GF wants a tattoo; it might be time to breakup?

[tman666]

I know what you mean but I think that everyone has boxes and everyone's are different. People are bugged by different things and tattoos are quite visible so they speak louder than others.

 

Of course people will perceive and judge people with tattoos differently. It's human nature to do so. The problem I had with Pierre's post was its black and white assessment.

[HeavenOrHell]

If this is a serious post then you two should break up, so she can be with someone who loves her as she is and doesn't want to change her.

 

 

Serious post.

 

I've had sex with women with tattoos but tattoos on women turn me off so much I can't get into an LTR with a woman with tatts. Almost 2 weeks ago my gf said she wanted a tatt. I disapproved. We had a long fight. It took a week for us to get on speaking terms again. But things have been frosty.

 

A woman without tatts seems to be becoming rarer ever year. At this rate, in 10 yrs. they'll be as hard to find as CD stores.

 

I am not dating a chick with tatts. Any suggestion on how to get my gf's mind off this stupid idea?

[xxoo]

Since the guys brought up beards (not that it is completely analogous, but going with their analogy)...

 

What would you guys say to a woman dating a man, and considering breaking up because he grew a beard and wants to keep it? Who got in such a fight about it that they didn't speak for a week?

[HeavenOrHell]

Anything do with a swastika is a little bit different, (ie racist) to someone wanting a tattoo of a butterlfy or whatever it is she wants

 

If I wanted/wished my partner wore different clothes and had his hair different then that would make me shallow and incompatible to him.

 

Oh? This isn't an abortion debate concerning a baby and reproductive rights, despite looking lots like one from the replies. People do in fact have a reasonable say and input in what their partner decides to do with their body cosmetically. Don't disagree if you have ever told a partner you like their hair a certain way or wish they would wear different clothing.

 

What if OP wanted to put a giant 3" c-ck ring in? a face tattoo of My Little Pony? nipple piercings with swastikas dangling off them? Would the analysis begin and end with allcaps "IT'S HIS BODY?" with no sympathy for the other party's position or analysis at all? I think not.

 

 

 

Because if one wants to do something cosmetically that distresses one's partner unduly "just because," "because she likes the one Snooki has," "because all the cool kids do it," "because I want everyone to see the equivalent of '500 men served' when I wear a bikini," "because a leprechaun told her it would be fun," then it is rational for the distressed partner to want to dissuade them, especially if it is a relatively -permanent- change such as a tattoo.

 

 

 

I'd rather find out -why- she wants one, and -what- we are talking about specifically, 1" star on ankle or 5 color portrait of a deceased relative on her inner thigh, before -presuming- to give that advice.

[HeavenOrHell]

Most people would not put up with their partner styling their hair the way *they* wanted it A tad controlling.

 

No argument there. But I had a GF who would put product in my hair and want to style it just the way she wanted, would get peevish if denied, so I usually just let her do it. NBD. Getting a tattoo is permanent, and depending on how long they are dating and how serious, a legitimate relationship topic which may or may not signal incompatibility. More detail will tell which, before jumping to conclusions based on inapt "her body" kneejerk reactions.

 

 

 

Yes, they fought, but still need more detail before any kind of -meaningful- advice can be given.

[pteromom]

If it is something she really wants to do, there's no point in analyzing her reasons and deeming them silly and unimportant. If she wants one, she wants one.

 

Is there any room for compromise here? Would you be ok if she got a small tattoo on her ankle, or somewhere else that wouldn't ruin your view if you were looking at her body during sex or something? Maybe her wrist, or the top of her shoulder on the back?

 

Rather than say it is a dealbreaker, can you explain to her that you find tattoos a turn-off, and ask her if she would be willing to talk with you about the size and location before doing it?

[dasein]

Anything do with a swastika is a little bit different, (ie racist) to someone wanting a tattoo of a butterlfy or whatever it is she wants

 

The points that eluded several "logic scholars" in the thread were that 1. At that point, we didn't have enough detail to know specifics about her motive and the nature of the tattoo. and 2. The "IT'S HER BODY" kneejerk is inappropriate to a cosmetic discussion. The "chattel slavery" implications many people, mostly females want to go around decrying these days are wholly inapt to this situation, they usually are generally.

 

There are many mutual decisions couples make together when dating. Or rather I suppose if they disagree on where to eat one night, "IT'S HER BODY, SHE CAN EAT WHAT SHE WANTS!" or if she wants to wear a tube top to his Christmas Party "IT'S HER BODY, SHE CAN WEAR WHAT SHE WANTS." or if she wants to drink 2l of vodka a day, "IT'S HER BODY SHE CAN DRINK WHAT SHE WANTS!" or if she wants to get a second job as a stripper, "IT'S HER BODY SHE CAN STRIP IF SHE WANTS!"

 

The reasonable or even mildly unreasonable preferences of a partner are LEGITIMATE topics for negotiation in a relationship, and resorting to feminist platitudes as framing those types of negotiations is what is SHALLOW. Not OP'S preferences. I imagine GF has several preferences of her own, and if OP decided he wants to wear a purple mohawk, she would have reasonable grounds to discuss and dissuade him from this.

 

People do in fact have a right to weigh in on cosmetic decisions a partner makes and to dissuade them from -permanent- decisions especially. For the logicians out there, any kind of plastic surgery would be analogous. OP at least has a reasonable preference and finds large tattoos reduce his physical attraction. GF wants a tattoo "just because" a bad reason for lots of decisions, especially things that are hard to reverse.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Beyond letting her know women with tattoos aren't really your type but acknowledging that it's her body, not really. Then again, I happen to think that if any approach is going to work, that's the approach with the biggest chance of success. As you can see from responses you've received from women, you going on about this too much is likely to be received as an indication that you feel a sense of ownership over her body. You can roll your eyes about that, but that's not going to alter the way she feels about it. This entire situation seems to be partly about aesthetics (you don't like tattoos) but also about control. "How do I talk her out of this?" The more you focus on that, the less success you're likely to meet with, because it'll just become a power struggle between the two of you.

 

I can understand that it upsets and frustrates you that she knows you don't like tattoos and yet she'd still voluntarily change her body in a way that's likely to leave you feeling less attracted to her. However, without acknowledging that its her body to do what she wants with, you might not be able to move beyond this power struggle. Bombarding her with information and arguments as to why she shouldn't get a tattoo is likely to come across as control freakish...which is an entirely ineffective way to tackle something like this. Especially when you've already had a week long fight about it. You're her boyfriend, not her father.

 

I would have thought the best approach is along the lines of "look, I can't pretend to be happy that the woman I love wants to alter her body in a way she knows I'm going to be turned off by. I value this relationship hugely, but I realise that ultimately it's your body and your choice and I apologise if I've come across as a bit paternalistic about all this."

 

That way you're giving a hint that if she goes ahead with this decision it might have a detrimental impact on the relationship insofar as you'll feel less attracted to her, but you're not delivering any kind of ultimatum that, like so many control strategies, would bind you more than it would control her (making you look weak if you reneged on it). It might be that she gets the tattoo and even though you dislike it you don't dislike it strongly enough to end the relationship over it.

 

Men and women often do things that piss eachother off and turn eachother off. A lot of people will refer to those things as dealbreakers...but ultimately a person having a long list of dealbreakers, and an inflexible approach to them, is probably the biggest dealbreaker of all. Try to avoid the trap of reacting to her "I might get a tattoo" ponderings in a control freakish way, Oxy. It's really unlikely to get the results you would hope for.

 

Can I ask you "it's her body" people a serious question? If my gf wanted a boob, butt, or lip enhancement (or other type of plastic surgery) and I was against it, would you still be saying, "it's her body; you have no right to control her"?

 

Taramere, you say it's a question of me trying to control her. I look at it differently. I look at it as a guy who sees his woman as fine the way she is and doesn't need unsightly blemishes. My gf has a hook nose a lot like Chelsea Peretti.

 

https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=hook+nose&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&bpcl=38897761&biw=1093&bih=479&wrapid=tlif135351670813810&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=qQatULPFDtHwigK7qYF4#um=1&hl=en&safe=off&tbo=d&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=chelsea+peretti&oq=chelsea+peretti&gs_l=img.3..0l4j0i5j0i24l5.179419.183187.16.183545.15.14.0.1.1.1.264.2411.3j8j3.14.0...0.0...1c.1._LuMyEWt8lY&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=b21c44ce22fe4c5a&bpcl=38897761&biw=1093&bih=479

 

She's expressed a desire for surgery. I told her I liked her the way she was and she hasn't said anything about a nosejob since. I wonder if I was being controlling by telling her that she's better without it?

 

Your argument completely fails to look at my side of things. If a woman decides to get plastic surgery, gain weight, grow out her body hair (i.e. legs and armpit hair), or shower less, do you really expect her bf to shrug his shoulders and say, "it's your body; you can do whatever you want with it"? By not wanting her to get a tatt, I'm expressing that I care about the way she looks and saying I think she looks better without it. What kind of woman wouldn't want a guy to care about the way she looks?

 

My sympathies, there are different ways of finding out that the person you are dating isn't quite as amazing as you had thought. I agree with tman and TheBigQuestion that it's about her thought process rather than the aesthetics of tattoos. Her lack of maturity and herd mentality would express itself in other ways in the future if that's any consolation.

Her herd mentality has expressed itself in others already. She's the youngest in a family of four girls. Early on in the relationship, when she was drunk, she said, "My mom is a J cup. My oldest sis is an E. And my other two are both D cups. I feel like I got left behind. Sometimes I wanna do something about that."

 

Pretty sure that means she wants to get surgery. She's an A cup. We've never talked about it since then. But your quote made me wonder how strong her herd mentality is.

[Emilia]

Her herd mentality has expressed itself in others already. She's the youngest in a family of four girls. Early on in the relationship, when she was drunk, she said, "My mom is a J cup. My oldest sis is an E. And my other two are both D cups. I feel like I got left behind. Sometimes I wanna do something about that."

 

Pretty sure that means she wants to get surgery. She's an A cup. We've never talked about it since then. But your quote made me wonder how strong her herd mentality is.

 

Actually, that might be something else. A lot of women don't feel feminine enough when they feel they lack certain curves. She probably had to listen to comparisons all her young life and that's not fun, I was on the receiving end of that for a while too, it can create deep insecurities.

[dasein]

If it is something she really wants to do, there's no point in analyzing her reasons and deeming them silly and unimportant. If she wants one, she wants one.

 

Really, you sure about the above? Would you apply similar reasoning to a loved one's questionable decisions in your own life? I sure wouldn't. "If she wants one she wants one?" What if OP decides he wants to get 12 cats and GF doesn't like cats? If he wants them he wants them? She has no grounds for complaint or to talk him out of it?

 

"Just because" is a silly and unimportant reason for lots of choices people make.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Since the guys brought up beards (not that it is completely analogous, but going with their analogy)...

 

What would you guys say to a woman dating a man, and considering breaking up because he grew a beard and wants to keep it? Who got in such a fight about it that they didn't speak for a week?

I'd say he's in the right. Here's why: facial hair is a natural part of the human body. A tattoo is not. Unlike tattoos, on women, facial hair on men isn't a fad that came about the within the last decade or so. Facial hair can be easily shaved off without surgery or leaving a scar. Plus, when a guy gets old and still has facial hair, it isn't nearly as bad as an old woman with a tattoo.

If it is something she really wants to do, there's no point in analyzing her reasons and deeming them silly and unimportant. If she wants one, she wants one.

 

Is there any room for compromise here? Would you be ok if she got a small tattoo on her ankle, or somewhere else that wouldn't ruin your view if you were looking at her body during sex or something? Maybe her wrist, or the top of her shoulder on the back?

 

Rather than say it is a dealbreaker, can you explain to her that you find tattoos a turn-off, and ask her if she would be willing to talk with you about the size and location before doing it?

I'm not compromising about it. I don't even want her to get a small heart on the bottom of her big toe.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Actually, that might be something else. A lot of women don't feel feminine enough when they feel they lack certain curves. She probably had to listen to comparisons all her young life and that's not fun, I was on the receiving end of that for a while too, it can create deep insecurities.

How deep? She doesn't live with her family anymore. She should be over it by now.

[xxoo]

I'm not compromising about it. I don't even want her to get a small heart on the bottom of her big toe.

 

The beauty of the situation is that you don't have to compromise on it.

 

And neither does she.

 

I wonder how much you genuinely like this girl, for who she is, if you have so many criticisms of her mentality.

[Emilia]

How deep? She doesn't live with her family anymore. She should be over it by now.

 

If you consider how much female breasts are discussed on this board by men and women, you can imagine what it must have felt like for her to be the only flat chested girl in the family (and probably amongst her friends too). Everyone would have commented on it over the years.

 

It's like as if your penis was smaller than all the men in the family and whenever you had some kind of public nudity going on, people would start scratching their head and say 'mmmm interesting, how come Oxy that your pecker is smaller than anyone else's'? How long would it take you as a 14 year-old to start feeling really bad about that?

 

Breasts are discussed a lot, women are judged on that basis all the time. It doesn't help if you feel you are the only one with the 'issue' and everyone else around you looks 'normal' (ie has breasts).

[dasein]

I wonder how much you genuinely like this girl, for who she is, if you have so many criticisms of her mentality.

 

Wondering about someone's judgment who wants to get a tattoo as being conformist or exhibiting a "herd mentality" when the reason they give is "just because" is completely reasonable.

 

Other than that, where exactly are these "so many criticisms of her mentality" by OP in this thread? Point them out in the thread please.

 

One other thing for the thread generally, not xxoo, did many of you stop to think about actually trying to answer OP's thread question in this multi page thread, "how to dissuade her?" as opposed to making this either 1. about you and your preferences in post after post, 2. taking some unwarranted stand for "women's rights," or 3. lecturing and tut-tutting at the OP? Because there's been very little of the former and lots of the latter. Presumably you are on this forum to get or give advice to people who ask specific dating questions. Why aren't you doing that then? Thread says more about certain posters here than OP or any unreasonable position on his part.

[Million.to.1]

The fact that you won't compromise on it says it all. This is about power and stubbornness.

[Million.to.1]

The problem I see with the nice tattoo people is that they have to compete with the tugs, druggies, criminals, and air heads that have the same tattoos.

 

People with Tattoos don't have a problem with people without them.

Plain and simple.

[Taramere]

Can I ask you "it's her body" people a serious question? If my gf wanted a boob, butt, or lip enhancement (or other type of plastic surgery) and I was against it, would you still be saying, "it's her body; you have no right to control her"?

 

Taramere, you say it's a question of me trying to control her. I look at it differently. I look at it as a guy who sees his woman as fine the way she is and doesn't need unsightly blemishes. My gf has a hook nose a lot like Chelsea Peretti.

 

https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=hook+nose&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&bpcl=38897761&biw=1093&bih=479&wrapid=tlif135351670813810&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=qQatULPFDtHwigK7qYF4#um=1&hl=en&safe=off&tbo=d&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=chelsea+peretti&oq=chelsea+peretti&gs_l=img.3..0l4j0i5j0i24l5.179419.183187.16.183545.15.14.0.1.1.1.264.2411.3j8j3.14.0...0.0...1c.1._LuMyEWt8lY&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=b21c44ce22fe4c5a&bpcl=38897761&biw=1093&bih=479

 

She's expressed a desire for surgery. I told her I liked her the way she was and she hasn't said anything about a nosejob since. I wonder if I was being controlling by telling her that she's better without it?

 

Your argument completely fails to look at my side of things. If a woman decides to get plastic surgery, gain weight, grow out her body hair (i.e. legs and armpit hair), or shower less, do you really expect her bf to shrug his shoulders and say, "it's your body; you can do whatever you want with it"? By not wanting her to get a tatt, I'm expressing that I care about the way she looks and saying I think she looks better without it. What kind of woman wouldn't want a guy to care about the way she looks?

 

 

Her herd mentality has expressed itself in others already. She's the youngest in a family of four girls. Early on in the relationship, when she was drunk, she said, "My mom is a J cup. My oldest sis is an E. And my other two are both D cups. I feel like I got left behind. Sometimes I wanna do something about that."

 

Pretty sure that means she wants to get surgery. She's an A cup. We've never talked about it since then. But your quote made me wonder how strong her herd mentality is.

 

You can take my advice or leave it. From the sound of things you'd rather leave it and that's fine. All I can do is attempt, as a woman, to present you with some perspective of how she's likely to react if you approach this with the goal of talking her out of something she wants to do. I did express an appreciation of your perspective in my response, but perhapas it wasn't vigorous enough for your liking.

 

Good luck with whichever approach you decide to use.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't actually think Oxy is wrong here. I'm fairly apathetic towards tattoos, I actually quite like some of them on women, so I'm probably a bit of an outlier there. I don't have any myself and have no strong desire to get one, but I definitely don't mind women who have them.

 

However, if Oxy is severely turned off by them, then I don't see why it's unreasonable that he wouldn't want his GF to get one. He's not trying to control her, he just doesn't want to be turned off by his own GF. I'm not going to delve into the "reasons" for her to do so - it's not always a herd mentality thing, and it's a bit stereotypical to assume that. But the fact is, tattoos turn him off, and his GF wants to get one.

 

I second TMan & BigQuestion's advice - be honest about your concerns and outline exactly why you are against it and then see where the chips fall.

[Oxy Moronovich]

If you consider how much female breasts are discussed on this board by men and women, you can imagine what it must have felt like for her to be the only flat chested girl in the family (and probably amongst her friends too). Everyone would have commented on it over the years.

 

It's like as if your penis was smaller than all the men in the family and whenever you had some kind of public nudity going on, people would start scratching their head and say 'mmmm interesting, how come Oxy that your pecker is smaller than anyone else's'? How long would it take you as a 14 year-old to start feeling really bad about that?

 

Breasts are discussed a lot, women are judged on that basis all the time. It doesn't help if you feel you are the only one with the 'issue' and everyone else around you looks 'normal' (ie has breasts).

Thanks for that perspective. It's greatly appreciated. I've never had a problem dating a flat-chested woman. I don't think that automatically makes me better than guys that do. It's just never been an issue with me.

 

Since my gf is flat-chested, she can do a lot of activities that are difficult for women with large breasts: swimming, volleyball, gymnastics, mountain climbing, etc. So we do a lot of activities together.

 

But I never thought she had body image issues. I always thought as long as I was satisfied with her body she would appreciate that. But I guess when she goes back to meet her family those old issues come up.

 

Now that I think about it, this might be a problem that I'm ignoring. Should I somehow talk to her about it?

 

I wonder how much you genuinely like this girl, for who she is, if you have so many criticisms of her mentality.

 

The fact that you won't compromise on it says it all. This is about power and stubbornness.

So, according to xxoo and Million, by telling my girlfriend she is more attractive without the tattoo my affection for her is questionable and I'm trying to control her.

 

God help us if you two are licensed psychologists.

You can take my advice or leave it. From the sound of things you'd rather leave it and that's fine. All I can do is attempt, as a woman, to present you with some perspective of how she's likely to react if you approach this with the goal of talking her out of something she wants to do. I did express an appreciation of your perspective in my response, but perhapas it wasn't vigorous enough for your liking.

 

Good luck with whichever approach you decide to use.

You did not answer the question: would it still be me controlling her if I was against her getting a boob, butt, or lip enhancement?

 

I second TMan & BigQuestion's advice - be honest about your concerns and outline exactly why you are against it and then see where the chips fall.

I'm going to see if I can have an honest talk with her about it tonight. Thanks for the help.

[Taramere]

You did not answer the question: would it still be me controlling her if I was against her getting a boob, butt, or lip enhancement?

 

I didn't know offering advice obliged me to answer further questions. I've got a piece of work to get on with, and since I'm being paid for it it takes priority...but one final contribution to Loveshack for tonight. Being against something isn't controlling. Nagging the f*ck out of somebody about it is.

[xxoo]

So, according to xxoo and Million, by telling my girlfriend she is more attractive without the tattoo my affection for her is questionable and I'm trying to control her.

 

I didn't say that your affection is questionable because you think she is more attractive without a tattoo.

 

I said your affection for her is questionable because of the way you view her character (herd mentality).

 

You did not answer the question: would it still be me controlling her if I was against her getting a boob, butt, or lip enhancement?

 

It isn't controlling to be against it.

 

It is controlling to expect her to refrain from tattoos because you don't like them.

Edited November 21, 2012 by xxoo

[Janesays]

Personally, I would never get a tattoo...because why put a bumper sticker on a ferrari?

 

But jeez....you are way overreacting here. It's a tattoo. It's not like she's having horns implanted or splitting her tongue in half. A tattoo. Get over it.

[BetheButterfly]

I didn't say that your affection is questionable because you think she is more attractive without a tattoo.

 

People are beautiful without tattoos. However, those who want tattoos many times get beautiful tattoos and they like them. It's their skin (it's not as if she wants to tattoo a baby) so what does it matter? (If by the way, y'all have a baby and she wants to tattoo the baby, then I'd have a serious problem with that.)

 

 

I said your affection for her is questionable because of the way you view her character (herd mentality).

 

Agreed.

 

People like art and for some people, their body is a canvas. That's fine and is each adult's right to decide what hair color they want (natural or dyed), what makeup to wear (permanent or not) and if they want permanent art on their bodies or not.

It isn't controlling to be against it.

 

It is controlling to expect her to refrain from tattoos because you don't like them.

 

Agreed.

 

Personally, I would love a tattoo of either a little butterfly and flower or a dolphin jumping. I'd like the tattoo by my ankle. I have no idea if I will ever do it though cause I have a very low tolerance to certain kinds of pain and I have no idea if I can handle needles.

 

My husband is fine with that... we talked about tattoos before we even started dating. He personally would like to get a tattoo that he dreamed about, which is really interesting to me. I support him in that.

 

My Dad is very much against tattoos, but he recognizes that it's an art form and stresses that if I ever do (which he does not condone) that I should make sure the tattoo artist is an expert who uses clean needles.

 

Anyways, I think if it's that much of a deal-breaker for the OP, that's his right to decide not to date a person who might get a tattoo. Personally, I think there are much worse deal-breakers than permanent art on one's skin, but everybody's different.

[BetheButterfly]

Personally, I would never get a tattoo...because why put a bumper sticker on a ferrari?

 

 

Lol!!! Good point!!!

 

Stickers are nice... I like stickers. I also like washable facepaint lol.

 

It's fun to get decorated... but yeah, there's not really the need. For many people, it's a form of expression, art, or showing what's important to you... like a bumper sticker lol. Thankfully though, stickers can come off easily!