What if my distrusting/insec./jealous gf won't take this well?

[Wunderbarr]

Hello everybody,

 

New here but I figured maybe you guys could help me out. I've been together with my gf for over a year, we live together for a few months already and she's really everything I look for as a girlfriend and even a future wife. However, there's one issue, one issue I underestimated right from the beginning:

 

Her insecurity, paranoia, jealousy and what not. Right from the start I had to reassure her how wonderful, beautiful and special she is as she had no self-esteem. When she wasn't around me, she would always question my intentions and feelings, 'I would surely leave her and as I was texting her I was probably with somebody else'. Of course, as a young man in love, I had no troubles explaining my feelings to her. As we saw each other more often her doubts showed less, only when we were not together, always over text. In general she only opens up when we're not together, she only tells me some deeper things via text.

 

She was left/cheated on a few times, that's certainly something that plays a role. I purposely never really asked further about her past, and somewhere I'm wondering if a few of these relationships didn't end because of her fear of being hurt (again?). I opened up to her about a girl I was in love with once (nothing major, I didn't do anything wrong, was a long time before I even met my gf). She instead went mental and sort of got mad that I told her as that means I still had feelings for her.

 

When we started living together it was completely gone... for a few days. After that apparently she went 'balls to the wall' and simply started questioning my intentions and feelings in my face. I continued reassuring her and let her know it started to actually hurt that she doesn't trust me. By this time I've of course looked for a lot of answers about this issue on the internet, hoping I could change it without really confronting her. I've explained her nicely that she should trust me by now, to which she replied that 'soon soon', also I explained to her what a self-fulfilling prophecy is etc. and that she basically is doing that with such behaviour.

 

It never really helped and one day I snapped and I talked to her (nicely but confronting) for 3 hours, without any interaction coming from her, she didn't look at me, stared to the television which was turned off, tears in her eyes and only sniffed while caressing my hand. After 3 hours and multiple times asking WHY she would be so insecure and mistrusting, what I had done wrong to make her distrust me, she finally said that she was afraid of losing me. But I already figured that out. I explained to her that my biggest fear is to lose her, but I'm not afraid of that because I trust and love her and I see she loves me and that she's everything I look for in a partner. But deeper questions than that weren't answered.

 

For a week or two it was perfect, she didn't make any remarks any more at all. But soon it started again, lightly, in a different way. Now she started to believe I fancy women with 'these' and 'these' charasteristics and looks (opposite of her). Whenever I receive a message (be it from a boy or a girl who I've known for years), she loses her mood instantly and suspects all sorts of things. Even though i know what's up when she loses her temper because of her jealousy, I ask her what's up, but she won't tell me.

 

I spend a lot of time with her, I go out once every couple of months. She has access to my fb and phone (not that she asked for it, but all passwords are stored on PC's anyway). I give her no single reason to distrust me, I don't lie to her, I give most of my attention to her. My PDA makes sure everybody knows she's my gf, yet she gets jealous when a 40 year old woman, an ex-colleague, sees me in the mall and we have a quick chat. When we're in a store, she wants me to come into the fittingroom, very coincedental when a lot of other girls are in that store, right in the fittingroom I've to turn around because of how she thinks she looks (while I've seen her countless of times when we were intimate).

 

I've wrote a letter now for my gf, explaining how I feel about it, giving her examples of how I feel how she sets her self up that we will 'fail', but also an example that being afraid that I will cheat all the time will not change the possibility I did or did not cheat on her, and basically that I think it would be for the best if she maybe talked with somebody about it, maybe even somebody professional. It's almost two pages long though but I tried to cover most things.

 

I love her deeply, I show and tell her, but apparently I'm trying to fill an endless void. She does love and care about me, it shows and she tells me, but all this negativity and wasted energy... I can only hope the letter I wrote will be the last push to look at her self. But I'm afraid as it goes on like this that the energy I put into it vs what I get out of it starts to get messed up. I would infact marry her, she's so awesome, but not like this.

 

I didn't give the letter yet, I'll wait for when she is once again in such a mood I think. But what else is left to do? I don't want to leave her but I do understand that if this does not change there's not much left to do unless I'd accept that she does not trust me. And, to be honest, I can't accept that. I've done nothing wrong, not to stroke my ego, but everybody I'm friend with, boy or girl, KNOW they can trust me. Everybody knows, and these people basically do not see me every day, some of them once a week at max. But I've spent all this time with my gf, showed her so much love, affection, romance. I was even at a point I thought by my self this was getting a bit too clingy. I do know she loves me, she doesn't cheat etc. I do trust her, and I don't want to lose her.

 

But what do I do if she does not understand the letter? If she sees it as an insult or attack? If she thinks she doesn't need to talk to somebody and tells me again she will surely change soon? If she, even though I've written it's not a break up letter, takes it wrong and thinks it is? If she does not take it easy?

 

What is left to do?

 

Sorry for the long letter but as you understand, it's a bit hard. Distrusting, insecure, low-selfesteem and closed as a fort... all that together makes it really hard now.

[runningfar]

She needs mental help. There is nothing you can do to fix this. Counseling together if you really must try, be careful. Will she do that for you?

[runningfar]

I should add, she can't fix this by only force of will either. She needs help

[Wunderbarr]

Thanks. I was already kind of afraid of this. Well right now it's not even that bad but I simply know that soon things will change. She's foreign and will leave for 5 weeks soon for christmas. The moment she's not around me and we can only contact via text/internet she opens up a lot more, but in a negative way.

 

She was in a fit when she called to make an appointment for the bus to pick her up. Once she told me when she will leave I obviously was kind of sad, but she just said 'yeah sure'

 

Let me clarify though, one day/moment she can be extremely sweet, loving and caring. In general she really takes care of me, it's so sweet. She does love me, but as you might understand trust should be there as well. It used to be worse than it is after 'the talk', yet it seems as if she seriously does not think just one second before she just makes some kind of remark.

 

To me it sometimes comes accross if it were she really can drop all sweetness, love and care in a blink of an eye whenever she gets in a fit and thinks I will leave her, like she never ever loved me in the first place. I wondered for a long time if she maybe faked all the love/sweetness but I actually suspect she immediately cuts off emotional things or something 'not to get hurt'.

 

Also once she get into a fit and I lose my mood she often starts panicking and caressing my hand while telling me not to be mad.

 

Anyway, thanks. I will see how things go. I will see how things pack out. I would even marry her for all her good things, even her flaws. But I will never ever if she can't get over that jealousy. It's bad to say this, but I alreay know the moment she is in that bus I'll get a complete interrogation over me via text. If that happens I'll certainly once and for all make clear to her what I expect.

 

But it's just so weird. I can't see where this all comes from. Her parents are together, she's never been in a longer and more serious relationship than that she is right now with me. I wouldn't say she got abused but I don't really know, also I would be curious how as intimicaty isn't much of a problem (eventhough she always covers her self up because she thinks she's ugly).

 

Well, will see. I do know reassuring her won't help one bit though (when it's needed 50% of the times she thinks I lie anyway). I will just tell her what I think would be the best. I would turn the world upside down to stay with her but frankly I'm lacking mental energy to deal with this stuff much longer, which is a shame because she is really wonderful.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Hate to tell ya, but this woman is so jacked up you can't even be sure of her feelings for you. Her actions, her emotions, her insecurities and issues allow her to be this all in kinda girl in every relationship, and that's why she's hurt so much because she's had all the walls down.

 

She's emotional, clingy and overwhelming...the amount of reassurance, affection, attention will never be enough, she needs you to accept her the way she is and love her in ways she cannot love herself. That's why she falls in love with men, because she needs them to fill a void that she cannot fill within herself, she doesn't value herself and the more men cheat and lie to her the more justified she feels in being worthless.

 

She's in a downward spiral, a make believe world that she exists at the center of and everything revolves around it emotionally. She'll get worse and worse until she drains you and you've got no fight in you anymore, and then finally leave her like the other guys did so that she can make you feel guilty and so she can feel betrayed and abandoned and like the other guys it will be all your fault.

 

She needs help, mental help, emotional repairs, she's got bigger issues than any one relationship can do. The facts are right in your face, you've done nothing to cause this yet you are suffering all the consequences, it's not a question of your emotions, intentions or whether you are faithful, this is all about her, you're just the center of that vicious cycle right now, the guy that so happens to be there to dig in and try to satisfy her insecurities thinking that maybe if you prove it or assure her enough that she'll just change one day and everything will be perfect...do you realize what you're saying and thinking here?

 

And even if she did, she honestly probably wouldn't even treat you the same. She does everything she does with you and for you at least in part because she doesn't want you to go away, but what are you to her if she does not trust you or feel what you feel for her? think about it, what is she actually seeing or getting from you if she keeps telling you that everything you're essentially doing is wrong even when you aren't? and she doesn't trust you or believe you regardless...so what is the manifestation of who you are to her? does she even see you? or does she just need someone to desperately make her feel love and accepted?

 

These are hard questions to answer and ask, and yet these are questions you should ask, because you have to realize for her life is a very different thing, romance and love are mangled in a twisted mettle of insecurities, emotions, and personal issues she's never gotten over.

 

The best thing you can do is help her help herself, send her to therapy, get her counseling, talk to her about her issues, communicate about things in depth...but always remember like a addict she's going to regress or revert back into this pattern like behavior, kind of like a drunk...the person is in there somewhere but this haze in their eyes purely shows that someone else is in charge and they are somewhere else in that moment.

 

You've got a lot on your plate, and you really don't know what you are getting yourself into. You think this is just a minor bump in the road, something you can fix with talking and reassurance, and by proving your dedication and loyalty, but this woman's going to pull the rug from underneath you, and sabotage things regardless, but she's stuck in a time and place emotionally and internally that she keeps reliving with in her relationships and you're basically in house on fire, and you're trying to close the door to keep out the fire and smoke, but you don't realize you're in the room with the fire but you don't notice it.

 

You're going to get this back and forth, hot and cold, intense then disconnected response with her, and you're going to be trying to figure out what the hell is going wrong.

[Wunderbarr]

Hate to tell ya, but this woman is so jacked up you can't even be sure of her feelings for you. Her actions, her emotions, her insecurities and issues allow her to be this all in kinda girl in every relationship, and that's why she's hurt so much because she's had all the walls down.

I do understand what you say here but I'm not sure, it's coming to the point I could as well start wondering what my parents are feeling for me. Also in general she is always talking sweet about me with others (even when I'm not there), so I think she does have true feelings for me.

 

She's emotional, clingy and overwhelming...the amount of reassurance, affection, attention will never be enough, she needs you to accept her the way she is and love her in ways she cannot love herself. That's why she falls in love with men, because she needs them to fill a void that she cannot fill within herself, she doesn't value herself and the more men cheat and lie to her the more justified she feels in being worthless.

Yeah, I've come to realize that finally. Not to get my ego boosted, I'm pretty good looking. Girls often look at me when I am alone. When I'm with my girl I do have enough PDA to make sure no other girl is going to "come close". Mind you, I don't have this PDA just to be safe though, I'm just like that. But at her work, before we were together, girls were often talking about me so she knows I'm not really unwanted. But I chose her... that alone should mean a lot to her.

 

On the otherhand, my girlfriend is also very stunning eventhough she has no self-esteem, guys look at her all the time and every guy I know who has seen my girlfriend complimented me about her.

 

But I will, when the time is there, and the sad part is, I just know it will come again, explain to her once and for all about self-fulfilling prophecies. She's covered the part that I will betray or leave her. Although I don't have to explain this to you, this behaviour is a huge strain on us, if it won't get better, yep, she will be "right again".

 

She's in a downward spiral, a make believe world that she exists at the center of and everything revolves around it emotionally. She'll get worse and worse until she drains you and you've got no fight in you anymore, and then finally leave her like the other guys did so that she can make you feel guilty and so she can feel betrayed and abandoned and like the other guys it will be all your fault.

That's what I'm afraid of yes. I do love her but if I were to be honest, and I knew this before I went with her, I don't think I would have done it. At first her insecurities were a bit cute, where you might think it's a bit asking for compliments or some sort of. And I really don't have issues telling my girlfriend she looks super, that she's sweet etc.

 

She needs help, mental help, emotional repairs, she's got bigger issues than any one relationship can do. The facts are right in your face, you've done nothing to cause this yet you are suffering all the consequences, it's not a question of your emotions, intentions or whether you are faithful, this is all about her, you're just the center of that vicious cycle right now, the guy that so happens to be there to dig in and try to satisfy her insecurities thinking that maybe if you prove it or assure her enough that she'll just change one day and everything will be perfect...do you realize what you're saying and thinking here?

I've come to realization that it indeed is one big void and I can only satisfy her for so long before it starts again. No matter how she will bring it, she will. I do understand she needs help but the problem is, as she's foreign, she can't really get it in my country. And she will only leave for 5 weeks to hers. I don't know much about such help, but I do know it might take months if not years.

 

And even if she did, she honestly probably wouldn't even treat you the same. She does everything she does with you and for you at least in part because she doesn't want you to go away, but what are you to her if she does not trust you or feel what you feel for her? think about it, what is she actually seeing or getting from you if she keeps telling you that everything you're essentially doing is wrong even when you aren't? and she doesn't trust you or believe you regardless...so what is the manifestation of who you are to her? does she even see you? or does she just need someone to desperately make her feel love and accepted?

Well, to be short. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm someone who is or has been cheating and playing around a lot while I've never done it to begin with. I feel trapped. At some point I got to the point I felt uncomfortable opening FB to see I've a message. My girl already went 'Oooh, probably from your honey', where as I look it's just a guy or even my mom. I just keep wondering what if one day a girl actually somehow contacts me saying she's a crush on me or something. To her that would be I cheated 88 times already while I've done nothing.

 

Not to forget that she actually has had guys flirting with her and "that's nothing". I don't get jealous. She even got hit on by her instructor for her drivers license, where she had to step in his car everyday while I was 1500km away. Sure it's uncomfortable, but I trust her. Will I know for sure nothing happened? No, but that's what trust is about. I actually use it as a reason to compliment her on her looks.

 

These are hard questions to answer and ask, and yet these are questions you should ask, because you have to realize for her life is a very different thing, romance and love are mangled in a twisted mettle of insecurities, emotions, and personal issues she's never gotten over.

Yes, I'll certainly use some of your questions once the time is there. Even if it's too late for us, I would already be happy that if those questions would actually be a little push for her to realize everything so she will be happy, even if it's with someone else (damn, see me talking like I'm already sort of accepting this:( ). In anyway, she should not have to live like this. Only thing that's needed is that she for once opens up if this converstation starts. If she will just sit quietly, pulling all her walls up in a milisecond. She doesn't even attack me back or defend her self. It's like she doesn't understand, she wants the talk to be over ASAP, doesn't connect with me other than her hand stroking my arm, sniffing and having wettened eyes (not crying, obviously trying not to cry). This alone worries me. I want her to tell me what she thinks and feels but obviously she can't.

 

The difference is, I wait for her after her work while I've been studying all day and have a massive headache, yet I sit there with a smile because I get to see my girl again but the moment she's there she apparently has had a crap day and no mood because her nail broke for example.

 

The best thing you can do is help her help herself, send her to therapy, get her counseling, talk to her about her issues, communicate about things in depth...but always remember like a addict she's going to regress or revert back into this pattern like behavior, kind of like a drunk...the person is in there somewhere but this haze in their eyes purely shows that someone else is in charge and they are somewhere else in that moment.

I hope I can find something to help her, but I do know I won't be able to help her. She will need to understand there's really an issue and it's certainly not my issue.

 

You've got a lot on your plate, and you really don't know what you are getting yourself into. You think this is just a minor bump in the road, something you can fix with talking and reassurance, and by proving your dedication and loyalty, but this woman's going to pull the rug from underneath you, and sabotage things regardless, but she's stuck in a time and place emotionally and internally that she keeps reliving with in her relationships and you're basically in house on fire, and you're trying to close the door to keep out the fire and smoke, but you don't realize you're in the room with the fire but you don't notice it.

 

You're going to get this back and forth, hot and cold, intense then disconnected response with her, and you're going to be trying to figure out what the hell is going wrong.

She's my first serious gf, and I know girls are "different", but yes, you're right and in someway I've already realized most of it, meaning that I do see this is not supposed to be and this certainly can't continue much longer.

 

I've indeed been wondering at moments "Is this supposed to be? What am I doing wrong she doesn't trust me? I am pretty certain other people do not have these issues". On the outside we look awesome, but from the inside, she's indeed pulling the far from solid fundamental of our relationship apart.

 

I already feel actually crappy coming on the internet to get a better idea about this, revealing these problems.

 

And once again sorry for an epic long post but sort of needed it I guess:( Bad part is, things are great right now, but it's to the point I know that within a month, or when she leaves to her parents for a few weeks, it will start all over again. Like the silence before the storm really. I do understand that if she won't recognize anything or she won't seek help that I will have to tell her she will have to or else... Makes me sick, and that alone makes me realize how much I actually love her. Why can't she see how beautiful it all could be if she would just switch from being so pessimistic about everything to optimistic!? I don't even know if she sees that. ****...

[BetheButterfly]

What is left to do?

 

Sorry for the long letter but as you understand, it's a bit hard. Distrusting, insecure, low-selfesteem and closed as a fort... all that together makes it really hard now.

 

 

I'm sorry. She's been hurt super-bad.

 

If you truly love her like you say, it's going to take a lot of time, hard work on your part, fun times, and a lot of precious memories to break down her walls and to free her from the fear that has her entrapped in distrust and jealousy. If you truly love her and she truly loves you, time and that love will eventually win. It takes a lot of time though for a person who has been hurt really bad to learn how to trust again. It's like if a person gets in a horrible accident and has to learn how to walk and talk again.

[lovebug1234]

she has mental issues (i have a background in counseling), she needs to get therapy, how old is she? if she is young then she's still just growing up (up to around 27), after that, she has some personality disturbances. it's going to be a long tiring road for you if she doesn't get help.

 

why do i know this? because i use to be like her.

[Wunderbarr]

I'm sorry. She's been hurt super-bad.

 

If you truly love her like you say, it's going to take a lot of time, hard work on your part, fun times, and a lot of precious memories to break down her walls and to free her from the fear that has her entrapped in distrust and jealousy. If you truly love her and she truly loves you, time and that love will eventually win. It takes a lot of time though for a person who has been hurt really bad to learn how to trust again. It's like if a person gets in a horrible accident and has to learn how to walk and talk again.

Well, I understand this. Basically I understood I had to just be there and show her from within the first few months we were together. But it's getting to the point where one starts questioning all the effort he has put in and how many he has still to give.

 

Also a lot of time... I understand 6+months for somebody who has trust issues is nothing weird, but what is a long time? 8 months? 12 months? 10 year? I am pretty sure, if it wasn't for 'this', I would really marry her one day. She does have her little flaws but that's what makes her.

 

Eventhough once she used to be really shy for the future, she is loosening up and also stated that she wants to marry me one day. I know it's depending on work and uni for a while, so it will take a couple of years before this all actually matters. But I'm sort of afraid, what if she, when careers are more established, still has these issues? Mostly marriage/children are NOT to fix things, although marriage sometimes can help, I'm not taking that risk, I want to marry only once with the right person.

 

So, that really bothers me. And it's still going to be easily 4 or 5 years down the line before all of this matters, I know that. For some reason I believe things are slowly getting better like marriage/future talks, but the next moment she's unsure about next month plans because she's afraid we won'[t be together for some reason. Now I'm still willing to give in, but I catch my self more often reacting annoyed or even pissed off.

 

she has mental issues (i have a background in counseling), she needs to get therapy, how old is she? if she is young then she's still just growing up (up to around 27), after that, she has some personality disturbances. it's going to be a long tiring road for you if she doesn't get help.

 

why do i know this? because i use to be like her.

She's 23 years old. I'm sort of thinking about she has to get help but as I wrote above, sometimes things are better but it shows things are not the way they should be.

 

Even yesterday she was uncertain as she will be leaving for 3 weeks. She was telling me with a pokerface, like it's a serious option, that we will see how things are when she returns because I already might have found someone else.

 

I actually showed her I was hurt (didn't say so but made sure body language was strong (and it actually did hurt)). Then I told her it's stupid to suspect this all the time, that it won't change if I am actually going to cheat on her or not. Things were great after that. But, I already know how things will be once she's not here and are only able to text. I might bet my entire life that within 3 days she comes up with something again.

 

So if this happens, I will infact put her under pressure, to advice her to talk with somebody about it and that I can not handle it anymore. I still can, probably for a few months, but I'd rather have her become aware of her actions before I actually can not deal with this stuff anymore and everything we have blows up because I didn't 'warn' her/pressure her to do something about it.

 

If she's going to continue this without seeking help and worthless promises (it won't happen again etc. etc.), at least I let her know and I will see how long it will last. But for the love of god, I just hope she finally sees what she's doing. It gets to the point where I start to count the flaws, which I love her for, as a negative factor with her insecurities. Luckily I am aware of that so I drop that ASAP, but it matches what they say 'Once you dislike somebody EVERYTHING becomes annoying'.

 

But it's so... ****ty. I won't give her a letter though, as I've made some points to her last time. But I will damn sure make her see what she's doing to us. Sometimes I want to believe she just looks for some kind of drama, but I don't think it is, otherwise she could have done so much more I actually would have dumped her a long time ago. As you put it, she does have issues. I just don't understand why people can not start the day with a smile, why they can not chose the positive side of their doubts, why they have to doubt EVERYTHING in the first place. It's just so crushing.