colombiana28 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Hi, I'm a 27 year old woman. I love sex, I love exploring a new body. At this point in my life, I have never "grown attached" to anyone I've slept with. I appreciate their physical traits, but I also enjoy them as people, whether they're funny, interesting, have a lot going on in their lives - it intensifies my attraction. I would never f#ck a dull dude with nothing going on up there. Anyways, almost every single time I start a FWB-type relationship, I make it completely clear that I'm not looking for a boyfriend. And the 4 guys I've had a fling with over the past year were fine with it at first, almost giddy about the arrangement. But after we hook up a few times, they begin to ask for exclusivity. Each one told me that they didn't take me seriously when I said I only wanted sex/part-time companionship. They figured they would be able to make me feel attachment if we had sex enough. I still wanted NSA only, and the arrangements ended. I feel like an alien, honestly. My sister and friends have questioned me over and over and can't wrap their heads around wanting multiple lovers. My sister said there's something chemically wrong with my brain - she said I should be totally wrapped up in a guy when I'm seeing him. Lack of oxytocin being released? (just fyi - have no maternal instincts and don't want kids). I just feel like this is my natural state...I feel free. My past two relationships (one from 19-23, one from 24-26) made me depressed beyond measure. I feel like when I'm seeing men without any commitment, no obligations, no one to answer to... I just float through each day with a smile on my face. I suppose I'm a "slut", but it feels so natural I couldn't even fathom looking for another relationship in the near future. Is there anyone else (women) that feel similar? where commitment feels impossible, almost foreign? Just wondering if any shrinks or therapists have diagnosed you with some sort of disorder. I know I'm not getting younger, and would love to fall madly in love with someone like my close friends have, but whenever I sense a guy has intense feelings, I run like the wind.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 You have commitment issues fueled by your past experiences, it's pretty much written all over and your post. You set up these situations with men so you don't get disappointed and hurt, it's easier to not have these expectations or fantasies with them so you just take intimacy to a certain level and when it crosses a certain imaginary line in your mind you start to detach and head for the hills, then repeat the process over again getting what you need out of it. These guys chase you because they're not used to women having to run away I'd most likely wager, but if you met a guy who knew the game better than you did he could definitely swoop you off your feet...you need a man who is stronger, smarter and less emotionally attached, because that will draw you in like a moth to a light, but as soon as these other guys start chasing you it's time to run like the wind, they're too available. You've never really dealt with the past and gotten over it, it still hold your heart and emotions hostage, and you're likely afraid to let someone in and over the years the wall will grow higher and you'll become more conditioned to being these way where you won't even recognize or see a problem with it, maybe you'll rationalize it but you won't feel that way to a degree. I wouldn't say you have a disorder, trust me If that was the case most people would have a "disorder", but you do have some issues to work through so that you can allow yourself to get past your roadblock, that will take a lot of self work and avoiding this vicious cycle you are on with men, to get your "fix" of what you call intimacy. But I know you'll desire more from that eventually, the biggest vulnerability you have is an emotionally detached guy coming into your life and beating you at your own game, that's likely to be your biggest threat..and he is out there, you'll give him everything and let down your walls and then he'll burn you just like you did these other men. 2
peytondoll Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Theres nothing wrong with you. You sound more rational and unemotional than the typical woman but theres nothing wrong with that. I have done the same things as you and most of my relationships made me depressed as well. I would still be open to a relationship but the type of man Id do that with Im unlikely to find because its so rare. It sounds like you have some commitment issues, but alot of people do, and honestly with men today and the way they act (men in their 20's at least) youre not missing much. Please ignore the other people who respond to this. Im kind of laughing right now because Ive lurked on these forums for a long time and only recently started posting...tons of men post topics like this and people dont think twice about it. Its such a double standard in our society. If anyone says you have a disorder....TONS of men have it too. BTW- men are supposed to release hormones after sex too. Its not just women- thats a myth. 1
Author colombiana28 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Ninja your posts are so awesome. I do need a therapist (lol).
peytondoll Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Ninja your posts are so awesome. I do need a therapist (lol). Well if you feel you need one, over half the men that post on this site need one as well.
ThaWholigan Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Well if you feel you need one, over half the men that post on this site need one as well. What is your problem?
Sanman Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I have to agree with Ninja. I am also curious as to what made you so depressed in your relationships. EDIT: Reading your second posts confirms my suspicions. I am wondering if you were so miserable in your relationships because you felt like you were walking on egg shells and not really being yourself. If so, it is most likely an attachment issue as you are not comfortable being yourself inside a relationship. Being attached causes so much anxiety you are miserable, thus why you prefer FWB. Just a theory.
peytondoll Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 What is your problem? I dont have a problem other than the fact that people seem to feel women are incapable of having a NSA relationship and if she wants one then she must have a disorder, yet there are tons of topics with men saying the same thing and no one says go see a therapist. really?
Author colombiana28 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Sanman, I agree. I tend to wear a mask around other people...I listen intently, feign interest when I shouldn't, pay for things when I shouldn't, extremely (too?) giving in the bedroom. I want people to like me, and always end up giving way more and not being myself. I've tried to convince my ex that he wasn't really in love with ME, just this girl I always project to the world. The girl that bends over backwards to make others happy at the expense of myself. Eh, I've got issues.
ThaWholigan Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I dont have a problem other than the fact that people seem to feel women are incapable of having a NSA relationship and if she wants one then she must have a disorder, yet there are tons of topics with men saying the same thing and no one says go see a therapist. really? I don't believe women are incapable, in fact I have an NSA arrangement with one such woman. You haven't read enough topics either, because it is sometimes suggested for all kinds of people, not just women in NSA relationships. Please do not allow your preconceived notions of the posters here due to previous lurking color how you post - get to know the story first .
Sanman Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I dont have a problem other than the fact that people seem to feel women are incapable of having a NSA relationship and if she wants one then she must have a disorder, yet there are tons of topics with men saying the same thing and no one says go see a therapist. really? No one said that. A person came here with a concern and people gave her advice based on the concern. If there was no problem there, the OP would not have posted. If she wanted to have a NSA relationship and was not bothered by it more power to her, but she is bothered by it.
ThaWholigan Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Sanman, I agree. I tend to wear a mask around other people...I listen intently, feign interest when I shouldn't, pay for things when I shouldn't, extremely (too?) giving in the bedroom. I want people to like me, and always end up giving way more and not being myself. I've tried to convince my ex that he wasn't really in love with ME, just this girl I always project to the world. The girl that bends over backwards to make others happy at the expense of myself. Eh, I've got issues. I think that the sex isn't the issue, that is just a symptom of the cause really. I get the sense that the illusory comfort that NSA arrangements give you is just that, an illusion. Perhaps you don't necessarily need therapy, but perhaps it would be good of you to take some time delving into your psyche. A therapist can help you do that though, but you can do it on your own. Get to the source of why you need people to like you at the expense of your own happiness with yourself. Having said that, there's nothing wrong with being extremely giving in the bedroom .
Author colombiana28 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 A therapist can help you do that though, but you can do it on your own. Get to the source of why you need people to like you at the expense of your own happiness with yourself. And when I identify that, what do I do? I don't know my biological father, don't even know his name or what he looks like. Since I have a great adoptive father my mom hasn't felt it necessary to fill me in on anything. She just said he was a bad person. I could have some dormant issues with that.
Sanman Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Sanman, I agree. I tend to wear a mask around other people...I listen intently, feign interest when I shouldn't, pay for things when I shouldn't, extremely (too?) giving in the bedroom. I want people to like me, and always end up giving way more and not being myself. I've tried to convince my ex that he wasn't really in love with ME, just this girl I always project to the world. The girl that bends over backwards to make others happy at the expense of myself. Eh, I've got issues. Whether you want to see a therapist or not is your choice. Also, everyone has some issues. However, you get there, I do think that you will learn that you enjoy relationships when you get to the point where you can be yourself in one. Being anxious all the time and getting people to try and like you is a recipe for burnout and unhappiness. My guess is being yourself is what makes being a fwb fun. Back to the paying job, lol.
ThaWholigan Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 And when I identify that, what do I do? I don't know my biological father, don't even know his name or what he looks like. Since I have a great adoptive father my mom hasn't felt it necessary to fill me in on anything. She just said he was a bad person. I could have some dormant issues with that. At that point, the best thing you can do is accept things as they are, it is probably the best way to move forward. I'll explain.... About 4 years ago I had been kicked out of Uni and hit a wall in terms of confidence, and my mother worried. It had been a problem for years, anxiety, stress, and a pathological fear of failure AND a fear of success. I also allowed people's interests in my life to override my own interests. Then I went to a succession of doctors and psychologists for around 8 months and they somehow all concluded that I was autistic. I rejected it for months, I didn't believe I had it. I had just started to leave behind my "special needs" status as an child/adolescent, and thought I had gotten rid of the autism label that kept rearing its head. Nonetheless, the doctors were convinced, my mother was convinced, so I went ahead with the tests and such. Eventually, I was diagnosed twice in the space of a few months, one High Functioning Autism, another was Aspergers and Dyspraxia. After that happened, I felt relieved. It was a moment of acceptance, and after that came clarity. I knew what my problem was and the key to understanding it and working with it was acceptance. It took me seeing psychologists to do so, but it wasn't necessarily them that freed me, it was the acceptance of my situation. Accepting things as they are makes it easier to change things. Change your pattern. Find what your triggers are and figure out how to remove them or how to change what they motivate you to do. For what it's worth, on the subject of fathers, my own wasn't always the best father - I barely had a relationship with him until I was 12. It is why to this day, I still call my step-father "dad" out of respect because for the 1st 10 years of my life, he was my father. The first step to dealing with that is actually to forgive your father and accept his failings. I now have a very strong relationship with my dad now that I was able to do that.
Author colombiana28 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Thanks for the thoughtful response! Changing patterns...I like that. I think part of it is changing my thinking and accepting myself for all the good and bad. I've been mindeffed a bit growing up in a very conservative religious household. I can rationally say that I'm being truer to myself than I was before deconverting, but the effects of being raised fundamentalist linger sometimes, and I start hating myself for being "bad" "sinful" every word you can think of that angry religious people hurl. This has really helped my actually delve into the deeper layers and think about things. LS comes through again.
Recommended Posts