Lost

[Gofsttrnlft]

I just joined this forum for reasons that will be apparent in this post. I just feel very lost and could use some guidance from those of you who have dealt with what I am going through. I thank you in advance for any support or suggestions.

 

I caught my wife of 12 years and what I concidered my best friend a couple of nights ago having unprotected sex at his house at a party he had invited us to. There was many hours of alcohol consumption involved which probably made things easier for them. My wife did not show any remorse initially, and I have yet to even see her cry as a result of this "mistake". She has apologized repeatedly, begged me not to leave her, and has stated she will do whatever it takes to keep us together.

 

I have found out through conversations with her and from our group of friends that this had been going on for awhile and had started at my house. Many of them knew what they were planning and did not tell me. Both times they have been together sexually happened when I was in the same area as them. I dont get that?

 

The things I am struggling with right now are:

 

I love her.

I cannot forsee having sex with her again.

I dont see much of a difference in starting over with her or just starting over.

She is telling me that I didnt do anything to cause this that it was just for the excitment of it.

 

I am going to stop here as I have so much funneling through my brain right now and I want to stay on task. She has offered to go to counseling and get checked for STD's. Past that I dont know what to do. Frankly I dont care how she feels right now and am struggling with my own feelings of betrayal etc.

 

By the way, I am having an angry day. Thank you for listening.

[PYTpisces]

Counseling with a professional. Together if you're both willing and definitely on your own. This is major in my opinion and should be dealt with accordingly.

[Bito]

My heart sinks every time i read a post like this. I hope you can overcome this life changing event. Seek out help as this kind of emotional damage can be grueling. I can only imagine after 12 years of marriage what pain you must be enduring.

 

I recommended leaving as you will never trust her again. She never even considered you when she engaged in this reckless behavior. She only cares for herself.

 

I wish you the best

 

-Bito

 

 

Edit: Do you have kids?

[spaniard]

You were betrayed by your wife, your best friend and your other friends as well. God, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you right now.

 

If I were you, I would leave her in a freakin' heartbeat. What she did... well, it cannot be forgiven.

[YorickBrown]

My heart sinks every time i read a post like this. I hope you can overcome this life changing event. Seek out help as this kind of emotional damage can be grueling. I can only imagine after 12 years of marriage what pain you must be enduring.

 

I recommended leaving as you will never trust her again. She never even considered you when she engaged in this reckless behavior. She only cares for herself.

 

I wish you the best

 

-Bito

Edit: Do you have kids?

 

I think "Lost" would not begin to describe what the original OP is feeling or in a state of being (it'll be the understatement at this point)...Perhaps, "Raging" or "Losing it" would be a better description.

 

And he caught them "in the act"?!? and his so-called friends were even on it??? WTF!?? See....this is why I don't really believe in "marriage" anymore (not because it promotes or fixes..uhmm...i dunno what it fixes actually)....it just seems to "complicate" everything when clusterf*cks like this happen....And this is also why I feel so strongly of carrying a 9MM (I have a Walther P99) and you're in a relationship or worse, married....I'm liable to just put two shots to the muthaf*cka's dick and my wife's/gf's vajajay....and I'll probably "get away" with it. As for their "conspirators'....they'll probably need to check their party venues and parked cars for C4 the next time they have a "party".

 

Of course, that's just me.

 

PS: Of course, I understand everything kinda "changes" when there are kids involved...I guess that's why Bito asked.

[Exit]

Sorry for what you are going through. "Sorry" doesn't really even say enough. I can't imagine how it feels. I've felt some great betrayal before but nothing like this.

 

Really I only wanted to chime in after reading that line you wrote that you don't see a difference between starting over with her or just starting over. Depending on how someone reads that, it either sounds like you are making a case for just leaving her behind and moving on (good), or you're making a case that you might as well stay with her because either way you have to start over (bad). If you meant it that 2nd way and you feel like you might as well stay with her... I hope you will reconsider. Obviously you have a lot of thinking to do and nothing is set in stone yet. But this does not sound like one of those situations where you both should get some counseling and try to fix it. She doesn't deserve you after what she did. So yes, there is a HUGE difference between starting over with her or starting over alone. Giving her a chance to start over would be very disrespectful to yourself. Do not sell yourself short by saying there's no difference between starting over with her or moving on. Only one of those choices involves pretending that a very important person in your life did not commit the ultimate betrayal.

 

But as someone else asked, whether or not the two of you had any kids is a very important factor in the decision.

 

You are more than entitled to have an "angry day". You deserve an angry month or even an angry year. I just hope you can try to find some healthy outlets for all the emotions you're going to be feeling as you go through this.

[Gofsttrnlft]

Thank you all for your kind responses. So far all I can say is that the hits keep on coming...

 

To answer a few questions, yes we do have kids but they are all 19-24 yrs old and only one lives at home. We do not have any children that are mutual to the relationship, and the daughter living at home is the wife's but has not known a dad other than me. She is also the reason I have not left my home yet as she is having major problems dealing with this and I don't want her to struggle alone. All of my children are disgusted and angry.

 

Exit, I think I actually meant it the second way but after reading your post I now like the first way better. Thank you for opening my eyes up to that!

 

I have considered counseling and most of the counselors here are booked for weeks already. I am not sure what is going on out there... I don't have a huge friend base, obviously, so at this moment I am still just plugging along by myself. The so called friends that knew about it have added up over the past couple of days, but I still have a couple left that didn't like him anyway.

 

As many of you can imagine I feel literally crushed by all of this, and it is overwhelming to say the least. Thank you again for your comments, I hope all is well for each and every one of you. Have a good Thanksgiving.

[Exit]

Well it's nice of you to be worried about how the daughter is handling this but make sure that you account for your own wounds as well and do not stay in the home if it is going to cause you more pain. You can still be a support for the daughter if she wishes without having to physically be there. You don't have to walk out the door and never speak to the other family members again. If you think it's best and easiest for you to stay put now that's fine but if you find yourself wishing you could get out of there and ONLY stay because you don't want to leave the daughter on her own, just remember that you have to take care of yourself as well.

 

Thanks for the clarification about the comment you made earlier. I had a sneaky feeling you meant it in that "second way", that you were implying you might as well just stay with this woman because you have to start over anyway.

 

You are definitely in a unique situation since upon catching her she did not just say "yes it's over and I've been wanting someone else for a while", nor is she blaming it on you or claiming it was your fault for not doing this-or-that in the relationship. Transference of blame is pretty common in this situation so it's interesting that she did admit that you did nothing to cause it.

 

Some key things that I think you need to stay focused in on, though, is that you've already specifically noticed a lack of genuine remorse, you haven't seen her cry or anything like that, only begging to take you back and making empty promises that she'll "do whatever it takes" to keep you two together. A lack of remorse and a lack of empathy is a really not a good sign. Shows of low level of emotional health and maturity. Well, that kind of goes without saying, as it took a severe lack of empathy and emotion to commit the deed that she did in the first place. As far as "doing whatever it takes" to keep you in her life, well, I think the time for that has passed, and if she were interested in "doing whatever it takes" to remain a couple, step 1 should have been to remain faithful.

 

In situations like this, the one thought that always has to creep in, is "what would things be like today had she not been caught". She would probably still be doing it. And if you think the times that she has done this has always been with you in dangerously close proximity, it almost seems she wanted to get caught, or at least got off on the excitement of the possibility of getting caught. But just remember people who are only sorry because they got caught are not truly sorry. Would she have come to her senses and realized what she was flushing down the toilet had she not been caught red handed? Not likely. She'd still be betraying you behind your back.

 

If I understand your statement above you're saying that you have zero children that were a product of you and your wife, only children brought in from past relationships? If that's the case, the door for you to walk away and move on is open much wider than it would be if you had any children together, especially young ones. Most people would just subscribe to the hard-and-fast rule that if you have no children together, get the hell out and don't even entertain the thought of giving this betrayer a second chance.

 

Ultimately the choice is yours. I am familiar with the fact that even when someone hurts you as much as they possibly can, that does not mean it instantaneously becomes easy to no longer have feelings for them and decide to walk away. But just because something is difficult does not mean you should avoid it. Staying with her would certainly be the easy low road to take because you already have someone who is swearing up and down that they will do whatever it takes to keep you, compared to returning to the single and/or dating life. Nobody wants to go to bed alone at night, but nobody wants to be cheated on either.

[Gofsttrnlft]

I hear what you are saying Exit. Its not always easy. I go from wanting to give her a hug to wanting to smack her in the face about every minute or so some days.

 

I have found out a few things since I last posted. We have been going to a counselor and I by myself as well. The counselor has the belief that she was so blitzed she doesn't remember either event specifically. It also turns out she wasnt happy in our marriage, not to the leaving me point but the "we were in a rut" stage. Neither of which are any kind of excuse for what she did. We do have days where we can talk almost like normal. She has done all the things Ive needed her to from getting checked for stds, to messaging him not to contact her again, to giving me the passwords to everything, to literally kissing my ass all the time. The last part makes it tough to be angry at her. She even gives me her itinerary each day even though I have never asked for it. I am thinking that is a good start to proving she does want us to stay together.

 

She has shown remorse over the last couple of weeks as well. One thing that has angered and concerned me as well is that she had taken to cutting herself to "deal with the heartache she has caused". I am right now confused as to whether this was an attempt to get attention or really a way to cope with her stupidity.

 

Thank you to the folks that to the time to comment and offer me advice. I appreciated it all. Slow and steady day by day is my course, but I am pissed that she got laid and I get to decide if our marriage is over.

 

I hope that everyone is doing as good as possible!!

 

Just feeling sad today.

[Pinky777]

I'm sorry but I don't buy what the counselor says that she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing - that kind of thing might result in a drunken kiss, but not an ongoing sexual relationship! A lot of your friends knew about it too and hid it from you, who knows how much else they are hiding. How can you ever trust her again? I know it's hard walking away after 12 years...believe me, my ex-husband cheated on me and left me for that woman after 15 years of being togther. My entire life, since i was a teenager, I've never known anyone but him. It's not easy by any means but in a way it was a relief to finally be able to live a life without him in it. You discover so much about yourself in that phase.

 

I really think you need to focus on yourself and get away from her for a bit, can you try a separation? With her being around you saying she's sorry (this is guilt talking, btw) you won't be able to clear your head and truly figure out how you feel. Her giving you her itinerary? Guilt. Have you figured out why she wasn't happy in her marriage? She states a lack of excitement? To me, that's not good because it signals that there may not have been anything truly wrong, but maybe the passion just wasn't there anymore. I give you kudos for going to counseling in the first place. It's normal to feel sad. I hope everything works out for you but from an outside perspective, I would hate to see you go back to a marriage where she got away with cheating, and YOU have to be the "nice guy" to decide whether or not you want her back. F that! Please don't feel bad if you don't want this anymore. IMO without trust, the relationship will end either way and I think you're just delaying the inevitable.

 

I think a change of pace, change of scenery, change of so-called friends would be good for you.

Edited December 10, 2012 by Pinky777

[marksman402]

Hello. I was following this post for a couple of weeks and as I have been gone through something similar am curious if there are any updates? holidays must be a tuff time are you still there with her? are you still trying counceling and is that helping? the other posts all seem to have the same theme that you should leave her so I wonder if you have used there advise. whatever you did or have decided I am hopeful that you are doing well. its a sad story.

[Gofsttrnlft]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post here!

 

I am still taking things day by day. Of all the advice given I took the get out by myself to heart the most. I do this as often as i can. I have also been spending a lot more time with my daughters as they bring about the only joy I can find right now.

 

I did go to counseling for quite a few sessions but I decided to stop. I even tried a number of them but the common theme always returned to what was wrong in the marriage before the affair. While I can agree neither the marriage nor me was perfect, the affair she had wasn't warranted or excusable either. I gave up trying to find someone who could help me work through all of this, just me.

 

I struggle each day with trying to keep working on the marriage or just walking out. We do get along ok most days, with me having difficulties even touching her some days being the exception. Walking seems more and more the plan as the days go by. I think the only thing that is keeping me here with her right now is money and a lack of a place to go.

 

I am hoping that everyone out there is doing well!!

[Hopeful79]

Wow, what a horrible thing to have to go through...

 

It's posts like yours that make me almost feel that my own breakup doesn't even come close to the heartache you must be feeling...although we all are going through pain and helping each other - that's what is great about this site.

 

I think cheating is one of the worst things anyone can do to someone they are with and love. You were with your wife for 12 yrs...that's a long time. You raised kids with her, you had a life with her. She disrespected you in a huge way and alcohol is not an excuse, especially since this has happened on more than one occasion and friends knew about it. So she wasn't happy in the relationship - that also is not an excuse. She should have been open and both of you maybe could have worked on things if there were struggles...cheating on you was how she dealt with it and shows truly the kind of person she is.

 

I know it's difficult to walk away, but you must. You deserve someone who will not only love you but respect you, someone who would never cheat. Once a cheater - always a cheater. You may forgive her one day (and for the sake of your children, hopefully you do) but you will never forget, and that is the reason you must walk away from this.

 

It's going to be hard, you will feel lonely, you will feel ultimate heart break, you will miss her...but you need to take care of you! You were on your own once, you can do it again. Love you again, and the first step in doing that is walking away from this and healing. Move on.

[droys]

What I am going to say is not going to be popular.

 

You all come across like a bunch of bitter, sad, whiny, pathetic people! This IS a terrible situation, but to just give the advice to leave your spouse of 12 years is NOT the automatic answer that seems to be the general consensus!!! You all do not know the full story of everything going on here only what has been posted, so to just arbitrarily give the advice to leave a wife/home/family/life is misguided and just tormenting to the person (gofsttrnlft) who is trying to find hope on this website!!!

 

My story: My wife cheated on me about 2 years ago (1 year, 10 months and 12 days ago. I will always remember that date because it was the day my life changed - for the better! read on). I can relate to this because I felt that my wife and I had a wonderful relationship. We also have children (ours are very young still) so my initial reaction when I found out was to just stay and work things out "for the kids". That did not work. I was angry and hateful and vengeful and did everything I could to undermine what I thought I was trying to 'save'. We went to counseling and the result was very similar: what was wrong with the relationship prior to the cheating?? AND I had the same reaction as gofsttrnlft "it wasn't perfect but I thought we were great!!". Nothing that would justify such a devastating act on her part!!! I couldn't believe that I was being accused of having a part of this - I WAS THE VICTIM goddamnit how dare you suggest that I was somehow at fault!! and F**K YOU! to the counselor. I didn't go back let everything just ride and got angrier and angrier and meaner and meaner until a few months later my WIFE was telling me SHE wanted a divorce! What the hell? She was the one who cheated and she was the one who broke our vows and damnit WASN'T I THE VICTIM!?! How could this be?

 

I took a long hard look at myself. and our relationship. and what I wanted. and my role in what happened. I had taken "us" for granted for a long time. I realized that while I can be angry at what she did, maybe I did contribute to what happened. and that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without her. and we talked. a lot. and I STOPPED BEING THE VICTIM! and almost 2 years later (and yes more counseling) we are in a much better place than ever before in our lives. I am happier, she is happier, and I can truly say that I trust her and don't believe anything like this will ever happen again. I do NOT believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" philosophy. I think that is a cop out and I just don't buy into it. People do make mistakes. Even all of you self righteous-poor me-leave no matter what you have invested-throw your vows-out-the window-sad, sad, people, have made mistakes. Probably some of you have cheated too.

 

Gofsttrnlft - I understand everyone's story is different and maybe my story is really nothing like yours. If you really and truly believe that there is nothing left for you and your wife, then leave. Do not stay because of money, that is a cop out on your side!! But I can honestly say from my own experience, your marriage CAN be better. You have to try too! If she wants to be with you, and you want to be with her, then BE TOGETHER and make a happier life together. Do not let this be the defining moment in your lives. You can and will be happy if you want to be, but you do have to decide thats what you want.

 

I've told this story to (sadly) many people. Some it has had a positive effect, some it has put the finishing touches on the end. I am posting this only so you have a different perspective. I truly do pray for your happiness. Namaste.

 

D.