whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I think if he actively looked for an affair, he's unhappy. What would me telling her accomplish? What would me threatening to tell her do other than tell him that he can't trust me? Yes, could be. Unhappy and bored so he went looking for some excitement and now he's put himself in a tough spot by developing feelings for you along the way. When you two met, who pursued who? Please be honest. Did you ask him out or give hints that you were interested or did he chase you, then ask you out and let you know that he was married? Just wondering how you two ended up together in this A. Not saying you should really tell her, but imply to him that you may and see how he reacts. That may push him to tell her the truth or it'll backfire and make him see that he isn't ready to end his 24 year marriage, pack up and re start a new life with you.
Lostinlife4now Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Oh Honey....don't kid yourself they never leave....VERY RARELY... And after 24 years of marriage...splitting assets, retirements, bank accounts, house so and so on....it is much easier for him to stay. The old saying......CHEAPER TO KEEP HER! Don't count on him leaving. Kids are just another excuse for him to stay! Good Luck!
Pierre Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I've been in a relationship with a MM for three months. He says he's confused and struggles with leaving because of his children. At the same time, he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me but wants to be with me all the time. I know it hasn't been that long but do you think waiting longer makes it less likely he will ever leave? He says he needs time to think things through. The odds are against you. Most of the time these men DO NOT LEAVE. Teen kids suffer more than toddlers when the father leaves the marriage. He will probably string you along for 2-3 years and not leave. he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me Everybody uses that phrase. There is nothing special about it. I am sure he said "I love my wife, but I am not in love with her". And I bet you said: "I never planned to have an affair, it just happened." Nothing new here. You are setting yourself up for major disappointment. And if there is a d-day you will be labeled as the home wrecker that went after him. If there is a d-day the cheating man will likely throw you under the bus to save his skin. This is the way it works more than 95% of the time. Get out now. 1
Pierre Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 He's unhappy. He says they have nothing in common other than their children. Apparently she lost all interest in sex after the kids were born. :laugh::laugh: This guy is good. Those words are used universally by all cheating men. He is saying the right things to get you hooked. Nothing new here. You are now in rescue mode, trying to save this soul from an awful marriage. You are in for a lot of disappointment (even if now it feels good). 3
Tenacity Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 He's unhappy. He says they have nothing in common other than their children. Apparently she lost all interest in sex after the kids were born. Sounds like she has insecurities about her body but I have no way of knowing that. He said he would have left if they didn't have children yet made a decision to try and find a relationship to maintain his sanity because there is no emotional connection left. . This is EXACTLY what my ex-MM said. Almost word for word. If I had a dime for every time I have read this on here.... well, you know. I know you want to think that what you have is special and different. I thought that too, for way too many years. In my case, he actually did tell his W (without me even asking him to) that he was in love with me, and he made the actions of separating and moving out, there was an apartment, we were discussing moving in together, and all of that. Ultimately he went back to his W. Not because he was 'happy' with her but because "he just could not leave her". There were too many complications, there were financial reasons, his kids (even though they are fully adults now), etc. Logistical issues. Job related issues. Whatever.... But, the end result was that he is right where he wants to be, for whatever reason... and after YEARS of stringing me along with the loving words and also the actions to match, he did not follow through. During the process of all of this, I became pregnant with his baby who died (pre-term birth) ... I went through that myself. Really think hard before you commit yourself to sticking around very long. You aren't too deeply in this in terms of time, and although you say you are in love with him at this point, I can personally attest to the fact that things get exponentially worse and more painful after years rather than months. I fully and completely concur with the others' recommendations that IF you choose to wait for this man, you do NOT continue the affair (or any contact) during the time he is extricating himself from his marriage. He has to do this on his own if he's going to do it. I will bet my savings, however, that if you say "call me when you're divorced and not before" he will never leave. That should tell you something. Do NOT be his soft landing spot, even if he does ultimately leave... there is nothing good that will result from that in the long term. You are far better off doing it this way because if the only way he will leave is if you are there to catch him... then you do not want him. As Pierre noted, your story is completely typical and everything he has said are the same exact things that MM say over and over and over again. There isn't even a hint of anything new or novel here. And they don't leave. 3
Mount Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 The guy is not good, he just medium skilled OM. Funny thing to me is that, even though my MM also said those "textbook" speech to me, and from the beginning in my mind I knew it is not geniue, but why I was having feeling attached to him before. I guess I was under self-denial? :laugh::laugh: This guy is good. Those words are used universally by all cheating men. He is saying the right things to get you hooked. Nothing new here. You are now in rescue mode, trying to save this soul from an awful marriage. You are in for a lot of disappointment (even if now it feels good).
OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 It hurts to see how similar this story was to mine just one month ago. I had a million professions of love, talks of planning a life together down the road. He didn't seem to be in that bad of a marriage, either -- he just wasn't happy. So ultimately it did come down to whether he was going to leave for me or not, even though I hoped it would be more than that. In that month since, he got serious twice about leaving...but in the end both times he chose to stay. And it really is over between us. I see your hope and I would love to give you some in return. But realistically, be ready for a lot of confusion and pain. You've gotten a lot of good advice here -- try to untangle yourself from his situation and let him go through it on his own. You can't coax him out. You can't be his counselor on standby while he agonizes over all this. Keep living your life, and if it's meant to be on the other side, it will be. 1
KatZee Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 OP I don't think for a second he's going to leave his wife. Everything he said to you (as others have already noted) is what ever text book cheater tells his AP. "My wife is so horrible" "we have nothing in common" "I'm only staying for the kids." Read these forums and find all the women who have stayed with their MM hanging onto these words, only to blink and it's 10 years later and their MM is STILL married and STILL with their wife. These guys very rarely will leave their wives for their AP. If you continue sticking around you're going to start being fed all the "excuses" of why he suddenly CAN'T leave is wife. "A family member is sick and I need to help them through." "My kids are going through X,Y and Z." "I just lost my job and need to save money." If he's serious about leaving his wife, he will leave her. You don't need to be the mistress while he goes through it. Tell him, "I care for you but cannot be with you unless you are divorced from your wife."
freestyle Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 (edited) This is going to be a bit of a left turn from the other angles discussed, but I believe it's something to consider......... Imagine the MM was a single guy. And you were fresh into the relationship with him-- Are the professions of undying love---AND---the talk about being married---happening this early in a relationship, a red flag to you? Three months is barely time to get to know someone---how would you react to a single guy coming on that strong, right off the bat? Food for thought......... Edited November 19, 2012 by freestyle 8
awkward Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Like most MM, he's got an enormous ego. I'm going to guess this is his first dabble in AffairLand. Most seasoned cheaters do not make the very foolish mistake of implying they are going to leave - at least not at just three months in. He sounds like a rookie. I've noticed a new trend around here lately where the cheaters seemed to have started the "I am going to leave" dance earlier and earlier. I wonder if it is because of all the high profile MM cheaters in the news. Maybe they are making revisions to the MM handbook because these guys are blowing up their game. Or it could be that they've run out of woman willing to sleep with another woman's husband so they have to branch out to woman only willing to do it if these MM future fake with them. Bottom line is that if they are going to divorce they would do it. They don't need an OW holding their hand. The divorce rate is staggering. I feel sorry for the OW that actually do end up with these guys. What you see is what you get. 1
awkward Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 OP the answer to your question is - probably not. It is like playing the lottery. People win the jackpot once in awhile but nobody really expects to when they buy their ticket. 1
carhill Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Bottom line is that if they are going to divorce they would do it. They don't need an OW holding their hand. Very true. It's really not that hard, though it can be expensive in some cases. If there's a will, there's a way. The will presumes the man (in this case) sincerely wishes to end his M and is not merely spewing social lubricant (very common). I'm more familiar with the social lubricant of women but imagine there's little difference. Some guys are talkers and some guys are doers. IME, the talkers seem to get better traction as MM's. YMMV.
Ladydrib Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I've been in a relationship with a MM for three months. He says he's confused and struggles with leaving because of his children. At the same time, he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me but wants to be with me all the time. I know it hasn't been that long but do you think waiting longer makes it less likely he will ever leave? He says he needs time to think things through. Needs time to think it through? Guess what that gets him? He gets more time to have fun with you, without flipping his world upside down. He's stalling and about to start stringing you along. What does more time get you? Deeper into it. More pain. More risk. Not a good deal for you. he didn't expect to fall in love with you? That's not good either. This means he was not unhappy in his marriage (no matter what he says, he'll say he's unhappy because why would you stick around if he wasn't?) anyway, if he didn't expect to fall in love, chances are he is just fine and happy with his marriage, and if that's true, then no, he's not leaving. Keep reading. You'll be surprised how many people risk happy marriages for an affair. I don't understand it. If you are happy, why would anyone ever risk that? But it happens. A lot. And if he's happy, he's not going anywhere. Even if he's unhappy, it's unlikely he'd leave. Cut your losses now. Tell him you're done. Tell him to call you after he sorts out his marriage. He most likely will forget you and either settle in his marriage or find someone else for an affair. But you didn't have him anyway if he does that, and you never would. At best you can have an affair with him. Until his wife finds out or until he gets sick of you. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the best option, you end it on your terms and keep the dignity you have not already thrown away to justify the affair. Get out, if you care what's best for you.
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I think if he actively looked for an affair, he's unhappy. What would me telling her accomplish? What would me threatening to tell her do other than tell him that he can't trust me? Why are you worried about his trust level in you? Why aren't you seeing his ACTIONS as completely UNTRUSTWORTHY? Something is wrong with your perception.
Michal2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I think you have to give time for him think about this relationship. Take time and then decide. What to do.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 UPDATE I ended the relationship. The holidays showed me my future of being last. If he can't put our relationship first, I'm not interested. 7
darkmoon Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) I once told an MM to come back to me when he's single - which he did! Six months later. No side peice situation can be fullfilling, too furtive, not like love in the open. Edited December 31, 2012 by darkmoon
thefooloftheyear Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 OK...Allow me to be the Devil's Advocate here for a moment.... I dont know if this is the case here, but it seems as though even if love "happens" as a by product of an affair, everyone seems to think there is deceit and foulplay by the MM(or MW). Who is to say?? It can happen and CAN be real! What if the MM is telling the truth and has a real, undying love for the new person in his/her life? For anyone to expect that someone can just drop everything in their life and run off with the new person is kidding themselves. And for that matter, would anyone want someone who would abandon everything in his/her life immediately to run off with them? I know its the selfish thing to do, but in realistically its just not that easy! I guess there is a time limit on everything, but what if the person(MM) was truly sincere and just needed the time to get his/her affairs in order? Is that too much to ask? I know this much, if I was getting "half of a loaf" instead of the whole thing, I might be content to ride that out knowing that person seemed like the "right one". I guess I just dont get the notion of throwing the whole thing in the garbage because of principle. Could it backfire? Sure. But then again, you could also move on to someone else (who turns out to be a POS), and in the meantime, the MM finally divorces and then resents you for giving up on him so you lose out on that... Again, bear in mind, I do respect the opinion that there are many liars and people that just string others along, but then there is also another side to the story... TFOY
darkmoon Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Single after six months? And where is this single man now? He and I weren't even that that suited, in the cold light of day! 1
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 OK...Allow me to be the Devil's Advocate here for a moment.... I dont know if this is the case here, but it seems as though even if love "happens" as a by product of an affair, everyone seems to think there is deceit and foulplay by the MM(or MW). Who is to say?? It can happen and CAN be real! What if the MM is telling the truth and has a real, undying love for the new person in his/her life? For anyone to expect that someone can just drop everything in their life and run off with the new person is kidding themselves. And for that matter, would anyone want someone who would abandon everything in his/her life immediately to run off with them? I know its the selfish thing to do, but in realistically its just not that easy! I guess there is a time limit on everything, but what if the person(MM) was truly sincere and just needed the time to get his/her affairs in order? Is that too much to ask? I know this much, if I was getting "half of a loaf" instead of the whole thing, I might be content to ride that out knowing that person seemed like the "right one". I guess I just dont get the notion of throwing the whole thing in the garbage because of principle. Could it backfire? Sure. But then again, you could also move on to someone else (who turns out to be a POS), and in the meantime, the MM finally divorces and then resents you for giving up on him so you lose out on that... Again, bear in mind, I do respect the opinion that there are many liars and people that just string others along, but then there is also another side to the story... TFOY Everybody likes to think they are the exception to the rule. Most people are not..that's why it's a rule. What you're talking about is extremely rare. And no, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would run out on a life they'd built..nor would I want to be with someone who would cheat on his wife, even if he was cheating with me. Don't forget, the MM romanced and married his wife too..he was telling her all the same things he's telling the other woman about true love, and look what happened there. Cheating gets easier over time..people learn how to cope with it and compartmentalize it and justify it to themselves. He cheated on his wife, he can cheat on his girlfriend.
HonestNeurotic Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I think people BELIEVE that they "are in love". But it's a combination of the newness, the dopamine, etc. Also, in an affair, well, they for the most part only see a small slice of each other. The good parts. The day to day drudgery is not there. This is why I am ending my affair. the MM is "in love" with me. I'm not looking for that. He knew that from the get go - but somehow he changed what he said he was looking for in an affair. It's a fantasy. An escape. It's not real. It's heightened drama - the despair of love. Unrequited, unattainable, lost love. Whatever. It's what people do. The day to day kicks in and BAMM!!! Your life is the same that you left. One has to be happy with themselves, without a partner to make them happy. People that need other people to MAKE them happy, well, they are destined to not be happy. Don't be fooled. Not if you are looking for a living arrangement. It's unlikely that it will happen, and if it does, it might not be the same as what you thought it would be, cuz now it's real life and not fantasy. 2
secretlady76 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Fooloftheyear - I agree, I think there are exceptions. Some affairs really do result in marriage/life long partnerships. You'll know.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Fooloftheyear - I agree, I think there are exceptions. Some affairs really do result in marriage/life long partnerships. You'll know. It just seems as though everyone just assumes that the persons(MM/MW) sole purpose is to cause the OW pain and suffering from the waiting game and the "trickery". And yes, I am sure there are liars out there who just say or do whatever they want to get the other person to satisfy their sexual urges. It just isnt that simple... People can fall in "real" love in just about any circumstance-including an affair. The attraction can be so strong as to make a normal person do something they wouldnt previously do... I guess all I am saying is it seems like everyone(most) responding to this thread are just calling the MM/MW cheating , lying , d-bags. NOT always the case... TFOY 1
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Originally Posted by OtherWoman1971 If he can't put our relationship first, I'm not interested. I don't know how you can expect him to put you first above his wife, kids and family. He isn't committed to you. Sorry to be blunt but you're having an affair with a MM. You may put him first and make him your 'everything', but he isn't going to do that because he has a wife already. End it. That's my suggestion and let yourself grieve the loss so you can find a (single) man who will put you first and love ONLY you. If you choose to stay with your MM, know that you won't be first in his life. That's just how affairs go.
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 It just seems as though everyone just assumes that the persons(MM/MW) sole purpose is to cause the OW pain and suffering from the waiting game and the "trickery". And yes, I am sure there are liars out there who just say or do whatever they want to get the other person to satisfy their sexual urges. It just isnt that simple... People can fall in "real" love in just about any circumstance-including an affair. The attraction can be so strong as to make a normal person do something they wouldnt previously do... I guess all I am saying is it seems like everyone(most) responding to this thread are just calling the MM/MW cheating , lying , d-bags. NOT always the case... TFOY No, people assume that the MM/W's purpose is to serve themselves and that they don't care how it hurts or affects anyone else..which is true. Unless they're in an open marriage, MM/W ARE cheaters and liars..they are cheating on their spouses and lying about it. It IS always the case. What would you call sleeping with someone else when you're married and then not telling your husband or wife about it? How is that not cheating and lying?
Recommended Posts