eGuy2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 (edited) Details: R-Ship length: 3.5-4 years Me: Male, mid twenties Her: Female, mid twenties Details: Over the years I slowly stopped being myself. My girl friend kept trying to tell me this but I was just blind to her concerns. I was constantly grumpy, anti-social due to high anxiety and suffered from constant headaches. About one month ago she decided to move out from living with me. I was a daily smoker of marijuana (every day, multiple times daily) and it didn't interfere with my college education and goals so I thought it wasn't a problem. However, I didn't realize until I quit (40-45 days ago from today) that it was the cause of my high anxiety and constant headache/migraines. I have been feeling fantastic and back to my old self after quitting. I do not even desire to smoke again since I have realized the negative side effects it personally caused me. My ex girlfriend acknowledges that this was most likely the root of my problem. However, she is still very hurt and betrayed by my actions. Some of the major reasons as to why we broke up are because I didn't meet her family when they travelled here to the US. I didn't make an effort to meet them because I had such high anxiety and did not feel good at all. I also declined to attend an out of state wedding with her because of the same issues. Understandably she felt betrayed by this and felt like she wasted her time in this relationship because after all of the time we spent together I didn't meet her family/friends. Here is a messages she sent to one of my friends who asked her about us (I didn't know my friend contacted her about this, I shared with him that we broke up but I didn't expect him to try to help by contacting her) Because he failed to meet with my family while they were here in the us on vacation. After 3 1/2 years, He did not have the balls to hang out with my family or any of my friends.... so... since the relationship was not serious for him.. i decided to stop wasting my time I acknowledge his feelings but still does not change anything. I gave him 3 1/2 years and he did not appreciated me. I am tired. I dont want to be in a relationship anymore. I am happier being single. I wont get involved in this kind of mess in a LONG TIME. I know he is very special but i cannot take it anymore. I am very sorry too. It took me a long time to figure this out. Trust me, I had all the hopes this story was going to have a happy ending. He called his shots, now it is time to call mine. All of these heartfelt apologies, flowers, and eurekas came a little too late. I am left wondering how come, despite all my bitching, they did not come any sooner... I do not want to think that I wasted these past years. I am trying to accept that it was all part of the learning process. He is very dear to me, and he will always be. But at this point of my life I am spent.Thank you for trying to help. I appreciate it. Right after she officially broke up with me 1 week ago I told her everything, about the smoking being the root of my problem and how I understand how that must sound realizing this so late. I informed her how much I care about her and how I want to do nothing but make things right. I have been showing her my real self and asked to see her, asked to attend a family event of hers for thanksgiving and other things that I wouldn't have normally done while under my anxiety. She kept denying my attempts. Understandably she is very hurt and defensive. I asked her the following question: "If you are very certain now and dont feel you need to think about if you do not wish to see me again then just tell me and I will leave you alone -- I just want you to be the happiest you can be. If you are unsure though, I will give you all the time and space you want and not bug you."She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to see me again, wanting time to think. We have both communicated and made it clear that we are not interested or going to see other people during this time. I am very certain that she is being honest with me and is not seeing anyone else during this time. I informed her yesterday after talking with her to go have some fun this thanksgiving week and to contact me when she got back. I told her that during this time I will not bug her while she thinks about our future. I broke my no-contact with her a couple hours ago (she is at work) and told her the following: "I wanted to tell you that me not contacting you isn't because I don't care, its just what I think you want/need. Not sure if I am wrong."to which she responded, "You are right. I know that is why you are not contacting me. It is hard, I know. I am sorry. It hurts to know that you are sad. I could not be unhappy anymore. I miss you. I won't lie.. but I just could not take it anymore"to which I responded "Yes, I understand, you must've felt so hopeless for so long and I realize why you are alarmed by my late discovery & change, I am too. Alright, was just making sure you knew my intentions."She hasn't responded back but may just be busy at work to have responded yet. I only broke my no-contact promise with her because I wasn't sure if I made my intentions clear and I didn't want her to feel hurt/confused. I am not sure what to think now. I personally do not know why she would want to think about the situation unless she felt like she would want to give me another chance to prove myself. I think that if she wasn't interested in giving me a chance she would've just told me that she didn't want to think about it and to just move on. I care about her very much and I am very sure that the cause of my problems was my heavy drug use. I want nothing more than to make things right but I am unsure what to think or do from here. I am trying to be very logical and mature about this. I graciously accept any advice or outlooks on my situation. Thank you so much for anything anyone can offer me during this time. *UPDATE* She gave me a call this morning to see how I was. I just acted like myself and told her about me re-connecting with some of my old buddies I lost touch with over the years due to my anxiety. Kept it light hearted and let her know about some of my plans I have for this week when the conversation led there. She said that was cool and informed me she is going to hang out with her aunt/family on tuesday-thursday. I told her that was good and hoped she had a good time. I then ended the conversation as we are both about to get some sleep. Overall it seemed to go well. I am guessing she was just trying to feel me out and see how I would respond? Not sure, either way it was great to hear from her and even better to hear her not being so guarded/defensive anymore. Edited November 19, 2012 by eGuy2012
Tmo2 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Keep working on yourself, Have you stopped smoking before or after the breakup? This wasn't clear to me (How much time since the BU?)... I am living a similar situation myself, I also was smoking pot and it made me forget who I was and it changed how I lived daily with her. We were Long distance and she eventually started to open up with other guys. In my situation means she has moved on and I need to do the same. In your case, maybe not, but there was a deep problem and thats why she left. Work on bettering yourself, with time she might like the ''new'' you and decide to give it another shot, keep in mind it might never come back, she is not your girlfriend anymore... Good luck
Kite Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I am very sorry you are going through this. I think she needs time. Give her time to cool off and let the resentment fade. Don't come across as needy, you have to show her you are confident. I think you can after a bit let her know that you will always be there for her, as a friend or whatever, this may give you an opportunity to show her the changes you have made. Sometimes when people give up on a relationship they just can't go back. Bare this in mind and attempt to move on with your life whilst trying to be there for her.
Author eGuy2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it very much. I am just hoping for the best now and playing it cool. It seems like things may be going towards us getting back together. I am not sure why else she would contact me being nice, coupled with the fact that she said she isn't 100% sure if she wants me back or not (and wanting neither of us to start seeing others during this time) Since she called me though I don't know how to react -- do you think I should keep up my end of the no contact and just let her initiate from here on out?
Author eGuy2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Still hasn't really warmed up to me after about a week so far. Perhaps that is too early for me to take her response as a no. I am thinking another week with no-contact on my part before I should just take it as a "no". Any suggestions?
Tmo2 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Still hasn't really warmed up to me after about a week so far. Perhaps that is too early for me to take her response as a no. I am thinking another week with no-contact on my part before I should just take it as a "no". Any suggestions? Why don't you take it as a No today? She did leave right? Wich is a no. Prepare for the worst, in the end remember that even in relationship we are alone. Think about yourself, what would you do with your life if she wasn't there?
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