scarlet.vixn Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 So I posted a few days ago but to summ that up we were together for about a year and broke up it was messy and didn't talk for a year, he messaged me and wished me a happy birthday and we have been talking since then. He is involved with someone right now and I'm not necessarily saying that I want him back romantically, I mean of course I want him back romantically I wanted to marry this guy, but the truth is I just want him back in my life, whether as a friend or anything else. And I desperately don't want to hurt him, myself or the innocent party being his girlfriend. Since that first post a lot has changed, not necessarily with me and my ex, but traumatic life experiences outside of him and I. I actually went for him for help. It was instinctual and accidental but when I needed someone I messaged him and he was there. We stayed up to the early morning hours talking laughing, teasing remenissing, and I'm just not sure what to do at all. Part of me wants to thank him for being there but tell him it was wrong of me to go to him like that in the first place. I feel like we're moving too fast and that we're not seeing eachother as new people but as who we were before. He still claims to know me better than anyone and that he knows how I think. I want to say he's wrong but he's not, he does know me, and I still know him. We broke up because neither of us were ready for the relationship, we loved each other, but he had stopped loving himself and was depressed and felt like he was dragging me down as well that if we didn't break up neither one of us was going to change what we needed to change in order to be happy. I have changed, so has he, neither of us have changed so completely that we'd b ready for that kind of relationship again (even though he is seeing someone right now). Honestly I'm just so happy that through all the anger and pain and hurt of our break up that we are finally okay. Forgiven and I have forgave. But now I'm scared of ruining it by moving too fast, I see him and my heart races, I want to tell him everything, I want to listen to him speak, and the strange thing is I don't want to get back together with him, yeah I still want to marry him, but I know that we haven't done all that growing we still need to do. I'm okay if marriage is never in our future, it's what I want, but more than that I just want him to be happy and I feel blessed that we're back in each other's lives. Now if it happens naturally somewhere down the line that we get back together after sorting everything else out yeah it'd be a dream but I am NOT going into this with that goal in mind. My problem is that I'm afraid my desire for him will overcome me and my good intentions and one or all of us will end up getting hurt, but not seeing him and not talking to him, giving myself distance, it's painful after having a year of no contact I feel like I just got my heart back and I want to go for a run because I finally can and at the same time if I push too hard it will break again. What would you do?
flitzanu Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 sounds like he dumped you. saying you want to marry this guy is pretty clear in what your motivation is in talking to him. are you prepared to thrust yourself in the middle of his current relationship to ruin it because you haven't let go of your feelings for him?
Author scarlet.vixn Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Harsh and I accept that. I wanted an outside perspective and that's why I came here. But to address what you said for a bit of clarification: 1: He did dump me. It was hard and I agonized over it, even though I knew exactly why he ended things. It took me a long time to accept that what he did was for both of us. 2. He contacted me. We haven't spoken in over a year even though he's tried contacting me in the past (I didn't know this) I was letting him go and moving on, comforted by the fact that wherever he was, whatever he was doing he was free to find his own happiness and I was free to find mine. My motivation for talking to him initially was out of politeness then it moved toward letting him know that I didn't hate him, and hearing him say he didn't hate me. The last time I contacted him was out of panic because he was the last person I was talking to and something extremely bad had happened. I don't necessarily regret contacting him for that but it was an instinctual reaction. When I love I love hard. I've met many other men. I've dated a few, etc. I'm open to the opportunity and even though I don't look for love, I don't close it off either, I'm more of a "when it's right it will find me", that being said he's the only man I've ever fallen in love with, he found me, and he fought for me. When I say that I want to marry him it's true I want that, just like I want to be a famous singer and be discovered, it's a dream, one that would require a lot of work and time and energy. That is time work and energy that I am not putting into getting my ex back because you can't control people, and you can't control love it's one of those things that has to happen on it's own. 3. No I am not ready to thrust myself into the middle of his relationship to ruin it because I still have feelings for him. That's why I'm here asking for help and advice. If they work out and he's happy and if they don't work out I want that to be 100% on them and not be involved in it. Me and my feelings were content moving on, but feelings like that never die, you can move on, you can open your heart to other people but you will always have a fondness for your first love, especially when the reason you broke up was because it wasn't the right time. What I'm trying to say and ask for is if there is any way to preserve this bond we have in a positive way that doesn't hinder or interfere with his relationship and doesn't lead to a bad place? He was more than my ex boyfriend, he was my best friend, and living without him just the friend aspect I've felt as if something was missing. Or do I tell him that I love him, thank him for his love and just walk away? If that's the case how do I deal with the ache of missing him all over again, and do I just ignore him when he calls/texts? Do I continue to avoid him? I guess it's not a matter of how to deal with it, if that's really the right decision then it's just about dealing with it. Thank you for your advice.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Leave him alone and get on with your life. Don't call him when you have traumas, I am sure you have friends and family members for that. Stop spending time romanticizing and aggrandizing what sounds like a fairly short-term and highly dysfunctional relationship. WAY too much drama. You can't be "friends" with a guy you want to marry who's in a relationship, I think you know this. Plumbing a guy who is in a relationship to get your emotional fixes is poor behavior.
flitzanu Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 ok, so you want to be his friend, and you want him back in your life, then here's your solution. you asked him to fix something in your apartment, so have him bring his girlfriend with him when he does. if you're not ok with that, then you're not ready to be friends. if he's not ok with that, then he's not ready to be friends.
Author scarlet.vixn Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Mme. Chaucer: I didn't call him. We were in the middle of a conversation when I suddenly stopped talking to handle what had happened. When I was done handling it the message box was open and I had a half written statement in it, to which I edited to saying "Sorry for disappearing I just had the worst night of my life" I had just had the worst night of my life and I realized after I said it that it wasn't a good idea. He wanted to know what happened and I wanted to tell him, at the same time when I could think rationally the desire to confide in him was a warning sign that I shouldn't (but it has always been like that) I can't lie to him, he knows when something's wrong. Anyway, the relationship was actually very functional, we worked really well as a couple but it moved too fast for both of us. All of a sudden people around us were asking when we were getting married, and we were headed in that direction even though both of us had a 3 year rule. As for where the idea to marry him came from, yes it was in my head when I first met him, but he was the one to say those words outloud from the beginning, and a month before we broke up he went to a wedding and said that he saw us doing the same. He talked about it more than I did. I liked living in the here and now, he talked about marriage, kids etc, and eventually I accepted that I saw the same for us as well. I want his happiness most of all, secondly I would want us to be in each other's life, and third would be to have the whole shebang. If being in his life right now will upset his happiness then I'd walk away like I did the last time. My desire to marry him is a far third to his happiness, and a far second to being in his life, even as friends, there is nothing wrong with friends, friendship is amazing built on trust and respect. Even if he were single and wanted to get back together I wouldn't do it if I knew it would jeopardize his happiness or mine or our friendship. Lastly I would like to say that I'm not plumbing him for anything. I do have friends and family, and if need be there are therapists that I could call to handle traumatic experiences. I don't go to him when I have a problem or even seek him out. I am not the one who is initiating contact or asking to be in his life. For the most part I am responding very slowly and cautiously to his desire to be in mine. flitzanu: I am completely fine with that, I think he is as well. She isn't I don't believe. We ran into each other at the theater a little while ago when he was there with her. She seemed agitated but then asked to be friends on facebook the next day, I didn't think it was a good idea because well to be honest I was still keeping my distance and giving him the space that he needed and there was still a lot unresolved between him and I so I ignored the request. Recently I found out through him that she was upset with him for not acting "lovey dovey" in front of me. His response was that he didn't want to hurt me. Believe me I rolled my eyes at that one. I told him for future reference that should we all be together that he needs to show her that he is hers because that is an uncomfortable situation for all involved. I am not trying to get back together with him. Certainly not while he has a girlfriend. I am not trying to break them up or cause a rift. Believe me when I say that if I knew without a doubt that she was the one for him and she made him happy and I was standing in the way I'd disappear from the picture in a heartbeat. But there's a small part of me that wants to hope there's someway I don't have to give him up completely. I want cake and to eat it too. Basically I'm wondering is there really a "ready to be friends"? I don't think the feelings of loving someone disappear but if you love them purely with their best intentions at heart then it doesn't matter what you wan't in the end you'll do what they need.
todreaminblue Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I don't think the feelings of loving someone disappear but if you love them purely with their best intentions at heart then it doesn't matter what you wan't in the end you'll do what they need. Feelings don't disappear they move to the front or the back they diminish in strength, I have three girls to my ex we were together for fifteen years engaged for seven we never married.I could analyze why we split over an over again.......doesnt make a difference....the fact is we split....and he is now with someone else....i contemplated like you about going back...because no matter what crap i went through with him or the fact he left me for someone else....those feelings were there....i didn't care about the current girlfriends feelings in all honesty she didnt regard mine as important when she was sleeping with him at the same time and she knew about me (maybe) and i knew by phone conversations basically i could sway him...i am a physical person in a relationship and that part of our relationship was still strong up until we split......one reason i knew i had to leave and go interstate was to finish the relationship...i have not seen my ex since.......and it will stay that way.....i talk to him on the phone about the girls and keep it to that, he helped me through a bad day last week actually..... however much you say you dont want to dissention in your exes current relationship by you being in it you are .......by feeling the way you do you are causing a divide.....its just not visible yet.....i also feel when my ex isnt happy because i do know him.......as he knows when i am upset.......the difference is i now know there isnt going to be a repeat....the reason why we split is there still.... he didnt love me enough to stay....that wont change even if he splits with his current(who i have forgiven) girlfriend.... neither will it change for you....its not about the fact he is in a relationship at the moment.....the reason remains he did not love you enough to stay and that wont change.....neither will your longing if you admit it, to be with him....the only way is for you to distance yourself however much it hurts you or you wont find happiness......and that is what is important your happiness...if you hang around your ex you are going to cause fights which could eventually be the death knell of another relationship.....how she treats him is not your concern....it is her relationship now and her boyfriend ...how they handle that relationship should have nothing to do with you........but it does because you are hanging on to that glimmer of hope....that glimmer is an illusion...i wish you the best and much happiness with a new man who loves you back as much as you love him...hugs.deb
Author scarlet.vixn Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Deb, I appreciate your comments and advice and I am sorry that you went through that but it looks as though you are happier and better off now. There are just a few things: It wasn't because he didn't love me enough to stay or enough to work out our problems. He and I both realized that his depression was leading to selfish tendencies on his end. He didn't like who he was becomming or who he was because change wasn't happening quick enough for him. He and I both realized that he was taking out his depression on the relationship and on me. I wanted to believe that we could work it out and that we could stay together and fix those things, but at the same time I had some growing up to do as well. The separation was a good thing. I found myself again regained confidence and without the break up I truely believe we would have hurt each other more. Now he is getting help for his depression and he has developed techniques to help him cope. Which also wouldn't have happened when we were together. So the friendship that we enter into will be as new people, older and wiser people. I do not long for him as much as I long for his happiness. And I firmly believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness so we need to do what makes us happy. Having him in my life does make me happy, but not at the cost of causing him unhappiness. I don't want to cause problems in his relationship, and I would never presume to tell her how she should treat him. I did presume to tell him that he needs to put her desires above what he believes mine were because she is his girlfriend. Maybe you all are right and I shouldn't encourage this reconciliation at all. Something good that has come out of it is for the most part we have cleared the air about the past and the miscommunication, if anything I'd say there was closure and no more regrets. I had hoped that closing the chapter on our past would be a way for us to have a future, as friends as anything. I do love him, I do want him in my life, and I cannot deny that I still have feelings for him, I can't deny that he still has feelings for me. Maybe things will be different in the future, but there seems to be a general concensus that those feelings will lead to badness, and that's the last thing I want for both of us.
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