HeldbyGravity Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I have known this guy for three months now. At month 2, he asked me out to coffee and so we went on a date, had a great time. He continued to find little reasons to see me after that, continued flirting, but we didn't hang out like we had before he asked me on that date. SO, I asked him, really casually, to let me know if he wants to hang out or do something after the holiday craziness dies down. I thought this was perfectly acceptable, but my guy friend says, "No no, you shouldn't be chasing him!" Chasing? Who is chasing? "You messed up! Now to undo it, you have to not reply to his reply for a few days. Play it cool, make him miss you". ... what the heck? Guys, what's your view on this? The guy I am interested in, in question, he is very traditional, but also very laid back. I didn't ask him on a date though, just to hang out. So I don't see the big deal here! We're in our 20s.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 You're basically asking him out on a date, asking to hang-out is the same thing....that's essentially just how women ask you out. But why would you feel the need to pursue if he was the one showing interest, thinking of ways to see you, etc? he obviously is already talking to you so if he's truly interested then he'd have made a move since he already asked you out first right? I think you should have let him pursue you further at this point...is it the end of the world that you asked him to hang out? no but it shows you have interest which is a good thing but on the same hand you're not giving much of a chase, which sadly many men need in order to pump up their ego and feel like a man that has actually conquered something rather than just being ok with the girl simply being interested too. I anticipate he's not very interested or has something going on, which is why he stopped the pursuit, yet now that he knows you are interested in seeing him again he might just put that barely enough effort into reciprocating your interest....kinda like he's doing you a favor since you asked. If the guy you are interested in is very traditional then he needs to be the one who feels like the man and like he's in control....especially if he's not. You have to play little miss naive and flattered, and build us his mojo.
LittlePrince Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Some people like to follow the "Book of Love" They are fools. You need better friends.
Author HeldbyGravity Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 You're basically asking him out on a date, asking to hang-out is the same thing....that's essentially just how women ask you out. But why would you feel the need to pursue if he was the one showing interest, thinking of ways to see you, etc? he obviously is already talking to you so if he's truly interested then he'd have made a move since he already asked you out first right? I think you should have let him pursue you further at this point...is it the end of the world that you asked him to hang out? no but it shows you have interest which is a good thing but on the same hand you're not giving much of a chase, which sadly many men need in order to pump up their ego and feel like a man that has actually conquered something rather than just being ok with the girl simply being interested too. I anticipate he's not very interested or has something going on, which is why he stopped the pursuit, yet now that he knows you are interested in seeing him again he might just put that barely enough effort into reciprocating your interest....kinda like he's doing you a favor since you asked. If the guy you are interested in is very traditional then he needs to be the one who feels like the man and like he's in control....especially if he's not. You have to play little miss naive and flattered, and build us his mojo. When he asked me on a date though, he made it clear that it was a date. When he asked me to hang out, it was in the least-datelike-environments. So... why wouldn't there be the same differentiation when I ask him? I once had a boyfriend who thought everything was a date. Really, we went to Costco and he counted it as a date, just because we went together. Some people like to follow the "Book of Love" They are fools. You need better friends. I do not like to play games. That's what it comes down to. If I am interested in someone, it shouldn't be a big deal that One Time, I initiate us hanging out.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 When he asked me on a date though, he made it clear that it was a date. When he asked me to hang out, it was in the least-datelike-environments. So... why wouldn't there be the same differentiation when I ask him? I once had a boyfriend who thought everything was a date. Really, we went to Costco and he counted it as a date, just because we went together. Because he's either not interested in you enough to feel the need to take you out on another date, or feels it's easier to be lazy or just use these other alternative methods to see you...however it's important to establish a level of interest and intent, which he seemed to back away from. And that's really the question you should be most concerned with and asking yourself....why did he never take you out on another date and why didn't he pursue you further in a more obvious manner? that right there shows a lack of interest IMO. You asking him out is just a separate thing altogether, it doesn't even really matter other than you reciprocating that you have some interest but if he was interested he would have made a stronger pursuit unless there's some kind of progression being made I'm not aware of...I can't imagine why a normal man would ask you out a date, not have it progress to nothing, yet still see you casually and then never ask you on another date, in your timeline there was plenty of opportunity to take things further, therefore I think you're wasting your time with this guy, because the lack of pursuit and intent wouldn't have dropped off IMO, so at best you're just something to date out of convenience or availability but not seriously. I think the biggest thing here like i said though, is him dropping his pursuit and progressing into something at least semi-romantic, which I'm sure if you're interested you have materialized but without fact I'm not sure that I'd believe that. I'm not sure why that isn't a big sign to you though.
Ami1uwant Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Because he's either not interested in you enough to feel the need to take you out on another date, or feels it's easier to be lazy or just use these other alternative methods to see you...however it's important to establish a level of interest and intent, which he seemed to back away from. He also may be interested in her but had trouble reading her level of interest. He may be currently dating others so she is an option b or C.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Things are not always easily categorizeable into neat boxes. A "date" doesn't have to be anything special. Hanging out can be a date depending on how you act.
Author HeldbyGravity Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 (edited) Just to clarify, in response to some comments... - He told me specifically that he is looking for a long term relationship and is very serious about it, before we went out on the date. After the date, he made sure to tell me that he was still very interested in me. - He has mentioned to me that he takes a while to get to know someone when he likes them - He is Christian and I am, and we've discussed boundaries and such- this is a dating situation when sex is Not on the table. And we have not kissed yet- he said he wanted to respect me, didn't want to do anything to make me uncomfortable. - We have hung out a few times since the date. Just real casual, basically sitting there talking for hours. After each time, he made sure to say he had a good time, it was nice seeing me. I don't know, his nicknames for me are just as affectionate as before, and he still sends me long messages like when we first met. I do Not think it was a matter of losing interest. The question I'm asking here is if by asking him, by initiating a plan like that, have I messed up in some way. Edited November 20, 2012 by HeldbyGravity
Mint Sauce Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 he doesn't sound like the guy who follows the rules of the game, and neither do you. So forget about all that playing-hard-to-get nonsense and just be spontaneous. 1
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