Do I need Closure?

[Sunslides]

I am thinking I need closure from the ex... I still have some of her clothe and would like to drop them off somewhere. But that would mean I would need to contact her... and I don't think it is a good thing.

 

Anyone ever needed to have closure here?

[NavyAirTraffic]

"I don't want to be with you" is closure enough for me.

[stillafool]

You have to make your own closure. Your ex cannot do it for you. Questions asked will lead to more questions in your mind. Just dump her stuff if she hasn't asked for it back she must not want it. Stay no contact to heal.

[jwhite]

I agree with stillafool. Only you can accomplish this task. Anything else is only damaging to you. You dont want to put salt in a large wound do you? This is a time where it is good to be crying and such as this is part of the healing process. I have officially crossed into week 3 today it has gotten a little easier, I have had some speed bumps though.

 

I went snooping online and that was a HUGE mistake.

 

Now, I go to the gym 7 days and almost 2 hours a day. This does help along with eating and protein shakes after.

 

You kinda have to go through this. but think of it this way. If you think SIMPLE and work on yourself it will be much easier.

 

The Navy guy is hard on himself and that is how he deals. You may like that too, however, it will hurt. No offense

[NavyAirTraffic]

The Navy guy is hard on himself and that is how he deals. You may like that too, however, it will hurt. No offense

 

I'm hard on myself? As soon as someone says "I don't want to be with you" I don't need to know/hear anything else. Everything else is irrelevant:"I don't like you anymore" "I want to see other people" "I'm no longer attracted to you" "I want to be single". I simple pick one reason and go with it, because no matter what the reason is, one thing is always constant, THEY DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Everything else is irrelevant.

 

Edit: Closure is a myth, closure is actually you deciding/realizing it's over and letting go. Just like Stillafool said, you give yourself closure.

Edited November 19, 2012 by NavyAirTraffic

[jwhite]

"I don't want to be with you" is closure enough for me.

 

This is seeking closure with her approval.

 

You can seek closure from within yourself OR you can seek closure from her.

 

Telling yourself that she doesnt want to be with you is like stabbing your eye out. Breaking NC by seeking to talk to her you might get this answer at this moment in time.

 

Telling youself that she is not coming back is totally different.

[jwhite]

Hard or not, it's true. There is no such thing as "closure". S*** just ends and then fades eventually. The sooner one realizes this, the sooner one can work on putting things back in order and moving on. NAT is right, sad it is.

 

Saying that somebody doesnt want you is self depreciating thought. All of this is hard, it is how you come out of it that matters most. And if you settle for that status quo bust just putting the peices back in order instead of making news peices to add, you will have gained NOTHING.

 

"It is what it is".... Lame and not true. It is only true for some. Greatness comes from within and WITH change.

 

One day she MAY realize what she lost. It has happended before with others and it will happen again and again.

 

Your JOB is to do better. Never settle for something. ALWAYS improve.

[NavyAirTraffic]

This is seeking closure with her approval.

 

This does not make sense. What does this even mean? How could I seek her approval? "You left me, I don't want/need any other reason from you, but I need your approval for....".

[suladas]

I orignally wanted closure but it fades with time and eventually you let go and find you no longer care. Even if they hurt you or whatever in time youll just let it go and move on.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Saying that somebody doesnt want you is self depreciating thought. All of this is hard, it is how you come out of it that matters most. And if you settle for that status quo bust just putting the peices back in order instead of making news peices to add, you will have gained NOTHING.

 

"It is what it is".... Lame and not true. It is only true for some. Greatness comes from within and WITH change.

 

One day she MAY realize what she lost. It has happended before with others and it will happen again and again.

 

Your JOB is to do better. Never settle for something. ALWAYS improve.

 

I don't want ANY of my ex's. Does that mean they are lower class people to me, does that mean they are unattractive, not worthy of a great partner/relationship? They weren't a good match for 1 reason or another FOR ME, they are beautiful amazing people but weren't FOR ME.

 

You think your ex left you because they want to be with you?? You think she's on pof or okcupid because she's looking for you?

 

It actually is what it is. If it wasn't, you'd be together. Because she doesn't want you, she's not with you, and that is what it is. What can you do to change that, to change her mind, to make her want to be with you (to make it "it's not what it is")?

 

One day she might realize, but she doesn't now. Right now she only KNOWS she doesn't want to be with you. She knows you love her, she knows you want to be with her and she doesn't care.

[jwhite]

I don't want ANY of my ex's. Does that mean they are lower class people to me, does that mean they are unattractive, not worthy of a great partner/relationship? They weren't a good match for 1 reason or another FOR ME, they are beautiful amazing people but weren't FOR ME.

 

You think your ex left you because they want to be with you?? You think she's on pof or okcupid because she's looking for you?

 

It actually is what it is. If it wasn't, you'd be together. Because she doesn't want you, she's not with you, and that is what it is. What can you do to change that, to change her mind, to make her want to be with you (to make it "it's not what it is")?

 

One day she might realize, but she doesn't now. Right now she only KNOWS she doesn't want to be with you. She knows you love her, she knows you want to be with her and she doesn't care.

 

My case is different. I am not denying that she left because she didnt want the RELATIONSHIP anymore. Of course they care

 

But that is just the thing. It is not that they didnt want any of us, they just didnt want the INTERACTION that was going on both ways between them and us in the end. They would have never got with us in the first place if they didnt think it could work in one way or another.

 

So, Navy, you are right. One day they may realize. All we can do is think SIMPLE and find a way to LOVE ourselves. Start fresh

[Sunslides]

You are correct, but I still think of her way too much... I date, here and there, but... nothing major. I do admit that the down feelings are pretty much gone now...

[jwhite]

I WISH that I was in your position. I still have the jealousy, hurt, and denial. But I keep telling myself that she is gone, I am a new person now, and hopefully come out a better and stronger person.

 

The most difficult thing is letting go of the old me and accepting that I still have faults and low self esteem. But, knowing witch path to take and how to remain simple gives me hope.

 

I have just set a goal of doing NOTHING but trying find a way to love myself for 6 months. Rebuild and renew. Then UPGRADE lol.

[Sebastian76]

"Closure is a myth, closure is actually you deciding/realizing it's over and letting go"

 

I think this is true. I believe that the dumper can help the dumpee getting to that stage faster through clear and honest communication. But we tend to confuse 'getting closure' with 'stop feeling hurt'. Only you can get there and time and your positive actions are your two best friends. You know you found your closure when you don't really care any longer. That it doesn't matter what happened or what was felt. I broke up with my ex through one and a half years, now five months ago. I got zero closure from her, in fact I havent heard from her once since BU. For a long time I had all these things I wanted to hear and say, a broken pride and a beaten up ego. Now I feel just fine. Have met other even better girls and basically don't care one bit what she thinks or does. For me that is closure. It took me five months to get there, but I got there eventually and all on my own.

 

You'll get there too eventually. You can't force it, only speed up the process a bit by being good towards yourself.

[suladas]

I WISH that I was in your position. I still have the jealousy, hurt, and denial. But I keep telling myself that she is gone, I am a new person now, and hopefully come out a better and stronger person.

 

The most difficult thing is letting go of the old me and accepting that I still have faults and low self esteem. But, knowing witch path to take and how to remain simple gives me hope.

 

I have just set a goal of doing NOTHING but trying find a way to love myself for 6 months. Rebuild and renew. Then UPGRADE lol.

 

You'll get there in time. I'm not sure exactly when it happened for me, but i'm at 4 months and haven't cared for a while now, and considering I still see my ex almost daily, it took me much longer then others. Everyones self esteem is going to take a hit when they get dumped it's only natural.

 

I can happily say I can see her, talk to her, see her facebook anything and it doesn't affect me whatsoever.

[Sunslides]

It's like if I needed to know if she still thinks about me... I am pretty sure she does since I did hear about it... But what would I gain? Closure? Sigh...