Pyro Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Well, his partner should. The same applies to her. She is prepared to break up with him over a tattoo. It isn't really different. I just read the entire thread and no where here is it stated that she has any interest in breaking up with him over this.
Taramere Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) It was a yes or no question. Answering yes or no would have been a lot simpler than writing the above paragraph. No it wouldn't. The question was a hypothetical one which didn't contain sufficient background information to support yes or no answer. So you got an "it would depend" type of answer. It would depend on whether you were expressing your view like a reasonable person, or nagging her about it like a control freak. I don't wanna read any paragraphs or evasions. Just yes or no. If you don't want to read paragraphs, don't read them. People analyse conflict and human relationships on here. It's a big part of what the site is about, and you don't get to dictate the terms of how other people post. Edited November 22, 2012 by Taramere
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I just read the entire thread and no where here is it stated that she has any interest in breaking up with him over this. True, it was projection on my part as I assumed that's what no compromise meant at her end as much as at his. No compromise as you either get a tattoo or you don't, there is nothing in between.
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Didn't speak for a week over this? Her getting a tattoo should be the least of your concerns. So am I one of the very few who thinks this isn't really about a tattoo? 1
Pyro Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 True, it was projection on my part as I assumed that's what no compromise meant at her end as much as at his. No compromise as you either get a tattoo or you don't, there is nothing in between. You are correct that there is no room for compromise here. It's either his way or her way. Regardless the relationship is distant from being healthy. 2
Pyro Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 So am I one of the very few who thinks this isn't really about a tattoo? Possibly. Lack of healthy and proper communication is one option but I know very little about OPs relationship to assume any other options at this point. Perhaps she is against him doing things to his body and/or they have a constant power struggle.
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I disagree wholeheartedly. A person does not need to discuss, as in it affects their decision/basically asking for permission, with their partner if they want to do something to their body, whether it's change their hair colour from black to purple, or have their nose pierced, whether they shave their legs, beard, it is their body to do as they wish with, none of these things impair the other one's life, that does not follow at all, these things don't cause pain! The only possible body modification I can think of which would affect a partner is genital piercings on a man IF they were ones which might hurt a woman internally! I would consider dumping a boyfriend who started insisting on wearing piercings around his mouth or in his tongue as I find those disgusting and very unhygenic, sure as hell I'd stop kissing him. Imagine all that food stuck in there, disgusting. It's not about asking for permission, it's changing the basic terms and conditions you signed up to when you started a relationship. You can't just go around unilaterally changing what the two of you had signed up to. It's selfish.
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Possibly. Lack of healthy and proper communication is one option but I know very little about OPs relationship to assume any other options at this point. Perhaps she is against him doing things to his body and/or they have a constant power struggle. I followed the OP's posts in the past and he does indeed have strong opinions about certain things, he is also quite conservative. I believe this argument is indicative of their differences between their respective value systems. 3
Pyro Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I followed the OP's posts in the past and he does indeed have strong opinions about certain things, he is also quite conservative. I believe this argument is indicative of their differences between their respective value systems. Poor communication and difference in values? This can't possibly last if things stay the same.
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Poor communication and difference in values? This can't possibly last if things stay the same. No. Oxy is quite young though still if I remember correctly, he is still learning.
Taramere Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) I followed the OP's posts in the past and he does indeed have strong opinions about certain things, he is also quite conservative. I believe this argument is indicative of their differences between their respective value systems. I agree. I also think they must both be quite young. Liking the same movies and games is very nice, but it hardly makes two people compatible as partners. I'm not big on tattoos, but that just means "I wouldn't get one". I make judgements about other people's tattoos to an extent, but only inasmuch as I've already made an overall judgement about the person. A tattoo will reinforce an existing negative judgement. However it won't result in me making a negative judgement about somebody who I already like and respect. The chances are I'll quite like the tattoo because I like the person. I think that's related, really, to respecting the choices of people you like and failing to respect the choices of people you don't have much truck with. It's not fair, particularly, but it's hard to avoid doing it. In common with others, I think the OP very likely saw his girlfriend as a herd animal before this tattoo business kicked off - but so long as she's following what he regards as the right herd, that's fine. It's not really a basis for the kind of strong compatibility that involves managing and appreciating differences as well as having similarities. The respect and admiration required for that level of compatibility seems to be absent. Edited November 22, 2012 by Taramere 3
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 In common with others, I think the OP very likely saw his girlfriend as a herd animal before this tattoo business kicked off - but so long as she's following what he regards as the right herd, that's fine. It's not really a basis for the kind of strong compatibility that involves managing and appreciating differences as well as having similarities. The respect and admiration required for that level of compatibility seems to be absent. That's probably the crux of the matter, yes
veggirl Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I disagree wholeheartedly. A person does not need to discuss, as in it affects their decision/basically asking for permission, with their partner if they want to do something to their body, No, no one NEEDS to discuss it but when you are in a relationship...well fk I guess I am crazy cause I think that's the right thing to do. I guess I also wouldn't NEED to tell my man I am quitting my job to become a go-go dancer, but I likely would tell him anyway and not because of any control issues and s.hit that people keep spouting :rolleyes::rolleyes: crazy............... 1
Author Oxy Moronovich Posted November 22, 2012 Author Posted November 22, 2012 Update: took almost 90 minutes last night to talk about her giving up the idea of a tattoo. It involved a little bit of pleading. I didn't say, "Either get rid of the tattoo or we're through." I said something more like, "I hope you don't think I'm trying to control you. That's not my intention. I am just trying to have you understand I appreciate much more without a tattoo." I also used dasein's links. So in the end I got her to promise me not to get a tattoo. She didn't appear resentful or anything. In fact, she was laughing. She said, "You really are a goof. I never thought you'd beg me so much not to get a tattoo. Would you have gotten down on your knees and begged me if I had held out?" I said, "Maybe." She laughed again and said, "Then I should have held out longer before promising you I wouldn't." Then we had makeup sex. We've already exchanged "I love you" with one another and are strongly attached emotionally. So breaking up is no easy thing. Thanks to the people who gave me advice on how to talk to her about it. Happy Thanksgiving. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 If you read my messages again you'd see I said that obviously some issues need discussing, but decorating your body with a tattoo is not one of them. Some of the messages here are saying a tattoo needs to be discussed, but this is purely because the OP and those posters don't like tattoos, and ultimately want to dissuade her from having one. If a person likes tattoos then it wouldn't be a huge drama that needs 'discussing'. Changing your job to become a go go dancer is far more a life changing thing which is likely to affect your partner then getting a tattoo. Obviously! :rolleyes::rolleyes: No, no one NEEDS to discuss it but when you are in a relationship...well fk I guess I am crazy cause I think that's the right thing to do. I guess I also wouldn't NEED to tell my man I am quitting my job to become a go-go dancer, but I likely would tell him anyway and not because of any control issues and s.hit that people keep spouting :rolleyes::rolleyes: crazy...............
HeavenOrHell Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Well done, you've stopped her doing something she wanted to do to her body. I'm sure what you said in your original post had a lot to do with her changing her mind as well. >We had a long fight. It took a week for us to get on speaking terms again. But things have been frosty< Update: took almost 90 minutes last night to talk about her giving up the idea of a tattoo. It involved a little bit of pleading. I didn't say, "Either get rid of the tattoo or we're through." I said something more like, "I hope you don't think I'm trying to control you. That's not my intention. I am just trying to have you understand I appreciate much more without a tattoo." I also used dasein's links. So in the end I got her to promise me not to get a tattoo. She didn't appear resentful or anything. In fact, she was laughing. She said, "You really are a goof. I never thought you'd beg me so much not to get a tattoo. Would you have gotten down on your knees and begged me if I had held out?" I said, "Maybe." She laughed again and said, "Then I should have held out longer before promising you I wouldn't." Then we had makeup sex. We've already exchanged "I love you" with one another and are strongly attached emotionally. So breaking up is no easy thing. Thanks to the people who gave me advice on how to talk to her about it. Happy Thanksgiving.
dasein Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 That's great OP, glad you two were able to work this out. What you post about the discussion says good things about the relationship's prospects.
Pyro Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Update: took almost 90 minutes last night to talk about her giving up the idea of a tattoo. It involved a little bit of pleading. I didn't say, "Either get rid of the tattoo or we're through." I said something more like, "I hope you don't think I'm trying to control you. That's not my intention. I am just trying to have you understand I appreciate much more without a tattoo." I also used dasein's links. So in the end I got her to promise me not to get a tattoo. She didn't appear resentful or anything. In fact, she was laughing. She said, "You really are a goof. I never thought you'd beg me so much not to get a tattoo. Would you have gotten down on your knees and begged me if I had held out?" I said, "Maybe." She laughed again and said, "Then I should have held out longer before promising you I wouldn't." Then we had makeup sex. We've already exchanged "I love you" with one another and are strongly attached emotionally. So breaking up is no easy thing. Thanks to the people who gave me advice on how to talk to her about it. Happy Thanksgiving. Glad that things are better for the two of you now but lets hope that she doesn't eventually resent you for making her promise that. Next you two ought to work on your communication and anger.
Author Oxy Moronovich Posted November 22, 2012 Author Posted November 22, 2012 This is classical. Like many women that go for tattoos she is probably insecure and looking for external validation and hence the herd mentality and doing what every other woman does to her body. I believe that if a woman is truly happy with herself image and her body she does not go for tattoos. Like someone else said: If a woman thinks her body is a Ferrari she would not add bumper stickers to it. Your BF was very happy with your words because you made her feel important, she needs that sort of thing. She would probably love it if you get down on your knees because it validates her. I suspect the two of you probably come from different family backgrounds and this difference was accentuated by her desire for a tattoo, Does your GF ever try to make you jealous? Yeah, we come from different backgrounds. She's Greek/Spanish from south Florida. Her's is a much more relaxed family that wasn't religious. While I'm from Michigan with a predominantly German family background. My parents are strict Protestants (in fact, my Dad was the pastor of our church) who made me go to church at least once a week until I left the house. She doesn't try to make me jealous. But I'm not quick to get jealous either. At least I like to think I'm not quick to get jealous.
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