Alabama277 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I've been seeing a great guy for four months now, we have a lot in common and have a good time. We established early on that we would be exclusive. Since the first date, he's told me that hes horrible at relationships and making plans, but I took this for granted. I'm a very low maintenance girlfriend and understand that he's busy with school and friends, but his lack of planning and including me in plans is starting to annoy me. I'm used to dating guys who typically like to spend a lot of time with me, but I see my current SO only once or twice a week. If we do hang out, it's usually me going to meet up with him and his friends. He seems to like the convenience of me coming around to him. He has also yet to meet my family. I confronted him about these topics earlier, and he told me that he just does not know how to be a good boyfriend and that I need to tell him what to do. I think that's bull****, and unfair that I have to direct him on what he should be doing. He said he didn't intend on getting into a serious relationship any time soon, but with me that's exactly what he wants. The advice I've gotten is to back off from making plans with him and see if he initiates and includes me more often. We text constantly and I really enjoy spending time with him, I'm just not sure if he's still immature or just not that into me?
LittlePrince Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 He's not what you want in a man. Nothing can be done about that except you find another. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 So what you're basically saying is you aren't getting it through to your head that this guy doesn't really want a serious relationship with you? But oh yeah, he agreed to exclusivity because we all know guys don't like someone to spend time with or have sex with once in a while when it is "convenient" for us. Kind of weird how it's always on his watch isn't it hmm? You both sound young and inexperienced though, so the fact that he doesn't want to spend all his time with you isn't that odd, spending time with friends and doing his own thing but you need to realize that this isn't going to change anytime or possibly ever, right now this is where he is...you're for now this interim girl, the kind of girl he's not crazy about that he wants to be with all the time but is likable enough to spend some of his time with when he is up to it. Another thing is it works just like for women...when a guy really likes a girl he's all of a sudden a changed man and ready for a relationship when he told that other girl he wasn't looking for anything "serious"...for a lot of guys that's just a scapegoat to fool around with no strings, some will make the commitment but they're not taking it seriously...after all relationships can end just as easily as dating for some. You've also set up a one-dimensional relationship, you've created this or at least allowed this...this whole I'll come to you without you having to come for me, but now you actually expect that to change? sorry, not how it works, when you want to set the pace to anything, you start with it, not try and enforce and change it down the road because by that time the other person thinks that's how it's always going to be and will feel misled and like you wanted something else, something more than he could give. This is your relationship right now, so all this "potential" you see or this fantasy in your head of how its going to be like "once he's ready" is a trick many women unfortunately play on themselves that leave them living in the future with their current lover rather than the present, and they can do that for years and years and years, when this is the actual relationship, this is the reality...so you are experiencing it now and if you want him to change, sure if you tell him to do this or that he'll do it for a few weeks or so then fall back into the same routine. Relationships should be the best in the beginning...it's like building a house, you don't build the house on a lop-sided foundation and then try to fix it later, you don't just simply lift everything up and fix the bottom layer that the house sits on..and these are things you will learn. So just learn from this, don't get all swooped up in it, you don't do that with guys that act like this so you're very likely not going to end up with this guy in the long run anyway. Guys start to become more confident and independent as they get older, less infatuated and dependent on men like really young or inexperienced guys tend to do because they put women on a pedestal. So just because you meet a guy that is "different" from the rest of the guys, doesn't mean it's in a good way, in fact it's probably for the worse unless it's in fact all going the way you hoped it would and he's there for you to make you happy and he's invested and all of that jazz. Hoping he'll "change" is a waste of your time, look at the millions of women right and left you hoping the same thing...sorry to say but, take a number. 1
Author Alabama277 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Oh no, I think you misread that. He said he DOES want a serious and long term relationship with me. And we're both in our upper twenties.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 He says he dosen't know how to be a good boyfriend. Here's the thing about "relationships"*. All they really are is someone you date exclusively with no sex but with your counterpart. To be a good boyfriend all he needs to do is be there, be faithful and love you. There's really no trick to it. It sounds to me like he has had some bad experience to make him feel uneasy. *Remember relationships are not marriage. There is a level of commitment but not every relationship is meant to become a marriage or last forever. Enjoy it for what it is.
Author Alabama277 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 I agree completely with the foundation of the relationship comment. That's why this concerns me. I was recently in a 4-5 year relationship before this one so I'm trying to not project expectations from that into this one. Also, I think you're pretty quick to assume things that I never said. Like this whole fantasy world thing you're claiming I'm in? I don't believe I came off delusional about this relationship. I mean, I came here expressing how I think it's bull****. Never once did I express that I think he's a "different" guy. He just a regular guy that I've been seeing and wanted to know if I should give it time or jump ship. Also that I must be young and inexperienced? That was a nice assumption as well. Your advice really hits home when you've gotten most of my three paragraph story wrong.
Author Alabama277 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Oh, I agree. I think I'm a little cautious myself since my last relationship was marriage-bound and didn't pan out. I think I'll stop being so concerned with where it's going and just have fun for now without getting too caught up with it. He hasn't had much experience in dating, and I think I might have too much. Thank you for your insight!
Mrlonelyone Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Also that I must be young and inexperienced? That was a nice assumption as well. Your advice really hits home when you've gotten most of my three paragraph story wrong. Alabama, remember some of the posters here are in their latter 30's 40's 50's to them people in their late 20's and early 30's are inexperienced. They have been hurt many times too. All they are saying is, that he sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants the benefits of having a GF but not the responsibilities. Relationships are about give and take. It sounds like you are doing much of the giving and all he wants is to take.
Author Alabama277 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Assuming that someone in their upper 20's or lower 30's must be inexperienced is pretty asinine.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Assuming that someone in their upper 20's or lower 30's must be inexperienced is pretty asinine. Well compared to people who are 10 20 30 years older than us we are. Just as people who are 10 years younger than us are relatively inexperienced. Even a 50 year old who has never left his home town has more people/relationship experience than a well traveled 20 year old. It's something they call wisdom.
sunnygirl200 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I truly believe that when a guy wants to be in a relationship, he will bend over backwards. I've seen it and experienced it first hand. Sounds to me like this guy wants his cake and wants to eat it too! Problem is, guys HATE it when you give them an ultimatum like : IT'S ME OR NOTHING. But unfortunately, it has to be said so he knows how you feel. Good luck.
Drseussgrrl Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Wait - he's not taking you on proper dates? When you see him it's to meet up with his friends? There's a reason you don't like this. It's because he's lazy. And men are lazy with women they feel mediocre about - not crazy. I think he's just plain ol' not into you and you're right... you shouldn't have to direct a man especially in the early stages of dating.
Divasu Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Well as I see it, he was completely upfront with you from day one stating he is horrible at relationships and making plans. You however, chose to ignore it thinking it would get better with time. You knew the type of man you had on your hands when this started, so is it really fair on your part to expect him to change? If you want and need someone who is more of a "take charge" kinda guy, then he's not the one for you. It doesn't make him a bad guy, he was honest all along, he's just not compatible with you.
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