thembones Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Short run-down.. together 3 years, she left me because we did not get engaged soon enough. She was not 100% invested in the relationship and did not WANT to try anymore. Very very little contact for 3 months after break up (solid 2 months NC) and then I get signs to contact her. We meet, talk and I ask her if she can forgive and take me back. She gets emotional and says no. Either way, I had to know. Why do I still think there is a sliver hope? I do not know what I am holding on to and for what reason. I know she does not want me back, but I guess I cannot fully comprehend why. Maybe it was her mother, wanting to party, concentration on work, or a plethora of other reasons. Regardless, she will always tell me that it was because we were not engaged soon enough. I know it was more than that. I am not really holding on, but some nights, I think she will text me and want to reconcile. I am a lot better than I once was, but I still think about her a lot. I tell her to get out of my head (figuratively), but it never gets resolved. I am sure she will regret leaving me, one day. My fear along is that when she does try to come back, I won't want anything to do with her. Why is full acceptance so hard?!
Indy C Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Hey 3 years is a long time man, and thats going to leave a gap in your life. It's not going to just go away. Unfortunately allowing yourself time to think and reflect on it isn't the best medicine, and I know lying in bed at night is when you become most vulnerable. I have literally told my ex to get out of my head and let me go to sleep before. (not to her directly but just saying it out loud.) Here lately to keep that from happening I've been reading books before going to sleep and listening to ambient sounds to keep my mind from wondering. Rain and storm sounds work best for me. Dont know how much help this will be, but I wish you the best man. Stay strong! 2
pleasenotagain Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 what do you mean by you had signs to contact her? As a female. if she is getting emotional, then theres something inside her that wants to but is afraid. No emotions = she just doesnt care. Maybe its just me but thats how I am. i dont get emotional if i dont want someone back, I say it like it is. sorry dont have a lot of advice to offer but......one thing you said did strike a chord with me though........... exactly how i feel. "My fear along is that when she does try to come back, I won't want anything to do with her. Why is full acceptance so hard?! "
Author thembones Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355300-i-broke-nc-after-2-months-questions-abound That is a link to another post I made about contacting her. I had a lot of little signs that led me to believe I had to contact her. I had to know whether she was feeling the same way or not. I should not have seen her at all on the day I contacted her, but this little old man stopped me for 5 minutes and asked for directions. I saw her, but should not have. She even said I should not have seen her, because she left early for work. I thought it was some sort of divine intervention. I did not want to live with "what if" lingering over me. I tried and I am not mad that I did. It was for the best for me. Thanks for a female's insight, as I do not have a ton of it. I kinda agree with what you said about something inside her telling her to be afraid. Maybe that has something to do with it, but I am done trying. I thought for 3 months she did not care, but I was very wrong. I don't even think I want her back. It would be so difficult. I just want to feel wanted.
Bito Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 It's really hard and it will be for a long time. You seem to have the wrong kind of mindset imo. You should not fear moving on. If she does not want anything to do with you then it's her ****ing loss you know? The only person you need to feel wanted by is you. Anything else is just your ego. Do not rely so much on external sources for happiness.
YorickBrown Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Hey 3 years is a long time man, and thats going to leave a gap in your life. It's not going to just go away. thembones...them up there is the answer to your topic question and this: Why is full acceptance so hard?! 3 years is already too long imho, most ladies nowadays (and I may just get some comments on this:rolleyes:) I dont think can "stay that long" in a relationship ---especially nowadays where its sooo easy to "hook up" and "slut away" er, i meant "slink away". Inversely, because of the prevalence of this uhm "practice", men (ok, like us), want to be a bit "more certain" in our choices of our life partners hence prolonging the relationship a bit further than we would want to or need to...Unfortunately, look where that got us, er, you...she became fed up and tired (unfair, i know) but that's the way we "kinda programmed" ourselves...."testing it thoroughly before you buy". Which is really good practice. This is probably the reason why you're saying My fear along is that when she does try to come back, I won't want anything to do with her. Unfortunately, you're also getting tired "testing the merchandise"....why?!? Do I really need to spell it out for ya? Because...most likely somebody else (a whole plethora of them) also "tested the merchandise" if and when she comes back to you. My advice: just let it go, i know, we hate the waste of time and effort and energy we spent on the testing...er I mean, the relationship...but in the end it just wasnt meant to be. Just be sure, when you do "give it up" or "returned it"....you withdraw everything you "deposited" (uhm,not not only money but like sperm) coz I assure you, you wont be a happy customer when she comes back running to you with a "two-fer" claiming no return, no exchange. You'll be paying for it the rest of your life.
magnoliasoutherly Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355300-i-broke-nc-after-2-months-questions-abound I did not want to live with "what if" lingering over me.When I hear that, I can never fault it. When in high school, I had a boy that was gorgeous and just kissed me out of the blue. It was a hot melting kiss that I never EVER expected. He wrote me a love letter professing his dying love and that he wanted me to break up with another boy I was dating and see him and only him. There were two problems. First, the boy I was dating was his best friend and second, my best friend was in love with him. It would have been a double betrayal. He was apparently so devastated that he even managed to transfer schools. A year later, he died in a hit and run accident. All my life I've wondered if I had just dated him, would he still be alive? That is the biggest "what if" I've ever had and when I hear it, I can never say "bad idea." In fact, I usually will say quite the opposite. Okay, so /story. Now onto the problem at hand. It sounds like she (from your other post) wants you to be pining for her. I was surprised that she actually admitted to you about her reading your FB. I also was amused at your confusion by it. She was hoping you would say, "Well I do the same to you!" But you didn't and that probably didn't help. Not saying that you should lie, I'm just saying that she stepped into that one herself. lol! One thing you have not stated is why you are reluctant to marry her. When you went to see her, did she ask you about it? Have you ever told her why? To be honest, it is perfectly reasonable that she is tired of waiting on you. I'm sure if it were in reverse, you may feel the same. The only way I can see a reconciliation is if you ask her to marry you, but don't ask if you really aren't sure. You must be 100% certain. Hugs to you.
Author thembones Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) It sounds like she (from your other post) wants you to be pining for her. I was surprised that she actually admitted to you about her reading your FB. I also was amused at your confusion by it. She was hoping you would say, "Well I do the same to you!" But you didn't and that probably didn't help. Not saying that you should lie, I'm just saying that she stepped into that one herself. lol! One thing you have not stated is why you are reluctant to marry her. When you went to see her, did she ask you about it? Have you ever told her why? To be honest, it is perfectly reasonable that she is tired of waiting on you. I'm sure if it were in reverse, you may feel the same. The only way I can see a reconciliation is if you ask her to marry you, but don't ask if you really aren't sure. You must be 100% certain. I am sorry for your school friend, that is a terrible theoretical "what-if" scenario! I am not "pining" for her, but I do miss her. She left me, so if she REALLY wanted to get back together, she would be the one to initiate it. I was shocked that she told me she read my FB so often and probably was offended I was not doing the same. I told her that it was just too hard for me and it kinda upset me that it was so easy for her. Why were you amused at my confusion by that fact? What difference does it make if I am "pining" for her? I laid it all out, she KNOWS how I feel about her. If she does not, something is wrong. Why was I reluctant? I would not say I was reluctant really. We lived together for 11 months and from what I hear, a good judge of "marriage-material" is living together for 1 year. I had engagement plans set up for just over that time frame. Upto that point, I probably was not ready. Not because I was unsure of her, just that I was unsure of myself.. wanted a better job, to be finished with school, and all around better off. At the end, I was ready but it was too late. It is reasonable that she got tired of waiting, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I do think that there were other factors involved. She kept saying not to blame myself and that she waited as long as she could. She also stated numerous times that "it would have happened anyways, better now than when we were married/had kids." That line irks me the more time that passes. It has been almost 4 months since she left me. If I asked her to marry me out of the blue, there is no way she would say yes. I do not even know if that is what I want anymore. I just wanted to TRY to fix the relationship that I thought was going so well. I am sorry but she would hate me forever if I pulled that. Then I would have wasted more money on another ring and I would be back at step 1 again. Edited November 24, 2012 by thembones
Recommended Posts