Wife asked me to leave the house

[Ladydrib]

I'm sure some of you will be thrilled to hear this, but in the process of answering my questions about the affair, I admitted to my wife that my xMW had sent me naked pictures at one point. The wife freaked out and asked me to leave the house until I've resolved my lingering feelings for the xMW.

 

She's completely justified, of course, but I am shaken up. I don't want to lose my family but can't get the xMW out of my head -- despite being in NC for nearly and month and her having moved on to a new AP.

 

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

And now I'm questioning my new policy of truth. I should have come clean a long time ago, but seeing my wife's reaction to hearing about the pictures makes me wonder what happens if I admit the affair was physical and lasted so long. I am so lost right now.

 

I'm not happy to hear that you or anyone is suffering.

 

My advice to you, set your wife free, and set yourself free. Something must be very wrong for you to have had an affair, and now to still have feelings for someone else. It's like you are trying to force yourself to be happy as you are. But guess what? It's not working. And now you have thrown this dysfunctionality into the mix. You will fight these insecurities you created in your wife for the rest of your life if you stay. So your marriage is only going to be more work, more turbulent and less fulfilling.

 

People too often make major life decisions, using fear to guide themselves. I myself am guilty of that. The result usually ends up that you are not happy with your creation when you make fear based decisions.

 

Ask yourself, if you remove all fears, do you want out of your marriage?

 

People will only be happy (and make others in their life happy) if they do what they really want to do, and if it is also morally acceptable. Meaning, you may 'want' to have an affair but it's not okay and therefore it won't make you happy. Being honest and leaving a marriage that has no hope might because you want, and it is okay to do so. Staying and trying to force something may 'seem' right, but it also might not be what you want. People need both. They need to do what's right, and they also need to do what they want. If these things do not line up, it's time to keep moving until you find a situation where they do line up.

[2sunny]

As long as you place ANY of the blame in YOUR cheating on your W - YOU will NEVER find the REAL reason why YOU cheated.

 

And that alone is a great reason why your W threw you out!

 

And NOW you still pine after this trashy OW who has now moved on to using another MOM and you still pine away for her.

 

Do you see how broken that mindset is?

 

Get a counselor that gets to the root of YOYR problem = YOU.

[firstandlast]

As long as you place ANY of the blame in YOUR cheating on your W - YOU will NEVER find the REAL reason why YOU cheated.

 

And that alone is a great reason why your W threw you out!

 

And NOW you still pine after this trashy OW who has now moved on to using another MOM and you still pine away for her.

 

Do you see how broken that mindset is?

 

Get a counselor that gets to the root of YOYR problem = YOU.

 

I am in individual counseling, and am not trying to justify my affair -- I was just explaining the factors that made me vulnerable to one at the time. Having learned from the experience, I'd be better prepared to avoid future affairs in similar circumstances.

 

And not to defend the xMW or anything, but just for clarity, her new AP is a single guy.

[firstandlast]

I'm not happy to hear that you or anyone is suffering.

 

My advice to you, set your wife free, and set yourself free. Something must be very wrong for you to have had an affair, and now to still have feelings for someone else. It's like you are trying to force yourself to be happy as you are. But guess what? It's not working. And now you have thrown this dysfunctionality into the mix. You will fight these insecurities you created in your wife for the rest of your life if you stay. So your marriage is only going to be more work, more turbulent and less fulfilling.

 

People too often make major life decisions, using fear to guide themselves. I myself am guilty of that. The result usually ends up that you are not happy with your creation when you make fear based decisions.

 

Ask yourself, if you remove all fears, do you want out of your marriage?

 

People will only be happy (and make others in their life happy) if they do what they really want to do, and if it is also morally acceptable. Meaning, you may 'want' to have an affair but it's not okay and therefore it won't make you happy. Being honest and leaving a marriage that has no hope might because you want, and it is okay to do so. Staying and trying to force something may 'seem' right, but it also might not be what you want. People need both. They need to do what's right, and they also need to do what they want. If these things do not line up, it's time to keep moving until you find a situation where they do line up.

 

Thanks for the wise words. That's a lot to think about -- and I'm almost afraid to ask.

[Decorative]

I am in individual counseling, and am not trying to justify my affair -- I was just explaining the factors that made me vulnerable to one at the time. Having learned from the experience, I'd be better prepared to avoid future affairs in similar circumstances.

 

And not to defend the xMW or anything, but just for clarity, her new AP is a single guy.

 

She seems awesome. I can see why you would think a serial cheating MW is hot.

 

( hopefully my sarcasm illustrates the point)

[firstandlast]

She seems awesome. I can see why you would think a serial cheating MW is hot.

 

( hopefully my sarcasm illustrates the point)

 

I know -- it's sick that I'm allowing her to cause me (and my wife) so much pain. I don't know what is wrong with me.

[2sunny]

I know -- it's sick that I'm allowing her to cause me (and my wife) so much pain. I don't know what is wrong with me.

 

That's what you should be working on with your counselor.

 

Handing anyone THAT much power over your happiness is very misdirected...

[veryhappy]

I know -- it's sick that I'm allowing her to cause me (and my wife) so much pain. I don't know what is wrong with me.

 

She's not causing you and your wife any current pain. The affair has been over for a while. You are the one who's causing all the pain. If you really wanted your marriage you would have worked on your marriage for the past year after exMOW was gone. Take a hint...you didn't! You don't want this marriage or at least you don't want to work on it.

 

I hope your W has it in her to divorce you and put you out of your misery. It's the only way confused men like you get out of M they don't want.

[firstandlast]

She's not causing you and your wife any current pain. The affair has been over for a while. You are the one who's causing all the pain. If you really wanted your marriage you would have worked on your marriage for the past year after exMOW was gone. Take a hint...you didn't! You don't want this marriage or at least you don't want to work on it.

 

I hope your W has it in her to divorce you and put you out of your misery. It's the only way confused men like you get out of M they don't want.

 

The affair ended a month ago.

[veryhappy]

You were in NC for three months. During that time you didn't exactly work on your m

M or forgetting her.

 

If she came to you tomorrow, would you say no to sex with her?

[firstandlast]

You were in NC for three months. During that time you didn't exactly work on your m

M or forgetting her.

 

If she came to you tomorrow, would you say no to sex with her?

 

It might be self-delusion, but I honestly think I'd say no. The thought of her having sex with the coworker grosses me out (I don't know why knowing she was having sex with her husband didn't have the same effect). I feel incredibly stupid for rekindling things after she told me of the second affair. Part of me might want to, but I do think I'd say no. I don't think I'd even let her break NC, actually.

[ComingInHot]

why are you so afraid of answering my post?

[firstandlast]

F&L;

You comment on a thread that screams the truth YET you have no comment on a thread that actually begs you to look inward and delve into what (to me) isn't something that you'll like seeing. Hmmmmm, sounds like deflection to me.

 

I don't quite understand what you're asking. Do I realize I'm a terrible person who hurt someone very special and was ready to throw it all away for a serial cheater? Do I understand the devastation I've caused by my betrayal and dishonesty? Yes, I do. I want to repair the damage I've caused or at least minimize the pain. Getting over this stupid obsession is the first step.

[whichwayisup]

Fl, I wrote to you..Would like to know your thoughts on what I said?

 

People, lay off a bit eh. This guy is trying..He's in a messy situation and needs help, not to be scolded and have his face shoved in his own shi.t. He knows he's screwed up, and he's doing something about it. Kudos to that instead of running away from it all.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

with all due respect, I think you can try and understand the pain your wife feels, but you don't really get it...

 

my husband was the same way at first...I don't think that it's cruelty on you part, but rather that you haven't experienced that personally, so it's hard for you to really "get" her pain...

 

something a friend of ours told my husband after his affair ended really put it into perspective for him, and I think it helped him to understand just what he had done...

 

you have children? now imagine that your children are grown, have kids of their own, and you are a proud dad and grandpa. you love your kids and grand kids, and think all is well with them...

 

now just imagine you're sitting at home one night and your daughter calls you, crying as if her heart is breaking, because she just found out her husband has been having an affair. he's lied to her, hurt her, and, in the process, hurt your grand kids....

your own heart is broken...it kills you and tears you up inside knowing what your daughter is going through...you want to hold her like when she was a little girl, and make everything better, but you can't...

 

now think of that woman as your wife...you're the one that's caused her all this heartache, and while you can't simply hold her and make it all better, there are things you can do to help her start to heal...but it will take a great deal of humility,kindness, honesty and compassion on your part...are you willing to do it?

 

( by the way...there are married men on here who have been in your position RickFox is one that comes to mind, and there are others...they maybe able to offer you some understanding from your perspective)

[2sunny]

Your quote:

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

 

Correction - your M is in jeopardy because your affair meant SO MUCH to you - while your wife meant so little to you then and still - now.

 

That is your real dilemma here.

[seren]

F&L, I keep pushing people who want to reconcile to read Letter to a Wayward Spouse, I am not on commission, honestly, but if I were I would be rich. This explains why the truth is so important to the BS, I get that right now you may be afraid that if you tell the whole truth that it will be the final straw and your wife will completely end things. Thing is, it is what anyone and everyone in an A should have - the truth to make an informed choice about their future. Trickle truth is still you trying to control what your W should know, that is not the way to go, it is destructive and will bite you on the arse someday and send you both back to Step 1.

 

I also think that there doesn't appear to be a lot of emotion for your wife or remorse for the A, maybe it all seems a bit unreal, maybe you had such feeling for the OW that you are trying to heal yourself and have nothing left for your W and maybe being married and the commitment that it requires isn't what is right for you, but seems like the only option. I think if it is an option, then you should have a good think about what next, there are many years ahead if you choose to stay, not all will be easy, in fact they will probably be dammed hard, reconciliation is no walk in the park. If you and your W reconcile, it will involve a lot of introspection and is hard.

 

I cannot shake the feeling that you are surprised that your wife asked you to leave, most of us do, and that as someone asked, if the OW hadn't had another A, whether you would be more concerned trying to win her back.

Time to be completely honest, not only to your wife but more importantly to yourself, not easy. Why did you think that the answer to the problems in your marriage was to have an A, rather than fix what was broken? If you can answer that, not to me or the boards, but to yourself, then you may have your answer as to where you should be and whether you have it in you to fix your marriage.

 

As an aside, what the OW does is her business, who she sleeps with is her business, the only person who should be concerend with this is her, who she is sleeping with and when he finds out her husband. But you know that.

[Ladydrib]

I know -- it's sick that I'm allowing her to cause me (and my wife) so much pain. I don't know what is wrong with me.

 

I know what's wrong with you, you don't want to be with your wife. If you are available to meet whomever, you will most likely forget about the OW. If you get to a happy and healthy place, you won't identify with someone who is mentally unhealthy and you will see the OW in a different light. But you will also be free to meet healthy women who you actually want to be with and so you will not be starving for companionship.

[Ladydrib]

You make it sound like the OP is in the driver's seat here. He's not.

 

Let's keep in mind that the OP's wife kicked him to the curb. Therefore, he's not the only one "figuring things out." And yes, it most certainly DOES mean he may lose his family. Often times the MM foolishly thinks the wife is waiting for him to "decide" what to do.

 

In this case, it's the clearly the wife who's making decisions for herself. Not leaving it up to the OP to "figure things out."

 

P.S. Should the OW dump her latest AP and run back to F&L to start things back up, I'd bet my paycheck he'd be telling the OW that HE left the house on his own.

 

If he's there out of fear rather than out of genuinely wanting to be there, is that good for his wife? I certainly wouldn't want a man trying to work things out with me for the primary reason of fear.

[firstandlast]

I'm not saying he should stay there - I'm saying that the OP isn't calling the shots with his wife's life while he decides what he wants to do - his wife is taking control and doing what's best for her. The other poster suggested sitting on the fence and then go back home - like he can take his time, go back home and the wife will be waiting with open arms.

 

He should absolutely not be in that house. Even if she let's him come home, the wife is eventually going to see right through his bogus reconciliation. Even the marriage counselor (if they ever go) will see right through him.

 

I want to clarify a couple of things: I'm not looking to get back with the xMW. I'd probably still be in the affair if the xMW hadn't jumped into another affair, but the fact that she did made me realize I was in love with an illusion. I would not be with her even if she divorced.

 

Also, I had already told the xMW before the breakup that I planned to tell my wife that I have lingering feelings. The xMW said " you realize that she'll probably kick you out of the house, right? " So she knows the situation.

[beenburned]

I fail to see why people are attracted to serial cheaters in the first place.

Unless they are just falling for a con artist that lies to them.

[Pierre]

I want to clarify a couple of things: I'm not looking to get back with the xMW. I'd probably still be in the affair if the xMW hadn't jumped into another affair, but the fact that she did made me realize I was in love with an illusion. I would not be with her even if she divorced.

 

Also, I had already told the xMW before the breakup that I planned to tell my wife that I have lingering feelings. The xMW said " you realize that she'll probably kick you out of the house, right? " So she knows the situation.

 

Dude:

 

Long term very happy married people have attraction for others all the time. If you put happy married people in close quarters day in and day out many will fall in love with AP. That is how nature has programmed us. We are programmed to spread the seeds.

 

Some happy married people know that too much closeness generates romance and they build distance from the onset to avoid falling into an EMR.

 

Others are ignorant and believe that love for the spouse at home is enough to prevent an EMR. These folks allow extreme closeness to develop because they do not have a clue or because they are simply bored at home and are dishonest.

 

You have destroyed your wife. Everything you ever said to her (or everything you did as a couple) has no meaning, A large chunk of herself and prior history is instantly gone. Every single minute she dedicated to you is worthless. The part of her life that included you has no meaning and now she has nothing. In her eyes you will never be the same man again. She has lost all respect for you and cannot trust you. You have destroyed a bond that she assumed was indestructible. She is mourning a huge loss!

[firstandlast]

I fail to see why people are attracted to serial cheaters in the first place.

Unless they are just falling for a con artist that lies to them.

 

In my case, she wasn't a serial cheater yet. She had just gotten married and said she hadn't done anything like that before. And as ridiculous as it sounds now, I thought we had some once-in-a-lifetime connection.

[frozensprouts]

FirstandLast,

may I make the suggestion that , if you haven't already done so, that you do some reading over in the infidelity section...it may help you to understand what your wife is going through right now, and give you some ideas on how to start moving forward from where you currently sit...

 

I mean no disrespect to you when i say this, but unless you ahve been betrayed by the person you have spent many years building a life with yourself, you probably don't really understand what she is going through...

 

you're not evil incarnate, you're someone who screwed up ( no pun intended:laugh:) now you need to figure out why it happened, and where the two of you will go from here...

there was something in you that allowed you to see cheating as an acceptable option...what was that? If your wife is to make the decison to stay with you, she'll need to trust that you won't make that decision again...she'll need to know that you have done the work to figure out why you thought cheating was acceptable to you so you won't do it again. The reason for that is simple...if you think you cheated because of issues in your marriage, fair enough. But the problem is that out of all the possible solutions, you chose cheating. Even if you and your wife are able to find your way back to each other, in any marriage or other long term relationship, issues are bound to come up...what will you chnage within yourself so that if that happens again, you won't give into temptation and cheat? If you don't deal with that now, it may be very hard for your wife to ever trust in your relationship ever again...every time you two hit a bit of a rough patch, she may be afraid that you'll cheat, and that is not way to live your life...this is why counseling can be really helpful...you'll both learn a lot of each other and yourselves and find new ways of problem solving that don't involve cheating...you'll learn to recognize temptation and how to say "no" before it gets out of hand...

best of luck to you, and whatever happens, I hope you and your wife can move on and find happiness in your lives:)

[Pierre]

as ridiculous as it sounds now, I thought we had some once-in-a-lifetime connection.

 

Most newbies in an affair think they have discovered true love.