jrey Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Let's start with the fact that I hate being jealous. It is just not my thing! My live-in boyfriend has a female friend whom I just don't like. Before he and I moved in together she and I got along but now that we have moved in together she is, in many ways, trying to assert herself and her "positon" in his world. I am fully supportive of him having female friends and am aware that most of my friends are guys. I know he loves me and would never heat or step out in any way, so maybe jealousy isnt the right word. This friend has no respect for my relationship and it has reached the point where I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever she is around - mainly bc she is so blatantly rude to me. Others brush it off as "it's just how she is" but hats not ok to me. Things got so bad at one point that my boyfriend stopped communicating with her for a bit (his choice, not mine) but she has somehow managed to rekindle their friendship which would be fine with me if it didn't include her a) pretending like I don't exist/passive aggressively mocking me (not when my boyfriend can hear it) and b) her calling my boyfriend "sugar" and laughing at everything he says/does like we were back in high school (we are 30). I know I sound childish with my complaints but I just don't trust her. She hated all of his serious gfriends before me but befriended each of them after they broke up and tries to create tension bw me and my boyfriend. How do I proceed? I know my boyfriend knows what is going on but I try to not complain about it too much to him because, as I said before, I know I come first to him and they are all a close knit group, her included. I also don't think he fully grasps how manipulative/underhanded she is being and it makes me sick to my stomach. We are having people over this weekend to our house and I am just afraid that issues will arise as they always do when she is around. Drama unfolds. Am I crazy? Overreacting? Again, we are 30, not 15. We should be able to be mature adults about all of this. Did I mention she is newly married?
volentia Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 sound like shes the jealous one. i know how frustrating and infuriating things like this are... if you can't disclose how you feel about it to her, maybe give her a taste of her own medicine, show her a mirror. do as she does with her husband, but dont forget to tell your boyfriend first.
babsie007 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Yes sounds like she is very jealous. I would sit back and ignore it, although you need to be able to let your other half know in a subtle way that she is out of order. I am not sure how though... But let him think its his realisation!
GSB81 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 If a friend of mine, male or female, was disrespectful toward my girlfriend, I'd address it. If it continued, they wouldn't be welcome in my home. If it came up in a group setting, I'd watch the friend like a hawk for the first snide remark and call them on it in front of the group. It's an issue of loyalty and respect. Odds are she has a thing for your boyfriend.
Author jrey Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Interestingly enough, we all were hanging out last night and I went even further out of my way to be nice to her - genuinely nice in hopes that things would level out - and she was so ugly to me. But, thankfully, my boyfriend was well aware of how she was behaving and, while he didn't call her out on it, he did make it a point of telling me he saw it and that he wasnt ok with it. And that she will not be invited to future things bc of it. He has lost a large amount of respect for her and I am very happy knowin that it is bc of her own behaviors and not bc of me making him choose Ironically, she is coming to our house today with the entire group (this had been planned befor last night) but my bfriend has already assured me he will ask her to leave if she pulls what she did last night. And she'll be coming with her husband so I'm sure she'll behave better. Frustrating to say the least - thank you guys for your continued thoughts on the topic!
KraftDinner Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I think your boyfriend is disrespecting you by not calling her out right away. I'm curious how tonight will roll out. Definitely come back to update. Girls like her make my blood boil, and I HATE when guys either don't see it or ignore it... Do you think he doesn't see it? I don't know...are guys really that dense? I've heard it over and over again where a girl disrespects a guy's girlfriend and the guy doesn't see (or acts like it?). Are we speaking a different language? I know men and women have different ways of dissing members of our same sex. Women are a lot more subtle...like, 'oh, nice dress! I totally had the same one 5 years ago.' Would a typical guy understand that she just slammed the other girl? I'd love to hear from guys. Are you really unable to pick up when girls diss each other? Or do you think he plays dumb because he enjoys the other woman's attention? 1
GSB81 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I think I pick up on it fairly well. I don't go into white knight mode every time I witness it, but if it's a girlfriend, relative, or good friend on the receiving end, I will say something. 1
ssmall Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Been there, done that. That's crazy. I went through a similar thing with my fiance and one of his friends!
Author jrey Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 I suppose all is well that ends well even if it means that I had a few hours of reliving high school drama! . She came to our house for football and more or less pretended as though I wasn't around - which I'd much rather than her being rude or nasty. She clearly felt left out times which made me feel horrible bc I do not like anyone feeling that way when they are a guest in my home but my boyfriend kept telling me not to worry about it. Later in the evening, boyfriend, the girl and two of our other friends were outside and I walked out and all got quiet, so clearly they were talking about the situation. What I later learned was that she had made a comment to my boyfriend about how she felt he was angry with her and she didn't understand why and he just about lost it with her. That he told her that yes, he was angry with her, that he didn't like how she had been treating/disrespecting me, that I had done nothing but try and extend multiple olive branches that she repeatedly had shot down and that he was sick of it. She started crying and saying how it wasn't like that, how I was the mean one, etc etc at which point he referenced instances that he was standing there with me during and the other two people (who she had been whining to and trying to paint me as a nasty person) were blown away that they had not heard about those instances (probably bc it is between the two of us and so I'm not going to try and bring other people into and make them feel the need to choose sides). It even came up how I had sent her a text message saying "let's grab food sometime soon and talk" so that we could move past everything to which she never responded - AND never told anyone about. Instead telling everyone who I made no effort and was rude and was ruining the group of friends. Sigh. I dislike drama immensely BUT I could not be happier that my boyfriend finally stood up for me so clearly and made it clear where he stood. My hopes are that now that all this is out in the open, we can all just move forward. It is what it is, we're grownups, we don't have to be best friends but we should be able to be in the same place at the same time and not make other people feel uncomfortable. Basically, how I felt it should be in the beginning. Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm sure some of you have been through this before and know how things proceed from here. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
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