brinelson Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 My husband and I have been together for a very long time and have been through some very hard trials. The most current is this. He bought an auto shop in Minneapolis a few years ago and started to stay at work until 11 p.m. or later every night (going in to work every morning about 8:30/9 a.m.) and started talking to a hot little blonde that came in to get her car fixed. To make a long story very short.. I found out that they had texted and had several phone conversations each night when I would go to work (I work nights). I confronted him- he lied and said I was crazy.. I shoed him the phone bill and then he said they were just friends. Then he said he would cut off all contact with her. A few months later, I still noticed a lot of distance from him so I went to his shop after closing hours and she was there and they were hanging out. It got bad because I accused him of cheating (which he denied.. ) and the girl verbally assaulted me and things got out of hand. He will not fire her because he says she is an employee who has done nothing wrong. He and I have talked about reconciling and getting our vows renewed as devoted Christians and moving back in with each other (I moved out that night I went down to see if something was going on at the shop).. But, tonight I still felt like something was off so I went down to the shop again.. I knew she was still employeed there but have been told that she only works the morning shifts. Well, she was there again after hours and they were hanging out watching you tube videos together and laughing. He also showered while she was there (He always tells me he wants to shower at work because then he is all clean on his way home since it is such a long commute). Anyways, I have believed everything he has told me. This girl texts him non stop and he tells me she is just looking for someone to help her with her problems and that he is like a big brother figure to her. I explained to him that this makes me uncomfortable and he said too bad- that he has not crossed the line and that I better just get over it. I need help!!! Please tell me what to do. We have 2 little girls (8 and 4 years old). I am trying to save this marriage for the sake of them but don't know if I can hold on any longer as he obviously does not honor or respect me. He tells me he has never laid a finger on this girl and that they just talked casually over the phone... Is he cheating on me?
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Yes, he is. And he's choosing her by his actions. 1
Author brinelson Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Even if he says they have only talked.. How do I find out the truth?
Author brinelson Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 He has pridefully expressed that he is above falling into physical adultery and has denied an emotional affair. I am dying right now.
Author brinelson Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 I think I could forgive the truth. But, He won't say even if he is attracted to her. She is pretty. I even can admit that.
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 He chooses to spend time with her day after day when he could be connecting o you - but he's connecting with her. She feeds his ego. He lied about texting and calling her Why would you think he wouldn't lie about having sex with her and the affair he's having? He's proven he's a liar! Why are YOU begging a cheat and a liar to be with you? Give him severe consequences! Take all the cash you can get your hands on. Get the house - demand it in divorce papers! And take his cheating a$$ for everything you can get! Anything you don't demand - he will stash away and you'll never get it. Act quickly!
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I think I could forgive the truth. But, He won't say even if he is attracted to her. She is pretty. I even can admit that. You need help to understand why you don't think much of yourself. 1
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Even if he says they have only talked.. How do I find out the truth? A polygraph! He takes the shower because they have sex at work. Come on - don't be so gullible.
movingon12 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 My husband and I have been together for a very long time and have been through some very hard trials. The most current is this. He bought an auto shop in Minneapolis a few years ago and started to stay at work until 11 p.m. or later every night (going in to work every morning about 8:30/9 a.m.) and started talking to a hot little blonde that came in to get her car fixed. To make a long story very short.. I found out that they had texted and had several phone conversations each night when I would go to work (I work nights). I confronted him- he lied and said I was crazy.. I shoed him the phone bill and then he said they were just friends. Then he said he would cut off all contact with her. A few months later, I still noticed a lot of distance from him so I went to his shop after closing hours and she was there and they were hanging out. It got bad because I accused him of cheating (which he denied.. ) and the girl verbally assaulted me and things got out of hand. He will not fire her because he says she is an employee who has done nothing wrong. He and I have talked about reconciling and getting our vows renewed as devoted Christians and moving back in with each other (I moved out that night I went down to see if something was going on at the shop).. But, tonight I still felt like something was off so I went down to the shop again.. I knew she was still employeed there but have been told that she only works the morning shifts. Well, she was there again after hours and they were hanging out watching you tube videos together and laughing. He also showered while she was there (He always tells me he wants to shower at work because then he is all clean on his way home since it is such a long commute). Anyways, I have believed everything he has told me. This girl texts him non stop and he tells me she is just looking for someone to help her with her problems and that he is like a big brother figure to her. I explained to him that this makes me uncomfortable and he said too bad- that he has not crossed the line and that I better just get over it. I need help!!! Please tell me what to do. We have 2 little girls (8 and 4 years old). I am trying to save this marriage for the sake of them but don't know if I can hold on any longer as he obviously does not honor or respect me. He tells me he has never laid a finger on this girl and that they just talked casually over the phone... Is he cheating on me? Does it matter if he's technically cheating or not? He has been lying to you, and when asked to choose between your feelings or hers, he chooses her. This is not a good marriage and you need to decide if you want to remain 2nd place to this woman. 1
standtall Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 brinelson..as a married Christian man, I can tell you this, he is betraying you. He is betraying his vows to you and to G**. He is supposed to put you before all others...end of story. His relationship with that woman is completely inappropriate. Get your pastor/priest involved. 1
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 brinelson..as a married Christian man, I can tell you this, he is betraying you. He is betraying his vows to you and to G**. He is supposed to put you before all others...end of story. His relationship with that woman is completely inappropriate. Get your pastor/priest involved. Why get the priest involved? To shame him into staying with a gal he's not showing loving behavior to? To force him to stay married when he wants his OW? He's shown what his choice is - why should this W endure more pain from a man that says he loves her but doesn't show it with his actions? He's made his decision. Now it's time for this OP to act on that. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 He had an affair and is probably still involved There can be no reconcilation until she is gone and there is NC forever, that means either he sells out or she is fired. Every time they have contact it is back to page one See an attorney, file for D and make him pay for child support. Also I suspect, being as the two of you were married when be purchased the shop you are part owner and with a good attorney he will need to either buy out your share or you could end up receiving a percentage of the profits I had a friend who married, then worked her behind off to put her EX thru medical school, a couple of years after his practice was up and running he dumped her for a hot nurse. Her attorney got her half of his profits for life.
KatZee Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 To make a long story very short.. I found out that they had texted and had several phone conversations each night when I would go to work (I work nights). I confronted him- he lied and said I was crazy.. I shoed him the phone bill and then he said they were just friends. This is gaslighting followed by trickle truth. These are tactics that any cheater will use. Gaslighting is when he tries to make it seem like YOU'RE the one who's crazy or imagining things. The trickle truth came out when you confronted him with evidence. "Oh we're only friends." --> if this was true why lie about it to begin with? Because there's more to the story. As of right now he's only going admit to what is already known and exposed. He won't admit to anything still hidden. Then he said he would cut off all contact with her. A few months later...and the girl verbally assaulted me and things got out of hand. He will not fire her because he says she is an employee who has done nothing wrong. So he basically said what you wanted to hear. That she would be out of the picture. Come to find out that it was a lie. Not only are they still in contact but this woman had the audacity to verbally assault you at this place of work, and in front of him. What did he do about it? She's still employed? So not only is he disrespecting you by lying and continuing on with this woman, he allows HER to disrespect you. He and I have talked about reconciling and getting our vows renewed as devoted Christians and moving back in with each other Impossible unless this woman is gone. Well, she was there again after hours and they were hanging out watching you tube videos together and laughing. He also showered while she was there (He always tells me he wants to shower at work because then he is all clean on his way home since it is such a long commute). More lies. Anyways, I have believed everything he has told me. Why? What has he done thus far to prove he is trustworthy? You may have a lot of years together, but trust is something that is easily lost. I explained to him that this makes me uncomfortable and he said too bad- that he has not crossed the line and that I better just get over it. More disrespect. If he cared about you and your feelings, he'd get rid of her no questions asked in order to make you secure in the marriage. This isn't happening. Lie after lie. Blatant disrespect. Clear favoring of this woman over you. So much time away from home. Do I believe he's cheating on you? Absolutely. Time for you to 180 his a.ss. The time for playing games is over. SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity Check out the BS FAQ section where you can learn all about what the 180 is and how to implement it. While you're doing that, continue digging beyond the phone. Is there a Facebook? Email accounts? Some would even go so far as to say VAR your husband's car. (Voice activated recording---set to turn on when someone speaks. It's easily concealable and you'll know if she's with him in his car what they may be talking about.) 2
standtall Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Why get the priest involved? To shame him into staying with a gal he's not showing loving behavior to? To force him to stay married when he wants his OW? Do I really need to explain this to you? The OP said they were devoted Christians..that's why. To remind him of his wedding vows, and to also warn him that he risks excommunication from whatever Christian church they belong to if he does not stop what he is doing. Based upon the OP saying that they are devoted Christians, it should mean something to him. So far she has no evidence of physical infidelity, so it is based on what she has said in the original post. Now go opinion police someone else....my advice stands. 1
2sure Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 You told him you were uncomfortable with his relationship with another woman, one who verbally assaulted you...and he said Too Bad. That's enough. No. Voice activated recorder taped beneath his desk . If you feel you must hear it. Lawyer up. He has everything to lose. Tell him Too Bad.
GuyInLimbo Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Do I really need to explain this to you? The OP said they were devoted Christians..that's why. To remind him of his wedding vows, and to also warn him that he risks excommunication from whatever Christian church they belong to if he does not stop what he is doing. Based upon the OP saying that they are devoted Christians, it should mean something to him. So far she has no evidence of physical infidelity, so it is based on what she has said in the original post. Now go opinion police someone else....my advice stands. I guess this is a sticky subject for many people, so I understand the criticism. Personally, I don't think clergy are of any real help when it comes to marriage, ESPECIALLY if you're Catholic. But if it works for some people, who am I to judge? To me, if one was such a devoted Christian, he wouldn't have chosen this path in the first place. But that is just my opinion. 3
standtall Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 To me, if one was such a devoted Christian, he wouldn't have chosen this path in the first place. But that is just my opinion. Yes, but everyone sins......daily. To God, all sins are the same. Just because you commit a sin, doesn't mean that one cannot be a devoted Christian.
Steadfast Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 To me, if one was such a devoted Christian, he wouldn't have chosen this path in the first place. Indeed. But I recognize standtall's point too. People do make mistakes, and sexual attraction is one of the strongest forces out there. It is incredibly strong. That said, cheating is not a mistake. That's a decision. Mistakes are stumbled upon, decisions are acted upon. There's a huge difference. And the difference in my opinion, is that he continues to keep this woman around. After all that's happened? Sad. Bottom line, if he really loved and respected you, he would have done what you asked. You have a right...as a loving wife, to ask him to distance himself from temptation. He is wrong. Who knows what they've done. But what you know he's done is enough for you to show him the door. Cheating isn't just about sex. Foot down now.
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