Heartbreaking split/different but not really

[Cburch]

Hi, I'm new to the site. Looking for a place to vent and be with others in the same pain I am in.

My story is just alittle different, but only the circumstances leading up to the seperation. And I guess thats how I can plead ignorance.

H and I married 21 years, I am 41, he is 43, one DD 15. 10 years ago, H left claiming couldn't take the nagging anymore and I think wanted to experience single life. My nagging was because he was never home, stopping off at local bar in town and I was taking care of 5 year old. We reconcilled with counseling after 6 months. Things have been good till 3 years ago. H got hurt at work, 3 surgeries later, can't work at previous job, has permenant restrictions, doing Lawncare full time (has been part-time for 4 years as a way for H to fund his hobbies). In Feb my long time job was deleted (20 yrs) and then two weeks later we found out his long term disability was stopping. Financial worries went from bad to worse. H hasn't slept in bed with me since first surgery Dec of 2010. But made "visits" regularly. But in the past year, H began to withdrawal from family and become depressed. Seriously depressed. I had no idea what to do. I didn't want nag about him getting out of "man cave" and getting a job, because I know he's feeling the guilt of not being able to work at a "fullfilling" job. I didn't care what he does, just do something. Then his shoulder starts to hurt as bad as it did when he first hurt it. Sex all together stopped mid Aug 2012 and H was sick, couldn't shake funk. H got a sales job with hunting industry - I'm hopeful this will help. He will be on the road a lot doing something he LOVES. And he was working at a local bar helping out the owner, I'm supportive, again to get him out of the house. He left Oct 1 to go visit stores and came back Oct 3 and announces he "can't do this anymore", "he will always love me", "but I deserve someone better than him", "he can't even support his family like a man should." Blah, blah blah, I let him leave. I knew something was off. I thought he needed time to clear his head. Oct 12, DD got a picture of him with other women. So, things turned from me being okay he left, because I thought he'd come back to he's being having an affair since first to mid-Aug with a girl at the bar he works at 3 nights a week. I'm in total shock because I totally trusted him. He is sorry, but can't say anything else. I found phone records and he just says he knew I would find out and didn't care.

I still think H is depressed, his step-mom thinks he is depressed. There is a lot more to our relationship, but for me everything can be worked on if you open your mouth and say it. For me, I lived in fear of hurting him and pressuring him even more than he was pressuring himself. He must have took it as me being uncaring or distance, not giving him what he needed. See, total lack of communication, but it is something that we could have worked on if he hadn't cheated. We are meeting tomorrow at lawyer to sign quit claim deed to the house (he's giving it to me), MDA and parenting plan, but I don't plan on filing till I'm ready. I really just want to get house in my name before OW starts filling his head with what he needs to do.

So, that's my story. I'm beginning to slowly cut off all communication with him unless it involves D or house or bills. We can go several days a week with no texting and we rarely talk. He does a few nice things for me without prompting and he was hesitant when I pressed for a time to meet with lawyer. I am in pain, sometimes it's so deep I think I'm suffocating, but then I pick myself up and work through it. I just can't imagine what he is thinking or how he could promise so many things (love, trust, forever) and not hold up to his promises. I'm not sure exactly where to go from now. Working on myself for the moment, maybe some group counseling (cheaper) or maybe taking the plunge with a Christian counselor. But I fear, as many, the unknow and the loneliness. And I'm not 100% sure of what I want or CAN do with our relationship.

 

Thanks for listening

Christy

Edited November 19, 2012 by Cburch
grammer

[Cburch]

Today was the first converstation H and I have had in a while. We met at the lawyer's office to sign MDA & PP. I told him after we left that I was only doing this because it's what I knew he wanted. I don't want it yet. Its 22 years of us we are writing off, I'm just not ready yet. He agreed. 21 GOOD years he said. We then talked about Thanksgiving, Christmas, the lawncare business, DD, bills, etc. A lot like old friends. I can be friends with him, but it hurts. I longed to have him hold me when I started crying. I longed to see some emotion on his face that this was bothering him too. Of course, he's too guarded and he rarely shows emotion anyways.

 

Our lawyer said in his 32 years, this was the most amiable divorce he's ever seen. It's really a lawyers dream. And we aren't actually filing with the courts till after Christmas, because 1)I'm not ready yet and 2)DD asked me to wait. She thinks he might realize how much he misses us. I guess anything is possible, but I doubt it.

 

See, DD doesn't really realize anything was ever wrong. We never fought, we never argued or at least rarely. We just lived two lives because neither of us could communicate without fear of hurting the other. So, instead of the yelling like most unhappy couples do, we had the complete opposite. She was in shock when H told her he was leaving, a lot more than me. So, I'm trying to give her time to deal with the everything before actually saying ... hey your parents are divorced. Welcome to the world. We are only putting it off by a month. But that gives me time after the holidays to talk to her more.

 

H looked the same except a few subtle things that were different. A new shirt and a black leather bracelet.... I couldn't help but wonder if it was OW that gave him those things. I so wanted to ask, but didn't. It would have hurt too much to know the truth.

 

So, it appears that in just a matter of less than 5 months, I could be a single women ... I'm not looking forward to it yet...

[aMguilts]

Today was the first converstation H and I have had in a while. We met at the lawyer's office to sign MDA & PP. I told him after we left that I was only doing this because it's what I knew he wanted. I don't want it yet. Its 22 years of us we are writing off, I'm just not ready yet. He agreed. 21 GOOD years he said. We then talked about Thanksgiving, Christmas, the lawncare business, DD, bills, etc. A lot like old friends. I can be friends with him, but it hurts. I longed to have him hold me when I started crying. I longed to see some emotion on his face that this was bothering him too. Of course, he's too guarded and he rarely shows emotion anyways.

 

Our lawyer said in his 32 years, this was the most amiable divorce he's ever seen. It's really a lawyers dream. And we aren't actually filing with the courts till after Christmas, because 1)I'm not ready yet and 2)DD asked me to wait. She thinks he might realize how much he misses us. I guess anything is possible, but I doubt it.

 

See, DD doesn't really realize anything was ever wrong. We never fought, we never argued or at least rarely. We just lived two lives because neither of us could communicate without fear of hurting the other. So, instead of the yelling like most unhappy couples do, we had the complete opposite. She was in shock when H told her he was leaving, a lot more than me. So, I'm trying to give her time to deal with the everything before actually saying ... hey your parents are divorced. Welcome to the world. We are only putting it off by a month. But that gives me time after the holidays to talk to her more.

 

H looked the same except a few subtle things that were different. A new shirt and a black leather bracelet.... I couldn't help but wonder if it was OW that gave him those things. I so wanted to ask, but didn't. It would have hurt too much to know the truth.

 

So, it appears that in just a matter of less than 5 months, I could be a single women ... I'm not looking forward to it yet...

.

 

Cburch hi.

 

read your post. I think

i really need to suggest to you.

STOP agreeing with him.

"Our lawyer said in his 32 years, this was the most amiable divorce he's ever seen"

 

32 years? Well if he has,he should know by now he can`t represent you both at the same time ? Or did i misread something?

 

I`m gonna skip to your last line. You still have some fight in you yet?

 

aM

[Cburch]

No, lawyer is representing me only, H is unrepresented - says so in the papers. I paid the lawyer, but we are splitting court cost. It is uncontested and cheap. That should have read "MY" lawyer or "THE" lawyer.

 

I can't NOT agree with him. He has nothing to offer. I hold all the purse strings. I was and have been for the past two years primary provider. He has agreed to give me the house (and 7 acres), no fighting, no wanting me to buy him out. He is signing quit claim deed. I have a very small mortgage but very easy on my income. He has already agreed to pay $300 more a month in child-support than the state required 21%, he wants his truck (which has a small loan - my truck is paid for), his old truck and his hunting stuff.... that's it. I get all furniture, tv, electronics, everything in the house and out. He is guilty and wants out. I only had papers drawn up and signed quickly because I don't want OW to start telling him what he should or shouldn't do. He has now signed everything and it is a legal binding document. If he wants to contest, he'll need to get his own lawyer and pay them, but he doesn't have the money to do that, heck he doesn't have the money to pay his monthly living expenses at the moment.

 

FYI - he doesn't have a full time job. He has a lawncare business that has been his primary source after workers comp & disability payments stopped. He is still working (cut grass Monday and has some mulching/cleaning type jobs) but these are individuals that are slow to pay. Right now, he has approx $1500 in unpaid invoices. Individuals are slow to pay. The business has been part-time while he worked full-time for the past 4 to 5 years (till first surgery). Now it has to grow to full-time, its going to take a while for him to get some good/consistant accounts.

 

He really does want this to be as easy as possible. He comes over and helps with things at the house. He isn't secretive about OW, but doesn't offer information or say things about her unless I bring it up. He calls DD every night or at least texts her. He's okay with mortgage staying in his name till I have established good paying time (we've had a few months of late payments because of my job loss and his income loss). The ONLY gripe I have with him is his lack of answering my text or calls. I only text when I have a question concerning house/DD/bills. Sometimes I get no answer, sometimes I get answers hours later. He says he doesn't get them all the time, or even gets my response days later when he texts me first. He's complained about this for years, but it just ticks me off. Actually I just texted him about it again not 5 mins ago. I asked how many he got and it pisses me off when he doesn't answer ... does he ignores DD or Homewreckers text too? He answered .. haha ...

[aMguilts]

No, lawyer is representing me only, H is unrepresented - says so in the papers. I paid the lawyer, but we are splitting court cost. It is uncontested and cheap. That should have read "MY" lawyer or "THE" lawyer.

 

I can't NOT agree with him. He has nothing to offer. I hold all the purse strings. I was and have been for the past two years primary provider. He has agreed to give me the house (and 7 acres), no fighting, no wanting me to buy him out. He is signing quit claim deed. I have a very small mortgage but very easy on my income. He has already agreed to pay $300 more a month in child-support than the state required 21%, he wants his truck (which has a small loan - my truck is paid for), his old truck and his hunting stuff.... that's it. I get all furniture, tv, electronics, everything in the house and out. He is guilty and wants out. I only had papers drawn up and signed quickly because I don't want OW to start telling him what he should or shouldn't do. He has now signed everything and it is a legal binding document. If he wants to contest, he'll need to get his own lawyer and pay them, but he doesn't have the money to do that, heck he doesn't have the money to pay his monthly living expenses at the moment.

 

FYI - he doesn't have a full time job. He has a lawncare business that has been his primary source after workers comp & disability payments stopped. He is still working (cut grass Monday and has some mulching/cleaning type jobs) but these are individuals that are slow to pay. Right now, he has approx $1500 in unpaid invoices. Individuals are slow to pay. The business has been part-time while he worked full-time for the past 4 to 5 years (till first surgery). Now it has to grow to full-time, its going to take a while for him to get some good/consistant accounts.

 

He really does want this to be as easy as possible. He comes over and helps with things at the house. He isn't secretive about OW, but doesn't offer information or say things about her unless I bring it up. He calls DD every night or at least texts her. He's okay with mortgage staying in his name till I have established good paying time (we've had a few months of late payments because of my job loss and his income loss). The ONLY gripe I have with him is his lack of answering my text or calls. I only text when I have a question concerning house/DD/bills. Sometimes I get no answer, sometimes I get answers hours later. He says he doesn't get them all the time, or even gets my response days later when he texts me first. He's complained about this for years, but it just ticks me off. Actually I just texted him about it again not 5 mins ago. I asked how many he got and it pisses me off when he doesn't answer ... does he ignores DD or Homewreckers text too? He answered .. haha ...

 

Hi again Cburch

 

Best thing to do? Is not to worry yourself about how long he`s taking to reply. It`s not an emergency is it?.

The silver lining in this is he isn`t contesting to anything. And you did the right thing by speeding the process up before the OW talks him to seeing things differntly.

( my spelling is bad today, just ignore it,)

 

You seem to be doing ok with what is happening?

I esp` loved the haha at the end of your post. made me smile:)

 

aM

[Cburch]

Thanks aM.... I'm doing okay. Some days better than others. But I do feel weepy all the time. Like any minute I could break out in tears. Anything and everything sets me off. I am making an appointment with counselor next week.

 

It's just even though he had the affair, I feel like I pushed him toward it. So I feel guilty also. He made attempts this summer to reconnect with me and I was so wrapped up in resentment that he didn't want to anything I wanted to do that I blew him off. (Remember I lost my job in February, this was my first summer in 22 years to do something beside work). I wanted to go to the pool or hang out with DD, he didn't. He either mowed or wanted to go to hunting leases and check out corn/deer, etc. Or he would ask that I come down to the man cave and lay on the couch with him, or watch tv. I didn't because I don't like anything he watched or he'd flip the channels so much I'd get lost. Or his personality has changed so much after his injury and job loss that I almost didn't like to be around him. He was always so much fun, so laid back, easy going. I miss that about him. Now he felt like the world owed him because he has a partial disability. I still think some of his problem was depression. When he left me the first time, he started having panic attacks, this time the combination of his circumstances and then is desire to escape the marriage caused some depression. He told when he announced he was leaving that he asked me to get him help. YES he did, but I didn't feel like 1)he needed it, or 2)why should I do it. I couldn't tell them what he was feeling. He use to talk to his lawyer and then the lawyer would call me and I'd apoligize for him and the way he talked to the lawyer. Again, his personality had changed sooooo much.

 

I was also feeling resentment because I feel like I've had to change my way of life because lack of his job, but he still has hunting stuff, cameras, trips, etc. I'd feel guilty for days after DD and I'd go see a movie or do something fun. Yet, he was ordering hunting stuff or first of August held a filming school and we paid for the food for two meals for 12 people. There is a lot of places to lay blame ... on us both. BUT, I was okay with him always putting himself first, because I always put other people first. Always letting him pick resturants or dinner. We were to a point where we were living two seperate lives. I knew it, just wasn't sure how to fix it. And with his injuries/work situation, I didn't know how to say things without sounding accusing or hurtful when I knew the situation wasn't his fault. The whole thing sucks big time.

 

I am a Christan, DH isn't, never has been. Oh, he used the G*d card to get back in the door last time he left, but I feel such an obligation to try everything before giving up. My parents have been married for 27 years. My grandparents almost 50, my g-grandparents like 60... so I feel guilty about "failing" at my marriage.

 

I don't want to sound like everything is his fault, I know that we both are at fault. I told him as much, but him having an affair is unexcusable.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

I do feel better just typing and talking. Which is one reason I'm going to a see a marriage counselor.

 

*sorry so long!

Edited November 21, 2012 by Cburch

[Steen719]

Church,

I think feeling guilty is normal and it even helps us see what changes we could have made and hopefully we will be aware of in future relationships. However, be careful not to blame yourself for the affair. That is on him and was a decision he made to deal with the problems.

 

The weepiness goes on for a while and usually there is no way around it. Go through it; it is cathartic. I was always putting my XH first, also, and it is (in hindsight) not really all that healthy, but it was my nature. He always had new ski equipment, new tools - I felt guilty buying clothes for work and usually made do. I made more money and made it for longer. Oh well.

 

One reason I responded to the post is this. I also went through with the divorce fairly quickly and my reason was because I knew he would turn on me after his guilt started lessening. I was right. He tried to come after my retirement, he wanted me to pay him alimony, said he would take my father's furniture I had and sell it, on and on, but the ink was dry and he couldn't do it.

 

Good luck. Concentrate on your daughter and take care of yourself.

[SBC]

To be fair --he did not let his affair drag on for years. He had it, and I think it signaled to him the true end to your marriage. He called it from there. Does he feel guilt? Of course, but he did not set out to deceive you repeatedly. So I am not sure it is "inexcusable"

 

So in my opinion, I would be careful with using that particular incidence as the defining moment of this marriage. Its not fair, because what brought you to that moment was a series of individual and mutually damaging of moments committed on the marriage by both of you --this was just the final one, not necessarily the worst one and certainly not worse than the combination of all those that went before.

 

Care for yourself and for your daughter, but try to have compassion for him in deciding what you will leave him with, especially if most of the marriage was good up until then.

 

Normally it is custom to say something like, "I am sorry for your pain," or "I am sorry you are going through this," but I am not. What you are going through right now represents "growth" and "change" All really good things.

 

I know from my own experiences (separated three years, divorced for 1.5) that it is hard to *feel* that it is good when you are going through it, but it is true and you will all be better off by going with what what you know is right as opposed to sticking with what feels comfortable.

 

Good luck

Edited November 21, 2012 by SBC

[Cburch]

Church,

I think feeling guilty is normal and it even helps us see what changes we could have made and hopefully we will be aware of in future relationships. However, be careful not to blame yourself for the affair. That is on him and was a decision he made to deal with the problems.

 

One reason I responded to the post is this. I also went through with the divorce fairly quickly and my reason was because I knew he would turn on me after his guilt started lessening. I was right. He tried to come after my retirement, he wanted me to pay him alimony, said he would take my father's furniture I had and sell it, on and on, but the ink was dry and he couldn't do it.

 

Good luck. Concentrate on your daughter and take care of yourself.

 

Thanks for responding. It's a fine line, I do blame him for the affair. I told him I will take fault in the problems we had, but not for that. That's all on him.

H has never mentioned my retirement or 401K and I didn't bring it up. He wants the divorce and can't pay for his own lawyer, then he does it my way. BUT, he is withdrawing his 401K from previous job (because it has lost almost $15000 in the past 2 years - and against my better judgement) and he is splitting it with me.... again guilt. He knows I need to catch up on a few bills and this will help do it. I kept telling him we'll have to pay taxes and he's having it taken out of the payout. I still don't want him to do it, but I think he feels its the only way he can get ahead right now.

[Cburch]

H just confirmed that OW is living with him. I promise not in a million years would I ever see myself in this situation. And I would have never thought he would do it. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and have the papers filed Monday, part of me (the mad part) wants to keep him in limbo with homewrecker for months and months.... happy crapping thanksgiving to me!

[Cburch]

This has been the worse Thanksgiving ever. After finding out that OW is living with H, it went down hill. I have spent at least 24 of the last 36 hours crying. I am so terribly sad. I think I've finally started the grieving process. I went through denial for a while, even after confirming OW, but to know that she is living with him only totally confirming that there is so little chance for us reconciling that I feel like my heart is literally breaking into pieces. I guess through this past 7 weeks I have kept hope that we could reconcile, but he keeps making decisions that will make it so very hard. From what I understand, most of my feelings are very normal, but I've never ever thought of suicide till Wednesday night, I just hurt so bad. But knowing that I'd be leaving DD alone was enough to pull me away from the edge.

 

So, for those with WAS and OW/OS how do you handle? How do you keep going? How much do let your kids know you are hurting. My DD knows I'm sad, but I'm really keeping those deep crying fits from her. She wasn't home when I confirmed OW living with H, I went a little crazy... tore up some pictures, broke picture frames, cleared off his dresser (we have 3 bedrooms and he kept his clothes in spare so he could have more space - which still looks like he lives here, he just took essentials when he left.)

 

H came over yesterday morning for brunch, prearranged. I left him a voicemail Wed night asking him to bring me the money he owes me, $200 he borrowed and $600 child support, since he could buy a new 40' TV (which he lied about when I asked if had bought - I confirmed when I logged into his email) So of course he said he was paying $22 a month for the TV. I said that's fine, but you owe me money and that I would pay his truck ins and cell phone through the end of the month and then he needs to figure out what to do. He wanted this and he needs to figure it all out. I also told him I have lost total respect for him. I couldn't believe he was shacking up with wh**e. But I wasn't going to argue about it. And he was right, DD wouldn't be spending the night with him while she was there. What else hurts so much is that he knows how I feel about this and is putting OW first and DD second. I want DD and H to have a good relationship and he doesn't realize he is destroying that by putting OW first.

 

I thought it was strange that after confrontation Wednesday night about OW living with him, he sends me a text at 4:57am Thursday morning saying he has been up since 2:05 am with flu like symptoms. This is the third time in less than 3 months that this has happened. The first was right before he left. 2nd was right before he left for hunting trip and we had confrontation re: OW and then again after another confrontation Wednesday re: OW. I just keep thinking this is his body's way of dealing with his bad decisions. The first time he left me (2002) he had severe panic attacks for months (even ended up in hospital twice thinking he was having heart attack at 33). Then after leaving they went away. I believe his flu like symptoms and his panic attacks have something to do with his guilt, his decisions going against his morals, etc. Is that possible? He is losing weight and I told DD I was worried about him last night and she said they had talked about him losing weight. Like most middle-agers it would be okay for him to lose some (like 30 lbs and be okay) but he seems to have lost it very quickly... another symptom of bad decision making?

 

And part of me would love to sit down with him someplace neutral and alone and talk to him. REALLY talk. Talk about what he thinks went wrong in our marriage, if he just "fell out of love with me" or if he was so unhappy that he couldn't stand it, what I did wrong, etc. I know that's probably not a good thing right now and probably won't happen, but I think it will give me some understanding and maybe help push me along in the grieving process, because I still feel very guilty about everything.

 

I'm reading several self help books... Divorce Care daily devotion, When the Vow's Break, Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. I'm learning about the grief process, how to handle, that I'm normal, etc. But it's still so hard. I keep thinking he doesn't understand what I'm going through, but then I have to think about the fact that he walked away and I'm sure he didn't do that lightly, that he agonized over his decision too. He loves our DD and doesn't want to hurt her, but he is really only being selfish with his decision. Maybe this is a true, full blown mid-life crisis (even my mom thinks so)? He can't afford to buy anything, so what's better than buying a cheap homewrecker?

[Steen719]

So sorry, Christy. It is so hard, I know. It feels terrible, crushing. You just hurt so bad that you can't imagine feeling better, ever. Holidays are hard.

 

There are some similarities with our situations. I as married 22 years, have one child, XH was/is ill (post transplant), he still wanted sympathy, empathy from me, even after his affairs and I was devastated by the loss of a marriage that obviously meant more to me than him. My XH also does not make the right choice by his son. He is living with his gf 4 hours from here in her house. He wouldn't move out of our house and I couldn't stay with him dating. But, he is never there. He didn't even come down to see my son for father's day. He wanted my son to come up there today -4 hours there, a couple of hours with family and 4 hours back. (Son drives 5 hours in the opposite direction from college to get here). All of this for a family who never even bothers to call my son or send a card at birthdays or Christmas. My son said no, he was to get together with a bunch of friends and have their Thanksgiving dinner today, but that he could see him Saturday if he came down here where the house and our home has been. Dad texted him a day later and said he had told him that he had plans and couldn't see him then. He is a prince. Hurts son; XH is really selfish.

 

Anyway, I know how it hurts and believe me, I understand how you feel like you can dehydrate from crying so much. I am here to tell you that it will feel better. Not right away, but it will. Yesterday was so much better than last year's Thanksgiving. I was miserable for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was absolutely so low, it seemed as if I would never feel better. This year on Wednesday night, I dropped my pie and my dog and I cleaned it up. So, yesterday, I got up, went and got the things to make another one and went to put it in the oven and the oven caught fire! I called the real estate company and of course, no one could come on Thanksgiving. So, my turkey is still in the fridge and we ate the things I had already cooked by microwaving them. My point? I would take this year over last year if had to re-live it every single day. YOU WILL GET BETTER! Believe me.

 

I think your guilty feeling stems at least it part from some facet of your personality that makes you feel responsible for everything. I do that as well. You are not responsible for his decisions and for how he has decided to manage difficulties. He is. If you can, spend some time with people you love and who love you. Do some fun things with your daughter and cry all you need to when you are alone (since you don't want your daughter to see you & I agree, she is upset enough). You cannot get through it until you deal with your pain, so live it and you will feel better. Really, you will. It takes time - I hated when people told me that, but it is true.

 

My best to you. {{{Great big virtual hugs}}}

[Cburch]

Thank you so much for responding Steen. It is so hard to see happy people everywhere and all I want to do is cry. I'm trying to get in the holiday spirit but its just not there.

 

I just got all weepy because it just dawned on me that in order to cut down on monthly bills I disconnected the telephone number we've had for 21 years together. Kinda reminds me of H disconnecting from his feelings for me..... how do you do that? Just turn off 22 years of love.

 

Really. I wish i had a crystal ball and could see into the future. I'm just not ready to stop fighting yet. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I think 21 years deserves more time. He may have given up but not me.

 

One other lingering question.... and I think I know the answer. Is having an affair really about not getting what you need at home? Not really love? Is it really your spouses way of filling fullfilled because you weren't filling up their love tank? Can you start filling that love tank when seperated and H is living with OW? Is it possible?

[Cburch]

Today H came over to share deer meat he had processed from his recent kill in Kansas. H is an avid hunter and even through his workers comp and our money problems, he still found money to going on hunting trips and have leases in another state. I never questioned it, but yes, resented it. I resented the fact that while DD and I didn't get to go on vacation because I was being practical and said we didn't have the money, he was still going on yearly hunting trips. But you know what, he made him happy so I was for it. I thought "letting" him do what he wanted made him happy.

 

I think I've said this before, but I look back over the past year and see where he would reach out to me to come sit in the man cave with him or go see the hunting leases or come watch/look at deer things on the computer. I so wish I could turn back the clock and just go down there and be bored with him. Or learn to watch what he wanted to watch. I just think I was so tired of feeling like his feeling where the only ones that mattered that I turned a little part of me off and decided that I would do what I wanted to.. ie... watch what I wanted to on TV or go where I wanted. DD and I would always ask him if he wanted to go with us. He only wanted to go if we were going to his favorite restaurant.

 

Anyways, yesterday we went to H's father's house. I took DD because they wanted to see her. Of course H didn't come, had to go get his deer meat. It was nice. MIL told DD she was sorry that her dad was making stupid decisions and that she was always here for us. She is such a good source of advice. She doesn't always side with one person or the other, she is very neutral. See, H's father cheated on his mother and married the OW, which is current wife. They've been married for probably 30 years. I think this is why H thinks it will work with his OW, because it worked with his Dad. BUT, his Dad also cheated on current wife and when she threatened to leave he pull a gun and threatened to kill himself. H had to call stepmom and tell her what was going on. See... this is why I NEVER thought H would cheat on me. Because he's had it rough with his Dad. But he was young when Dad cheated on bio-mom and it didn't impact him as much as it impacted his older brother, who still holds a grudge against Dad ... why don't cheating spouses think about how these things impact their children, which are suppose to be the most important thing in their lives!!!!

 

Anyways, I started the morning off by going through some of H's old checking account papers, trying to figure out where some money has gone. I discovered that he bought flower on our anniversary and they didn't go to me. He also went shopping about 10 days later to Bath & Body Work, Goody's and had dinner... a little shopping trip with OW. It just made me so mad, but I resisted texting or calling him. When he came over with deer meat, I answered questions, but basically ignored him. Then I went downstairs to put up Christmas stuff and let him and DD talk. He yelled down and ask if I needed any help carrying stuff up stairs. I said no, I could get it. Then he left. He spent about 30 mins with us/DD.

 

I told DD about OW living at H's new place. She was surprised but then again, kinda not. We talked about things. I told her more than I probably should have, including one of the reasons I didn't want her about OW is because she is a recovering addict. DD said how do you know she's not still doing it. I said exactly why I don't want you around her. DD said well, she'd also probably say something she shouldn't too her. But DD also told me that she told her dad about some stuff that happened between me and DD a couple Friday's ago. I got upset because she accused me of being in H's business and I started crying, getting very upset telling her I'm not being noisy, I cared and miss my bestfriend. She told H and he just said sorry. DD couldn't believe how uncaring he was about it. DD said she wanted to talk to her dad, but was afraid she'd end up cussing at him and she knows that wouldn't be good. I just kept telling her I'm sorry, but she said it wasn't my fault. It was her dads. I also told her that I thought as soon as we divorced that he would get remarried. It could tell that upset her. But I wanted her to be prepared. DD knows what Dad is doing is wrong. She's a smart girl. And she is being so strong. I worry about her though not really dealing with her feelings. She is like me and we are good at burying our heads in the sand.

 

This afternoon as been better. I sent H a text and asked if he would be willing to sit down and talk with me when I was ready. He said yes if it wasn't a bi*ch session. I made a few smart a$$ remarks and finally said, come on take a joke, I won't b*tch, I promise. He said yea right. I said whatever, either agree to it or not. He said he would, but he would leave if it turns into a b*tch session. I said scared? He said nope, just not going to listen to b*tching, what's happened has happened. My answer back was "yea I know. I live with it everyday". I just think he owes it to me to talk about things, our marriage mostlly. I feel like he's made the decisions and didn't give me anytime to talk about it with him. He had his mind made up with he told me he was leaving. I guess to me if you are going to end 21 years of marriage, it should be a little bit of discussion about it. Not arguing or yelling, just discussion. I have some questions and things I want to learn. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice... and if we do happen to reconcile, I want to make sure I change things. I can't talk to him now, I'm still too raw regarding OW living with him. And I really want to see marriage counselor before talking to him, but at least he said he would talk to me?? And shared deer meat ... I guess that's a good day.

[Cburch]

So yesterday (11/26/12) and I was determined to have a good day. I did cry a little in the morning before getting ready for work. Then I said to myself, shape up... life could be worse. You could have a terminal illness, DD could have a terminal illness, parents could be sick, parents could die, etc.. I just looking for anything to make my situation seem like it's not the worse things in the world.

 

I had a good day ... really did. I was resolved. I made an appointment with counselor, had dinner with DD, her BF and her parents. It was an okay day. I've realized that I can't be responsbile for H anymore. He is a big boy, making big boy mistakes that will haunt him the rest of his life. I can't control or read his mind. I need to work on me and eventually I'll be able to have a rational conversation with him, because I REALLY need that.

 

Today, so far, not a good day. I opened a bank statement thinking it was a loan statement. It showed that H is still lying to me. He is paying "rent" for the house he is living in, he had a payment from a customer and lied and told me he didn't. He does not have a job...... which he did make a point to tell me yesterday afternoon that he is still looking with no luck, he had 2 places tell him they wouldn't hire him because of his medical restrictions. I'm just so sick of the lies. Everytime I turn around he is lying about something else. Right now, that's what hurts my heart.

 

So, I'm seeing a counselor today. Wish me luck. I'm sure I'll be a babbling idiot, but I'm sure he is use to it!

[bpdr]

So yesterday (11/26/12) and I was determined to have a good day. I did cry a little in the morning before getting ready for work. Then I said to myself, shape up... life could be worse. You could have a terminal illness, DD could have a terminal illness, parents could be sick, parents could die, etc.. I just looking for anything to make my situation seem like it's not the worse things in the world.

 

Cburch - After reading your story - one cannot help but detect a deep sense of despair regarding your M. You seem like such a good and kind minded woman, that I could not help but notice some of the subtle things you indeed do - to salvage a fleeting, and obviously gone awry M to a man who as NO interests in saving his M. You are hurting. That is so very apparent, and I can tell you honestly that I feel it. Like you, I went through the holidays in utter complete despair. But, I am still here and living. I'm not dying over a woman whom has cheated with the OM on me - and seemingly does not care ONE IOTA of concern about me or the kids. It's over for us.

 

Now, back to you...

 

IMO you have virtually swung into action to actively pursue answers. I commend you on that and would only suggest that you begin to throttle back on that. This is from a males perspective. So, don't feel as if I am being harsh - rather just plain truthful. These matters of the heart are extremely delicate and I know you have tried everything possible to gain closure of some kind.

 

I am here to tell you, you will not get closure from him. His guilt is his demon on his back. He does not think about it. Instead, his motives are more clearly defined by "What his Future" holds now. Not you or your daughter. That is NOT to say he does not love you both, and feels badly about what he has done - but rather the OW is now his primary focus in life.

 

For a man - it is exciting and refreshing to have a "Doting" new woman affording you affections. There is nothing more rewarding than that - when a man feels that he has been stagnated over the years not realizing what he has been missing. I speak from experience - but NOT from a similar situation as yours. I had actually been divorced for nearly 13 years, happy and single when my W came into the picture. She rallied my affections for the better half of two years - and I finally caved in and married her. Huge Mistake!

 

Your situation is heartbreaking. But, I am here to tell you - that your hopes of ever receiving closure on it, at least until the D is done are next to zero. I say this because, while he is "On The Hunt" appeasing this new OW -- he has ZERO concern about you and the DD and has most likely already emotionally checked out of the M long before it ever came to this. I'm so sorry to say that, as I know precisely just how much you are hurting right now, and trust me when I say the grieving process is real - and WE ALL at LS know this much all too well.

 

Which leads me to the next phase of advice to you. It's HARDBALL time baby. You will HAVE to be STRONG NOW. No more Mrs. Nice Guy. This CREEP has FORSAKEN his VOWS to YOU! No more questioning HIS MOTIVES.

 

You're focus is on you now. F*CK him. He can suck it. Do not let one more tear fall down your cheek without at least considering what you MUST do now. Forget him. For he is already gone. He made his choice - and now he must live with it. Put your foot down this time. Go NC on his ass - and let him deal with your attorney to get custodial visitation - and make it supervised.

 

he has NOT afforded you the common courtesy of respect. Had he ANY respect for you - he would have broke off the M first. This Horse S**T of "Feathering" his nest to bring in the OW was a very planned event. I'm quite certain that he had been making preparations for it for quite some time.

 

Either way - now you have to play hardball. DO NOT fall victim to gaining "Answers" or otherwise. YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER PLAIN AND CLEAR! He's with her. NOT YOU! Somehow, that is what he has already decided. And I am sure he feels guilty about it. He's gonna regret it. But, he won't if you continue to consider getting closure on it. To him ---> That's annoying. You have become a BURDEN for wanting answers - and worse yet reconciling. He doesn't give a RATS $ss about you if he is doing this. He is still in the midst of a honeymoon FOG that cannot and will NOT clear until the virus has run it's course.

 

The very BEST you can hope for now - is make it tough for him. Make him doubt his decision. Go NC complete, at the very minimum LC for the sake of the child. Show him you will NOT put up with his crap. And go even one step further - and drop "NEW MAN IN MY LIFE BOMBS" at him. Go NUCLEAR!

 

That will rattle his state of mind. He's going for gusto with the OW now. The ONLY thing that will work now - is sweet revenge now baby. Trust me.

 

This is not merely a case of a simple domestic dispute. He is CLEARLY cheating on you and your M. Go NC and D on him - and perhaps he will come out of it - and realize the err of his ways. Men, are really not complicated creatures. Sometimes - they just have to WAKE TFCK UP!

 

Your story infuriates me for TWO reasons;

A) I wish I had a woman that appreciated me like you do him.

B) I feel as if you are left holding a broken heart AND picking up the pieces.

 

Settle for NO LESS than complete honesty from him in the future. Set your boundaries HARD. Because, when the OW is gone....he will come moping back. I assure you that.

 

Hoping all the very best to you...Good Luck!

BP

 

P.S. Go ahead and start hanging out with friends and talking to other dudes. That will be the RX for your success here.

[2sunny]

So - we know he now lies and hides his money from you.

 

Are you sure he isn't he one doing drugs now?

 

His behavior sounds like its possible!

 

I wouldn't speak to him or see him at all!!! It's a waste of your time and energy because he will only give you MORE lies to cover up his bad behavior!

 

The man you USED to know is completely gone - know that!

 

Treat him as such = a complete stranger!

 

Let your daughter deal with him directly but stay away from any contact to ensure you move forward more quickly!

 

Hugs!

[Cburch]

BP & Sunny ... THANK YOU! Very wise words of advice. I had a long reply typed, but I'm at work and I keep getting getting kick off...

 

Here's the quick ... NO BP your words were not harsh, they were very well said and much appreciated. YES, I need to work on me and move on. There is a lot more to that answer and maybe tonight I can journal it. I am seeing a counselor starting tomorrow (not cheap $85 a session, but worth it I suppose - at least we will see). Yes, I miss my H and our marriage. I am hurting and I can't shove that under the rug. I know that time heals all wounds, so I guess I have that on my side. Unfortuntely, my mind won't turn off when I need it to. I constantly think about what ifs... what if I had did this differently, or done it this way, OR what if OW gets pregnant (OMG, I'll totally loose it!). What if he does want to come back, what if I can't let him, because right now I don't think I could ever trust him again. What if I'm alone forever (I'm not alone person, went from Mom & Dad's house to married life... and although I'm an introvert, I need people 60% of the time to make me happy). What if this adversely affect DD and her life (my biggest worry honestly). And then there is the I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN fear ... dating, UGH! I'm not up for that at 41 years old!!! I see so many of my friends that are single and have been for a while. I don't want to grow old alone!

 

Sunny, IDK if H is using or not. I don't suspect so, but maybe. He already drank a lot (has our entire marriage, but not to the drunken state) and would be consider an alcoholic by many, but it didn't bother me. I've heard OW "straightened" up, but IDK that either. As far as the money, yes he lied about getting paid, but his ending balance (which I neglected to check) was -.20 ... he has a negative balance right now or did. That makes me laugh.

 

I hate the range of emotions. From being very pissy and wanting bad things to happen to him, to being so very sad to missing him so bad my chest literally hurts. This too shall pass .... I pray!

 

BP

"Your story infuriates me for TWO reasons;

A) I wish I had a woman that appreciated me like you do him.

B) I feel as if you are left holding a broken heart AND picking up the pieces."

 

Thank you .. you have said something that really means a lot to me. Not even knowing me, you can see that I'm not a spiteful mean person. What I think is funny is that H has competely cut himself off from his old life. He doesn't frequent the bar EVER that he and OW met at. He doesn't see old friends and the reason is ... EVERYONE WILL TELL HIM HOW STUPID HE IS FOR LEAVING ME! And he knows it. All this friends told him how great he had it at home. I didn't care what he did or when or how ... etc, I let him be him and didn't try to control him. And the reason, I didn't want and he didn't control me. I LET him control me by my actions of always doing what he wanted to do but it got to a point sometimes that even I didn't do that. But he never told me I couldn't do something, it was usually us wanting to do something and then changing to what he wanted to do. But honestly, his cousin said he's been looking for him at the bar, another mutal older women friend that loves him like a son is looking for him. He avoids places where people are going to tell him how stupid he is!

 

 

And Yes, my heart is in a million pieces and it feels like it will never be whole again... will it?

 

Thanks again for your words ... they made me smile, honestly, I laughed out loud!

 

 

BTW... still too soon to date, but I was checking out men at the high school BB game last night .. can always look! HAHA

Edited November 28, 2012 by Cburch

[Cburch]

Okay, H signed Quit Claim Deed for house yesterday. Instead of telling him to bring it to the house, I told him to give it to DD and let her bring it to me (he picked her up at school). YEAH me! One step forward ... one step toward LC. We did talk on the phone, but because of DD and "drama" she was having. Last night he text and asked question regarding lawncare customer address (he could have found the information himself, whatever I answered). Then I told him that he didn't have the notary notarize in the all the places, so he has to come back today and pick up papers again and have her notarize another spot. Then that was it. No small talk, I didn't ask about job search, didn't ask about how he was feeling (he's been sick) ... so I'm really trying ...... And honestly, since our living arrangements in the past year has been so weird, I miss him, but then I don't. I miss having him around to run too and share things with or send a quick text/call him ... I really miss walking in the house or walking out in the morning and not kissing him/saying bye or walking in say "hey H ... we're home... etc". Maybe it's just getting easier not having him around.

 

What is HARD is fixating on what he is doing with OW. Knowing that he is in dating phase with her and they are going out, she's cooking him dinner, they are sleeping together (remember he hasn't slept in the bed with me in over 2 years because of injuries ... how is he doing that with her?) and then of course ... they are SLEEPING together. Then I think about Christmas, what will he get her, how great will their christmas together be? While mine will suck. I hadn't really thought about what I was going to get H, a new Jacket, something hunting related he wanted, etc. For our 20 year anniversary (last year) he got me a REALLY NICE Canon Camera with extra lens, then for Christmas he got me a NOOK color, probably 2 of the best presents he's ever gotten me. I hold on to the fact that I got great gifts from him last year.

 

I'm trying to make the house Christmasy, maybe just to hit him with what he is missing. I'm sure OW has a Christmas tree. I found out last night that she's been divorced around 4 1/2 years. A friend of mine said H had to move her in to help pay for 1/2 of house expenses. She does at least work.

 

H has been looking for a job. Something I wanted to scream at him to do the whole time he was living at home, but I didn't. He's going to use the excuse that nobody will hire him with his restriction .. he's going to keep telling me he doesn't have CS ... it's going to be a vicious cycle, I can already tell. I just don't understand what he is thinking. What is going through his mind.

 

I have to admit I woke up crying this morning. I specifically remember waiting up one night for him to get home from "job" at bar, but falling asleep on the couch. He came in and woke me up and it was late, like 2:00am. I vagely remember him NOT smelling like smoke and really not thinking anything about it. Just thinking they must not have had the normal crew at the bar that night since he didn't totally stink. It just hurt to know that he was with her and had lied to me. Then it I remembered another time that he was REALLY late getting home and I had been calling wanting him to come home. He got home like 3:30am and said he had to take one of the owners home because he was too drunk and it was 30 mins from our house and 15 min from bar. Again, I think he smelled like smoke but I can't remember, I just know that he lied to me that night too. I just know he did. He was with her... that hurts the most right now.

 

Thanks for listening. Hopefully more journaling soon!

Edited November 29, 2012 by Cburch

[GuyInLimbo]

 

And Yes, my heart is in a million pieces and it feels like it will never be whole again... will it?

 

Of course it will.

 

BTW... still too soon to date, but I was checking out men at the high school BB game last night .. can always look! HAHA

 

Yes, def still too soon. But, keep your options open!

[Steen719]

What is HARD is fixating on what he is doing with OW. Knowing that he is in dating phase with her and they are going out, she's cooking him dinner, they are sleeping together (remember he hasn't slept in the bed with me in over 2 years because of injuries ... how is he doing that with her?) and then of course ... they are SLEEPING together. Then I think about Christmas, what will he get her, how great will their christmas together be? While mine will suck. I hadn't really thought about what I was going to get H, a new Jacket, something hunting related he wanted, etc. For our 20 year anniversary (last year) he got me a REALLY NICE Canon Camera with extra lens, then for Christmas he got me a NOOK color, probably 2 of the best presents he's ever gotten me. I hold on to the fact that I got great gifts from him last year.

 

You know, for some reason, the gifts for 22 years have weighed heavily on my mind. I gave him and received many great gifts from him and I have NO idea why, but that has eaten at me. (I also have a NOOK from him - lol) I have also wondered about what he gives his gf, what they do, etc., but that has really decreased and you will find that gets better than it is right now.

 

She got a liar who won't work. I would think she won't find that appealing for too long and come to think of it, you probably won't either.

[aMguilts]

whats a NOOK?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

nook/no͝ok/

 

Noun:A corner or recess, esp. one offering seclusion or security: "the nook beside the fire".

[Cburch]

A Nook is an electronic reading device, like the Kindle or simlar to an iPad. The newer Nooks are a lot like an iPad. You can surf the internet, play games and read.

 

 

Steen .... thank you. I met with a couselor yesterday. She was nice. It was the first visit so a little awkward. Anyways, although I'm not 100% sure I want or can take H back, I know I don't want him with OW. Counselor listened and said that H is not in a good place in his life and that all he is doing is taking his pain and problems with him into the new relationship and it won't last. My prayer is that it won't because although I am mad at H for what he has done, I still love and care about him and want him to be geninuely happy. I really wish he could see that being single would give him time that he needs to do some real soul searching without the pressures of a new relationship. But that is his choice, not mine!

 

Tonight is my company Christimas Party. I'll be one of the single girls ... not fun! But I did do some shopping last night and got a few new shirts and one is "going" out shirt ... maybe soon I'll feel like going out! But hey, at least I bought it ... and believe me it's something that H would never believe I'd wear. Get all sexy and make him drool ... hahaha!

[Cburch]

This weekend I had very little contact with H. I called Friday when I realized he didn't take the right deed paper for the house, quick convo. One text from H Friday night, I responded about 7 hours later; One text from me Saturday asking about grass killer; nothing Sunday and then yesterday he texts me to tell me that he received 401K payout and would leave me a check this morning. I did remind him that his cell phone number has been released and told him if I were him I'd shop around for ins for truck. Then nicely let him know that if we had to pay income taxes for this year, he is responsible for 1/2. I wanted him to know that he needed to save his money to help pay.

He did leave me the deed signed and notarized, but also left me a bank paper to take my name off one of the accounts he used. I'm perplexed and don't want to sign right now. So I left it blank and will sign it when I feel like it.

 

I know that it was mean not to sign it, but I just don't want to yet. All he has to do is change the address and I won't get the statements, but till we are divorced, I'm not sure I feel comfortable taking my name off the account. What happens if something bad happens to him and I need to access the account? He was going to be the sole owner (no OW), but it just doesn't feel right yet. I don't want his money, I want him to pay me as agreed, but I'm not going to "take" his money.