When To Stop Dating?

[verhrzn]

I understand how likely most of forum views me in that regard, and honestly I don't have much of a problem with it because the role I'm trying to provide is an honest assessment of the faults of the situation, however critical or negative I come off, I want to give people the knowledge and insight if they're willing to see it or at least take it into consideration.

 

I understand too much and feel too strongly about it to deny when something is off or the real issues are not being addressed and there are usually plenty of "optimistic" or equally delusional people around to tell the person the opposite, or feed into the "hope", or maybe there is an actual long-term "romance" taking place...you know, mainly the things that people want to hear is reassurance no matter how wrong about or ridiculous their situation is.

 

So while the rest of the crowd may be cheering or feeling optimistic as that person climbs up that ladder, rung by rung to the roof of that "potential" romance building...I'm looking at the legs buckling underneath it at the bottom. And while I attempt to alert that person of the potential fall as they climb higher and higher the rest of the crowd is cheering, simply watching, or encouraging their progress "seeing what happens"...my words hardly keep that person distracted enough from continuing to climb...but when that ladder snaps and they come crashing down, some gasp with surprise, others watch in amusement, disappointment...that person is hurt from the fall, and equally as unaware as they were the first time they fell and guess what? they simply just climb another ladder as soon as they recover or find another building to climb...no accountability, no responsibility, no reflection, no understanding, just simply rinse and repeat...is it a surprise that the same events repeat themselves? It always is to that person. But Is it just coincidence that the "broken" stay struggling with relationships while the sound succeed without much complication?

 

That's why I see through everything to the core, I'm someone who doesn't understand, sympathize or care...If I didn't would I spend so much time, energy and emotion in writing to all these people? ultimately I've done a lot of self work, and as a "broken" person i can tell the behavior and patterns of other broken people, i see the cyclical repetition and merry-go-round that they don't see themselves on. And that is why I hit people so hard with truth and "negativity" because someone has got to make them think about these things and see the bigger picture of what they're doing and the type of people they are with and how they are managing their own lives and relationships in order to see the root of these problems, because there sure isn't anyone else doing it.

 

I will strongly push against people trying to repeat bad behavior and be overly critical with those who try and make it "ok" and ignore the real issues, and use the same mentalities and strategies they've always used to get themselves into the same messes time and time again...because I'm ultimately trying to help save them from themselves, and I don't have time to sit there and be there therapist by giving them this full experience of support and care, I've got to make a strong impact where I can, to hopefully rattle the cage enough to help them see themselves.

 

I'm sure I can find ways to better do this, but it's hard...I'm a human being as well, I lose my patience, become emotional and become utterly frustrated and disappointed in people for their own self-defeating behavior, but it's not all negative...the place where my advice and concern/care comes from is not ultimately a bad place and for malicious reasons.

 

............

 

As far as V and her looks, I have seen her in a photo or two and I think she is average in appearance, wouldn't stand-out but at the same time wouldn't think people would ridicule her or insult her appearance. I think people especially women are concerned with appearance and so are men so of course this is the first thing people usually go to because it accounts for so much when people first see you, they see before they hear or understand.

 

I would tell anyone to improve their appearance and learn how to socially conduct yourself because that's how the world works, I didn't make the rules, but I see them, and in terms of dating if you want to succeed in it then you've got to play by them to have the best or at least most possibilities of finding someone. And I don't see that as just a negative thing, I think it's good to look and feel your best. I notice a difference in myself and I never met anyone who hasn't.

 

The issue with V to me is that it's been so drilled into her about her looks that she's hyper sensitive and feels super criticized and judged when it's just the same old rehashing. So people make the main emphasis her looks and so does she, look at most of the comments, they're very centralized around her appearance...while as usual, nobody listens to what she is saying and how she is feeling, she doesn't want you to help her understand her issues with her appearance, telling her to improve her body, or date this kind of guy or that...she's already heard most of that her entire life.

 

She's hurt because of the way she feels about herself and that once again her looks are not up to par because that's what she is always hearing...and in her relationship her BF doesn't sleep with her so she feels neglected and rejected, even a super hot typical type would feel the same exact way...I don't know any woman who doesn't need validation of interest from her SO, regardless of how hot or not she is.

 

She wants her BF and others to say what every woman wants to hear....I love you the way you are, I don't want to change or improve you, I accept you for the faults and still think you are amazing, I'm in love with you and completely happy with you, you're what I want and what I need, and I don't need anyone else.

 

But because V never feels accepted, understood for who she is, what she has to offer, her intelligence or other qualities is never held as high on the ratings as her looks and she feels that has probably held her back a lot, even to the extent a man won't love her for who she is...after all that's what everyone tells her. She doesn't feel that embrace, and she's unable to distract herself with other goals or ventures because she doesn't have anything going on, so she doesn't feel good about herself and like she's just trapped in a cage.

 

She comes online looking for something that we didn't expect, because she can hard and abrasive...seeming to be insensitive but instead of a fight she's looking for someone out there to make her feel a little less crazy and emotional....she's looking for emotional support and acceptance because she doesn't get it in her real life....that's her real problem.

 

She needs that support in order to move on, the whole "looks" thing is just a a manifestation of her negative experiences of people who meant well or criticized her simply to feel better about themselves that unfortunately engrained deep within her and makes her feel inadequate. I think she wants to feel loved and accepted before she can open up to feeling good about herself again, because at least she'll know that she's being valued for something else.

 

People who are talking about her looks and body are completely missing the real point and root of the problem. That is just how she projects her ugliness, and the way she feels about herself...it won't do her any good to change the outside without fixing the inside first and she'll never feel accepted even if she did it, out of fear of feeling pretty then being bashed again anyway. She's used her appearance as a shield, to accept and deflect negativity because she already feels she knows what to expect.

 

Alright, I'm outta here....I'm getting too damn soft and squishy in this thread.

 

Wow. This is all amazing, NinjaP. I don't always agree with you, but I think you have absolutely cut down to exactly what I'm always trying to say. Haha, you say it much better than I do.

 

I think it is about acceptance. Because I've never been accepted for being myself.... looks, or otherwise. Looks is what other people seemed to focus on, so that's what I've focused on, because I've also never felt that the other things I had to offer had any value. I think if I felt that other parts of me were valuable to society at large.... or if people hadn't been so determined to change my appearance and tell me all the ways it's wrong.... I think I wouldn't be as focused on it myself.

 

Maybe the issue is not really "am I ugly," "am I average." The issue is really people have constantly focused the spotlight on my looks. Even if I AM average, it was still never enough for the people around me.

 

Maybe I am average. But t seems like "average looking" is not enough. And the other things I have to offer, were never enough to compensate or to get people to lay OFF my looks.

 

Anyway, I just really wanted to say thank you for your post. I think you really get me, and I felt really grateful and happy reading it. I also really appreciate your honesty and your ability to cut through the usual optimistic BS. Thank you.

[mickleb]

Your last two posts, especially this one, have been a pleasure to read.

Actually this is EXACTLY what I needed. I just need to be told someone hears me, someone understands me, someone isn't trying to change me.

 

Based on my time in high school, I'd say I'd probably spend a lot of time just being in my own little world if I wasn't obsessed with my looks. I was really a loner in high school, I spent most of my free time writing and watching shows I loved. The only time I really enjoyed interacting with people was online, when we discussed hobbies we had in common on forums.

 

I was also happy in my college classes, because once I got deeper into my core study areas, I felt like my brain was being used too much to spend time on analyzing social interaction. I was busy analyzing OTHER things, so I had less time to be focus on being upset.

 

Now that I'm in the real world, I don't have anything to focus my brain on... my job is mind-numbingly boring, and no one around me ever talks about anything interesting. The only people who really talk about what I like are grad students.... but they don't like socializing with me, because I am "beneath" them in knowledge.

 

And I am no longer naive enough to lose myself in my own little world like I did in high school.

 

So I feel like I'm stuck. Like I'm a dog who never gets exercised so I chew the furniture.

 

I guess I keep coming back to the forum hoping for answers, and if those are not possible, than sympathy/understanding. In high school, the Internet was the one place that seemed to accept me. Maybe that's what I keep trying to repeat.

 

You've explained yourself extremely well and it really helps me to understand your motivation.

 

I see people on here trying very hard to understand you but giving up when you get angry with them for doing just that. But when you write without anger at others or yourself, it's so much easier to relate to you.

 

I don't think you'd hang out here so much if you didn't find this place worthwhile; I sincerely hope you are happy here.

[veggirl]

Grow your hair out, even try extensions. You will instantly go up a couple points to the vast majority of dudes! Most women can not pull of dude/old lady hair cuts, like in that high school photo (and I think you still have pretty short hair? IDK).

[Anela]

 

As far as V and her looks, I have seen her in a photo or two and I think she is average in appearance, wouldn't stand-out but at the same time wouldn't think people would ridicule her or insult her appearance. I think people especially women are concerned with appearance and so are men so of course this is the first thing people usually go to because it accounts for so much when people first see you, they see before they hear or understand.

 

I would tell anyone to improve their appearance and learn how to socially conduct yourself because that's how the world works, I didn't make the rules, but I see them, and in terms of dating if you want to succeed in it then you've got to play by them to have the best or at least most possibilities of finding someone. And I don't see that as just a negative thing, I think it's good to look and feel your best. I notice a difference in myself and I never met anyone who hasn't.

 

The issue with V to me is that it's been so drilled into her about her looks that she's hyper sensitive and feels super criticized and judged when it's just the same old rehashing. So people make the main emphasis her looks and so does she, look at most of the comments, they're very centralized around her appearance...while as usual, nobody listens to what she is saying and how she is feeling, she doesn't want you to help her understand her issues with her appearance, telling her to improve her body, or date this kind of guy or that...she's already heard most of that her entire life.

 

She's hurt because of the way she feels about herself and that once again her looks are not up to par because that's what she is always hearing...and in her relationship her BF doesn't sleep with her so she feels neglected and rejected, even a super hot typical type would feel the same exact way...I don't know any woman who doesn't need validation of interest from her SO, regardless of how hot or not she is.

 

She wants her BF and others to say what every woman wants to hear....I love you the way you are, I don't want to change or improve you, I accept you for the faults and still think you are amazing, I'm in love with you and completely happy with you, you're what I want and what I need, and I don't need anyone else.

 

But because V never feels accepted, understood for who she is, what she has to offer, her intelligence or other qualities is never held as high on the ratings as her looks and she feels that has probably held her back a lot, even to the extent a man won't love her for who she is...after all that's what everyone tells her. She doesn't feel that embrace, and she's unable to distract herself with other goals or ventures because she doesn't have anything going on, so she doesn't feel good about herself and like she's just trapped in a cage.

 

She comes online looking for something that we didn't expect, because she can hard and abrasive...seeming to be insensitive but instead of a fight she's looking for someone out there to make her feel a little less crazy and emotional....she's looking for emotional support and acceptance because she doesn't get it in her real life....that's her real problem.

 

She needs that support in order to move on, the whole "looks" thing is just a a manifestation of her negative experiences of people who meant well or criticized her simply to feel better about themselves that unfortunately engrained deep within her and makes her feel inadequate. I think she wants to feel loved and accepted before she can open up to feeling good about herself again, because at least she'll know that she's being valued for something else.

 

People who are talking about her looks and body are completely missing the real point and root of the problem. That is just how she projects her ugliness, and the way she feels about herself...it won't do her any good to change the outside without fixing the inside first and she'll never feel accepted even if she did it, out of fear of feeling pretty then being bashed again anyway. She's used her appearance as a shield, to accept and deflect negativity because she already feels she knows what to expect.

 

Alright, I'm outta here....I'm getting too damn soft and squishy in this thread.

 

 

I can relate to this, too. Can I hire you to talk to my mother??

I've asked for emotional support all year, and been rejected in favour of a sibling (who has been enabled and helped when it comes to firing insults and crap my way - and worse), but I've been expected to feel fine and love myself and everything else - even though I'm receiving little support. my mother seems to think that buying me a book would placate me, ignoring the real issues over and over.

 

I'm going to print this off and see if any of it gets through to he - although it feels too late now. they've really done some damage.

 

Sorry, V - back to your thread.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Anyway, I just really wanted to say thank you for your post. I think you really get me, and I felt really grateful and happy reading it. I also really appreciate your honesty and your ability to cut through the usual optimistic BS. Thank you.

 

You're welcome V

 

 

I can relate to this, too. Can I hire you to talk to my mother??

I've asked for emotional support all year, and been rejected in favour of a sibling (who has been enabled and helped when it comes to firing insults and crap my way - and worse), but I've been expected to feel fine and love myself and everything else - even though I'm receiving little support. my mother seems to think that buying me a book would placate me, ignoring the real issues over and over.

 

I'm going to print this off and see if any of it gets through to he - although it feels too late now. they've really done some damage.

 

Sorry, V - back to your thread.

 

Your mother seems like she is choosing not to hear you, and the reasons for that can be many;

 

- She might not know how to relate or support you

- She might resonate more with your other sibling, and by helping them she feels like she is helping herself or is doing better than she can w you

- She might think you are stronger and more capable than you really are because you give off that appearance or vibe

- She may not want to accept what you're saying, because it makes her feel like a bad mother and she wants to avoid that emotion and instead uses the other sibling as a catalyst to express herself because she feels in control of that and not with you

- She may not understand or agree with you and be able to relate, and may believe your issues are coming from a place of excuses or whining, which allows her to enable the sibling to belittle you because she does not understand it in the same way

 

You have to communicate with people differently, not all of the same words and expressions get through to the same people unless you are in particularly very complex in how you explain and represent yourself, most people need to be able to relate to understand in order to understand it, and if they cannot they therefore cannot adopt any of the emotions that go along with that experience which inhibits their understanding.

 

It's also important to recognize that people create this image of you based on how they know and recognize you, and once that is formed it's hard to break out of that predetermined picture that they've painted of you of what your motives and agenda is, regardless of how you say or express it....sometimes they label a person such as "well she's always complaining for no reason, there's no reason listening to them and I don't understand it anyway".

 

Sometimes it's also much more effective writing letters and expressing yourself as people are much more attentive to words and descriptions, where as in person they may be turned off by your tone of voice, attitude, or way you are going about it which they've already disconnected from and are not listening. When they read, they have to read each word to understand the big picture, they can't jump ahead and typically say "well this is where this person is going, it's the same argument".

 

It's important for you and V to understand that acceptance is not mainly being heard and accepted by someone else, that has to come within yourself. You have to be able to express yourself to someone, get it off your chest to the person who really deserves that wrath and then leave it there in their hands and not take it with you. Because you can't change a person or change how they respond, whether they accept or understand you or if they even hear you...all you can do is unload that emotion on them and let them be, but it will give you a release that you need if you practice doing it and really say the things you want to say in raw form...it takes a lot of courage to tell someone how you really feel but a lot of the times they don't get it because you're beating around the bush and being vague to them....most people really need an in your face expression and bluntness to really get it or they won't read into it and unearth it like you want them to, they're likely not to realize it isn't there.

 

You have to do what you can for yourself, you cannot depend on others to fulfill their end of the bargain so to speak or even meet you half way, you can only do what you can do and only control yourself, and you have to not only learn how to accept them and who they are, but accept yourself for who you are and realize that they do not determine nor anyone else who you truly are, you need to be sound and solid with the belief within yourself, only when you dismiss what others say to you and focus on what you change and don't let them place the limits of what you are, will people start to treat you differently, because you have to belief it in yourself more strong than anything or no one else will believe it....but people will treat you different when you treat yourself differently and accept you for who you are, that will give you strength not weakness, the weakness comes from feeling like you have to fit in this glass box of what others people think of you, so you feel conflicted, frustrated and angered because that's not who you really are...you are holding yourself back, you have to prove it yourself before you prove it to them, and if you are strong and follow through, they will change the way they view you....it's hard not to be encouraged and influenced by a person who is confident and comfortable with themselves, but it takes work, and courage to get there and that comes with accepting the truths and facing your fears...that's how you build that confidence and become more fearless, but if you're only giving it half way effort or half faith in yourself people will see through it, you've got to be brave enough to challenge the mold others have labelled you as...and even the mold that you've created or accepted for yourself.