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I think my wife is cheating and I need advice

Michael.M

By Michael.M
in Infidelity

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meandmyself Established Member

meandmyself

Posted
Posted
Wrong. Too much television, not enough real world experience.

 

Even the states that still have adultery laws don't enforce them anymore. If they did, that's all they'd ever hear. You could get autographed photos in 3D and the court wouldn't care. Hell, half of them are probably doing the same thing.

 

IMO, you either trust her, or you don't. What kind of life is checking GPS every time she leaves the house? Snooping emails or her phone? That isn't a life and it certainly isn't a happy marriage. Truth is, you'll always wonder, regardless of how much proof you have, or don't have. She could do the nasty in a car or a closet at work and all the devices would back her innocence.

 

You either trust her, or you don't.

 

She's lied and her friends have lied for her. The guy is probably freaking out, wondering what you'll do next. If anything ever happened to her, no matter how innocently, the police would strongly suspect you. Great, eh?

 

I'd lay it all out and ask her what she'd do if the tables were turned. Then decide. Who wants to be married to someone they can't trust?

 

Skip all the drama in favor of a productive life that's worth getting up in the morning for. Constant wondering and worrying is imprisonment.

 

 

A very big I LIKE IT for this post... exactly what I think about it... skip the drama, talk to your wife and take a decision... that is all!

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
Wrong. Too much television, not enough real world experience.

 

Even the states that still have adultery laws don't enforce them anymore. If they did, that's all they'd ever hear. You could get autographed photos in 3D and the court wouldn't care. Hell, half of them are probably doing the same thing.

 

IMO, you either trust her, or you don't. What kind of life is checking GPS every time she leaves the house? Snooping emails or her phone? That isn't a life and it certainly isn't a happy marriage. Truth is, you'll always wonder, regardless of how much proof you have, or don't have. She could do the nasty in a car or a closet at work and all the devices would back her innocence.

 

You either trust her, or you don't.

 

She's lied and her friends have lied for her. The guy is probably freaking out, wondering what you'll do next. If anything ever happened to her, no matter how innocently, the police would strongly suspect you. Great, eh?

 

I'd lay it all out and ask her what she'd do if the tables were turned. Then decide. Who wants to be married to someone they can't trust?

 

Skip all the drama in favor of a productive life that's worth getting up in the morning for. Constant wondering and worrying is imprisonment.

 

 

Wrong reading too much bad opinion instead of fact.

 

Verifying NC is is how trust gets repaired. It is a long process.

 

Rug sweeping and being one to stick their head in the sand does nothing to repair the broken trust.

 

The BS gave the WS blind trust.

 

WS abused that trust.

 

WS can never be given blind trust again.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted (edited)

IDK, I'm okay with a little PI work. The way I see it, cheaters are incredibly good liar's and they'll have you believing that the grass is purple.

 

Some people will always have a nagging feeling going on in his or her head, "Am I getting played?" it plays mind screw games with you because you don't know if you're being told the truth. And that's no way to live. So, if people aren't going to be truthful with you, then I see nothing wrong with finding out the truth on your own. And I would like some facts before I nake a hard decision on my own marriage or relationship. IF her story was true and she just crashed somewhere other than where she said she was going to crash, Okay, that was a lie, but is it enough to throw away a marriage over? To change your life and the lives of your friends and family over? OR if you found out that the friend was covering for her so she could have hot monkey sex with some dude. Which one would be the deal breaker? Everyone has there limits.

 

HOWEVER! I would only do PI work for about a week. Obsessing over it would drive you nuts as well. I just feel that you have every right to know what's going on in your relationship.

Edited by Chi townD
Steadfast Established Member

Steadfast

Posted
Posted
Wrong reading too much bad opinion instead of fact. Verifying NC is is how trust gets repaired. It is a long process.

 

You are entitled to your opinion. That doesn't stop it from being wrong.

 

OP, being trustworthy occurs when a person's desire to be trusted is stronger than their desire to deceive. And while the process of restoring trust may take some time, it also may not. People make spot decisions all the time. Whether or not we believe them is a casualty all liars must face.

 

Verifying NC may take care of this affair, but it does nothing to address the root problem: her. I dare say most reasonably attractive women have a variety of partners to choose from on any given day. What makes good, happy, productive relationships is two people who choose not to betray.

 

So again I say, either trust her, or don't. She has the freewill to act and do as she pleases. The OP has the freewill to decide if he wants that in his life.

Magica Member

Magica

Posted
Posted

OP, listen to your gut - it's giving you better information than your wife is right now.

 

I agree that spending every waking moment spying on and worrying about your wife is no way to live, but you also need some concrete evidence so you *know* what's going on, not just suspect. She is busted - you know it and she knows it, but I think she's scared, confused, and probably in denial herself - I don't know what it will take for you to get the confirmation that you deserve, but I believe you will. The leader of the infidelity support group that I go to says that the truth wants to be known - it finds a way to get out.

seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
Posted

Polygraph, Polygraph, Polygraph.

Your conversation should go like this:

"You've lied to me, your friends lied to me to cover for you, I'm sorry but I don't believe you, and right now I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. I think you cheated with Aaron.

But, I'm willing to give you the chance to prove me wrong. If you take a polygraph and pass, I will admit I'm wrong and we both can put all this behind us and move forward. But, if you decide not to submit to this solution I will continue to believe you cheated on me, and I will seriously reconsider staying M'd to someone I cannot believe or trust"

 

Yes you are giving her an ultimatum, but she placed herself into this situation. It's up to her to fix this, not you.

 

Listen, if nothing happen and she truly loves you, she will jump at the chance to regain your trust. If she hems and haws, gets angry at YOU, or declines the test, well then you have your answer.

  • Like 1
robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

Posted
Posted

Find out who this Aeron is, if he's married, then tell his wife

meandmyself Established Member

meandmyself

Posted
Posted
You are entitled to your opinion. That doesn't stop it from being wrong.

 

OP, being trustworthy occurs when a person's desire to be trusted is stronger than their desire to deceive. And while the process of restoring trust may take some time, it also may not. People make spot decisions all the time. Whether or not we believe them is a casualty all liars must face.

 

Verifying NC may take care of this affair, but it does nothing to address the root problem: her. I dare say most reasonably attractive women have a variety of partners to choose from on any given day. What makes good, happy, productive relationships is two people who choose not to betray.

 

So again I say, either trust her, or don't. She has the freewill to act and do as she pleases. The OP has the freewill to decide if he wants that in his life.

 

Not you get too much philosophic here... I agree we all have freewill to act and do what we want but there are society rules we all need to adhere to..., like do not kill, do not steal, do not cheat...

 

I think the only way to go here is to confront her and ask her to give you all the facts... if after that she does not confess and you still don't feel she spit out her soul to you I would move out of the house and tell her you can live with someone you can't trust...

 

Is easy to convince yourself that all is in your imagination when the truth can be very painful... I would not go that way, you have some good reasons to doubt as you have been already lied to by her and her friends... so if she does not come with a full disclosure ... you can't forgive her if she is not even remorse of what she has done so only chance is to look for someone better.

 

Good luck!

Redbirdinabrightsky Member

Redbirdinabrightsky

Posted
Posted

Again, sorry that you have found yourself in this hell.

 

I am from the legal field...

 

From what I have read there is every reason to disbelieve anything she will say to you. Furthermore, unless she is willing to come clean, tell the truth, and seek couples counselling, you must in secret contact a lawyer. I would ask her to come clean on those things and attend counselling, but I would also already have a PI and a Lawyer waiting in the wings, gathering evidence, and then talk to her... element of surprise.

 

If divorce is where your head is at, legal counsel will help you tremendously with the aftermath. Also, a lawyer will know of and be working with excellent Private Investigators who will be able to pull together all the evidence you presently have, and also gain even more. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but, if you are to get your wife to talk about the lying then perhaps you should record her voice? Talk with a lawyer, paying any kind of alimony to a cheater is a seriously demoralizing thing, even beyond the cheating.

 

Contact legal counsel. Most P.I.'s will have extreme technical proficiency in gaining evidence of cheating, whether via electronic (hacking) means, or by following the cellphone bill paper trail and your wife w/GPS. You will likely end up with a "treasure trove" of evidence that will be permissible in a courtroom, which, from what I have perused, is what you will need for a legal battle. Think of what the "ultimate stalker" is, that is a PI, you will end up knowing, and at least there is that consolation, one way or the other. You need a trained professional to assist you in cogently presenting that evidence in a court of law.

 

You've come to this site for a more objective perspective on your suspicions, and the decision is unanimous among the readership. Now, it is time to bring in a junk yard dog of a lawyer, and make her come clean, in a public courtroom.

 

Change the address of your telephone's billing statement, change all bank account passwords, and take her to court... Take everything from her, when she lied and likely slept with this Aaron she took everything from you, everything that mattered.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

standtall Established Member

standtall

Posted
Posted
Now, it is time to bring in a junk yard dog of a lawyer, and make her come clean, in a public courtroom.

 

 

In places where there is no fault divorces(most places now)...No fault divorce=the court doesn't care who is cheating.

Steen719 Established Member

Steen719

Posted
Posted

I live in Florida and one attorney I talked to, when I asked her how much evidence I would for infidelity, told me that unless I could prove that significant marital funds were used to carry out the affair, it would not matter in division of property. I have no minor children so that did not matter. We did not have significant money, so I knew it didn't matter.

jnj express Established Member

jnj express

Posted
Posted

If you do intend to stay and try to work thru this---you need to lay in some boundaries, with ACTIONABLE consequences

 

You can read the various threads, to find out what boundaries need to be in place---but one boundary goes up immediately

 

NO MORE GNO---NO MORE DRINKING IN BARS---NO MORE GOING OUT WITH CO-WORKERS

 

Your wife is a married woman---SHE NEEDS TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT OF A MARRIED WOMAN---right now she is trying very hard to be single---if you stay---her single days are over----she comes home to you every night, and she has her activities with you, and with other married couples that are friends of yours---thats it----end of the discussion---if she can't accept that boundary---you tell her--mge is over

 

You do not have to have any proof of anything to demand the above-----the above is what 2 married people do---plain and simple!!!!!!!

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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