How I survived my breakup

[movingon12]

I'm just posting this because I've read so many sad messages from heartbroken people on this site, and maybe there's a chance this might help someone.

 

I separated and then divorced my cheating ex husband 5 years ago, after we had been together for 7 years. This is what I learnt in the process:

 

1) The fact that you miss your ex does not mean you belong together.

 

2) The fact that you really, really, REALLY miss your ex, even after after days/weeks/months of NC does not mean belong together.

 

3) The fact that you are still hurting/crying/stalking them on facebook months after you broke up DOES NOT MEAN YOU BELONG TOGETHER.

 

4) getting over your ex will take WAY WAY longer than you can imagine.

 

5) there is no such thing as closure. Understanding in great detail why they broke up with you will not help you. love is not logical, break ups are not logical, don't try to understand it, don't ask them to explain it: they don't want to be with you anymore, that's all you need to know.

 

6) block them on facebook and block their emails. There won't be an emergency that means you need to contact them and there won't be an emergency that means they need to contact you. And if, in some crazy moment they decide they desperately need to ask/tell you something, they will set up another account to get around the block. Blocking them sadly does not mean they cannot ever contact you again - but it will help you keep your sanity. Seeing photos of them looking happy won't make you feel better. Checking your email 23 times an hour in case they've emailed you won't make you happy.

 

7) delete their number from your phone and try to forget it. If it's possible, change your phone number. Leaping for your phone every time you hear a text beep will just drive you crazy.

 

8) Your ex will probably eventually try to contact you when they a) break up from their new partner(s) or b) are drunk. The fact that they might consider being with you when they've been dumped and/or are drunk does not mean you belong together. Don't reply.

 

9) Your ex will secretly want to be sure that you never completely get over them. They may try to keep you in their life, they may want to be 'friends'. Deep down, they don't want to be friends, they just want the reassurance that you will always be there to give them an ego boost when they need it. (Ok, if you only dated for a couple of weeks, maybe the 'lets be friends thing' might work, but if it was a real relationship, it won't.)

 

10) get a big calendar and a packet of gold star stickers. At the end of every day that you've not contacted your ex, put a gold star on your calendar. When you have 7 gold stars *in a row* do something really nice for yourself, and again when you have 14 in a row, and 30...

 

11) If they contact you. Don't reply. Ever. Instead, just imagine your ex sitting there waiting for your reply, wondering why you're not replying: have you forgotten them? have you...found someone better?? Not replying will drive them far, far more crazy than anything you could possibly think to write back.

 

12) Don't launch into another relationship straightaway. You need time. More than you'd think.

 

So that's what I did (though with many slip ups - especially with #11) . The first year after we broke up was absolute hell and I didn't know how I would get through it. At the beginning I did all the wrong things - including emailing my ex to tell him i was going to kill myself and it was all his fault (i know, i know, not my proudest moment), but I eventually pulled myself together and got over him. I'm now married to the most amazing man I've ever met, and frankly I'm mad at myself that I ever wasted a single tear on my ex.

 

You *will* meet a wonderful person who wants to be with you - but you won't meet them if your break up is your life.

[salmagundi]

excellent post, exactly what i needed to read this ****ty morning

[Own Worst Enemy]

"like" is not enough!

[Mrselfdestrukt]

Thank you for this - I am one of those 'very sad' people at the moment; and I do appear to need constant 'nudging'. It's so damned scary, this 40 year old me who still remembers the day we first got together when I was 17.

It's going to take a LONG time to recover - I know.

[soupergirl]

excellent post!

 

I know it's hard at first but time will pass and good things will come.

[Emmy86]

Your ex will secretly want to be sure that you never completely get over them. They may try to keep you in their life, they may want to be 'friends'. Deep down, they don't want to be friends, they just want the reassurance that you will always be there to give them an ego boost when they need it. (Ok, if you only dated for a couple of weeks, maybe the 'lets be friends thing' might work, but if it was a real relationship, it won't.)

 

 

My ex wants to be friends with me. We were together a year and I thought ( I still do) he was the love of my life. We still love each other, well he says he still loves me and has feelings there and would love to give friendship ago as we get on so well and he doesn't want to loose me.

Does he really want a friendship or is it all what you just said. I wouldn't have thought he would do such a thing and be so mean. I genuinely believe he wants a friendship or am I being a mug?

[movingon12]

Your ex will secretly want to be sure that you never completely get over them. They may try to keep you in their life, they may want to be 'friends'. Deep down, they don't want to be friends, they just want the reassurance that you will always be there to give them an ego boost when they need it. (Ok, if you only dated for a couple of weeks, maybe the 'lets be friends thing' might work, but if it was a real relationship, it won't.)

 

 

My ex wants to be friends with me. We were together a year and I thought ( I still do) he was the love of my life. We still love each other, well he says he still loves me and has feelings there and would love to give friendship ago as we get on so well and he doesn't want to loose me.

Does he really want a friendship or is it all what you just said. I wouldn't have thought he would do such a thing and be so mean. I genuinely believe he wants a friendship or am I being a mug?

 

I'm sure he's isn't trying to be mean, but he is being selfish (even if he doesn't think he is).

 

He wants you around because you're probably a nice person, and

a) he doesn't have to feel guilty about dumping you because 'you're friends', so that proves he's not a bad person

b) he gets to have the relationship he wantson his terms (not yours), he wants a friendship (I'm guessing you would rather get back together).

c) he gets to date other people whenever he wants without feeling guilty

d) he thinks being friends will be less hurtful for you than NC. But it's not.

 

How are you going to feel when he gets a serious new girlfriend? Either you'll have to spend time with the 3 of them, and it will kill you, or you will get quietly pushed out of the picture because it's too awkward having you around and/or the new gf doesn't like him being friends with you.

 

So, as I said, I don't think he's deliberately trying to hurt you, he's just trying to protect himself. But at this point, you should be trying to protect yourself. You need to decide what *you* want, and it's not 'friendship',

[LostOne1]

Your ex will secretly want to be sure that you never completely get over them. They may try to keep you in their life, they may want to be 'friends'. Deep down, they don't want to be friends, they just want the reassurance that you will always be there to give them an ego boost when they need it. (Ok, if you only dated for a couple of weeks, maybe the 'lets be friends thing' might work, but if it was a real relationship, it won't.)

 

 

My ex wants to be friends with me. We were together a year and I thought ( I still do) he was the love of my life. We still love each other, well he says he still loves me and has feelings there and would love to give friendship ago as we get on so well and he doesn't want to loose me.

Does he really want a friendship or is it all what you just said. I wouldn't have thought he would do such a thing and be so mean. I genuinely believe he wants a friendship or am I being a mug?

 

but are you okay being friends and seeing him date someone else in front of you?

 

TO me it would be tough, it's literally saying I want to show you I can do better and I will show you in your face.

 

I felt like my ex played me a bit too. She knew she had me while I chased her and she knew I was going to be there for her. Until I finally said no is when she chased for me. Sometimes people know the other will still be there, so it's like a safety net. When that safety net is gone.. then things chance.

 

If your okay with seeing your ex date others, then go with being friends. But I think for most people it's too hard to see so they rather distance themselves.

[Emmy86]

Up until recently I did want him back, I begged and wouldnt stop going over and over why he ended it with me and I was getting pathetic. I know even if he wanted to try again we couldnt, things would never be the same and its too late.

I would be devastated when he finds someone else and I would rather not know.

I know that while he's still in my life, I cannot move on and have someone new in my life.

He's been out alot lately and I find myself still asking him where he's been and who he's with, I need to stop. He knows this aswell, he knows I still care.

Like the last time we had the conversation and I basically asked for another chance and he turned me down, I said thats it, I wont be asking anymore and he said 'until the next time' He expects me to beg him again in the future and ask again. He thinks I cant keep away and do the whole NC thing which is making me want to do it more and prove him wrong. Maybe in time he'll realise what he's lost.

I do need to concentrate on myself, Im having a hard time with other personal problems as it is and this is only adding to it. He knows this aswell.

Thanks for you thoughts!

[movingon12]

NC is hard, but you're right, it's absolutely what you need to do so you can move on with your life.

 

Good luck!

[melenkurion]

Brilliant post, movingon12.

 

I am very happy things worked out well for you.

[klost]

n boyfriendof three years broke up almost two months ago. Our relationship wasgreat minus the arguments,miscommunication and etc. We had been having problems and I met someone else due to he fact that my boyfriend was wishy washy towards me moving in and out. Back and forth. And he hated my insecurities and not trusting him. Well the grass isn't greener or me. Andgplus I just wanted my ex tofight for me as I had fought and begged for him not to leave and to return. Well thy never happened. He said he doesn't chase.well we been broke up almost two months he called numerous times crying but later disappeared. Back and forth. But never asked me back. Just that he missed me.recently he met a 19year old. Hes29. They met on chatline. They've been having unprotected sex for a week and now he says after knowing her for one week!!! that he loves her. That he's happy. And she doesn't accuse him. I love and miss this guy and I can't understand why he's being this way. The day before he was just saying he miss me.and thisgirl is best friends with an enemy of mines and he knows this. Does he really love her?? Why isheso angry with me when I just want to love him.he seems so jealous over her and never was with me.not really. How can one day he miss me and the next love a stranger? What should I do...??is he really in love after one wweek.

[klost]

Me and my living on boyfriend of three ears broke up.things were great minus the arguments,miscommunication and etc. We had been having problems and I met someone else due to he fact that my boyfriend was wishy washy towards me moving in and out. Back and forth. And he hated my insecurities and not trusting him. Well the grass isn't greener or me. Andgplus I just wanted my ex tofight for me as I had fought and begged for him not to leave and to return. Well thy never happened. He said he doesn't chase.well we been broke up almost two months he called numerous times crying but later disappeared. Back and forth. But never asked me back. Just that he missed me.recently he met a 19year old. Hes29. They met on chatline. They've been having unprotected sex for a week and now he says after knowing her for one week!!! that he loves her. That he's happy. And she doesn't accuse him. I love andki miss this guy and I can't understand why he's being this way. The day before he was just saying he miss me.and thisgirl is best friends with an enemy of mines and he knows this. Does he really love her?? Why isheso angry with me when I just want to love him.he seems so jealous over her and never was with me.not really. How can one day he miss me and the next love a stranger? What should I do...??is he really in love after one wweek.

[sirelove]

you are soooooooo smart!@!!!!!!!!i wish i would have read this a year ago!

[ej427]

idk, sounds risky. NC isn't for every relationship. It backfired in mine.

[movingon12]

idk, sounds risky. NC isn't for every relationship. It backfired in mine.

 

I'm curious: how did it backfire?

[LostOne1]

I'm curious: how did it backfire?

 

It can.. I was scared to use it too.

 

My ex thought I was ignoring her, which is why she BU up with me.

 

I think it may backfire, because NC might mean you don't want to communicate with her.. that is if she left you because the main problem was communication on the dumpee's end. I could see how it backfires, because it would seem as the dumper BU with the dumpee and the dumpee doesn't care since they go NC. So the dumper things fine.. that person didn't care and communicate with me before.. this changes nothing and shows the person didn;t care then and doesn't care now.

 

Or at least that's how I see it.. but I could be wrong too.

[plee61]

Thanks MovingOn12, your post is what i needed to read.

 

NC is the best "weapon" to respond to a breakup.

He is too dumb to needing a breakup, never think yourself as being "dumped".

 

Sometimes I still sit around holding the hope of thread. Yes, it will take a long time to turn around and see that "we do not belong together anymore".

 

I keep my head up with NC. Fight with me!

[movingon12]

It can.. I was scared to use it too.

 

My ex thought I was ignoring her, which is why she BU up with me.

 

I think it may backfire, because NC might mean you don't want to communicate with her.. that is if she left you because the main problem was communication on the dumpee's end. I could see how it backfires, because it would seem as the dumper BU with the dumpee and the dumpee doesn't care since they go NC. So the dumper things fine.. that person didn't care and communicate with me before.. this changes nothing and shows the person didn;t care then and doesn't care now.

 

Or at least that's how I see it.. but I could be wrong too.

 

I see, I guess my post was more about helping the dumpee get over being dumped, rather than how to encourage the dumper to reconcile.

 

But I would assume if the fundamental problem in the relationship is that the dumpee won't/can't communicate well with the dumper, this has been an issue for a while. And the dumpee knows this is the problem. I would hope that no one would break up with someone about an issue like this without giving them a few chances to change first.

 

But if they can't/won't change, the relationship isn't going to work, and everyone just needs to move on and find people they are a better fit with. And moving on is almost impossible when you're still wondering if there's a chance you might get back together with your ex.

[plee61]

Just read your message LostOne1.

 

Do you mean that NC does not give BU a second chance?

The poor dumper has to go because the dumpee NC?

 

NC is the best "weapon" to respond to a breakup, it is not a cruelty to the dumper.

NC is a silence to show your strength that your are not being "dumped".

 

You might sit around holding the hope of thread when you are on NC. Yes, it will take a long time to turn around and see that "we do not belong together anymore".

[LostOne1]

I see, I guess my post was more about helping the dumpee get over being dumped, rather than how to encourage the dumper to reconcile.

 

But I would assume if the fundamental problem in the relationship is that the dumpee won't/can't communicate well with the dumper, this has been an issue for a while. And the dumpee knows this is the problem. I would hope that no one would break up with someone about an issue like this without giving them a few chances to change first.

 

But if they can't/won't change, the relationship isn't going to work, and everyone just needs to move on and find people they are a better fit with. And moving on is almost impossible when you're still wondering if there's a chance you might get back together with your ex.

 

Well loss of communication happened in my place. My ex went away for 2 months to another city 4 hrs away for work experience. one month Prior to this I just had lost my grandma from a stroke. So I was upset and I was very unhealthy and sick from exposure to toxic mold and I even had to drop out of school while she was on her trip.

 

I had family visiting from england and well I had to spend time with them even though I was sick. When I went to england on vacation they showed me around and took me into their home for the break. So I couldn't just be an assole and ignore them. My ex thought I was having fun with them and didn;t give a crap about her, which was so untrue. I admit out communication fell abit than usual.

 

On top of that there was a few roomates she had and one guy she didn;t like at all ended up being good friends with her. He always cooked for her and took her on drives and took her places etc.. In some sense he replaced me there. That might be part of the reason why she BU with me or wanted space. So the last few weeks she could spend with this guy and see how it feels.

 

Either way it's touhg that she did this too me. Her grandma passed away last year, I could've been as assole and dumped her. But I was there for her and now when I needed her.. she just leaves me to die.

 

I messed up by chasing her I agree with plea61.. I should've given her complete NC and told her I accept the break up and let her be. It would have made her feel like crap over time and I know at some point she would have regretted leaving me for someone else or for a stupid reason. oh well.....

[movingon12]

I'm sorry, that sounds rough.

[Charmy]

I read your post last night, I remembered what you said and guess what, I was searching for it and now I am going to print it and stick it on my wall in big caracters too! I am not divorced, never been married and only in a relationship for 9 months or so and freshly dissapointed by a break-up. Thanks for your wisdom!

[brakco]

this is a FANTASTIC post and SO. VERY. TRUE.

[plee61]

LostOne1, I am sorry to hear your BU