is this verbal or emotional abuse?

[moimeme]

If he doesn't like it, then he can get off his duff, and help you with it.

 

Amen to that.

[Samson]

i feel sad samson that you think because there are two sides that his side is better or more accurate then mine as that is how it sounds that you are thinking.

 

No Doubt.

 

Certainly we all want to ignore the other side's story as moimeme tends to do. It is the easy way to plead the only case that is heard:

 

moimeme, thank you so much for pleading my case but it is senseless to continue when someone has already drawn a conclusion and does not budge.

 

And while my posts seem to have been protrayed as taking "his side," unfortuneately, there is not one shread of evidence that I belive "his side" is anymore "good" than your own. In fact, the only thing I've noted are your own remarks, and your own responsability for feeling the way that you do.

 

I would also point out that there seems to be a preconceived notion that husbands must exhibit behavior that will qualify the as "husband of the year" OR "bossman." There is no grey area in this spectrum. Either you will be thrilled beyond your expectations (unlikely) or you will be frustrated and depressed.

 

Get Real, saralynn.

[saralynn]

well i do know what the problem is, it is that we have differences of opinions, it is that simple, yet that complicated. here is another example of how things go:

today i was filling up the dogs water dish and some spashed on the floor, not much but there was a tiny bit. i continued to feed the dogs and the cats and went into the livingroom and was mulling over some bills.

 

he came into the kitchen and said the floor was sticky. my thinking that was i knew it was wet, not real wet, just a few drops or so, nothing to mop up anyways. so i told him it was wet from the water, and he said no it is sticky, and i said well i just filled up the water bowl and some water splashed on the floor.

 

then he started yelling at me that why am i trying to engage him in an arguement? i was not even trying to engage him in anything, i was simply clarifying to him that there was water there and maybe that was what he was feeling.

 

so that set the tone off for my day now. then he goes and takes a shower and comes out like nothing happened while i am sitting there feelng hurt and mystified that he thinks i wanted to engage him in an arguement. why on earth would i want to do that? it is those ways of his thinking that cause arguements because then i defend myself and then it looks even more so like i do want to argue.

 

you know i know what the problem is as i said before, i know what to do to avoid the problems we have, yet i feel i do enough to keep the house clean and if he sees it as unclean and i see it as clean then where is the compromise here?

 

i dusted this whole place and vacuumed it last week and now it is due again and i will do that without any problems. i have no problems cleaning this house, but am tired of trying to clean it to his standards when we both see it different ways anyways.

 

i am not looking for him to be husband of the year by any means, i just want some communication from him when he wants to tell me something that he is unhappy with. i want it in the form of talking to me, not barking orders at me, not insulting me, not putting me down, not calling me names, not insulting me, how bout just old fashioned asking or talking in a nice calm rational voice?

 

the abuse that i speak of is verbal, maybe not qualified as abuse, but it is very angry words that he uses when he is mad at me, when to be more effective would be to just talk to me and ask me nicely, that would go so much further then yelling and insults. is that asking too much?

 

he does not think he asks too much either and he doesnt' it is just the way he asks it which is by using anger to control me and that only back fires.

[Matilda]

Hi saralynn,

 

I can relate to a lot of what you have described in your relationship with your boyfriend. I think the problem is in the relationship, and that you are not depressed, although I think you are depressed about your relationship. If you went and got anti-depressants or therapy to make you feel better, you would still have a bad relationship.

 

I also am not the greatest housekeeper. I keep the house clean, and keep the main living areas neat, but there is a lot of clutter, especially in the bedrooms. I have improved my housekeeping skills over the years, and realize that a house needs to be clean for health reasons, and I really don't like a dirty house either. Clutter doesn't bother me too much, although one day I will just get sick of it and do a massive clean up.

 

I have just accepted that I will never be June Cleaver, Martha Stewart, or any other sort of domestic queen. My talents and interests lie elsewhere. I will do what I have to, to keep the house clean and basically tidy, and that's about it.

 

I am married for the second time. I don't work, but I do have 3 kids, one of whom has a serious disability, and I spend the majority of my time caring for him. Before my husband and I married, I told him that I was not the greatest housekeeper, and he said that's okay, that's not the most important thing to me. I know he would like a cleaner house, but he has never once said anything to me about it, and just because he hasn't, I try to keep the house clean for him.

 

I know that it is my job to clean house, and do the domestic chores, since I am here all day, and I accept full responsibility for it, and do it. My husband works all day, but he still does things around the house too. He does his own laundry, and he cleans up after dinner. He does not expect me to be his mother.

 

I was married once before. In that marriage, I worked, and my salary supported my husband, my daughter, and myself. My first husband did several things during that time, worked some, went to school some, but never made enough money to contribute greatly to our finances. In that marriage, I was responsible for finances, responsible for our child, and responsible for the housekeeping, even though my husband worked less than I did.

 

My first husband expected to be cared for. The last night we were together, he was physically abusive to me because I had not done his laundry. He left that night, I told him to go, and that was that. (We had been through counseling before we got to that point.) I can still remember what a huge relief it was when he left. I then had only one child to take care of, instead of 2.

 

I think there are a couple of issues here, basically the same things moi and RR said. The 2 of you are having big communication, compatibility problems. I think you can try to fix them, but they may not be able to be fixed.

 

Some women like to have a very neat house, and like to care for their husbands, as in cater to their every need, I am not one of those women. My husband (husband #2) does not want a woman like that, and he takes responsiblity for himself. In this way we are very compatible.

 

Also, hubby #2 and I do not like to fight, we do not like to yell, and are very sensitive when others yell at us. Hubby # 1, on the other hand, came from a yelling, loud family, and never understood when I got upset when he yelled at me. I have always been very sensitive to yelling, and feel like crying whenever it happens. I'm not saying this is one of my better qualities, but it's the way it is. Some people tolerate yelling better than others. In many families, yelling is just the way conflicts are resolved and doesn't mean much. This is the way it was in my ex's family. I couldn't tolerate it though. So the next time I got married, I realized that, and married a man that doesn't yell. We are again, very compatible in that way.

 

I think you do have some work to do on yourself. I think you should spend some time figuring out who you are, and what you can tolerate and what you can't. If you want to stay in this relationship, you are going to have to learn how to deal with your partner's criticism. You are also going to have to learn how to communicate. I would say he will have to be interested in learning how to do that, if your relationship is going to work. Do you think he is interested?

 

If your partner is unwilling to change, then you have 2 choices. Change your own behaviors to accomodate him , or decide that these are behaviors you are unwilling or unable to change, and then leave the relationship.

[saralynn]

thank you matilda for the insights. have you ever just felt paralyzed to do anything? such an awful feeling you know? i am having such a bad day that i want to sit and cry instead of doing anything. i have been up since 6:00 and have accomplished nothing but some breakfast and a shower and i need to get out and do somethings today but for some reason i feel so paralyzed with fear to go anywhere.

 

i feel such confusion in my heart and my head that that is making life so miserable. some voice in my head keeps telling me it just does not want to be here any longer then another voice echos how much i love this guy, oh the pain of both is driving me insane and i kid you not.

 

 

i am happy for you that you have found someone that can simply appreciate your efforts instead of trying to make you always inprove your efforts. our place is also more cluttered then anything, it is small for us and we want to find a bigger place and are looking but so far nothing.

 

this place is clutter and dark and makes it look dirtier then it really is and that keeps him thinking that it is dirty. when he comes home i want him to show me just where it is so dirty that he has to have this fit about it, if he can show me then maybe i can clean that but we have such different opinions of both that that is a problem in it's self.

 

maybe this could be comical if it did not hurt so much. i think he would be willing to learn how to communicate, as awkward as it may feel for us both, i see that it is very important for us both as well.

[ladyangel]

Your nickname wouldn't happen to be zingy, would it?

 

Something smells familiar here.

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you know right now i wish i WAS anyone else besides my self. i keep having these login problems it wont let me login but it says i am logged in but when go to enter a message it says i have to login