Nik1234 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I am normally not the type to come to an online forum for advice, but I need unbiased, tough love advice. The bf and I have been together for a little over 8 years, starting when we were young (in college). We are both in our mid to late 20s and have been living together for over half of our relationship. The marriage issue first came up early on but he wanted to live together first. His job had taken him to another state so I gave up mine (his had no flexibility and his income was significantly more) and moved to him with the expectation that marriage was coming. Every year from then on we would discuss marriage, where we were going, was it going to happen etc. He pretty much always says the same thing--I want a future with you, I don't want anyone else, I'm happy with you and how things are, I'm just not ready for marriage yet. When we were younger I was able to justify it, but I've moved several times, sacrificed location, career, financial stability and more for this relationship and am at my limit. We see eye to eye on pretty much everything--finances, politics, religion, how/where to live, family, independence/friends/going out, etc. Our only conflict centers around petty stuff that's a non-issue or the marriage issue. I love him with all my heart and can see us being very happy if only this were resolved. It is so hard to feel like you are with the right person, but they just can't see it. The only issue I see would be our sex life which has struggled in recent months (as the marriage issue has grown)....it's a big deal to him and was never an issue until the marriage issue grew, but they kind of feed off one another. He doesn't want to marry (at least I imagine) when the sex life is less than spectacular, but I can't let go of my frustration to have the sex life he wants in the meantime (complete catch-22). It's especially hard with the holidays coming up (we are both from separate states and divide the holidays up)--I would rather not miss out on time with my family if we aren't going to work things out and I would also rather not put his family through more if I don't need to (we are all very close--they pretty much have the wedding planned, consider me their daughter, and we are all attached--I don't want to hurt them if I know the relationship is struggling). I just don't know what to do. The more I press the less he will want to and I don't want to give ultimatums (though it may be too late as I'm sure he feels it's already hit that point), but I also want an answer/clear direction so I can move on and/or know which direction my life will go. I'm restless, frustrated, resentful, hurt, confused and more...I just don't know what to do... Just in case it helps for advice-- -my "clock" is not an issue (kids are not an issue for me--he wants them more/sooner than I do) -we are financially stable -I do not need/nor want a ring and am completely flexible on the wedding--I'd elope if he would, the only thing that matters to me is the marriage itself and statement of commitment
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I don't mean to use you as an example, but I kinda will for the sake of the community and it's readers. Because there are women out there that believe that promises or serious "conversations" will safe-guard some kind of guarantee or at least promise to a long lasting and certain commitment such as marriage, which to me signifies the most serious of commitments. However that is not necessarily true with all men and there is always much more than mere words and conversation, some men will say what they've got to say now yet change their minds later, and the future may be far off and not so certain as you thought it may have been when that bridge comes to being crossed. Now as far as my advice and to address your situation, I don't want you to give you the impression that everything is entirely negative, however you're definitely at a cross-words and it would be incompetent not to address certain questions within your relationship. Over the course of 8 years there must have been some conversation about what his fears are in terms of becoming married...what he may lose, what he feels mostly vulnerable about, what changes concerns him...which getting a sense through your post does relate to your sex life. The funny thing is I have always had the same fear in the past, I've met so many married men that essentially lost their sex lives and told me never to get married unless I absolutely have to, that I have to admit it's made me gulp at the realization that my sex life and all that intimacy and passion in my life may be just a facade perpetuated by a woman to coax you into a life-long commitment where once committed will be much more difficult than just a relationship and now it's all her world. I never attributed it to the woman's fault alone, I feel it takes two people to have a relationship not just one, and nobody holds a gun to your head. However on the same hand, when you're obligated, married, have bills, family involved especially kids, the stakes get much higher and I can understand how men feel obligated and committed maybe not to the woman but at least to fulfilling their...what they feel is man obligation to it, because it's the "right thing to do". And I also hear this issue arise in terms of sex with men, a lot more than I do with women, so it makes me wonder if the intimacy is what breaks down or the trust, or is it the communication or just the failure of the relationship to evolve as a couple that halted it's progress somewhere in the past, I'm sure it's a combination of a lot of things. Now I'm not covering issues that women face in which they do, I've known many unhappily married women or divorced women that seemed for the most part to be very good women and it sounds like they just married a jerk who completely took advantage of them and expected to give nothing in return but demanded everything and complete control, however I'm addressing men here because these can be your guys fears and his point of view. So in this case I don't believe that he does not want to marry you, at least from the sound of it. However what really matters is what his hangups are. You really need a mediator or you need to be communicate and be able to have a long, in-depth conversation about his fears, issues, concerns if you're ever going to get anywhere. You need to find out how he really feels at this point, and he definitely owes you that much, and tell him that. Tell him that you invested 8 years of life, changed, moved it around likes pieces of a puzzle because you felt this was going to lead to something committed and life-long, that is a goal you had in mind. Also express to him how you feel, what you're thinking, tell him how what sacrifices you've made for him...not to guilt or obligate him but to keep this relationship together and make sacrifices for both of you, not just him, for a potential and real life together. Tell him that you really need some clear answers, and you need him to be really honest and open with what he intends and how he feels, about everything, and if he doesn't know he needs to dig deep and give you an explanation....but make sure to press him for answers there, just take a different strategy than the past because he already knows this one. So tell him you'd really like to talk about these things, because they are important to you and something you are very emotional about and it's very important for your peace of mind and your relationship with him, including your sex life and everything else, because you cannot go forward without knowing where things will lead because there's an emotional block, and fear that he's just wasting your time, and that you think waiting 8 years has been enough for him to think things through and decide what he really wants and how he really feels. Honestly Nik1234, you're going to get a lot of the answers by the way he acts and how he answers your questions. You need to just be really honest and straight-forward with yourself and tell yourself that you need to listen to your heart and gut, and accept the truth, not just some wishful thinking or hopeful idealistic fantasy of what could be, and all this "potential"...potential is just ***** that hasn't happened yet or hasn't been done, it counts for nothing if not used. I know you'll need a really clear gut wrenching truthful verdict to ultimately walk away, I know you need to hear it if that is the case but before you go that route listen to what he has to stay and really set up a time and place where he doesn't feel trapped or pressured...let him know about when you want to talk about this, and let him prepare for it mentally and he needs to agree and if he loves he should. And if he doesn't get that this is serious then do something that makes him realize that this needs to be addressed, you're not playing around or moving forward until you get some answers, whether that's not going out with him anymore or decreasing your interaction, just tell him why you're doing it, and it's no secret...you get the gist of it, I don't know if you'll even have to go that far but I'm just saying in case. This guy may not want to ever get married, he may have a unrelenting fear of it or what not, you need to find out and understand it entirely, stop putting it on the back-burner and wishing it'll go away next year, it's already been 8 years...if he's not ready find out why, you owe that to yourself for everything you've done for this guy, and he owes you all the honesty in the world, so don't back down when the going gets tough. Then you need to decide what you want to do, and what you are capable of. But you need to draw a line for yourself of what you can take and what you're willing to accept out of a relationship, maybe he'll say in two years, but tell him then you want to be at least engaged or what not, it's up to you and how you feel about it...is that worth it to you or not? this is not about him forcing himself to get married and you forcing him into it, it's about coming to a compromise and figuring out the real issue here, no matter how hurtful that may be or what you don't want to hear...maybe he even needs to work on himself when it comes to this, maybe he has some deeper issues that have nothing to do with you, he's got to address them because nothing will change if it just stays the same, somebodies hoping that it magically does though right now. Communication in relationships is what it always comes down to, if you can't talk to your partner, you'll never get over that lump in your chest about something, it doesn't just go away.
Author Nik1234 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 (edited) Ninja--thank you so much for you post, it was very insightful. I'll try to address everything so here it goes-- I do not know what his issues with marriage are. He wants kids but refuses to have them without being married (I am more flexible on this, I think marriage is least important while a stable relationship, finances etc are more important). Thus, marriage is clearly important to him. We were just at a wedding recently when he went over everything he would do differently, how there are certain things you should always do (he's not religious, but traditional) and pretty much talked about how ours should go. I know sex is a big factor for him and it has been up and down but I dont know how to fix it when the marriage issue looms. I want to let it go, but I can't. It's so hard to have passionate, true love when you are thinking in the back of your mind that any day the relationship may end. The only other issues I could think about would maybe be his overall outlook on marriage (he has a negative view--kind of like your life/fun ends when you get married). But I'm very independent, never get in the way of his boy's trips, have my own life etc so I don't see how that would change with marriage. Perhaps finances are an issue (he has a rare career that makes more money than I could ever hope to so I've followed his job and a pre-nup would factor in, though I've never hesitated at that and I knew him years before this). Other than that I really cannot think of anything. We tried couples therapy a few years back to no avail and I've had so many talks with him asking for him to just open up and tell me if there is something I need to change/fix/work on etc. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not the right person for him and he doesn't want to hurt me? Or maybe he's just scared? It's put such tension between us and we are barely speaking---I just don't know what to do anymore. I cannot keep going like this but I don't know if I can abandon 8 years without giving every last bit of effort. I just want to know I've done absolutely everything I could so I don't have any regrets. But at the same time I don't want to be a fool, wasting my time on a man who has no intention of committing to me. I probably didn't clear anything up, so let me know if there are more questions. Clearly I need more advice... ETA- How can I approach this differently? I feel it's been beaten to death and I know any time it's brought up he just clams up (I can't blame him for that). But frankly, I want answers and I am not sure I"m willing to wait much longer for them. I don't want to corner him and I want to approach it differently, but how can I do it without making him feel cornered but still get answers I need? It's so hard because I do not doubt that he wants to marry me and wants to be with me, I just question how long I can wait. Is it fair to put the person you love through this (on both sides)? At what point do you compromise? But can you compromise something like this? Do we just chalk it up to bad timing? I just don't know anything anymore... Edited November 20, 2012 by Nik1234
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Ninja--thank you so much for you post, it was very insightful. I'll try to address everything so here it goes-- I do not know what his issues with marriage are. He wants kids but refuses to have them without being married (I am more flexible on this, I think marriage is least important while a stable relationship, finances etc are more important). Thus, marriage is clearly important to him. We were just at a wedding recently when he went over everything he would do differently, how there are certain things you should always do (he's not religious, but traditional) and pretty much talked about how ours should go. I know sex is a big factor for him and it has been up and down but I dont know how to fix it when the marriage issue looms. I want to let it go, but I can't. It's so hard to have passionate, true love when you are thinking in the back of your mind that any day the relationship may end. The only other issues I could think about would maybe be his overall outlook on marriage (he has a negative view--kind of like your life/fun ends when you get married). But I'm very independent, never get in the way of his boy's trips, have my own life etc so I don't see how that would change with marriage. Perhaps finances are an issue (he has a rare career that makes more money than I could ever hope to so I've followed his job and a pre-nup would factor in, though I've never hesitated at that and I knew him years before this). Other than that I really cannot think of anything. We tried couples therapy a few years back to no avail and I've had so many talks with him asking for him to just open up and tell me if there is something I need to change/fix/work on etc. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not the right person for him and he doesn't want to hurt me? Or maybe he's just scared? It's put such tension between us and we are barely speaking---I just don't know what to do anymore. I cannot keep going like this but I don't know if I can abandon 8 years without giving every last bit of effort. I just want to know I've done absolutely everything I could so I don't have any regrets. But at the same time I don't want to be a fool, wasting my time on a man who has no intention of committing to me. I probably didn't clear anything up, so let me know if there are more questions. Clearly I need more advice... ETA- How can I approach this differently? I feel it's been beaten to death and I know any time it's brought up he just clams up (I can't blame him for that). But frankly, I want answers and I am not sure I"m willing to wait much longer for them. I don't want to corner him and I want to approach it differently, but how can I do it without making him feel cornered but still get answers I need? It's so hard because I do not doubt that he wants to marry me and wants to be with me, I just question how long I can wait. Is it fair to put the person you love through this (on both sides)? At what point do you compromise? But can you compromise something like this? Do we just chalk it up to bad timing? I just don't know anything anymore... After 8 years you should know much more about his marriage issues/hangups and have communicated more in depth in regards to this issues...although I realize a lot of women just want to hope everything is going to work out in due time, however it's not the strategy to use if you want to be self-aware of what you're actually dealing with here. It sounds to me like he's using marriage as a buffer, and even scapegoat to avoid any serious commitments, so he does sound like someone with commitment issues/trauma that have caused him to view this as a dead end really. Another thing is don't take what he said about that other wedding personally, guys say things like that out of critique and being analytical...he was merely more likely pointing out mistakes and what he felt was wrong because he thinks he can do better or have a better wedding than that hypothetically speaking, but that's one of many things that women interpret as much more when in actuality it came from some place entirely objective, or at the very least could have...don't wait for signs, clues, hints, etc to base big decisions and hopes off of, you need real communication and openness in your relationship, which for 8 years your relationship seems to very much lack on what I'd consider reasonable, you should have been able to talk about all of this at year 4, and a lot of these things should have been addressed even by then, it doesn't take this long to get over hurdles if you're going to get over them...he's biding his time and extending the period of commitment until the very last moment and even then he might falter through if his issues are too overwhelming in why he doesn't want to get married, I'm sure he has some number in his head...maybe he even thought he'd marry you at year 4 in the beginning, but year after year he probably delays the date because he's still finding himself unsure and unready to take that big leap and he'll never be satisfied because it has nothing to do with you, it's about him and he feels....his fears. "It's put such tension between us and we are barely speaking---I just don't know what to do anymore. I cannot keep going like this but I don't know if I can abandon 8 years without giving every last bit of effort. I just want to know I've done absolutely everything I could so I don't have any regrets. But at the same time I don't want to be a fool, wasting my time on a man who has no intention of committing to me." From this statement I think you're going to be wasting your time, I mean I've already felt that way in a lot of ways...you keep saying that he wants to be with you and get married, have kids, but personally from a mans point of view I don't see that happening naturally for him, I see him still struggling with the same issues and fears and you're getting no closer, the point is coming down to whether he feels he has to marry you in order to give this a "chance"...I know that sounds like a good idea because in a way you'll get what you want and you think maybe everything will work out fine, but it's only going to get worse, relationships don't just improve or magically get better just because you marry someone, it takes both people working through these things and right now you see to have issues getting on the same page with some crucially deciding in whether you may continue further with this relationship. I know you want to give this everything you want, because you invested 8 years of your life...but please try and consider that these years didn't guarantee anything, time alone does not determine the value or significance of a relationship, don't get caught up in that typical mindset where you feel like you should fight tooth and nail before you give up and so you can leave satisfied, I know in theory that sounds like a great idea but you have to remember one massively important thing that people with that mindset always forget...what about what the other person wants? isn't it about what you both want? and if so do you really have to "fight" for that? should you? and if you prevail what did you win? a man who's thrown in the towel under your relentless pursuit and persistence towards getting married? You know what's going to happen if you force this guy to get married? he's going to eventually resent you in the future, because he would have felt pressured and cornered into an ultimatum of having to marry you, although not being ready he still forged ahead yet emotionally and internally he never really dealt with those issues...therefore you're basically the grim reaper, sucking his life away from him and making him do things he never wanted to do because you expected it...is that the way you want things to end up? is that what love is to you and many other women on the same path? So you can't really force something to happen, you can merely bring up your concerns, communicate, feel understand, respected and appreciated regardless of this taking time for him to reach that marriage proposal. But he has to most importantly be willing to do that, work on the issues and feel motivated and that desire to put in that effort, he can't just simply say well things will change in the future, because If I know anything about men they don't, they just procrastinate until the last second and they didn't even make any effort towards their goal in that regard...maybe in their careers and other ambitions, but when it comes to relationships, men can become all too comfortable and complacent in terms of progression. If you're having difficulty talking to him, which it seems you do about this, then write him a letter or send him an email and ask him to read it. He will have a much easier time reading it and listening to you because at this point he's already conditioned to this conversation and how it will go, then it gets heated or emotional and both people start to shut down. So you must communicate with him through means he is actually willing to listen, and then ask him to get back to you in the same manner. If he's non-compliant and doesn't want to try then he's essentially telling you in my opinion that you're not worth the time investment or hassle, that he just wants things to simply continue as they are and he wants to be able to decide when he feels ready to settle down, regardless of how you feel and what you want. Some women can take that, others cannot...not sure which one you exactly are, but since you waited around for 8 years, I can't say I feel very confident you are going to walk away...you'll probably just deal with it, and if you do then you essentially hold yourself in contempt, because you're not going to get anywhere further with him by asking him, if anything he'll just feel forced and resistant and use it as an excuse not to marry you because he doesn't want to feel pushed into it. So hate to say it, but you might as well just sit down and shut up, and give him what he wants if this is the sacrifice you're willing to make, in the end your bickering and complaints will just be ignored anyway, you'll be more nagging and irritating than anything and he'll just start telling you he feels like he's married already anyway and why would want to marry someone that is unhappy and doesn't give him full time sex, yadda yadda yadda. You might not be the person for him or you might be just at the wrong time, he definitely sounds scared however and will likely have a fear of commitment with anyone. Or maybe you'd break up, he'd reflect back on the relationship, realize he ruined it and caused a lot of problems, find a new woman and give her everything you always asked for because he realized he screwed up. And mainly because he wanted kids and a family, and all that work you put in, all that effort and sacrifice will have granted you nothing, because in the end this new girl will just think you were the head case because he'll tell her everything you did wrong, and she'll believe it and accept it and like every other woman think she's different and special and that's why she got the whole shebang, without even having to work for it. That's how these things work out, fighting for relationships IMO is pretty pointless if both people don't desire the same things and aren't invested in the same future, a lot of times people are just trying to fit a round peg into a square whole...but they had to "give it everything they had" before they accepted it was never going to happen. You're at that crossroad, 8 years is a long time, you don't have time to waste imo not that you should be in a hurry, but you should put all your cards on the table, and talk this out fully, because god, 8 years and you're still waiting for this guy to marry you? I'm betting you wouldn't be willing to do that again the next time around. If you both didn't care about marriage that'd be one thing, but clearly there is a huge issue here.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 ETA- How can I approach this differently? I feel it's been beaten to death and I know any time it's brought up he just clams up (I can't blame him for that). But frankly, I want answers and I am not sure I"m willing to wait much longer for them. I don't want to corner him and I want to approach it differently, but how can I do it without making him feel cornered but still get answers I need? It's so hard because I do not doubt that he wants to marry me and wants to be with me, I just question how long I can wait. Is it fair to put the person you love through this (on both sides)? At what point do you compromise? But can you compromise something like this? Do we just chalk it up to bad timing? I just don't know anything anymore... Your head is spinning here a bit so let me make it much more simpler and clear as well... How can I approach this differently? Get a therapist or mediator, someone who can play as the middle man and get you both to express yourself without having to fight or disregard one other. Or alternatively write him a letter expressing how you feel and your concerns, or email and have him read it while he is calm and out of the battle so to speak, not during, after, or before an argument. Ask him to write you back how he feels, but try not to ask him any questions with the initial letter other than rhetorical...questions that you ask yourself. how can I do it without making him feel cornered but still get answers I need? With hold emotional outbursts or impulsive reactions, men shut down when they feel women are becoming emotional and one-tracked in their mindset. Always practice self-control and patience, it's like a kid that did something wrong but you can't go in there screaming at him because it'll just make him be quite, you need to find out what went wrong and why, so you need to resist that impulse to react. Once men feel the waters are calm and relaxed then they can open up, they feel like they'll be heard...when you snap at them they'll just shut down and become defensive. So see what happens after the letter...I've already decided you're doing the letter, so do it. It's so hard because I do not doubt that he wants to marry me and wants to be with me, I just question how long I can wait. Is it fair to put the person you love through this (on both sides)? Words come cheap, but you seem confident in his convictions of wanting to marry you. This is why it's important for you to sync up your understanding and perspectives of marriage and find out what it both entails to both of you and what his concerns on, this may have an impact on your perspective. As far as timeline, I doubt that's something you can realistically force without an ultimatum, what you're really establishing however is not when he will marry you but that he truly intends to and if he thinks you are the one so to speak and what is causing his resistance and are they things you can work on and through together. Fair is slippery slope in relationships because it depends what each other person wants not what they are entitled to necessarily however reciprocating and mutual actions are required, and IMO he doesn't seem as invested as you are, you seem to be carrying this relationship on your back form what you've told me, and you have extended yourself much farther than he's had to it seems so I don't see where you notice his investment being equal thus far. At what point do you compromise? But can you compromise something like this? Do we just chalk it up to bad timing? You compromise when you can both reach a mutual understanding and satisfactory outcome to where the relationship is going and whether the pace is set where both people are happy with it. When one person is getting their way while the other makes many of the sacrifices then that's not acceptable, you decide emotionally where you can meet a compromise. You can't compromise certain things no, that's why they're called "incompatibilities", the problem is everyone thinks that everything is achievable through some kind of hard work and dedication, but that's not the case, you can force something all you want but it won't feel right if it doesn't fit together, at that point you either accept the reality and move on or decide it's not something you can accept...you cannot continue to expect to change a person, they have to feel a certain way themselves, it's just about you, or you trying to change yourself for them, that's ridiculously stupid and you won't be happy with the relationship or yourself in the end. Bad timing is something that happens often, sometimes unfortunately people need these trial relationships, these tests and long-winded relationships where they experienced ups and downs, realized what they wanted and needed, what is more important and what isn't...because people go into relationships thinking its simple and all about love and everything will just work itself out...what people learn is just because you love someone, doesn't mean you're meant to be with them forever. Sometimes it's just not the right fit, even though you still love that person and maybe always will.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I was 28 when I began dating my ex-fiance. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman. But I found myself divided, half of me wanted to marry her, settle down and start a family, while the other half of me did not want to ever marry, and if I did it would not be until my 30's I wanted kids, but at the sametime, that was a commitment for the rest of my life, and 20 years supporting them. There was also this thought You get married, You have kids, You get old and then you die Just maybe if I didn't get married, then I wouldn't get old and then I wouldn't die
newmoon Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 just my two cents ... you have already waited too long for this guy to step and make a more serious commitment. if marriage doesn't come relatively soon after moving in together, it rarely comes easily... just my opinion. you are entitled to ask, to know, and to move on and to give an ultimatum. lay it out there, exactly what you want and if he doesn't step up, or hestitates, you have your answer. ask clearly for what you want, and if it's marriage say it loud and clear with no chance for misunderstanding, and give a date too, like ... by june 2013 i want to be married. my advice for the holidays would be to go and see you family for the holidays and let him go see his. then, you won't resent him if it doesn't happen to go farther because you've spent time with your relatives. plus, it'll give you both some away time. and, perhaps during that away time you will find your answer(s).
Author Nik1234 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Thank you all for your advice--it's been helpful. We talked and made progress. I was clear that I'm leaving and that was that. He insisted that he would do whatever it takes to keep me. We talked about a timeline I'm comfortable with for both a proposal and marriage. We also talked about how to handle things from here as I don't want him to be resentful of the ultimatum and I am incredibly resentful of him letting it get this far, how long it took, and having to give an ultimatum. It was what I expected--he's just scared overall. He associates marriage with the end of your fun/youth. He always has a hard time with bdays and getting older so it makes sense, I guess I just was hoping it was something that I could fix/improve on. So I am going to try my best to be patient for the next month and let go of my anger/resentment. I am cautiously optimistic, but still worried as the resentment created can cause problems. I also don't want him to feel pressured into a proposal, but I guess it's too late for that. All in all this has been a tough lesson learned and the perfect example for why you DON"T live together before married (at least I wouldn't recommend it). Even if we make it through this the proposal won't be what I hoped. I know the marriage is what ultimately matters, but it still is a little disappointing.
january2011 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I was in your position and by the time the proposal arrived, it was too late. The resentment and hurt from waiting made me feel vindictive and I refused his proposal. Thus the beginning of the relationship unravelling. It took a couple more years before we finally imploded. He is not going to get over his fear overnight unless a major life-change makes him change his mind. Right now, his fear of taking this step overrides his love for you and making you happy. Please do not wait until you hit 30+ before you realise that this is dead in the water. At most, give this 6 months to another year. Set a silent deadline. No more talking about it, which only results in picking at it even more and making you more resentful and him feeling more cornered. As you rightly state, a proposal under these circumstances will not be ideal. Use the time to be selfish, take charge of your own future and get your ducks in a row so that you can be financially independent from him when the 6 months-1 year is done. Eight years together is not to be sneezed at but you are still at an age where rebuilding your life will be relatively easy. It's not impossible when you get older, but it's much harder to do. Plus you might also have the pressure of your biological clock - which doesn't seem to be an issue at the moment.
Author Nik1234 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I was in your position and by the time the proposal arrived, it was too late. The resentment and hurt from waiting made me feel vindictive and I refused his proposal. Thus the beginning of the relationship unravelling. It took a couple more years before we finally imploded. He is not going to get over his fear overnight unless a major life-change makes him change his mind. Right now, his fear of taking this step overrides his love for you and making you happy. Please do not wait until you hit 30+ before you realise that this is dead in the water. At most, give this 6 months to another year. Set a silent deadline. No more talking about it, which only results in picking at it even more and making you more resentful and him feeling more cornered. As you rightly state, a proposal under these circumstances will not be ideal. Use the time to be selfish, take charge of your own future and get your ducks in a row so that you can be financially independent from him when the 6 months-1 year is done. Eight years together is not to be sneezed at but you are still at an age where rebuilding your life will be relatively easy. It's not impossible when you get older, but it's much harder to do. Plus you might also have the pressure of your biological clock - which doesn't seem to be an issue at the moment. This is what I'm worried about, all the resentment. We talked about a timeline but I've already set another of my own. If it doesn't happen by then, I'm walking, no matter what. So he pretty much has a couple months to do it and I'll let it be until then--no talking, no discussions, no pressure etc. That being said, it just sucks to have happened this way. So many great years coming down to this--just crappy timing I guess. It has helped to vent/discuss everything here, as much as I hate airing my laundry. My friends and family are so invested in this that they tend to offer biased advice. I appreciate the advice and points of view offered here--it's helped me feel better about potentially leaving and helped me realize I'm not being unreasonable about this.
Recommended Posts