waterwoman Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 (edited) My closest friends have helped me so much. They have been 100% supportive and wonderful. Still see them regularly and they have taken the affair and reconciliation in their stride. But as a couple we have other couple friends who have basically not come near us since d-day . I saw one of them last night and she apologised for not coming to see me and admitted it was because she and her H felt uncomfortable seeing H. I found out today they they have been seeing another set of friends a great deal doing things that we would normally be invited to. I feel so sad. I can see that it's difficult perhaps but I feel as if I'm being punished for H's affair. Anyway we've been invited to a 50th birthday dinner - but from what the wife said when she invited me it sounded as if her H had been making excuses for not inviting us. And now I am wondering if it's going to be awkward - two other long-term couples and H and I (with the 'affair' hovering over us like a little black thunder cloud . Talk about adding insult to injury. And I am cross with H for creating this f***ing mess in the first place. Idiot!! Edited November 20, 2012 by waterwoman
StormySeas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I think you need to go when invited, and ignore the "slights" when you're not. Many people have no idea how they're supposed to handle something like an A, and many end up handling it poorly by just deciding that avoiding you and your H is the best answer. But when you're invited, go and try to have fun. Fight through the awkwardness. Illustrate that you and your H aren't going to have too many cocktails and get into a huge shouting match and/or stand on opposite sides of the room shooting daggers at each other. I think only time and continuing to try to move forwards can help alleviate the awkwardness. Also, try to be proactive about having people over to your home or having double dates, etc. -- again, it may be awkward at first, but over time it will get better. Of course I'm only two months out from D-Day so am avoiding everything like the plague. I don't want to answer (or lie when asked) the question "Where's your H?" ("Kicked out of the house and lamenting his dumb a@( decision to screw another woman")...so generally only am around our mutual friends when I don't have a choice. But I think that if we move forward towards a reconciliation, returning to our social circle will be a key part of it. 1
meandmyself Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 well, if they have such a change in their behavior towards you ... maybe they never were really your friends... so I would not worry too much. The people that really count will be there regardless of what happen in your life!
road Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 It is called circling the wagons to protect against an indian attack in the old western movies. The way the men in the group won't admit this they are afraid to let the fox back into the hen house. They are directly excluding your WH to remove the potential threat of having your WH near their wives. Being married to a cheater you indirectly get punished. It has been known that some though not all cheaters have relapsed. Better safe then sorry. And they need to feel safe. And when the is the wife that had the affair. The wives don't want a cheater around their men either. Time for some new friends. 6
cocorico Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 It is called circling the wagons to protect against an indian attack in the old western movies. The way the men in the group won't admit this they are afraid to let the fox back into the hen house. They are directly excluding your WH to remove the potential threat of having your WH near their wives. Being married to a cheater you indirectly get punished. It has been known that some though not all cheaters have relapsed. Better safe then sorry. And they need to feel safe. And when the is the wife that had the affair. The wives don't want a cheater around their men either. Time for some new friends. I have also seen this happen, usually for one of two reasons (or sometimes both). The first is the "moral high ground" claim, usually proffered by those who hold strong views on As and do not wish to have their moral rectitude "contaminated" by anyone who has "cheated", or whom they consider to be "soft" on "cheating" such as a BS who forgives a WS. To people such as this, you know longer exist as waterwoman and waterman, you are now simply "the cheater" and "the woman who gave in to the cheater" and they cannot allow such sin and weakness to dilute the purity of their social circle. The second is those who are insecure about the prospect of their own M to withstand an A, who would rather the reminder of that possibility remain out of sight and out of mind. Seeing you reminds them of their own vulnerability to something similar, which they'd rather ignore than deal with. Not everyone is circling the wagons, though. Some are just socially awkward and unsure how to deal with it. In those cases, taking the lead by actively including those people back in your lives can help to overcome the awkwardness, setting the example by talking about it (if you want to) or avoiding talking about it (if you don't ). Invite them over for dinner. Their response will show you which group they fall into, and whether it's worth your effort to continue to invest in the friendship or to move on. 4
ComingInHot Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I understand your infuriation w/the whole f'ing mess! I also get the reaction from other couples. We are supposed to be protective of our marriages. A couple would likely shy away from another couple dealing w/infidelity as why would someone knowingly "hang out" w/a cheater... Now here we are the betrayed having to respect other couples choices when we (or at least me) are screaming, "what about me?! I didn't do anything wrong here!!" I believe that your married couple friends who are true friends are waiting to see how your relationship plays out. Maybe in time as they see then believe the reconciliation has taken place successfully, they will come back around?** I'm sending my strength to you no matter what road you travel. 1
Author waterwoman Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks for your replies. coco - I think (hope) that the two couples in particular are in the last of those categories, ie socially awkward in dealing with this. But they are also well-established couples that have been together exclusively for many many years. The friends who took it in their stride are the ones who have had multiple serious relationships, children while in different relationships and are now in complex, extended, blended families. They tend not to judge. H was dropped by both of the men during the affair before anyone knew about it because he was irritable, distracted and addicted to texting. They got bored with his company. He took them for granted too - stupid thing to do with old friends. They were also angry on my behalf. i guess time will tell.
j'adore Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Wow i could not agree more that some couples would be constantly reminded of infidelity and prefer to remain with those they feel safe. It is very sad that they do that, but yes, it happened to me As soon as a friend found out about me, she struggled wtih her H to get him to accept me as he knew my MM and his BS, even though he was a cheater years ago, some people are complete hypocrites not worth the time.
frozensprouts Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 there is another possible explanation, and it could be that a lot of people find it hard to be around people who have hurt someone they care about- they may be angry he hurt you, .... some people do disapprove of affairs, and don't care to be around someone who's had an affair...maybe the whole situation makes them uncomfortable and they just don't know what to say or how to act 3
road Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Wow i could not agree more that some couples would be constantly reminded of infidelity and prefer to remain with those they feel safe. It is very sad that they do that' date=' but yes, it happened to me As soon as a friend found out about me, she struggled wtih her H to get him to accept me as he knew my MM and his BS, even though he was a cheater years ago, some people are complete hypocrites not worth the time.[/quote'] Nothing to do with being a hypocrite. They know first hand the pain that comes from an affair an they run for the hills because they got burnt once and don't want to go down that road again. Self protection. I don't and all married men should not want "easy" women around them. Stay away from the stove then you don't have to worry about getting burnt. Same goes with OM. They didn't respect other peoples marriages before. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. So I'm keeping all OM away from my wife as most men do. 1
Snowflower Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I/we lost a few friends as a result of my H's poor decisions. Not that I told that many people but I miscalculated the reactions of a few friends in those early days. It sucks for the betrayed spouse because honestly, we didn't deserve THIS either. However, I look at it as the friends who disappeared from our lives were obviously not that great of friends to begin with. You know, the whole "fair weather friends" idea... When a BS learns first learns about the affair (aka D-day), some infidelity experts/advice recommends outing the affair to everyone who knows the couple as a way of stopping the affair and/or keeping it from continuing. I've never completely agreed with that advice because you get situations like the one described in this thread here. In other words, tread carefully when telling others of your private marital problems. 2
Author waterwoman Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 snow, I told very few people. I was utterly humiliated. And to a certain extent I thought it was up to H to decide who should know. He told one of the couples, I told the other because I was afraid they had heard the rumours that were flying about hence their avoidance of H. The only other 2 people I told were the close friends I mentioned first. And the my SIL because I got drunk with her one evening ...ahem... And he told his other sister because they are really close. So quite a select band of friends. However with the nature of his job and the fact it's a small town, other people heard the rumours. As I am slowly discovering......
Summer Breeze Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I/we lost a few friends as a result of my H's poor decisions. Not that I told that many people but I miscalculated the reactions of a few friends in those early days. It sucks for the betrayed spouse because honestly, we didn't deserve THIS either. However, I look at it as the friends who disappeared from our lives were obviously not that great of friends to begin with. You know, the whole "fair weather friends" idea... When a BS learns first learns about the affair (aka D-day), some infidelity experts/advice recommends outing the affair to everyone who knows the couple as a way of stopping the affair and/or keeping it from continuing. I've never completely agreed with that advice because you get situations like the one described in this thread here. In other words, tread carefully when telling others of your private marital problems. I agree. You can't unring the bell. A BS could well change their minds a few times as to whether or not to D or reconcile. If they tell family and people that are close to them they're going to cause possible rifts that may not be able to be repaired. Also friends will want to support but if they are dead set against As and they can't forgive the WS then where does that leave their R? Are they supposed to overlook something just because the BS does? When xH cheated his family were the first to know and my family didn't know till we were already separated. I had 1 friend I confided in as I was moving out and she had very little to do with xH at all so it wouldn't be a problem. It was tough to lose friends because of the D too OP. The thing I kept in mind was they all had opinions of what he did and also how I reacted, and that I couldn't do anything to control it. It made me sad but that's the way it was.
j'adore Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Nothing to do with being a hypocrite. They know first hand the pain that comes from an affair an they run for the hills because they got burnt once and don't want to go down that road again. Self protection. I don't and all married men should not want "easy" women around them. Stay away from the stove then you don't have to worry about getting burnt. Same goes with OM. They didn't respect other peoples marriages before. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. So I'm keeping all OM away from my wife as most men do. Easy women!!! Or in this case easy men !!! Just because someone has an affair, does not make them easy. Very ignorant view point. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour you say, what utter tosh!!
2sure Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 For me, after my husbands infidelity , our divorce...and confiding in some of our closer friends...if you could call them close..I was shocked at the number of them who admitted their own marriage or someone elsesin our circle had experienced infidelity...and then promptly dropped me. And I know why,because I asked. the Long and short of it...Too Close To Home.
2sunny Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Well - when one cheats - it affects so many! Has he realized how much he's affected your life negatively by his selfish and self serving behavior? Who did he cheat with? Anyone these other couples know?
2sure Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 My ex was a serial cheater and his ow hardly knew him , the other couples had no details at all. A social circle particularly afraid of...not so much scandal as the risk of it becoming common knowledge. Important to keep their own secrets amongst themselves. I broke the code when I left him.
jnel921 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 That's why I chose to keep this situation between us. My first Marriage WS filled with so many opinions I didn't care for. I am much older now and they don't need to know. We have agreed to do the work. Only time will tell.
Author waterwoman Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 2sunny - it was a coworker. No, they didn't know her. The realisation of how far the ripples spread has come home to him now. And to me. There were lots of rumours at work and it's a small town so the rumours spread. I heard about H's affair again from the daughter of a friend of mine a few weeks ago - thankfully it was ancient news by then!
Recommended Posts