Not sure what to call this? Free candy?

[KrashDummy]

Hello everyone, I'm new to the site. This will be my first post. It was meant to be a short one....it didn't turn out so short. This maybe confusing because my brain is frazzled. Forgive me if its all over the place.

 

Anyone who reads all the way through and replies gets a free candy bar....(that was a lie;)). Seriously though, Im on the verge of another mental breakdown and any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Even if its just to know someone read it!

 

This contains admission of text message snooping!

I know its wrong...I think. She has cheated on me before though (excuses). I was absolutely devastated! I vomited instantly, had a mental break down and lost 25+kg(bonus!) Most painful and drawn out experience I have ever had. SO....I'm allowed to snoop under EXTREMELY suspicious circumstances to protect my mental and physical health? Am I?

 

I have been with my GF for over 7 years. She is 27. We live about an hour apart due to work but stay at one or the others 3-5 nights a week. We get along great. Best friends. I do love her, despite her faults. I dont understand her (that's normal though right )....but I love her. And she does love me. She just has different views on certain things I guess.

 

"I" am having a drama at the moment. Not we. Me. According to her, every things great. She wants to get married. Soon. We have been talking about it fairly seriously for about a year.

 

Small problem.

 

PART1

 

2 weeks ago we almost split. She had been acting weird for about a month.

Anyway, this is what happened, you be the judge.

I was suspicious, she had been acting weird, the previous day she took a day off work, didnt tell me and ignored her phone till late afternoon when I rang worried that she may have had an accident on her way to work. She said she didnt feel like going in today (she never takes days off work, not even when I arrange romantic outings), sad it was a split second decision she had (after I had left to go to my job), she decided she was going to do a service on her motorbike (something she didnt know how to do).

 

Why didnt you answer your phone, ive been messaging you all day?

She replied "I was doing the bike service".

That was it.

I should say that we text each other (10-20 times a day) to stay in contact and make sure the other is alright. Every morning upon arriving to work without fail for 7yrs. We get along well. Funny when I think about it.

 

A bike service only takes an hour or two max. So I was suspicious of this.

(Can you tell she has cheated on me before!).

 

Anyway,

I took a photo on her phone and went to look at it in her photo gallery, she was sitting next to me at the time. I started flicking through her photos and commenting on stuff. She noticed I was flicking through her photos and suddenly panicked and tried to distract me, asking if I wanted to do this and that.

I noticed she was having a bit of a panic....so I looked right the way through her gallery. There was a photo of a bloke I had recently bought a car from in there pulling a face at her(the camera). They share an interest in mechanics, and I new that they were keeping in contact via txt msg and that he's an ex mechanic and my GFs about to start studying mechanics.

They both have an interest in motorbikes and are planning on doing a day trip together. I new he had found some bits and peices for the car and brought them to her house because its closer than where I live, this I new about. This was all fine.

That was weeks earlier than the photo. The photo was taken her house. In the back yard. When she was supposed to have been at work. I noticed it and said nothing at the time. It didnt click at first, the time and date, I wanted to double check before asking her about it. I checked as soon as I could and about an hour later I asked if I could look at her phone. I went into the gallery....the photo had been deleted.

I said "theres a photo missing from the gallery?",she replied "what photo?".

I said the photo of ##### in your back yard, when you were supposed to be at work. She said" Oh, that, thats just #####, the date must be wrong, I was working that day,that photo was taken when he brought the parts around".

And why did you delete it? "Because I knew you would be jealous if you saw it".

Wow, so comfortable together, pulling faces at each other the second time you ever saw each other, what was the face about? "He wanted to send a funny face photo to one of his friends".

What, take it with your phone, then send it to his phone, so he can send it to his friends phone? That doesnt sound right. "Oh thats just #####, hes just like that."

That doesnt make sense. "dont ask"

Ok.

 

I asked was ##### at your house yesterday? Did he help you do the service? She denied it.

There wasnt much I could do. I couldnt prove anything, I had just made some accusations. Things werent comfortable the rest of that day. I started to doubt myself and think it was all in my head. We made up.

 

Then....I saw the profile photo of him on her phone, the one that comes up when you ring someone. Hes standing there topless. Where did she get that!!!!

And my brain did a backflop while my heart began to crack again.

 

I looked at her txt msgs. Im not proud.

 

She texts him more than she texts me, every day. The day she took off work to do her bike service there were no texts from him until late afternoon....the first text from him said "I just got back home". Her "that was quick". Him " I sped all the way".

The texts between them are a mix of mechanics and mild flirting.

 

PART 2

I said nothing about this to her. I dont think shes capable of telling the truth when put on the spot about this sort of thing. She gets defensive, thinks its over if she admits to anything. She does love me. I think shes a compulsive cheater....trying not to cheat...she thinks if no-one knows then no-one gets hurt. Which, I think might be true?

 

Moving on,

 

Last week she bought a "naughty schoolgirl fantasy sexy outfit" and took photos of herself and sent them to me through her phone.....This is COMPLETELY out of character for her!!! Both the clothing and sending photos of herself like that!

And of course made me suspicious and consequently I looked at her texts again....

The night she sent the photos to me there was a nothing unusual sent to him....I thought, but reading further down, the following day she said to him "If I die today while i'm riding my bike I will die happy, your the only one who agrees with my thoughts on this" and his reply was....." If you die today at least I have some sexy pics of you to remember you by".

 

And I just about put my fist through the screen after typing that.

 

I could have taken it out of context...

 

I dont know...

 

Is it all in my head? Am I looking too much into this? Have I lost the plot?

 

Does anyone have insight into the mind of a serial cheater?

 

I just want to know how it can be fine to sleep with someone but want to marry another?

 

To love someone, but lie to them about something that you know will hurt them....maybe that's the answer. But why do it in the first place?

 

Our emotional bond is great. Maybe it is purely sexual?

 

Well, there's a happy note to end on. That'll fix my depression.

 

Thank you for reading.

[meandmyself]

I would like to make this easier but the facts that she already cheated on you and that she seems to have a different idea about commitment that you have... are at least very worrying... There are people who do not understand monogamy in the same terms that committed people understand them... once you know that the question is if you can live with this situation.. today is the mechanic guy but tomorrow will be someone else. As you say she probably loves you but she needs other kind of game to turn her on.

 

I personally could not live within a relationship where I feel I am the only one committed.

 

Regarding the fact that you are checking the txts of your gf I think is a normal thing since she already cheated on you once, actually a normal process after reconciliation of a couple is the full disclosure of the cheating party on what they do and they whereabouts...

[Sparta]

Dude I can not believe that you think that there is a chance that she cheated.!!!

Oh My God … If you marry this slut then I guess your ok with sharing your wife

with other men… If your cool with that then good luck… STD’s not knowing if your baby the list can go on… the best thing you could do end it … find someone that will treat you with love and respect….

[BetrayedH]

It's going to be hard for you to accept this but you need to kick her to the curb and tell her you don't want to speak to her until she's prepared to tell you the truth.

 

But the fact is that you should be done with her, period. You already know how painful cheating is. Now she's doing it again. I think people can make a one time mistake, change their ways, and be forgiven. That's no longer what you're dealing with. Since you're not married (and I don't think you said anything about children), your best bet is to run. And your only questions should be how far and how fast.

 

Sorry for what you're going thru. These people have so little understanding of how much they hurt us.

[meandmyself]

It's going to be hard for you to accept this but you need to kick her to the curb and tell her you don't want to speak to her until she's prepared to tell you the truth.

 

But the fact is that you should be done with her, period. You already know how painful cheating is. Now she's doing it again. I think people can make a one time mistake, change their ways, and be forgiven. That's no longer what you're dealing with. Since you're not married (and I don't think you said anything about children), your best bet is to run. And your only questions should be how far and how fast.

 

Sorry for what you're going thru. These people have so little understanding of how much they hurt us.

 

I fully agree with this statement, just to add that when you allow her to cheat on you again she will cheat on you your whole life... cheating is easier every time... she is already beyond recovery ... I am sorry for your lose!

[scatterd]

I feel for you. It sounds like she needs to ride her bike more. This guy and her are sharing more then interest in mechanics and bikes. She is infatuated with him because of their shared interest. Their day trip together is giving them more bonding time also and you should be included in this trip. In all honesty you deserve so

much better then this. If in fact she is cheating you

should reconsider Marrying her. If you still plan on

doing that Pre counseling could help you both.I wish

you the best.

[seibert253]

OP didn't like what he was told and has left the building.

Best of luck with your cheating GF mate.

[KrashDummy]

Thankyou all for your replies!

 

Needed some time to process a bit more. So bizarre, she doesn't see any prob with any off this!!!

 

There will be no marriage.

 

We are together for the moment. Because there is a thousand dollar deposit we will lose if we split at the moment so its convenient. We feel more like friends. We are in the process of a slow break-up.

I've told her my thoughts. She thinks im over thinking the whole thing. That ive blown it way out of proportion.

Swears there was nothing going on. Of-course. She stopped talking to the bloke completely. Which was good...but to late. She said she wont do anything to jeopardise us...to late.

I believe that she believes she wasn't doing anything wrong. Which is a prob in itself. It would happen again and again if we stayed together for this reason.

 

She grew up with her dad cheating on her mum. With her dad telling her its fine to cheat. That you live your life once and you shouldn't miss opportunities because you've been told its wrong...if it feels good, do it. Totally spun me out the first time he said it, very different to my family.

According to her dad, her mum was cheating on him aswell.

Needless to say her parents split a long time ago. Leaving them both bitter and blaming the other. With her mum continuously demonising her father. Leaving her trying to justify her parents actions. She blames her parents for the way she is. She is right. Great role models.

 

I told her that if we got married this would be our future. That she may not feel her actions are wrong, and thats alright for her, but its wrong by me. That she shouldn't ever get married unless she understands that if its wrong by her partners standards then it has to be wrong by her standards also or it wont work. That we will not be married for this reason. That anything she says from here wont change anything. She is who she is. I told her to really think about it, what she really wants, that its not me.

 

We are going on our annual holiday in a month.

This will be our last trip away together.

We will go our separate ways when we get back.

 

Trying to prepare for this.

 

Breakup advice? Should we stay completely out of each others lives? Friendship?

Neither of us has ill feelings towards the other...but I have a feeling it would make it a drawn out ordeal if we were to remain friends and prolong any pain that may be coming my way?

[BetrayedH]

It's difficult to detach. I would recommend limiting contact to only what is truly necessary to get separated so you aren't sucked back into a dysfunctional situation with her.

 

Kudos to you for having the courage to make a difficult and mature decision.