Nancy B Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 So me and my new boyfriend are getting along good. We have discusses possibly becoming long distance in Spring as a new job will take him overseas. A year ago he met a woman on vacation and they had a sexual encounter. She is visiting our country soon and asked if she could crash at his place. He has one bed and agreed to this. He mentioned it to me, nonchalantly. I wasn't happy. I told him he should've asked me first. In the heat of the argument i told him I didn't trust the situation or him. He said he was shocked by my reaction and it's not a big deal. I later apologized and things are okay now. This was our first argument and I feel really down now. He has been behaving more distant now and I fear for our future. Was I unreasonable?
LittleTiger Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 No you weren't! I'm not the jealous type and my partner having female friends is not an issue. My ex husband stayed over with one his best female friends (single) more than once during our marriage and it wasn't a concern - because they were friends not sex buddies - but I would draw the line at having an ex sex-playmate coming to stay over for the night while I wasn't there. Never mind if he asked you or not - it's stepping over the line in my opinion. 2
Author Nancy B Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 I'm glad that people seem to think I'm in the right. Fetishman, your response is a bit dramatic. I trust him, not the situation and I certainly don't believe he has any resentment towards me, this is the early stage of our relationship. Our arguement ended with me saying I trusted him and giving him my blessing. But I still feel irritated by it. Perhaps we just come from different worlds!
peytondoll Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I would not put up with this. In my opinion, guys that do stuff like this have no boundaries in relationships. While I am happy you trust him (and he probably does have good intentions) this is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. Maybe I am biased, but I have had several friends have boyfriends that did this stuff and it never turned out well. They always turned out to be guys that didnt understand boundaries and caused trust issues with their girlfriends
Author Nancy B Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 That is my fear. I asked him was I going to have to deal with stuff like this in future. He offered to change the plan, find somewhere else for her to stay. But she is still joining him and his friends for a second night at a cabin. I didnt want the drama of his friends having to let her stay, or him having to blow her off. I worry that perhaps our differing views on this may lead to further differing values and boundaries. I was really starting to fall for him. This sucks
pteromom Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 You are absolutely in the right. This isn't a female FRIEND of his. This is a woman he met a year ago and had a sexual encounter with. She has no business staying at his house, and as his girlfriend, you have a right to object. I think his lack of common sense in this situation is a big red flag. 1
pteromom Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 But she is still joining him and his friends for a second night at a cabin. Is it an option that you go as well? I find this whole situation odd. Why does he want so badly to see some woman he had sex with once? 1
Art_Critic Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 If he isn't going to sleep on the floor of the living room then he is so going to try and hit it again, or at the very least he is thinking about it. No way he will sleep in the same bed with her and not try.. What do you think he will do when she rubs up against him and strokes him ?? I would tell him that he needs to have her go to a hotel or he needs to go to your place while she crashes at his.
newmoon Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 the first major fight with a bf/gf really sucks. but, unless it's a fragile relationship you will come out of it just fine and stronger as a couple for working through it. and i agree with a majority of the other posts - having this girl stay with him is not ok - disrepectful and questionable and does erode some trust
Author Nancy B Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Pteromom - he is a keen traveller, he has seen most of the world and he makes friends a long the way. This girl was really helpful to him on his travels. It is an option for me to go on the trip but I can't because I'm out of the city that weekend. I think his intentions are good, but like you say the lack of common sense are discouraging.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 C'mon people, it's one thing if he said... "hey honey boo boo child!, a friend that I've traveled with is coming into the country and she asked if she could stay over my place for a day or two (or whatever), I understand you might be uncomfortable with that but you can trust me, we're just friends and I'd like to return the favor of having her stay at over at no expense to her travels or what not" It would still be a bad idea but you could still give him some tiny bit of credit, however Instead, he handles it like a teenager and is like... "Hey guess what dad, wrecked the car I'll talk to you later!" then scurries up the stairs. Why? because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it and he didn't care what you had to say about it, he wanted to avoid the situation altogether and now that you're all up and arms over it he's going to act like you're the crazy one, he's "telling" you how it's going to be and you have no say so...so what does that say about your relationship and his boundaries? it means he's going to be the one to draw them, you are merely a bystander. This basically bumps your relationship down to FWB status IMO, because c'mon, was the guy born yesterday or just a complete idiot? take your pick...are you really going to buy the naive card? "oh i didn't know you'd be mad, seriously it's no big deal!" I mean c'mon, I've done some unsavory things in my day and I know the other guys who have and there's a drastic difference between how a man acts when he prioritizes his relationship from one who does not, I don't know why people...even for LS are so tolerant of this kind of so many screwed up situations that are clear as day, or should be. And then you apologized? lol, there you go, you just let him get his way and get away with it because god forbid you have any say so in the relationship and can't say when something has crossed the line in which he clearly has, regardless of whether he cheats on you or not...because oh no, we don't want to piss off mr boyfriend too much or he'll choose this other girl and I don't want to be on bad terms...I'm sorry, but that's just pathetic, you just stepped down when you should have put your foot down. Now he's acting more distant and you're worried about your relationship? what relationship? obviously it's up to him to decide whether one exists or not from the looks of it to me. This guy doesn't sound like he takes this relationship seriously nor does he seem want to be settling down, his actions are really typical to me as a guy who is willing to fool around with this girl, and guess what, they have a super tight relationship so don't think she's going to sell him out which is what men worry about, once they know the girl is hush hush about something then they're free to act uninhibitedly because most guys are more worried about being "busted" than anything else. And now he's going to be long-distance? relationship doomed IMO, I wouldn't even waste my time If I were you, and that's my honest opinion and advice but I know, you'll try anyway. I very much doubt this guy will take this long-distance and if he does I doubt he'd honor the relationship if something was available there. His actions are completely text book to me to a guy who's got his own agenda. "My ex husband stayed over with one his best female friends (single) more than once during our marriage and it wasn't a concern - because they were friends not sex buddies" Good luck believing in that one, I've been a man and talked to tons of men in my life about personal situations and experiences, I wouldn't bet a dollar on that one in favor of nothing happening, I know what men tell women is completely different than what they actually do and how they actually think. Not to mention he only met this girl one year ago so that makes it a no-brainer, it's not like they've been friends for years even where you could even slightly convince me that it was just a friend deal. And the guy better be pretty damn beta too on top of it.
LittlePrince Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Solution: 5 hour energy. If it doesn't kill one of you then at least you'll have more energy.
Author Nancy B Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the detailed response Ninja in Pyjamas. It was very insightful and helpful. I only apologised for saying 'I dont trust you' in the heat of the argument. I have stood my ground on the rest of it. I have some thinking to do. Today I found out he has arranged somewhere else for her to stay. :/ Edited November 20, 2012 by Nancy B
mitchell Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Thanks for the detailed response Ninja in Pyjamas. It was very insightful and helpful. I only apologised for saying 'I dont trust you' in the heat of the argument. I have stood my ground on the rest of it. I have some thinking to do. Today I found out he has arranged somewhere else for her to stay. :/ Yes, but he's also thinking about how controlling you are along with your lack of trust. I suspect he needs to figure out the extent of your relationship.
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