Samms22 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 My story begins back in Feburary of this year, when I first met my girlfriend in our English class. It was a classic seduction: she liked my personality and found me attractive. I asked her out on a date and found out that she had a boyfriend currently. I backed off. I then got a random text from her saying that she had broken up with her boyfriend, ironically after just meeting me. I would find out later that she had a history of cheating and dishonesty, kissing another "bad boy" at a party while dating another guy. She dumped him for this dude, and he actually physical abused her as well as emotionally, and this caused her to stay with the guy because "that's all she felt that she deserved." Fast forward to the guy she dated before me, who she didn't like at all and had sex with just because her best friend told her to. Our "honey moon" phase was weird: she was a stage 5 clinger, never wanted me to hang out with my friends, was extremely jealous and very puppy dog, "I want to be with you forever..." and syrupy sweet love. I actually found this endearing and felt it a huge ego boost to have someone so enamored with me, physically and mentally. It became, in my opinion, a relationship of convenience for me. I felt secure . I also told her I loved her when I truly didn't feel it, but I was hoping those feelings would accumulate because I did end up building a future and reality with her and she began to settle down. I thought she was an amazing person: I put her on a pedestal. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. At the end of October we moved out together into a nice apartment with another couple. I did it because I felt it would be a good idea for my maturity and future; she was a good cook and I thought was there for me. About 2 weeks into the move out we started to grow apart... I could feel it. Finally I asked her what was wrong, and she admitted liking another guy. The catch? She was lying. After we agreed to work things out, I went to her work to get some coffee and she was there with the guy. I found out that they had kissed, etc. and she went over to his house on a few occasions. This lead to the break up and the night after this happened, she slept over at the guys house. She claims that she cheated right after a fight we had on Halloween night, where I was at fault. Here's where I get stuck, not believing it's a cut and dry "she cheated, it's over." All throughout our relationship, when she would natter about me being with other girls and her EXTREME insecurity and jealousy would come to the surface, I would make jokes. Sometimes I would intentionally make jokes to make her jealous, sort of as a mockery of it. Like, "Yeah I talked to ____ the other day." Sometimes worse. She would always laugh and giggle and only showed mild annoyance, and I thought I was being funny. Sometimes I would make jokes about threesomes but she always seemed to take it in stride. Did I deserve what I got? Should I not expect the girl who professes her undying love for me to tell me when I hurt her feelings, so I can stop? She never earnestly or effusively told me that I was hurting her feelings. She pretended everything was okay, and even while she was cheating, she still sent me sweet texts, and at the break up came out with a list of things that upset her that I had NO CLUE about. I also got into fights with her about 3-4 times in 9 months, but on the whole I thought we had a solid relationship. I got her flowers, wrote her poetry, and was VERY supportive and never put her down. I want to hear from other people who might have a different perspective on whether or not I deserved to be cheated on, or whether or not my ex might have cheated on me even if everything was "perfect." She also has latent anorexia in which a symptom is she tries to make everything "perfect" despite my objections that I want her to be herself. Thoughts? Sorry it's so long.
onavap Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 It's as simple as this, No matter how much you annoy her/ upset her/ hurt her feelings, etc, one should never cheat on someone they're in love with. If she really loved you, she would feel an incredible amount of guilt for doing what she did before she even did it, thus, stopping her from doing it in the first place. Do not feel like it's your fault because it's not, cheating is never okay. Honesty is the number one policy in a relationship, and if she ever had any feelings for anyone else, she should have told you so you both can talk and come up with a solution for it
KatZee Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 OK, so to answer your question: Did you deserve to be cheated on? No, of course no. No one DESERVES to be cheated on. That's a horrible thing to go through. However in the real world...in reference to your "syrupy love" "Cheaters do sometimes win. If someone is trying to get you to buy into their agenda, they can advance their cause and gain more access and information, all just by 'loving you up.' They will flatter you, laugh at your jokes, agree with your positions, support your efforts, and on and on, right up until they strike. If all you are ever hearing is what you want to hear, be afraid. Be very afraid." - Life Code by Dr. Phil McGraw The New Rules for Winning in the Real World Secondly: You knew what she was about from day one. So while you don't "deserve" to be cheated on, you were ASKING for it and you really shouldn't be all that surprised. How you acted, what you did, how you supported her is completely irrelevant. Those were YOUR choices, knowing who she was as a person. 4 Reasons Why “It Will Be Different With Me” Syndrome Is Dangerous The type of women that lie, cheat, or are guilty of general douchebaggery come with a track record. Other men warn you to stay away, her friends tell you about her sordid past, and yet, you’ll convince yourself that you and you alone are up to the challenge of taming her. (Note: This is written from women's point of view, just read it from a male's perspective) 4 Reasons Why “It Will Be Different With Me” Syndrome Is DangerousIt’s delusional. No one likes to hear “I told you so,” but it will be hard not to when he treats you exactly the same as all the others. Women place themselves at a disadvantage when they blindly ignore past behavior. His past behavior is telling you, like a story, how things are going to go with him. But for some bizarre reason, a defense mechanism to not be wrong about the guy kicks in, keeping you with him even when you know you shouldn’t. If you indulge, it will probably end with a proportionate amount of heartbreak. It will wreak havoc on your friendships. Armed with the info that this guy is a total a.sshole, your friends will try everything to talk you out of it. They’ll want to discuss any bad behavior and question why you are still with this guy. Unfortunately, it’s hard on friendships and can leave you alienated when things go sour. Your friends are not the enemy. They just aren’t too blinded by lust to ignore his warning signs. It requires you to make excuses for him. It sucks to defend the guy you’re dating. In fact, you really shouldn’t have to. Everyone has bad days, but if you find yourself constantly explaining his absences, or his “friendship” with his ex that you’re so okay with (when you probably aren’t), or the provocative things he says on Facebook or Twitter, it just makes you look foolish in the end. Relationships aren’t supposed to make you feel that way. People fundamentally don’t change. People change, but they rarely change fundamentally. Change in behavior patterns, for the most part, happens very, very slowly. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but a man with little regard or respect for the woman he’s seeing is only being validated for his behavior when good women continue to date him. If a guy has cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had, and you began your relationship while he was cheating with you; why would you possibly think this behavior stops with you? The chances that he’ll cheat on you are astronomical, but more importantly, why do you want to reward that type of behavior? You’ll inherently have trust issues in your relationship, and starting off with major trust issues is just choosing a really rocky relationship road.
Chi townD Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Breaking it down simply, you didn't deserve to be cheated on and it was NOT your fault. Period. She made a choice. You didn't force her into the arms of another guy, she did it willingly and she made that choice. Not your fault. She didn't have the guts to face problems in the relationship. So don't ever take the blame for her actions. 1
Author Samms22 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks guys. I guess where I get hung up is I have done things in the past in the relationship that might have hurt her, but she never sat down and told me anything. She DID pretend everything was okay until the very end. Anyone else have input on this?
CptSaveAho Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 She was full of ****, she's a user and a loser. People fall for them, it happens Next time keep your eyes open and dont believe anything that comes out of her mouth, watch their actions and trust your gut
Recommended Posts