nothingleft Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I'm sure there are plenty of boards for this but I can't read them to find out which one is for me, so sorry. Today is exactly 1 month since he left me. And I'm still in the same place as the first day, but with no hope left. This will sound stupid, as he was my first boyfriend- obviously I'm going to think I will never feel this again, that he was the only one. But I've previously never met anyone I could be so close with, it was so easy. We just worked from day one. I had protections in place, didn't want to get too close. I spent the first few weeks convinced he just wouldn't turn up one day, then when he went nowhere I assumed he had a girlfriend back home (I studied abroad) or that we would just be done when he left. But he told me he loved me, I opened up, and it was so right that we slipped easily into a relationship. We spoke about the future. I loved him more and more. Just before I left to go back to study, we had a beautiful week together. While I was away we wrote to each other, tried to keep in touch. I had to leave after 2 weeks to come home as my health is failing. He spoke to me when I got back, said he loved me that he was coming to visit, to see how I was. And I was so grateful to have such a loving boyfriend, so happy to see him. He came up to break up with me. I didn't see it coming at all. At first he said he just had to concentrate on working. Later when i asked for the truth he said we just weren't compatible as he wanted to travel (I pointed out that, not only did I actually quite want to travel, he had also never asked me and that the truth was he just did not want me so why not say so) He went from telling me he loved me to being so incredibly cold in a few days. Eventually he said he just didn't feel what he felt before. And had decided a week before I came home. 1 week after our time away. I still don't understand at all. He has been so uncaring I can't stand it. He feels nothing, no regret, not even upset at how much he's hurt me. Just heartless. And I am dying without him, I don't sleep or eat. As I'm still ill I can't even go out and cry to my friends or drink. Just trapped here on my own, overthinking. I see no future, I can't live like this. I don't understand what happened, I think I could take it more if he felt even slightly bad about what he's done to me. But I'm going mad here. I tried to kill myself. It failed, I wish to God it hadn't.
cloudatlas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 -hugs- Christ, I know. Augh I want to hug everyone and keep everyone away from pain because, yeah. It's not fair, all you did was love someone. But, are you in college? Do you have to see him everyday? Did you have a plan before him? Focus on that plan. Have your friends! Cuddle and cry with someone but don't be alone right now. No seriously, okay, you're sick. Have a best friend come and comfort you and take care of you, or take a week's leave and go to your family and let them just be there. I'd suggest counseling too- because yeah, suicidal actions, not fun, not fun at all. 1
Author nothingleft Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 (edited) Thank you. I was studying art in Italy, he works in London. I don't know whether it would be worse if I had to see him, or that I never will again. I know he'll never see what damage he's caused- more than emotionally (though right now, that feels by far the worst) I'm shutting down and things my body would have been able to fight off easily now hit me like a train (ended up in hospital because the pills I had to take were damaging liver and stomach, after he left the stress is making it worse and i now lack the willpower to even try) My plan before him was to continue in school, and work from there- but I can't go back there for a while now. Even if I could, we were so happy there, he was going to move over to be with me, it feels haunted now...All my friends are there and I hardly get to talk to them. So I live in the middle of nowhere, the only people I see are doctors. I think I could handle it if I only had him. Or perhaps I could have a better hope of accepting what he's done if only I were healthy and able to pour it into working, go out with friends and cry. Just stuck crying on my own, with no one but the internet to help (though actually just your reply has been more helpful than anything else so far) It just feels like my future went from having everything, and got smaller and smaller until he was the only bright spot. I was getting sick, I had to leave my friends, my classes, but even then I thought I could go home, get better, stay with him a while, go back and finish my studies etc. When he left he took any hope or optimism for any better life with him. Edited November 20, 2012 by nothingleft
cloudatlas Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Oh! I know the feeling! My entire mindset got centered over my ex - he was everything. The world could end and zombies could eat my family and I would be okay because he was there. But where's your family? Are they in a different country? Can they afford flying out to see you? You're living off student campus? Aw, I'm so sorry you're sick, yeah, mental-physical all get interconnected. Don't be alone, I'm so serious about this, but you're going to get mentally and emotionally isolated and that'll make you even worse. He's being cold and cruel and you're alone and that's the last thing you need. You'll eat yourself up alive. Skype friends and family? See if someone can come stay with you or visit for a few days, go to therapy because - well, it's good to talk things through. Take things slowly - this is your YOU time. Try doing things that distract you. I mean, for the first month and a half I became best friends with Netflix and nutella. I wanted my brain to be in any tv show because at least it wasn't my life because mine just got stomped on and beaten with pokers after what happened between me and him. Awww, I'm really willing to talk to you! I don't want you to feel lonely, I hate that feeling. But I think the one thing you need is a plan. A plan of action. Hey, a MISSION. If everything's falling apart, what are you going to do? You need control. So stick with the plan you had before. You're home right now. Doctors are making sure you'll get better. Once you do, you can go back and surround yourself with friends and work and forget about some jerk that did a complete 360 and broke your heart. Start blogging - writing a journal helps get your thoughts out and organized, and it helps you make lists and plans that helps you try and find your control again. If you're alone and sick and stuck at home, keep it alive. Have it filled with music or your favorite tv shows, try cooking or knitting, little arts and crafts projects. Do what you need to do, but keep yourself distracted. Don't let your own thoughts get too loud, because they'll eat you alive right now. Take care of yourself first. 1
Author nothingleft Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Completely all over the place. I go from wishing he would come back, crying all day, sitting and staring and wanting to just die, to wanting nothing but for him to feel something about what he did to me, to wanting to scream at him, destroy him, ruin him (kill him is the latest, but not worth the hassle I feel...). If he did come back I don't know if I could ever trust him, I assume he's already got someone else or at least slept with some- can't stand that. I wish I were back in Italy so I could sleep with my italian friend who's been trying it on for years, and who I turned down for that waste of time, space, oxygen and love. I hate him and want him to lose everything the way that I have, I love him and want us back but it will never ever happen. He doesn't give a ****, even if a miracle happened and he ever did- I can't forgive what he's done. The only thing I know I want is never to have met the scum. To go back to what I thought was the most amazing coincidence, the best gift fate ever gave me- and to not go out. To not meet him, to be living- for good or bad- in a world where I didn't know that poison existed. How DARE he say when he left that I should take something positive from this. Learn from it. LEARN WHAT? That men are indeed scum, but that the worst of all are the ones who pretend they are better? The world cannot run on such an imbalance, he has to be punished, he has to SUFFER.
Author nothingleft Posted November 22, 2012 Author Posted November 22, 2012 Ok... being a total fruitcake. And I'm replying to myself... At least I know it and am only showing this peculiarly unhinged side to strangers... Anyhoo. The situation is crap. Unbearable. After he did what he did, and was so amazingly cold about it, I knew that nothing I did could hurt him- not my being hurt at any rate. So sent him one last message utterly decimating his weak, immature and indecisive nature- basically that if he knew all along that he was that fcked up and would change his mind like that for no reason he had no right to inflict himself on other people. Hell I've been like that before, you take yourself out of the game- because while everyone has the right to mess up their own lives you do not have the right to ruin anyone elses. This was... I have no idea. Could be one week ago, could be 2? Since then, nothing, have blocked him, deleted his number, forgotten his email and am working on forgetting his address (we used to write a lot) Just wanting to know, what else is there to do? I thought I was moving through stages, but I am flicking wildly between unbridled fury (last post...) constant weeping, denial. God after he left I read my Tarot cards, and was so delighted when they came up with: misunderstandings, conflict resolution, light at end of tunnels etc. For about 2 hours... Then I realised how many times I had read the stupid things just until they came out the way I wanted! Really, truly pathetic. One good thing about being sick is I can't drink. Lord only knows how mad I would be acting if I had a bottle of whisky to hand. Why can't I stand it when people say "plenty more fish in the sea" or "just forget him" or (the worst one) "you're not the first this has happened to"? Is it just that I feel more important? It's different because it's about me?? That's more self involved than I hoped I was! Is it because I don't want another fish? Or because I don't think I'll find one such a perfect match? Do I want him to want me back because we can be so good together, or do I just want a salve for my ego and the chance to hurt him? If I'd known what was coming would I have tried to save us, or would I have got off with my Italian and broken his heart before he had the chance to get in the first blow? Most importantly, how on earth can someone love you like that then just stop? I mean really, no feeling at all? I've changed how I feel, but at least I've gone to blistering hatred, at least I feel something! I suppose there are no answers, but any you can give- that don't involve plentiful fish, or tough love because I'm feeble and can't take it- would be welcomed
todreaminblue Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Ok... being a total fruitcake. And I'm replying to myself... At least I know it and am only showing this peculiarly unhinged side to strangers... Anyhoo. The situation is crap. Unbearable. After he did what he did, and was so amazingly cold about it, I knew that nothing I did could hurt him- not my being hurt at any rate. So sent him one last message utterly decimating his weak, immature and indecisive nature- basically that if he knew all along that he was that fcked up and would change his mind like that for no reason he had no right to inflict himself on other people. Hell I've been like that before, you take yourself out of the game- because while everyone has the right to mess up their own lives you do not have the right to ruin anyone elses. This was... I have no idea. Could be one week ago, could be 2? Since then, nothing, have blocked him, deleted his number, forgotten his email and am working on forgetting his address (we used to write a lot) Just wanting to know, what else is there to do? I thought I was moving through stages, but I am flicking wildly between unbridled fury (last post...) constant weeping, denial. God after he left I read my Tarot cards, and was so delighted when they came up with: misunderstandings, conflict resolution, light at end of tunnels etc. For about 2 hours... Then I realised how many times I had read the stupid things just until they came out the way I wanted! Really, truly pathetic. One good thing about being sick is I can't drink. Lord only knows how mad I would be acting if I had a bottle of whisky to hand. Why can't I stand it when people say "plenty more fish in the sea" or "just forget him" or (the worst one) "you're not the first this has happened to"? Is it just that I feel more important? It's different because it's about me?? That's more self involved than I hoped I was! Is it because I don't want another fish? Or because I don't think I'll find one such a perfect match? Do I want him to want me back because we can be so good together, or do I just want a salve for my ego and the chance to hurt him? If I'd known what was coming would I have tried to save us, or would I have got off with my Italian and broken his heart before he had the chance to get in the first blow? Most importantly, how on earth can someone love you like that then just stop? I mean really, no feeling at all? I've changed how I feel, but at least I've gone to blistering hatred, at least I feel something! I suppose there are no answers, but any you can give- that don't involve plentiful fish, or tough love because I'm feeble and can't take it- would be welcomed When i split up with my ex over five years ago nearly six I didnt see it coming i had three girls at school one mentally impaired son in yr 12 and another son going through juvenile i was a bit preoccupied i have schizo affective disorder which i was dealing with while constantly going to court for my second son i was beat... stressed out had my son crying on the phone to get him out which i did by getting letters of support from th community which took many phone calls while at court after court and before court.often while cooking dinner or doing homework with kids would i be on the phone...so my partner ex now was having an affair i didnt realise.....when i found out i was devastated he was pretty cold he left...... i just gave up....i would have died had i not been court ordered....i went through ect therapy and medication adjustment all while having a cold and uncaring ex i continued to support my son in juvenile and eventually he was released on bail.....i had an angel of a best friend who looked after my girls for me.......while my ex was sleeping with his new girlfriend...... i have forgiven him and the new girlfriend now by the way this is years later...we are on courteous talking terms.i moved interstate and have a new life, i joined a church i love and believe in, met some great people, met a real gentleman....a nice guy....., .i used to think i wanted to be with my ex again i dont anymore it took a while for me to see the light and i actually developed feelings for another...only recently....so i didnt feel i could or would either it will happen for you.... thats a positive.......so after fifteen years with someone and another five plus split up....i am better than i have been....i still have really bad days and disappointments...i accept them ...i get sad and blue and i still have a mental illness and havent taken meds for months......i wanted to share my story to show you i know and understand how you did and do feel....when you are truly over him you wont be angry with him anymore, you wont be sad about him anymore you wont feel any high emotions...only acceptance....... i am not going to say tough love or plenty of fish...i am celibate and am the last person to say that about finding plenty of fish.....i am just letting you know you will find your way........tears in that path for sure...but that is living....you need the bad times to really know when things are good....and in life you meet dicks....its positive..because you might recognise a nice guy next time and if he is yours, you are going to appreciate that nice guy even more......if I can do make it through a huge cyclonic mess, you can make it too....huge hugs to ya....lots of love.....deb
Author nothingleft Posted November 22, 2012 Author Posted November 22, 2012 Oh God. I just want to die. Feel like I'm dead already. I've lost it all, my health my friends my studies, my future. How is it fair that he's running around being happy and successful? Why isn't the world exploding with the frustrated karma? I'm still deluding myself that he'll want me back, either I'd accept or I would get to tear him to pieces- I have a lot left to say. How can you lie to someone, pretend to love them and drive them to suicide and just not care? Not a regret, not a second thought, just Learn from it. Goodbye? Nothing I can do will ever make this right, and he won't do the right thing. I want to kill him, I want to humiliate him. I want him to know he was unworthy of being loved, I want him to know he has destroyed the life of another human being. I want his life to crash and burn, I want him to be driven to the borders of sanity, to feel the despair he's forced on me. But life isn't like that. And while I am struggling to make it through the day, and the night, not sleeping or eating and wishing to God I were dead- he's off doing this damn tv show. And living the high life with his friends. He doesn't deserve friends! After everything I've done, years of kindnesses, of listening and caring and letting them live rent free when they need, my friends wouldn't even put me up for a night on a floor when I was at my lowest ebb. They won't talk to me about Him, as they think I'm being self pitying and dull. You don't get what you deserve out of this life, you just get what you get. There's nothing right, or balanced about it.
Samms22 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 nothingleft, I understand the pain you are going through. My advice will be simple and if you take it you will get out of this mess easily: 1) Remove every single thing that reminds you of him from your living space. Anything he has given you as a gift. EVERYTHING that reminds you of him. 2) Rearrange your furniture so that it doesn't remind you if the places you slept, talked, and sat it. Bed, T.V., etc. EVERYTHING. The bed is especially important. 3) Go down to a drug store, CVS or whatever and buy Vitamin B1, Vitamin C, and Vitamin B Complex. Take 250g of each every single day. 4) Drink lots of water and eat as healthily as possible. 5) Take walks every morning; an hour or so. Look at things. Get your attention away from yourself and your body. 6) The most important one, but all the rest are just as important: DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Do not look at pictures, old messages, or his facebook. DELETE THE MESSAGES. Every time you look at one, the way he used to be, it sets you back. DELETE ALL. Do these things for 15 days and post here and tell me how you are doing. -Samms 1
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