secretlady76 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 The MM/MW may put their spouse/kids first whilst they're sorting out their affairs after d-day. They can't think logically until they NC their AP.....which they tend to do after dday.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 No, people assume that the MM/W's purpose is to serve themselves and that they don't care how it hurts or affects anyone else..which is true. Unless they're in an open marriage, MM/W ARE cheaters and liars..they are cheating on their spouses and lying about it. It IS always the case. What would you call sleeping with someone else when you're married and then not telling your husband or wife about it? How is that not cheating and lying? I do see your point, and in the technical sense you are absolutely correct. I am in no way condoning this behavior, But lets face it, human beings, by nature are flawed. Things DO happen. Its not always so cut and dry.. I do see where you are going though.... TFOY
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I think you should now start to examine why you expect a married man to put you first and why you got involved in the first place. I don't need to examine anything further. You might try examining why you feel the need to slam me. I expected a man who told me he wanted to spend his life with me to put me first. I got involved for friendship and understanding of similar marriages.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 OK...Allow me to be the Devil's Advocate here for a moment.... I dont know if this is the case here, but it seems as though even if love "happens" as a by product of an affair, everyone seems to think there is deceit and foulplay by the MM(or MW). Who is to say?? It can happen and CAN be real! What if the MM is telling the truth and has a real, undying love for the new person in his/her life? I don't believe there was any deceit by my MM. At the same time, he told me it would be a few years until his children were out of the house and he could leave. I'm not interested in waiting a few years for a maybe. I would have waited if there was a realistic timeframe. Without that, he's only offering me a someday that may never come. I'll take that chance. Actions mean everything. I can't be told I'm the priority yet he chooses to spent most of his time away from me. How he could resent me when he has his family and me is beyond me. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect couldn't tolerate that with a promise of "in a few years."
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 End it. That's my suggestion and let yourself grieve the loss so you can find a (single) man who will put you first and love ONLY you. If you choose to stay with your MM, know that you won't be first in his life. That's just how affairs go. I did end it. That was the point of my update.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 OK...Allow me to be the Devil's Advocate here for a moment.... I dont know if this is the case here, but it seems as though even if love "happens" as a by product of an affair, everyone seems to think there is deceit and foulplay by the MM(or MW). Who is to say?? It can happen and CAN be real! What if the MM is telling the truth and has a real, undying love for the new person in his/her life? I don't believe there was any deceit by my MM. At the same time, he told me it would be a few years until his children were out of the house and he could leave. I'm not interested in waiting a few years for a maybe. I would have waited if there was a realistic timeframe. Without that, he's only offering me a someday that may never come. I'll take that chance. Actions mean everything. I can't be told I'm the priority yet he chooses to spent most of his time away from me. How he could resent me when he has his family and me is beyond me. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect couldn't tolerate that with a promise of "in a few years." Understood and I clearly see your point... Just out of curiosity, what would YOU consider a "realistic timeframe"? TFOY
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I did end it. That was the point of my update. Understood and I clearly see your point... Just out of curiosity, what would YOU consider a "realistic timeframe"? TFOY I would consider formulating a plan with reasonable time frames. Meeting with an attorney, examining finances, etc. The key here is words versus actions. "I want to spent my life with you....in a few years" doesn't cut it. If you love someone, you make it happen.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 He already promised to spend his life with his wife. You are very naive. With all due respect... That logic says that no one ever "moves on" from a bad relationship into a more suitable one? Not trying to be argumentative, just please clarify that for me.. TFOY 1
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 He already promised to spend his life with his wife. You are very naive. Did she promise to nag him every day of his life and make him miserable? You sound like a bitter wife whose husband found someone to treat him better, too. I don't regret my affair. I'm not naive. Everyone has a breaking point when they seek happiness elsewhere. While many men seek affairs for a thrill, plenty more have crappy wives who don't meet their needs. Why they are the perpetual victim is beyond me. 1
Fleurette Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I'll take that chance. Actions mean everything. I can't be told I'm the priority yet he chooses to spent most of his time away from me. How he could resent me when he has his family and me is beyond me. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect couldn't tolerate that with a promise of "in a few years." If he has children, they are his priority, not you. I only get the chance to see my MM when his children are with his wife, but I would hope I would not date ANY man, married or not, who did not put his kids first over his mere girlfriend. MM and I may or may not work out long term (obviously we intend to give it our best shot, but we know the odds are against us), but his kids are his for life.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 If he has children, they are his priority, not you. I only get the chance to see my MM when his children are with his wife, but I would hope I would not date ANY man, married or not, who did not put his kids first over his mere girlfriend. MM and I may or may not work out long term (obviously we intend to give it our best shot, but we know the odds are against us), but his kids are his for life. Both of us have children. It's a given that they are the priority and will always be. I was referring to him remaining married. Either the marriage is the priority or the relationship he has with me.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Sure that is the only thing a BS can do..is make nag and make the poor sob live (with some type of voodoo) stay in place. Why not run away...be with the person of your dreams. Your fantasy. Live life to it's fullest with that soul mate. Crappy wives/husbands..deserve not to be lied to. Why because...no one deserves to be with someone without a spine, balls or a victim of the crappy spouse...perpetually that is. My husband is a complete tool who is lucky I didn't spend years in someone else's bed. Some people deserve much worse than a few lies and he is one of them. I'd love to tell him the truth but it would put my life in danger. That does matter to me. Thank God I can finally divorce him.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 You aren't the only one who was married to a butt monkey. Yet, I can totally see why you would think he deserves something done to him that would cover your not so above board actions . I couldn't do anything bad enough to even the score with him. I don't feel the need to justify my behavior. My affair was completely separate from him. The fact that I never thought about him tells me a lot.
Tenacity Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I agree with you. In most instances the MOM or MOW are in love and all the words they say are felt with great intensity. The problem is these MOMs and MOWs live in compartments. Within the affair the love is quite real. However, outside the affair compartment the words of love fall apart. That is why you see so many men and women thrown under the bus after d-day. Exactly! The reality of the affair compartment is not compatible with the other universe and the worlds of love fall apart. IN addition, this love is the byproduct of a relationship that takes place in a bubble with only two secret members. The love in the bubble flows and the passion is high. The affair compartment is amazing to the two members as they mirror each other endlessly promoting high end love. But, when the bubble breaks things get messy. But, I agree, the LOVE is quite real. But, love is just a change in brain biochemistry to promote mating. Really? You profess to understand all of that, Pierre? I do not believe you understand any of this. You have not been there. It's that simple. ____________________________________________ "The affair compartment is amazing to the two members as they mirror each other endlessly promoting high end love. But, when the bubble breaks things get messy. Yes, I have heard it all before and we all have. You have very little proof." You don't know if the LOVE is "quite real", Pierre. You have NO clue. None.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Oh - I didn't realize you'd actually lived with them and had observed all her awful behavior up close and personal, day after day, night after night, week after week. Because otherwise, you'd simply be repeating what your MM told you, which means you really don't KNOW the truth. All you know is "his" truth - which ain't exactly gospel. I don't have to live with them. This is typical long term marriage behavior. It's the reason so many people have affairs and/or divorce. I'm sure she's no better or worse than every other wife who reads these boards. 1
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Your poor MM sounds like a saint. It should only be a matter of time before he breaks free from her clutches. Then he can save you from your horrible marriage. Have you filed divorce papers? Or was it your plan for MM to file his first?[/ I saved myself quite a while ago. No rescuing necessary for me. I filed. It's not a competition. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) Otherwoman; Why are you asking if this man you are seeing will leave his wife? Edited January 1, 2013 by ComingInHot word choice
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Did you file for divorce after you met MM? Is this an exit affair? There are a lot of OW who go ahead and file for divorce with the hope MM is going to follow their lead. It wasn't an exit affair. I had been planning my exit long before I met my xMM.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Otherwoman; Why are you asking if this man you are seeing will leave his wife? When I asked that question, I was still in the relationship, trying to reconcile what was happening. What I realized was I had the power to make my own decisions. So I did and ended it. 1
William Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Hello from moderation: Cleaned up a threadjack and some off-topic. Stage Two. Keep the discussion confined to 'will he leave'? As the thread starter has apparently discontinued the affair and hasn't sought advice about ending their marriage, the topic is confined to the original statements and questions regarding the MM.
cocorico Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I've been in a relationship with a MM for three months. He says he's confused and struggles with leaving because of his children. At the same time, he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me but wants to be with me all the time. I know it hasn't been that long but do you think waiting longer makes it less likely he will ever leave? He says he needs time to think things through. There is a popular myth on these boards that the longer an OW waits, the less likely the MM is to leave the M since he gets used to the "convenience" of having two women. Those who believe in this myth argue that if he has not left within a few months, he will never leave, because what he wants is an A, not a replacement partner. And yet almost every example of MM who have left their M to be with the OW on these boards took a great deal longer than "a few months". The average was about three years. Leaving a M, particularly where there are young children, is something few people take lightly.To throw away a family for someone you only just met seems to me a sign of superficiality and inability to commit - not the type of partner the OW would usually want. The MP needs to be sure that the R with the OW is "the real deal" and not some kind of "fog", as often portrayed here, and often needs to plan their exit so that it causes minimum disruption for those they care about (the kids, themselves, their extended family, sometimes even the BS) so "a few months" does seem a bit unrealistic unless they had already planned to leave and done some of that thinking before. So I don't think in and of itself that waiting longer would make him less likely to leave. What would make him less likely to leave would be deciding that life with the OW / without his kids full time / without half of his assets / etc would not be at least as good as the life he has currently.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 There is a popular myth on these boards that the longer an OW waits, the less likely the MM is to leave the M since he gets used to the "convenience" of having two women. Those who believe in this myth argue that if he has not left within a few months, he will never leave, because what he wants is an A, not a replacement partner. And yet almost every example of MM who have left their M to be with the OW on these boards took a great deal longer than "a few months". The average was about three years. Leaving a M, particularly where there are young children, is something few people take lightly.To throw away a family for someone you only just met seems to me a sign of superficiality and inability to commit - not the type of partner the OW would usually want. The MP needs to be sure that the R with the OW is "the real deal" and not some kind of "fog", as often portrayed here, and often needs to plan their exit so that it causes minimum disruption for those they care about (the kids, themselves, their extended family, sometimes even the BS) so "a few months" does seem a bit unrealistic unless they had already planned to leave and done some of that thinking before. So I don't think in and of itself that waiting longer would make him less likely to leave. What would make him less likely to leave would be deciding that life with the OW / without his kids full time / without half of his assets / etc would not be at least as good as the life he has currently. Good Point... The sad part is that perhaps the OW(in her frustration of waiting-understandable) decides to give up and winds up potentially ruining what could have been special. I guess to reinforce what you posted, its not always the MM creating some sort of subterfuge- it just isnt that easy. Someone I know recently did just that. He left his wife in a matter of a few months, Did not care about the effects, realized he had found the woman of his dreams, so why wait. The only difference in this case was that this particular guy has a ton of money(multi-millionaire). I guess that gave him some options. He told me he frankly doesnt care- she can have the house and all their stuff they had together. He was in a postion to give that all up. I still would have handled it differently myself. TFOY
loredo21 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Oh - I didn't realize you'd actually lived with them and had observed all her awful behavior up close and personal, day after day, night after night, week after week. Because otherwise, you'd simply be repeating what your MM told you, which means you really don't KNOW the truth. All you know is "his" truth - which ain't exactly gospel. I hate this type of response. YES we have never lived with them and don't really know the "truth" of what goes on in their household. But it is a tad hypocritical seeing as no one really knows what the OW and MM experience together either. There IS such thing as terrible miserable home lives. and there IS such thing as an affair being true love and the feelings being quite real. You have to be open-minded about both sides. No, us OW weren't there to witness the home lives they complain about to us, but nor were the BS's present for the times when the OW and MM were together either. It is not all black and white here ladies. As For if they ever leave...According to this forum it is highly unlikely. which is sad for so many reasons.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 There IS such thing as terrible miserable home lives. and there IS such thing as an affair being true love and the feelings being quite real. Yes I agree..But at the end of the day what does it mean and where it is going if the MP still decides not to leave and divorce? It's still just an affair and it's not going anywhere. If someone truly feels their marriage is that bad and they have terrible, miserable home lives then suck it up and DO something about it. Divorce! People who want to divorce, do so. Nothing will stop them if they are done and want out. 1
loredo21 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Yes I agree..But at the end of the day what does it mean and where it is going if the MP still decides not to leave and divorce? It's still just an affair and it's not going anywhere. If someone truly feels their marriage is that bad and they have terrible, miserable home lives then suck it up and DO something about it. Divorce! People who want to divorce, do so. Nothing will stop them if they are done and want out. Oh I feel you there! I know financial issues and kid issues can be sticky, but take the affair out of the picture all together. If these men are truly unhappy in their situations then they should LEAVE. For themselves. Find their happiness. This is why I call it settling. I'm dissolution my marriage to H of 5 years (together ten)....it is going to be the hardest thing to do in my entire life. But it is for the best. And we will remain best friends for life. It seems the women have the most balls when it comes to leaving an unhealthy environment. Men feel like they should stick it out. I'm all about happiness for all. If you can find it (alone first) then go for it!
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