I need guidance, just broke up

[onavap]

Okay so me and my ex broke up about a week and a couple days ago about 4 days after our one year anniversary and we haven't said one word to eachother since, except for me texting him desperately trying to get him back the day after i broke up with him, yes i broke up with him, not because i truly wanted it, but because i was really frustrated because of his anger and jealousy problems ive been dealing with lately. I'm gay btw, please don't let that affect any of this

 

So i woke up really depressed and basically begged for him back, and he said that he made the decision that we shouldn't get back together so he can "find himself" and not be weak and vulnerable. He didn't think getting back together was a good idea and thinks this is for the best, so we left it at that.

 

I've been faithful to the NC rule. About two days after the breakup, i tweeted to get his attention "Maybe going to school in north carolina next year!" and he texted me that night saying "How are you going to school in nc next year?" and i didnt respond, hoping he would text me again and wonder why i didnt respond, but i got nothing, and we haven't spoken in a week and a few days. are we both just being stubborn? We love eachother so much and this has been really hard on me, but doesn't seem like it for him. He's been posting things on twitter and instagram as if nothing ever happened. I've kind of been doing the same, but he knows how desperate i am so do you think he's just playing a game with me and he's just having me dangle in pain and he knows he can have me back whenever he wants? ..or is he actually doing fine after the breakup? It's just crazy how two people who shared the most amazing memories and times together can now be complete strangers to one another, its driving me absolutely insane. i know he feels the same way, so how can it all just turn to dust?

 

He comes home from college (which is like 35 min away) wednesday for a little thanksgiving break so i'm hoping he texts me then after being home and having some time to himself. how should i be handling this? should i text him if he doesn't text me while he's home? or should i just never text him and accept this? any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thank you in advance

[Exit]

Sounds to me like the problem here is that YOU like playing a lot of games.

 

"I broke up with him because I was frustrated about anger and jealousy problems, but I didn't really want to break up". The mature thing to do would have been to communicate honestly and address the anger and jealousy problems, the things you were actually upset about. You only break up with someone when you actually want to break up with them. Threatening to end a relationship in an attempt to gain leverage about other issues or disagreements is completely the wrong way to go about it and runs the risk of totally backfiring and creating what you DIDN'T want to happen -- which is exactly what happened to you.

 

Then you go on to say you're tweeting things that may or may not be true, again doing things to get a reaction out of him. Rather than tweeting something honest like "I think I just made a huge mistake and lost someone I care about", you instead chose more game-playing to make it sound like you were thinking about leaving the area for a new school.

 

He says he wants to be apart to find himself and frankly it sounds like you could use a bit of that for yourself as well. You have a very unhealthy way of dealing with things. This is of course only my opinion based on a few paragraphs of your life story, so I can only give you my first impression. You got dumped because you broke up with someone thinking it would get you what you wanted and motivate the person to change. It doesn't work that way.

 

If you want to hope that he texts you while he is home for the holiday, go ahead and hope. Should you text him if he doesn't text you? No. Absolutely not. He already gave you his answer that he thinks this is for the best, so if you don't see any sign of him changing his mind and reaching out to you, you have no reason to approach him about it again. If you already "basically begged" for him to come back, then he knows what you want, you don't need to tell him again. Show him you respect his wishes that he thinks this is for the best by leaving him alone.

 

And my advice would be to take a break from dating completely until you learn not to use these unfair tactics in relationships and instead figure out how to just tell someone what is really on your mind without playing games. You thought you had enough power in this relationship to threaten that you wanted to break up and expected that the other person would freak out and beg you to tell them what they could change to keep you around. Instead, you got the unpleasant surprise that the person said "yeah, this is probably for the best".

Edited November 20, 2012 by Exit

[onavap]

I completely understand what your saying, and your absolutely right.

 

but there's more to it, in a sense that we have done this a few times before where we "breakup" with eachother to get a reaction out of one another. we've been working on it but this time i suppose is the final straw.

 

and the twitter thing, i know i shouldn't have done that, but it was just a spur of the moment thing i acted on because i craved attention from him. we're both guilty of doing things like this and immature things to "make eachother jealous" but it's hard to help myself sometimes and i want him to see what his life would be like without me. i just can't be without him.

 

i now see that contacting him will make me seem desperate and psychotic and will only push him away more, so i'm doing NC hoping that something happens between us

[onavap]

he cant just throw it all away

[veggirl]

breaking up to get reactions out of each other?

anger problems and jealousy?

cryptic tweets for attention?

 

this whole thing is a trainwreck. If you didn't want to break up, you shouldn't have done it. You did do it, and it sounds justified (anger probs and jealousy...whats that about anyway?) so now you need to at least TRY to heal. you need to delete him off twitter and instagram and whatever else.

 

If you think you guys can get back together and have a healthy, mature relationship that does not involve all the things you listed about it then you need to do the mature, adult thing and be straight forward with him about what you want. and then it is up to him to forgive you or not.

 

stop with the 9th grade games though, that isn't a cute look on anyone and at some point you need to transition from high school games to adult relationship, until you do NONE of your relationships will be successful.

[ccxc910]

He's probably having just as hard a time as you are right now.

He loves you but he's right he does need to find himself if he is having bad jealousy problems.

He is also posting stuff on twitter and such to look fine in front of you. Just like you are doing.

 

Maybe suggest one last time in person or over the phone to cut the crap and try your relationship again in a month. Or set a timeline. Or agree to some changes in your relationship. If he doesn't agree to even meet you or try the relationship again it looks like it is over I am sorry. But you can leave the relationship knowing you really gave it a good try.

[onavap]

But should i still keep waiting alittle bit more to see if he'll text me? He's home for thanksgiving break and i know he'll be thinking of all our memories at home and he doesn't have many friends around at home so I'm hoping (but not expecting) for him to text me during his time home :/ like when should i text/call him?

 

& i know all of that stuff is unhealthy, I just couldn't help it, I never dealt with a serious breakup before and I didn't know exactly how to handle it. You live and learn.

[onavap]

he actually just texted me lol he was like "hey are you home i want to come get some things"

 

my friend and mom said to not respond and give him a taste of what he did to me, what do you guys think i should do? should i wait a couple days?