I think my wife is cheating and I need advice

November 19, 2012

Thank you for reading this.

My current situation has been going on for almost two weeks. My wife is an ER nurse and recently changed jobs. Occasionally, she meets up with her friends from her old job at various bars or restaurants. Its always a group activity with mostly female coworkers. Sometimes I go with her, but due to my own obligations and the increased frequency of these "get togethers" I can't always make it. I have never seen or felt any reason to be suspicious, until recently.

On November 6th(Tuesday), Im watching a basketball game on TV when she starts getting some text and tells me that all her work friends want to get together that night. I have work in the morning, so I decide to stay home. She does mention that its going to be a "Girls Night Out." Right before she leaves, she tells me that she may stay at Michelle's house because they'll be drinking and she doesn't want to drive home drunk. She leaves and so far I am not suspicious in the least.

I got to sleep around 11 that night. When I wake up I see a text from her at 4:05 AM saying she is going to be staying at Michelle's, which is what she told me so, fine. As I'm getting ready for work I hear her iPad ding. She uses iMessages so texts to and from her phone show up on her ipad as well. The text was something harmless from her Mom, but curiosity killed the cat, so I start looking through some of her texts that night. Long story short, at 4:06 AM she sends a text TO Michelle saying that she's at Aaron's house. One minute after she texts me.

I am pretty damned concerned at this point, so I call her. Her phone goes straight to voicemail. I go to work and decide that if I don't hear from her by lunch time, I'm going to start calling people. Noon rolls around and I start calling her friends, starting with Michelle. I tell her who I am, that I'm looking for my wife, I haven't heard from her, I'm worried, etc... She kind of stammers, which stood out right away, and says that she didn't hear her leave, but that she should be home by now. She said that was an hour ago. I call another friend and she said that she hasn't heard from her either. I called this Aaron guy and he doesn't answer. I keep calling my wife's phone and it goes straight to voicemail still. After another hour, I'm super concerned and leave work early to get to the bottom of this. She's still not home when I get there so I text Michelle back that Im super worried and I'm thinking about calling the police. I get a text back saying that nothing's wrong, she found her phone by the couch and my wife told her, before she left, that she was going shopping. Total bull****. Anyway, ten minutes later I get a call from Aaron saying he hasn't seen her or anything. Five minutes after that, I get a call from Michelle's phone but it's my wife. She says that she went shopping but left the phone at Michelle's and it was dead. I asked her about the Aaron's house text and she denies it at first, then makes up some ridiculous story about not meaning to text that. Aaron was driving her back to Michelle's and she texted that on accident.

She denies anything happened. She didn't cheat. She's not like that. I decide to believe her, or at least try to. The problem is I kept having this feeling like Ive been stabbed in the gut. This feeling that something is wrong; something is being kept from me. I hide it for a few days and my wife seemed to be acting strange. We were having a TON of sex all weekend. We had anal sex several times, which she never liked before, but cant seem to get enough of now. All this sticks out in my mind, like compensating behavior or something. Anyway, it all comes to a head and I blow up at her again. She says she didn't cheat, why would she go to Aaron's, it's way out of the way, etc... Again, I decided to try to believe her. This time I was pretty convinced. I felt bad about accusing her, and him for that matter. I told her I wanted to apologize to Aaron as well, which seemed to take her off guard.

The next day, while she's at work, she texts me saying she's anxious about me talking to Aaron. She's never been in this situation before and it's kind of embarrassing. She says that Michelle told Aaron that I thought something happened between him and my wife. So, naturally, I call Aaron right away. Things are getting fishy again. Naturally, he doesn't answer. I leave a polite message saying I just want to talk. I tell my wife and she said he's probably screening my calls. So, I send him a text saying that I'm sorry, he doesn't seem like the type of dude that would have an affair with a married woman. His response is where this really gets weird. He says that he feels for my situation and that he's sorry he lied to me about not knowing where my wife was. BOOM, there's that gut wrenching feeling again. I didn't mention it to my wife. She kept asking me what's wrong, etc... but I tried to play it off.

We go to bed or whatever and the next day I text Aaron back. His number was blocked from my phone! I get the block lifted and text him back basically saying, "WTF are you talking about? Why did you feel compelled to lie to me? What the hell is going on here?"

He said that he never took my wife to Michelle's, because Michelle wasnt there. He said that any other information I'll have to get from my wife, because he wants to stay out of it. Wow I'm mad at this point. Anyway, my wife admits to sleeping on Aaron's couch, but nothing happened because he had his date there. His date is supposedly a girl named Sonya that I've never heard of until now. She lied to me for a week and a half about where she was that night. Her friends lied to me as well. Her explanation was that she felt I wouldn't believe her and that I would leave her. I want to believe she didn't cheat. She's the center of my universe and I would die for her. I still have that feeling though. Should I?

Basically, do I have a right to still be concerned? Some things that stand out in my mind still are:

She said that it was a girl's night out(lie).

She had flavored lip gloss on before she left(weird).

She lied to me about where she was that night.

She has had ongoing correspondence with Aaron sporadically since that night.

Although none since Thursday since I found out at least some truth

All of her texts to Aaron and Michelle have been deleted.

iMessages has been turned off and all messages on her iPad deleted.

I still have that gut feeling.

Ive found this Sonya's number. Im thinking of calling her tomorrow and asking her about that night. Im not sure how Im going to do that without it being creepy. If my wife ultimately did not cheat, I dont want to look like a lunatic. Ive never been possessive or controlling. In two years of marriage and six years of dating, this is the first time I've ever had any of these concerns.

Should I see a counselor? Should I continue to dig? If she didnt cheat, how long should I be mad about the lengths she went to hide the fact that she was at Aaron's? Should I just feel bad and quit life?

For anyone who decide's to talk with me, I appreciate it and I can give you more specific information on times, places, locations, etc... Thank you for reading this. I need some help man.

November 19, 2012

Stop texting Aaron. Listen to your gut. YES YOUR WIFE has been having an affair. She spent the night with another man and Michelle, who now is an enemy to your marriage since she covered for your wife.

You KNOW you're being lied to. your wife is in panic mode which is why she's having anxiety and freaking out.

You want results? Tell your wife to pack a suitcase and GO to Aaron, that you're done and not going to tolerate such lies and her making a fool of you. That you don't trust her and she's turned your world upside down.

Tell her she has to choose, either you or this other guy. If she chooses you, then she calls Aaron in front of you and ends it with him. No contact between them. She asks for a transfer to work at another hospital. Then you two get to counseling and she also goes on her own.

If she can't decide, then you decide for her! Kick her out. Show her that you will not put up with this shi.t and she can't have it both ways, be married and have a boyfriend on the side. Life doesn't work that way.

Sorry for your pain.

Should I see a counselor? Should I continue to dig? If she didnt cheat, how long should I be mad about the lengths she went to hide the fact that she was at Aaron's? Should I just feel bad and quit life?

If she didn't actually 'cheat', she definately is close to and this guy should not be hovering around her knowing full well she's married.

Sleepovers? How old is she? I don't know anybody once married who does sleepovers at a friends house, let alone the next day goes shopping instead of waking up and going directly home. Her story is off and you know this. SHE is going to deny and lie like you wouldn't believe, so watch out! this is why you need to be tough. Tell her you love her and she has to come clean, even if it hurts you to hear what has happened you need to know.

the longer she lies and denies, the harder it'll be to fix things and for you to want to forgive her to work through this and save the marriage.

Edited November 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

November 19, 2012

Thank you both for your responses. We do not have any children, thank God. My

problem is that I dont have concrete evidence, yet at least. I dont feel like I can confront her with the truth about how I feel unless I can prove it. I have no reason to believe she'll tell me the truth based on her conscience alone. I dunno man, this is a freaking hot mess.

November 19, 2012

Where there is smoke, there is fire. We have a whole lot of smoke.

She is lying. Her friends are covering for her. She is going to deny and/or minimize. At this point, don't believe a work out of her mouth. You need to keep investigating. But don't let her know you are. They already know you are suspicious and will do what they can to cover their track. They will also gaslight you to confuse you and throw you off their tracks.

If you can, track all phone and text logs. If her cell phone and your cell phone are on the same plan, you can access those records to see when and who she is calling and texting. Also who is calling and texting her. You won't be able to see what is being texted, but you'll know when. And since she is deleting texts, that is a huge red flag.

Consider getting GPS tracking either on her phone or hidden in her car. That helped me figure out all the times my ex was lying about where she was.

May I ask how old you both are?

I know how much this sucks. I had absolute trust and faith my ex wife. Then to find out it was nothing but lies. Stay strong. There are a lot of people on this board who have been in the exact same situation you are.

November 19, 2012

Your wife is cheating and will lie to cover it up. Stop believing her. End of story.

November 19, 2012

Consider getting GPS tracking either on her phone or hidden in her car

this is already in the works. ATT has this cool feature "Familymap". Has anyone ever used this? Ive looked at call and text records on our cell phone bill extensively. Enough to find some irregularities.

May I ask how old you both are?

Im 28, she's 26. We've been together since she was 17.

I think I know she's cheating; I just dont want to believe it. At this point I don't believe her. I have spoken to a few friends and family that arent involved in this. They all say she wouldnt cheat on me. I just dont believe her anymore. I feel crazy, like Im nuts to think that she could. I feel like everytime I think it, that I betray her somehow. I also feel nuts when Im not snooping because she lied with the subtlety of a jack hammer. I feel like I lose either way. If I can prove it, trust me, I have enough self respect that I would divorce her right away. I just dont want to pull the trigger too early.

Edited November 19, 2012 by Michael.M

November 19, 2012

Thank you both for your responses. We do not have any children, thank God. My
problem is that I dont have concrete evidence, yet at least. I dont feel like I can confront her with the truth about how I feel unless I can prove it. I have no reason to believe she'll tell me the truth based on her conscience alone. I dunno man, this is a freaking hot mess.

Yeah she's cheating. It will be hard to get evidence because women are better at concealing an affair than men. Listen to your gut. Just like WWIU said what grown woman has sleepovers?

Edited November 19, 2012 by stillafool

November 19, 2012

The situation you're in is really difficult. You're in denial. But the facts are clear as day. She is continuing to lie to your face, is engaging in irregular behavior with you, and clearly has done something wrong. I'd argue that you need to find out what the "something wrong" is so you can make an educated decision, but the truth is that if you don't have kids, I would just kick her out of the house now. Don't waste your time and energy on trying to figure out what she's done wrong...kick her out and if she cares about the sanctity of your marriage at all, she will give you the truth. But without kicking her out, the lies will just continue because if she's like most of the cheating spouses on here, she'll think that coming clean with the truth will be much much worse. She doesn't understand that the truth truly can help to begin to set your relationship free (if that's what you ultimately decide) and it's the continuous lies that will destroy it.

But I have to admit to you that if we didn't have a child, I would've kicked my husband to the curb long ago when I realized he'd lied to me ONCE about something as serious as an affair. And her texts, the Michelle cover-up, etc. is already an impressive web of lies. Kick her out and see what she does. If she comes clean about everything, then consider counseling if that's what you really really really want. I don't know nearly enough of your situation to say to just call it quits, but you're young enough that I would give calling it quits a really long look because you currently have much more freedom to leave than if you'd had a child together. Stop calling everyone involved. She has to come clean with the truth or it's going to be worthless if you have to get all the truthful details from your detective work. Focus on you right now and leave all the lies/deceit for her to attempt to fix.

November 19, 2012

I am afraid I have to agree with above posters. Does she knows that you know she lied & you got some information from Aaron? Don't contact Soniya. It doesn't matter whether she was there or not. The main point is she lied & her friends tried to cover up. Sounds more than a just sleepover.

Anyways, end of the day, you have to hit the nail. Sit her & tell her you know she lied & willing to her one & only chance to come clean. You know a lot. Please don't tell her all the details that Aaron told you. Just say you know.

Irrespective of what she says I think you know the answer.

GL.

November 19, 2012

this is already in the works. ATT has this cool feature "Familymap". Has anyone ever used this? Ive looked at call and text records on our cell phone bill extensively. Enough to find some irregularities.

Im 28, she's 26. We've been together since she was 17.

I think I know she's cheating; I just dont want to believe it. At this point I don't believe her. I have spoken to a few friends and family that arent involved in this. They all say she wouldnt cheat on me. I just dont believe her anymore. I feel crazy, like Im nuts to think that she could. I feel like everytime I think it, that I betray her somehow. I also feel nuts when Im not snooping because she lied with the subtlety of a jack hammer. I feel like I lose either way. If I can prove it, trust me, I have enough self respect that I would divorce her right away. I just dont want to pull the trigger too early.

Talking yesterday with a friend whose ex-husband cheated on her after 35 years of marriage with an old girlfriend he reconnected with on facebook and she said her XH's behavior and reasoning was so off that she wondered if he had a brain tumor. No brain tumor. I remember feeling that either my XH was nuts or I was. Sadly, Michael, she is cheating and lying to cover it up. The fact that she is caught and still covering means she isn't willing to come forth with the truth and try to resolve it.

If you are to have any chance of making this marriage work, her honesty is essential. I would not call Aaron or Michelle or Sonya. Tell her you know what she is doing and that if she wants any chance at saving your marriage, she must tell you the absolute truth or leave. Honestly, though, what comes out of her mouth will be suspect.

UGH...some days it seems like the whole world is cheating. Good luck. Be very grateful that you do not have kids to complicate this. Read some of the posts from people who do and see how awful it is to be a person who was faithful and still only gets their kids for 50% of the time because their partner was unfaithful and selfish. Be smart about this. Get your evidence and confront.

November 19, 2012

this is already in the works. ATT has this cool feature "Familymap". Has anyone ever used this? Ive looked at call and text records on our cell phone bill extensively. Enough to find some irregularities.

Yes. This is exactly what I had. It is a very good feature. You can track them from your computer or even from your phone if it's a smart phone. We already had the feature on our plan because of my late grandmother. If you don't already have the feature, you'll have to add it to your plan. If she doesn't look at the bill, no big deal. But if she does, you'll have to explain why you added it to your plan

Im 28, she's 26. We've been together since she was 17.

I think I know she's cheating; I just dont want to believe it. At this point I don't believe her. I have spoken to a few friends and family that arent involved in this. They all say she wouldnt cheat on me. I just dont believe her anymore. I feel crazy, like Im nuts to think that she could. I feel like everytime I think it, that I betray her somehow. I also feel nuts when Im not snooping because she lied with the subtlety of a jack hammer. I feel like I lose either way. If I can prove it, trust me, I have enough self respect that I would divorce her right away. I just dont want to pull the trigger too early.

Of course you don't want to believe it, it is a hurtful truth. It doesn't matter what your friends and family think about her not being one to cheat. My family and friends were shocked about my ex as well. I had several family members tell me that they thought she would be the last person who would cheat. They were wrong also.

You are not nuts. But she will try to make you think you are.

November 19, 2012

Just like WWIU said what grown woman has sleepovers?

For the record, I'm older than your wife and I have sleepovers to avoid drunk driving. Well and we HAVE had "girls night out" that were actually a planned sleepover to drink wine all night & catch up. But anyway that said, in the morning I can't wait to get back to my own house & take a shower, change, relax...definitely never felt like "going shopping."

November 19, 2012

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife would believe such a ridiculous story? You and your wife need to be be tested for STD's. At this point she has no respect for you and clearly believes that you are an idiot. You may want to threaten her with a polygraph.

November 19, 2012

sorry you have found yourself in this place in your life...

it sounds like there is a really good chance your wife cheated on you, but even if she didn't, you still have a problem as she lied to you, and that's not acceptable...

my best advice to you would be to find out as much information as you can and make sure she cheated, that way, there won't always be the small lingering doubt in the back of your mind...you'll be able to make decisions based on full knowledge, and you won't have to second guess yourself

November 19, 2012

I think she's cheating. It has nothing to do with flavored lip gloss - no need to go looking for crazy clues.

1. She told you ahead of time she may stay at Michelle's. That's weird, because you never know how much you are going to drink when going out. To me, this was just setting up the expectation that she wouldn't be home, because she had already made plans to spend the night at Aaron's.

2. Trickle-truth. You saw the text; she denied staying at Aaron's. She said she just drove him home. Then she admitted she stayed there, but this Sonya was there with them. So what's next?

3. Aaron gave the definite impression that something is going on. Why apologize if nothing happened? If he was just a friend who let her crash on his couch, there would be nothing to apologize for.

I would probably call this Sonya person, since your wife is obviously not telling the truth.

Something is going on.

November 19, 2012

I am in a similar situation. I think my problem is I trust to much and I dont want it to be true... I want it to be a misunderstanding. I should probably take my own advice. It really doesnt sound good it really seems like she is cheating on you, If she had nothing to hide she wouldnt have deleted everything. Its really sad but you obviously deserve much better. Good luck

November 19, 2012

If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't be trying so hard to hide things from you. She lied about her whereabouts. She erased her phone and computer records after you got suspicious. I think that's evidence enough that she is cheating. She is probably going to lay low for quite a while now, since you suspect something is up. She may even not try to resume the affair ever, since this incident might have been enough to scare her about the consequences of her actions, so it may be futile to try to trace her at this point. As someone else on this thread said, where there's smoke, there's fire. If there was nothing to hide, she would have called you before going to sleep that night, and let you know where she was, and it would have been the truth.

November 19, 2012

You know......there's software out there that can extract deleted emails from her iPhone. I bet just the threat alone will make her confess.

November 19, 2012

His WW is erasing evidence.

Her friends were caught in lies.

The OM lied to you at first. Then said if you need the truth ask your WW because he did not want to be the one to tell you the truth.

Without WW knowing install spy ware on WW cell, key logger on the PC, hide VAR in the house and WW car, realtime GPS on WW car.

Then gather your evidence.

Schedule a polygraph test for WW. Then tell WW her the date for the appointment. As that date gets close your WW as other WW will trickle truth just enough to hope you think she has told all to get you to cancel the poly. Don't cancel, tell her you need to confirm what she has just told you.

November 19, 2012

While others are focusing on evidence gathering, I would suggest consulting legal counsel for proactive financial/legal moves to protect your interests moving forward. In these situations, people can do otherwise out-of-character things and it's good to protect yourself legally.

Unless you live in a fault state, and wish to go after her for fault and attach her substantial wages as an ER nurse in a settlement/judgement, she could look you straight in the eye and tell you all the sordid details and still clean your clock in a divorce. Priorities. PlanB. Always have a PlanB. Good luck.

November 19, 2012

Mmmm how much more evidences does the OP need.... I don't think it is a matter of evidences anymore... I think is a matter of confronting the WS and have a good and long conversation going through every one of the points you have in your initial post... if she does not want to confess I don't know what to advice you but it looks pretty bad for your relationship since you will be freaking out every time she is out of home and your trust issues will destroy the relationship sooner or later. Sorry man but she needs to speak in order to get to a possible reconciliation... how can you forgive her if she is not asking for forgiveness??

November 20, 2012

By the way what did she buy the day she was "shopping"? I guess she would not have no problem presenting the buying ticket (that always have date and time of the payment)...

November 20, 2012

If she has an iPad and or an IPhone, chances are she used the home computer to charge it up. Therefore, the IPad and or IPhone should have sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that has a record of her texted conversations on that computer. You need to do and engine search for and Iphone file extractor. Download it and run it on your computer and see what you find. Also, if that doesn't turn up anything, put a keylogger on the computer and she what she's doing that way.

Another thing you can do is get two Voice Activated Recorders (VAR's). You can pick them up at Best Buy, Walmart, pretty much anywhere. And go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty velcro. Hide one in the house in the room where she spend most of her time talking on the phone. The second VAR you need to plant under the driver's seat of her car using the velcro to secure it. Most cheaters do the majority of their communication when driving.

Here's the deal with all of the cloak and dagger stuff. Cheaters will normally only admit to what you can prove. If you have no evidence other than a story that doesn't jive right. Well, guess what? Nothing happened. You have no proof otherwise. The more you question without evidence, the more time you give to all parties involved to come up with a believable and viable story to tell you, and now they're all on the same page. That why she wasn't comfortable with you calling Aaron, she may not have had enough time to warn him and get their stories straight.

So, while you're in evidence collecting mode, you need to become a world class actor. That everything is good and you believe everything she told you. You need to play the part of the clueless idiot. You need to get an academy award for your performance. If you're acting suspicious, she's going to hide her affair better. But, if she thinks that all is well and you're a clueless idiot, THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake. And above everything else! NEVER reveal your sources.

November 21, 2012

Also get a P.I., I would..If you have evidence of her cheating things will be a lot smoother for you in Court. Well worth whatever a P.I. Would charge.

Wrong. Too much television, not enough real world experience.

Even the states that still have adultery laws don't enforce them anymore. If they did, that's all they'd ever hear. You could get autographed photos in 3D and the court wouldn't care. Hell, half of them are probably doing the same thing.

IMO, you either trust her, or you don't. What kind of life is checking GPS every time she leaves the house? Snooping emails or her phone? That isn't a life and it certainly isn't a happy marriage. Truth is, you'll always wonder, regardless of how much proof you have, or don't have. She could do the nasty in a car or a closet at work and all the devices would back her innocence.

You either trust her, or you don't.

She's lied and her friends have lied for her. The guy is probably freaking out, wondering what you'll do next. If anything ever happened to her, no matter how innocently, the police would strongly suspect you. Great, eh?

I'd lay it all out and ask her what she'd do if the tables were turned. Then decide. Who wants to be married to someone they can't trust?

Skip all the drama in favor of a productive life that's worth getting up in the morning for. Constant wondering and worrying is imprisonment.

November 21, 2012

Me thinks that the OP has checked out to investigate this matter further. I wish the best for him.

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