GF wants a tattoo; it might be time to breakup?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Can I ask you "it's her body" people a serious question? If my gf wanted a boob, butt, or lip enhancement (or other type of plastic surgery) and I was against it, would you still be saying, "it's her body; you have no right to control her"?

 

YES. That said - I think that a person who is in a serious relationship needs to be aware that what they do with the appearance of their body, as well as how they care for it health-wise, is more than of interest to their partner. It can and probably will influence the whole relationship.

 

I've had a tattoo for decades. When I started dating my husband, I was a little concerned about how he'd react to that. He is not "the type," he is pretty conservative in many ways. But, he accepted it as a part of me without the blink of an eye.

 

After I'd been with him for a while, I started thinking about enhancing that tattoo. My ex husband and I got inked together … I did not want to have it removed, but I wanted to change it as a marker of having left that part of my life in the past while acknowledging that it's still a part of me today. I talked to S (my now husband) about it. If he told me he would be turned off, and that he'd prefer that I did not, I would NOT have done it.

 

Why? Because I want to be attractive to him, and I really care what he thinks of me. And my tattoo idea was not crucial for me.

 

BUT, if he'd come at me with what a stupid idea it was, what a sheep I would be for doing it, how he'd break up with me for doing it, scorn, disgust … well, I don't know about whether I'd have gotten a tattoo or not, but I would have taken a pretty serious look at whether this was the kind of man I would like to spend much more time with.

 

Because, that really is a controlling and disrespectful way to talk to a person about her or his own body.

 

As it happened, guess what he said. "That's up to you." He is neither turned on, nor off by my tattoo, which I did get fixed up, by the way.

[BetheButterfly]

oddly, my bf and i disagree about this too. i am 38 (he's 48) and neither of us have a tat. i want one though. he also says he'd break it off if i did that

 

How in the world can you break off a tattoo?

 

Ew. Never mind... just got a gruesome mental pic from a horror flick. Thanks a lot!

 

because he thinks it reflects upon my maturity level and that maybe i'm not done growing yet. my opinion? it's my body and can do it if i want. your gf has that same right. does her heart change because she gets a tat? does she become someone different? absolutely not. she'll be the same person she was an hour before, but with a little something extra. my mom got her first tat at age 75, a few months ago... so at whatever stage in life someone wants to do it - don't judge, and be supportive. if it's a phase ... it'll pass anyway

My Mom wants a tattoo. She hasn't gotten one yet, but I won't be surprised if she does someday lol. Her only reason for not doing it so far is because my Dad's opinion of tattoos. She respects his opinion. Once though after they had a fight, Mom was talking about getting a tattoo. I was encouraging her to do it (yes, rebellious me) but she couldn't do it and have a clean conscience, so she didn't. That's what love does to you.

[Lexii94]

Gosh, the OP is really judgmental. *Hides tattoo*

[xxoo]

Wondering about someone's judgment who wants to get a tattoo as being conformist or exhibiting a "herd mentality" when the reason they give is "just because" is completely reasonable.

 

Other than that, where exactly are these "so many criticisms of her mentality" by OP in this thread? Point them out in the thread please.

 

This post suggests a growing concern:

 

Her herd mentality has expressed itself in others already. She's the youngest in a family of four girls. Early on in the relationship, when she was drunk, she said, "My mom is a J cup. My oldest sis is an E. And my other two are both D cups. I feel like I got left behind. Sometimes I wanna do something about that."

 

Pretty sure that means she wants to get surgery. She's an A cup. We've never talked about it since then. But your quote made me wonder how strong her herd mentality is.

 

The thing about "herd mentality" is....we are all guilty of it, to different degrees. To me, things like the following ALL seem like "herd mentality":

 

women shaving body hair

women shaving pubic hair

women wearing heels (can permanently affect muscle size)

women plucking eye brows/electrolysis (permanent modification)

ear piercing (permanent modification)

male circumcision (permanent modification)

men shaving

 

Yet most people do all of these and are not accused of "herd mentality". Shaving the pubic hair is a recent "fad". Do you guys accuse women of herd mentality when you discover that she's shaved?

 

It is all relative. Personally, I've refused to follow the herd on a number of items on that list over the years, and my partner let me do as I pleased. Even with hairy armpits. I really hate following the herd!

[Oxy Moronovich]

I didn't know offering advice obliged me to answer further questions. I've got a piece of work to get on with, and since I'm being paid for it it takes priority...but one final contribution to Loveshack for tonight. Being against something isn't controlling. Nagging the f*ck out of somebody about it is.

It was a yes or no question. Answering yes or no would have been a lot simpler than writing the above paragraph. I don't know how you can get so defensive over something so simple.

I didn't say that your affection is questionable because you think she is more attractive without a tattoo.

 

I said your affection for her is questionable because of the way you view her character (herd mentality).

 

It isn't controlling to be against it.

 

It is controlling to expect her to refrain from tattoos because you don't like them.

 

But jeez....you are way overreacting here. It's a tattoo. It's not like she's having horns implanted or splitting her tongue in half. A tattoo. Get over it.

 

I still can't get a yes or no to my question from all you "it's her body" folks. If she wanted boobs, butt, lip or other plastic surgery and I was against it, would you still be saying, "It's her body. You need to get over it."?

 

I don't wanna read any paragraphs or evasions. Just yes or no.

[xxoo]

I still can't get a yes or no to my question from all you "it's her body" folks. If she wanted boobs, butt, lip or other plastic surgery and I was against it, would you still be saying, "It's her body. You need to get over it."?

 

I don't wanna read any paragraphs or evasions. Just yes or no.

 

I would say "it's her body".

 

I haven't said that you need to get over it. It is your choice to accept her or not.

[Janesays]

 

I still can't get a yes or no to my question from all you "it's her body" folks. If she wanted boobs, butt, lip or other plastic surgery and I was against it, would you still be saying, "It's her body. You need to get over it."?

 

I don't wanna read any paragraphs or evasions. Just yes or no.

 

Fine then. Yes. You'd have to get over it.

[veggirl]

damn! 7 pages on this? Who cares if he thinks tattoos look like s.hit? He is not attracted to them, is that so outrageous? I am not attracted to piercings and if my man wanted to get his nose pierced I would have a problem with it. That's not controlling him or his body... I am allowed, as is the OP, to express my opinion on the matter and shoot we all have our dealbreakers, if tattoos are his who cares? Obviously "it is her body" and she can get 50 tattoos if she wants. But I don't think it's so crazy that the OP would not be attracted to that. If its something he feels strongly about, to the point that he would walk from a relationship because of it, so? That's his deal. Yeah lots of people have tattoos but we all pick what our dealbreakers are and we all deal with the "consequences" of that. I don't see what the whole stink is about.

[veggirl]

Yeah, you'd have to get over that too. If she wants to put a bone through her nose, cut off an ear, shave her head, implant anything anywhere, gain two hundred pounds... you'd have to get over it those things too, or hit the road, because it's not your damned body. If you can't get over it, leave. That's really all you have a right to do when it comes to anyone else's body. If you don't like what someone else is doing with her body, get away from her and find someone you approve of. You simply do not matter at all when it comes to choices that other people make regarding their own bodies. Yours is the only one you have a say over.

 

Right. So everyone is saying "get over it or move on" but then when the OP says he would just move on, that is offensive?

[veggirl]

No, it's not. He should move on. I believe I've said that at least three times now. I don't find it offensive at all. He should get away from her. Please show me where I've said his choice is offensive.

 

lol well you were likening him to a dude who chains women up to force them to stay skinny.

 

Maybe I used the wrong wording, I was just curious as to why everyone is so up in arms about him not liking tattoos. I mean who cares? and assuming that if he tells her he doesn't like it or doesn't want her to get it that he is controlling her? That's ridiculous, he's not BANNING her from it (how could he?) and he isn't like tying her to a tree to prevent it, he is telling her he doesn't like it... I see nothing wrong with "I really hate tattoos...I wish you wouldn't get one, I honestly don't know if I can date someone with tattoos". Sub --whatever personal dealbreaker-- in for tattoos.

[ThaWholigan]

lol well you were likening him to a dude who chains women up to force them to stay skinny.

 

Maybe I used the wrong wording, I was just curious as to why everyone is so up in arms about him not liking tattoos. I mean who cares? and assuming that if he tells her he doesn't like it or doesn't want her to get it that he is controlling her? That's ridiculous, he's not BANNING her from it (how could he?) and he isn't like tying her to a tree to prevent it, he is telling her he doesn't like it... I see nothing wrong with "I really hate tattoos...I wish you wouldn't get one, I honestly don't know if I can date someone with tattoos". Sub --whatever personal dealbreaker-- in for tattoos.

I've been thinking the opposite really! I don't really see the big deal about tattoos, couple girls have been bellyaching me to get one and I don't really want one.

 

But I agree, Oxy is turned off by them, I don't see the offense there.

[xxoo]

lol well you were likening him to a dude who chains women up to force them to stay skinny.

 

Maybe I used the wrong wording, I was just curious as to why everyone is so up in arms about him not liking tattoos. I mean who cares? and assuming that if he tells her he doesn't like it or doesn't want her to get it that he is controlling her? That's ridiculous, he's not BANNING her from it (how could he?) and he isn't like tying her to a tree to prevent it, he is telling her he doesn't like it... I see nothing wrong with "I really hate tattoos...I wish you wouldn't get one, I honestly don't know if I can date someone with tattoos". Sub --whatever personal dealbreaker-- in for tattoos.

 

I see nothing wrong with that, either. He should definitely say something like that, and then decide accordingly if she gets one.

 

But he has already expressed his disapproval more strongly than that, and it's resulted in a fight followed by a week of not speaking to each other. That doesn't sound nearly as productive and healthy as what you suggest above.

[xxoo]

@XXOO: I hope the pubic maintenance isn't just a fad, I really do.

 

Only time will tell! Still, it is a recent fad, about as recent as tattooing.

 

Can't pick and choose what we accuse of "herd mentality".

[BetheButterfly]

This post suggests a growing concern:

 

 

 

The thing about "herd mentality" is....we are all guilty of it, to different degrees. To me, things like the following ALL seem like "herd mentality":

 

women shaving body hair

women shaving pubic hair

women wearing heels (can permanently affect muscle size)

women plucking eye brows/electrolysis (permanent modification)

ear piercing (permanent modification)

male circumcision (permanent modification)

men shaving

 

Yet most people do all of these and are not accused of "herd mentality". Shaving the pubic hair is a recent "fad". Do you guys accuse women of herd mentality when you discover that she's shaved?

 

It is all relative. Personally, I've refused to follow the herd on a number of items on that list over the years, and my partner let me do as I pleased. Even with hairy armpits. I really hate following the herd!

 

My husband prefers I follow the herd and shave my legs, pubic area, and under my arms sigh. I have tried to reason with him but he insists on liking that herd mentality. I tell him that hair is natural, but then he asks me if bras are natural... I like bras cause sagging is not something I'm wanting to achieve lol, so yeah... we all pretty much follow some kind of herd mentality lol.

 

I don't understand why some people are so against tattoos?

[dasein]

he isn't like tying her to a tree to prevent it

 

It's simply a lazy, self-righteous misapplication of a feminist rallying cry to a permanent cosmetic choice that is well within the reasonable discussion and negotiation parameters of a relationship. This thread is long on lecture and blame assignment and short on meaningful advice.

[xxoo]

I like bras cause sagging is not something I'm wanting to achieve lol, so yeah... we all pretty much follow some kind of herd mentality lol.

 

Oh, I forgot that one!

 

My H has tried accusing me of "herd mentality" to get me to eschew wearing a bra

[kaylan]

Serious post.

 

I've had sex with women with tattoos but tattoos on women turn me off so much I can't get into an LTR with a woman with tatts. Almost 2 weeks ago my gf said she wanted a tatt. I disapproved. We had a long fight. It took a week for us to get on speaking terms again. But things have been frosty.

 

A woman without tatts seems to be becoming rarer ever year. At this rate, in 10 yrs. they'll be as hard to find as CD stores.

 

I am not dating a chick with tatts. Any suggestion on how to get my gf's mind off this stupid idea?

You can grow up and/or dump her. Tattoos say little about a persons character or personaity. Many different kinds of people have them. Get over it and move on. You wont be abe to convince her of anything. She probably already sees you as closeminded and controlling. Good luck not getting dumped first.

[veggirl]

Yes, he is like those men. Very much so. Men who feel that they have some right over their partners' bodies are men who should probably not be with the partners they're trying to control. End of story. The bottom line is he shouldn't be with this woman if he doesn't like the way she chooses to handle her own body. It's not his place to tell her what to do, or threaten to leave, or argue with her about it. He really just needs to get as far away from her as possible, for both their sakes. Is that offensive to me? Nope, not in the least. I never would have argued with him about it in the first place if he was my partner. I would have done exactly what I wanted and let him deal with that however he saw fit. It's called autonomy...our bodies are one of the few places where the concept still sort of applies.

 

God. This is so dramatic, I am seriously confused.

 

Would you be this pissed off if he asked her to shave her legs? He's not telling her what to do, he is telling her what he does and does not like. Yeah the fact that this turned into a huge argument between them says a lot about their relationship--about BOTH of them not just him.

 

Where did he say he should be able to control her body?

Where did he say that he has a RIGHT to her body?

Get a grip. He said he doesn't like tattoos and he doesn't want a girlfriend who gets one. THAT'S IT.

 

But he has already expressed his disapproval more strongly than that, and it's resulted in a fight followed by a week of not speaking to each other. That doesn't sound nearly as productive and healthy as what you suggest above.

 

Yeah the fact that they both let this turn into a huge fight is weird and kinda dysfunctional but again, that's the fault of both of them not just the OP. I agree a week of not speaking to one another is extremely unproductive and unhealthy.

 

I am just.... I mean a guy saying he doesn't like tattoos and doesn't want a girl who has them has suddenly turned into accusations of trying to control her and thinking he owns her body... it's almost laughable.

[veggirl]

I think you may projecting a bit here. I'm not pissed. I'm not actually feeling anything about any of this. It's not my BF or my body that's being debated. The OP asked for opinions and advice, he got it. You seem to be overlooking the fact that that is all that's being given. He wanted to know whether he should end the relationship. I think he should. A man that threatens a break up over a choice his partner is making regarding her own body is in fact trying to exert control over said partner's body. She's not tattooing his body and she's not threatening to leave the relationship. You don't seem to understand the relationship between her body and his threat.

 

Please try to exercise a little bit of clarity of thought here. I don't actually have a dog in this fight, I don't care what becomes of the OP or his GF.

 

 

Okay well sorry if I misinterpreted your "tone"--your posts came off as very angry to me.

 

I don't think saying "X is a dealbreaker for me" is trying to control someone. It is telling them how you feel, she is FREE to do what she wants. Should he not have told her that he doesn't like tattoos? Should he have instead just left without explanation?

 

I don't know, if I was gonna shave my head bald, I would prefer my man to tell me BEFORE I did it "wow VG, I really don't like bald headed women. I can't date one, I'm sorry" and then you know I can weigh the two...would I rather be bald or would I rather have my boyfriend? Or is there a middle ground (perhaps a crewcut? ) or further discussion /clarification that could bring us "to the middle". Anyway I wouldn't jump to "whoa my man is trying to control my body" because he tells me he wouldn't wanna be with someone who shaved their head bald.

[HeavenOrHell]

I disagree wholeheartedly.

 

A person does not need to discuss, as in it affects their decision/basically asking for permission, with their partner if they want to do something to their body, whether it's change their hair colour from black to purple, or have their nose pierced, whether they shave their legs, beard, it is their body to do as they wish with, none of these things impair the other one's life, that does not follow at all, these things don't cause pain! The only possible body modification I can think of which would affect a partner is genital piercings on a man IF they were ones which might hurt a woman internally!

 

Plastic surgery isn't my thing at all, I would tell him those were my plans if I were going to change my shape in some way, same as I'd tell him if I were getting a tattoo, or that I'm changing my hair colour or whatever, just keeping him up to date, not to get his views or permission on it though, I'd be explaining to him what I'm going to do, that's all. If I wanted his opinion though, or anyone else's, then I'd ask for it.

 

My partner would not dream of asking me to change something about my body, hair, clothes etc, for example he once said he wouldn't care if I shaved my head, or had hair to my butt, or if it was black, red or whatever, that I'm beautiful no matter what.

 

We don't need details of this woman's tattoo, or the 'motive' it's irrelevant. She can have f*ck off across her forehead if she chooses, no I wouldn't care if my partner had one like that, I would just find it funny

 

>The "chattel slavery" implications many people, mostly females want to go around decrying these days are wholly inapt to this situation, they usually are generally. <

Uhm no, you're missing the point, I'd be the saying the same thing if a woman was kicking off about her male partner getting a tattoo. His body, not hers.

 

Of course there are many mutual decisions couples have to make, serious issues, like having kids, or seeing other partners, but I don't agree that getting a tattoo is one of them. In my r/ship it's more a case of 'I'm thinking about getting this tattoo done', and my or his reply would be 'yes, go for it, it would look great'. But that would only be the response in a compatible r/ship.

 

Damn right she and he can wear what they want, why would you not want a woman to wear a tube top?!!! My man can wear a tube top if he likes, not going to stop him if it makes him happy

 

Eating out; both partners decide, compatible couples will probably want to eat at similar places.

 

Men or women can be strippers if they want, I personally wouldn't choose a stripper as a bf but then I don't go for very confident, conventional, types anyway, so I already know any man I want to be with is never going to want to be a stripper. So we make choices.

 

Same as I wouldn't be/stay in a r/ship if they wanted to involve other partners, but again I'm unlikely to start seeing, or continue seeing someone who's that way inclined anyway.

 

A man with tattoos and a purple mohawk, sounds good

 

 

The points that eluded several "logic scholars" in the thread were that 1. At that point, we didn't have enough detail to know specifics about her motive and the nature of the tattoo. and 2. The "IT'S HER BODY" kneejerk is inappropriate to a cosmetic discussion. The "chattel slavery" implications many people, mostly females want to go around decrying these days are wholly inapt to this situation, they usually are generally.

 

There are many mutual decisions couples make together when dating. Or rather I suppose if they disagree on where to eat one night, "IT'S HER BODY, SHE CAN EAT WHAT SHE WANTS!" or if she wants to wear a tube top to his Christmas Party "IT'S HER BODY, SHE CAN WEAR WHAT SHE WANTS." or if she wants to drink 2l of vodka a day, "IT'S HER BODY SHE CAN DRINK WHAT SHE WANTS!" or if she wants to get a second job as a stripper, "IT'S HER BODY SHE CAN STRIP IF SHE WANTS!"

 

The reasonable or even mildly unreasonable preferences of a partner are LEGITIMATE topics for negotiation in a relationship, and resorting to feminist platitudes as framing those types of negotiations is what is SHALLOW. Not OP'S preferences. I imagine GF has several preferences of her own, and if OP decided he wants to wear a purple mohawk, she would have reasonable grounds to discuss and dissuade him from this.

 

People do in fact have a right to weigh in on cosmetic decisions a partner makes and to dissuade them from -permanent- decisions especially. For the logicians out there, any kind of plastic surgery would be analogous. OP at least has a reasonable preference and finds large tattoos reduce his physical attraction. GF wants a tattoo "just because" a bad reason for lots of decisions, especially things that are hard to reverse.

[Kelly15]

maybe you really don't love her, a tat shouldnt be a deal breaker

[theredpill]

Dude its just a tattoo, seriously?

 

You're lucky to have her, if you pulled that shenanigans on me and you'd be "next'd" instantly...

[Els]

The thing about "herd mentality" is....we are all guilty of it, to different degrees. To me, things like the following ALL seem like "herd mentality":

 

women shaving body hair

women shaving pubic hair

women wearing heels (can permanently affect muscle size)

women plucking eye brows/electrolysis (permanent modification)

ear piercing (permanent modification)

male circumcision (permanent modification)

men shaving

 

Yet most people do all of these and are not accused of "herd mentality". Shaving the pubic hair is a recent "fad". Do you guys accuse women of herd mentality when you discover that she's shaved?

 

It is all relative. Personally, I've refused to follow the herd on a number of items on that list over the years, and my partner let me do as I pleased. Even with hairy armpits. I really hate following the herd!

 

Precisely!

 

Some people are quick to throw out the 'herd mentality' card when it is about something that they dislike. When it is about something that they like, well, suddenly that doesn't become a problem at all, eh.

[Els]

Yeah the fact that they both let this turn into a huge fight is weird and kinda dysfunctional but again, that's the fault of both of them not just the OP. I agree a week of not speaking to one another is extremely unproductive and unhealthy.

 

I am just.... I mean a guy saying he doesn't like tattoos and doesn't want a girl who has them has suddenly turned into accusations of trying to control her and thinking he owns her body... it's almost laughable.

 

But the occurrence that you mentioned in your first paragraph IS the reason some people are coming down hard on the OP. Week-long fights are fairly unlikely to occur if all the OP had said was, "I'm sorry, honey, I find tattoos terribly unattractive. I really hope you don't get one. :(". HOW he talks about her and tattoos in this thread, combined with that, is what reveals his attitude of entitlement towards what his partner does with her body. His personal dislike of tattoos has really not been attacked much here. FWIW, I personally dislike tattoos too. But, you know, if my bf said he was thinking of getting one, I wouldn't say something like:

 

 

Almost 2 weeks ago my gf said she wanted a tatt. I disapproved. We had a long fight. It took a week for us to get on speaking terms again. But things have been frosty.

 

A woman without tatts seems to be becoming rarer ever year. At this rate, in 10 yrs. they'll be as hard to find as CD stores.

 

I am not dating a chick with tatts. Any suggestion on how to get my gf's mind off this stupid idea?

[Pyro]

Didn't speak for a week over this?

 

Her getting a tattoo should be the least of your concerns.