MyPoutine Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Hello, I must admit I joined because I was searching for people who have experienced LDR to ask this to. It is a long story. I met my bf (let’s call him P) January 2010 and after a slightly bumpy start things went great. I ended up moving 8 months later which through a wrench in our plans and our relationship. Normally people would break up at this point but we decided to stick together, 8 moths later (1yr 4 mths) he asked for an “open relationship” because he had needs and I wasn’t physically there. I hated the idea but agreed because I didn’t think it was fair to deny him that not to mention we didn’t know when we would next see each other. The agreement was that he could have a casual friends-with-benefits and if I wanted to I could do the same (he was my first sexual partner). I made him promise that he’d tell me once he engaged with someone else and he did – it hurt like hell but I accepted it. After his initial one night stand he started seeing one of his classmates, my understanding was that it was still a casual thing and at first I accepted the situation but then I found out he was calling her on a daily basis, after that we kept having fights, he would say he loved me not her but I didn’t believe him, to me it felt like he was "having his cake and eating it too". Eventually we broke up and for 3 months we didn’t speak. March 2012 he joins a website I belonged to (I had blocked him in every way I knew how) and started to send me emails begging me to take him back, apologizing for his mistake and reassuring me that I was “the one” and I was special to him etc. The other girl was still in the picture and I told him to ditch her but to do it slowly so that she is not hurt too badly. He agreed but then I later found out that he was still seeing the other girl, not only that but she was hanging out with his friends and she had even met his father. I was beyond furious and made to leave, realizing I was going for good he broke up with the other girl and spent weeks apologizing, he kept saying that it wasn't a big deal and nothing serious...what hurt the most was that by that time they had been seeing each other for a year. We are still together, we email daily and such but I feel empty inside of me. When I talk to him it feels great but when I think about all that has happened I feel sick to my stomach. To make matters worse he still doesn’t seem to know what he wants, he even admitted to being unsure about settling but at the same time he won’t let me go. When I tell him that we should break up so that he can be free to date all the women he wants he refuses. It would be okay if we were young but he is 30 and I am 27, I want to get married at some point and have children and it feels like I am wasting my time waiting for him to get his **** together. The thing that makes leaving for me hard is that I truly love him and he is a very nice person. When we fight he will call me back, when I get angry he will apologize, despite being swamped with school work right now he still makes the effort to email me on a daily basis, he even sketched a beautiful picture of me…also, I can be difficult to deal with sometimes, he knows how to read me. I know if he commits he will make me happy but I don’t think he wants to. I am supposed to see him in December, he says seeing me live will help him clear his thoughts but I am not excited about that prospect anymore. I just feel like I am ignoring other guys for a guy who sees me as an option not a priority, I don't know why he wants me around but I think it's more because of how much I love him than anything else. To those who read it all, firstly, thank you and any advice/tips/thoughts?
AngrySpider Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I'm in a long-distance relationship as well.Maybe I can give you the perspective of a guy who really wants to make things work with his sweetheart as a frame of reference. Yes,it is difficult to go without intimacy for long periods of time.But if someone is truly in love with someone who lives far away from them,they wouldn't be asking the other person for an "open relationship." In any relationship-especially in a long-distance one-both people should set out on the table what type of relationship it is that they're looking for.Whether it's something that is casual,mutually exclusive,or open...it all needs to be laid out ahead of time.Speaking personally,I get those needs for physical intimacy too.But,because I love the girl that I'm with,I'm willing to wait it out for her.When that time comes,it makes the occasion that much more special because of all the waiting that led up to it.Maybe your boyfriend loves you.The extent of his emotions are questionable because he wants that "open relationship." I agree with you 100% that it's possible that he wants his cake and to eat it too.That isn't being fair to you. No one should be another person's "safety net" or Plan B.I hope for your sake that he's not viewing you in that way.If he really wants you,he should make a better effort at showing it.That includes bidding good riddance to seeing other people.Obviously,from the sounds of it,you do love him enough to be perhaps a little too tolerant of what he's done.But you're entitled to 100% of his love and affection.Again,speaking personally,the girl that I've been involved with gets that from me.He should give you the same.I don't know this guy personally to make rash assumptions or anything like that and it's apparent that you have your reasons for loving him.But he really does need to figure **** out.I just know that if some girl was willing to wait for me and want to make things work out between us-without involving herself with other people in the process-I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Don't know if this has helped or not. 2
SeparateUniverse Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I've had a friend who was once in an ldr open relationship.It was a disaster. Imho,open relationships are just another word for having multiple partners while keeping a plan B,something like a car,you won't pull out the spare tire until the one on your car gets busted.That's really having your cake and eating it too,and it's unfair. The thing is,open relationships never work(unless you are swingers)because,one of the people in the relationship is always going to feel cheated and betrayed,while waiting for their partner to return to them.I've seen it on my friend's boyfriend,it ate him out,and they broke up shortly after that. You've given him another chance,that's fine.But you should make clear boundaries on that,don't let go easily,if he doesn't sort his s**t out fast, and makes such requests again,speak your mind and don't hesitate to leave him. Like they say:Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I have a feeling like you were faithful in the time when he had friends with benefits,well let's say if in that time you met somebody else and figured out that your relationship is not your priority and that you will in a sense,have 2 relationships,because "you have needs too".How would he react,i'm certain he would not be glad at all. 1
ana0pera Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 MyPoutine, I know that this is hard to hear and I am sorry that you've been going through this horrible situation. I would really dump this guy, he doesn't sound like he is worthy of someone as patient and caring as you. You say: he won’t let me go. But what you need to do is let him go. No matter how much he cries, begs, etc., put your foot down. You took him back and he was still dishonest with you. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He can't have both. Respect yourself and your time by dumping him, and maintaining NC. It's a hard bitter truth, but I hope that it helps 1
Author MyPoutine Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Thank you for the replies, it reinforces what I've been thinking lately. This will be a hard and bitter pill to swallow.
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