Will he leave?

[OtherWoman1971]

I've been in a relationship with a MM for three months. He says he's confused and struggles with leaving because of his children. At the same time, he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me but wants to be with me all the time.

 

I know it hasn't been that long but do you think waiting longer makes it less likely he will ever leave? He says he needs time to think things through.

[CarrieT]

Why do you want someone who isn't even sure they will ever love you?

 

Why does he want to be with you if he doesn't love you? Just for sex?

 

Is this all you want for yourself?

 

From 99% of all the OW who post on this site, the longer it takes for the affair partner to decide to leave the marriage, the less likely it is to ever happen.

[Tenacity]

Why do you want someone who isn't even sure they will ever love you?

 

Why does he want to be with you if he doesn't love you? Just for sex?

 

Is this all you want for yourself?

 

From 99% of all the OW who post on this site, the longer it takes for the affair partner to decide to leave the marriage, the less likely it is to ever happen.

 

Did you read the post? She clearly said he stated he was in love with her...

 

OtherWoman71, this is a story that is completely common around here. Yes, the longer they wait, generally the less likely - if they are going to do it, they generally take action (at least the beginnings of action) soon.

 

Some of these situations work out, but they are the small minority. You should think long and hard about how long you want to wait. I waited many years and even though he separated, he went back to her. Do you want to be in that situation?

[carhill]

My advice would be to accept his perspective and give him the time he needs to think. Once he's made a decision and executed it, choosing to remain married or divorce, then a brief contact would be acceptable. In the meantime, life goes on and you're a single lady. Enjoy

 

Regarding timeline, a man who is serious can easily put a plan together in a month or two. It just takes a few talks with a lawyer, financial advisor and an IC as appropriate. Not a problem.

 

The number I often read here on LS is that someone who is serious will make a definitive move to end their M within a year, whether by filing for divorce or separating domiciles.

 

OTOH, a fence sitter can string someone along for years if allowed, and I did allow that in one case. A memorable mistake.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I've been in a relationship with a MM for three months. He says he's confused and struggles with leaving because of his children. At the same time, he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me but wants to be with me all the time.

 

I know it hasn't been that long but do you think waiting longer makes it less likely he will ever leave? He says he needs time to think things through.

Then give him time to think it through. Focus on you and your life, end it for now and see what happens.

 

Did you ask him to leave his wife and kids for you? Or did he say he was considering it? Just wondering who brought it up first.

 

One thing, you knew he was married with children when you first started the affair, so if he doesn't leave and divorce, would you be happy just staying in the A and being his OW? Or do you want a life with him, have his children?

 

How old are his kids and how long has he been married?

[veryhappy]

Will he leave? It depends. It's highly unlikely.

 

Plan your life with the answer to that question being "no". If he's undecided and you want a R, end the A. If he decides he wants to be with you, work on a timeline.

 

If you want a R, continuing the A will crush your soul and your chances to have a R.

[MissBee]

I've been in a relationship with a MM for three months. He says he's confused and struggles with leaving because of his children. At the same time, he says he didn't expect to fall in love with me but wants to be with me all the time.

 

I know it hasn't been that long but do you think waiting longer makes it less likely he will ever leave? He says he needs time to think things through.

 

If a man wants to leave he will.

 

I don't advise any OW to wait while a MM figures it out. He shouldn't be leaving FOR you...therefore you not waiting shouldn't affect what he ultimately decides.

 

I think one is in a more empowered position when one decides to opt out while he figures things out, than that of the OW-in-waiting, who is presenting herself as counselor/soft place to land for a man straddling the fence. The latter is more emotionally taxing.

 

You're not in that deep, so at this point, I think it would be a good time to establish a boundary to say, I want to to be with you, but only after you've figured things out. It beats you waiting for 3 more years as he still "decides".

[OtherWoman1971]

Did you read the post? She clearly said he stated he was in love with her...

 

OtherWoman71, this is a story that is completely common around here. Yes, the longer they wait, generally the less likely - if they are going to do it, they generally take action (at least the beginnings of action) soon.

 

Some of these situations work out, but they are the small minority. You should think long and hard about how long you want to wait. I waited many years and even though he separated, he went back to her. Do you want to be in that situation?[/

 

I understand it's difficult to make a decision about ending a marriage after three months but I'm not interested in continuing an affair. I want a relationship where we can be together full-time and in public.

 

I want to be reasonable about the timeline but I also don't want to have this continue for too long if it makes it unlikely he will leave.

[OtherWoman1971]

Then give him time to think it through. Focus on you and your life, end it for now and see what happens.

 

Did you ask him to leave his wife and kids for you? Or did he say he was considering it? Just wondering who brought it up first.

 

One thing, you knew he was married with children when you first started the affair, so if he doesn't leave and divorce, would you be happy just staying in the A and being his OW? Or do you want a life with him, have his children?

 

How old are his kids and how long has he been married?

 

 

 

I didn't ask him to leave. He's brought it up yet says he needs time to think things through. We won't be having children since both of us are too old for more children. His kids are teenagers and he's been married for 24 years.

[whichwayisup]

I understand it's difficult to make a decision about ending a marriage after three months but I'm not interested in continuing an affair. I want a relationship where we can be together full-time and in public.

 

I want to be reasonable about the timeline but I also don't want to have this continue for too long if it makes it unlikely he will leave.

 

Then tell him you love him and will give him 6 months to work it out. In those 6 months he should be able to make a decision and put a plan together.

 

He will not do anything until after Christmas, no way is he going to start 'divorce' talk with his wife during the holidays.

 

Can I ask? Why did you get involved with him if you knew he was married? With kids? That makes the odds of him leaving even greater.

 

How long has he been married, and how long are their kids?

[OtherWoman1971]

If a man wants to leave he will.

 

I don't advise any OW to wait while a MM figures it out. He shouldn't be leaving FOR you...therefore you not waiting shouldn't affect what he ultimately decides.

 

I think one is in a more empowered position when one decides to opt out while he figures things out, than that of the OW-in-waiting, who is presenting herself as counselor/soft place to land for a man straddling the fence. The latter is more emotionally taxing.

 

You're not in that deep, so at this point, I think it would be a good time to establish a boundary to say, I want to to be with you, but only after you've figured things out. It beats you waiting for 3 more years as he still "decides".

 

 

I really don't want him to leave for me. I know that would more than likely lead to resentment and I don't want the responsibility for that. I am in deep because I'm in love with this man. He's also in love with me but the idea of hurting his children is huge for him.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't ask him to leave. He's brought it up yet says he needs time to think things through. We won't be having children since both of us are too old for more children. His kids are teenagers and he's been married for 24 years.

 

Ah k. you posted while I was replying so ignore my other questions since you've answered them.

 

That's tough.

 

It depends on what his situation is like. I mean, that's a long time to be married, a big history and families entwined. Is this a case of you woke up feelings inside of him he hasn't felt in a long time? This doesn't mean he isn't in love with his wife, he just isn't feeling that intensity and passion like he used to for her, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

 

Anyway, end it and give him time. Put yourself first, focus on your life and detach from him. If he truly wants a life with you, he WILL do something to make it happen. If he doesn't, then move on and don't look back.

 

Don't settle, k. If he doesn't or isn't able to give you what you want, end it for good. Don't stay in the A to hang onto him in hopes that he'll change his mind. All that does is enable him to be a sitting duck and do nothing..Stay in the affair and still stay married.

[whichwayisup]

I really don't want him to leave for me. I know that would more than likely lead to resentment and I don't want the responsibility for that. I am in deep because I'm in love with this man. He's also in love with me but the idea of hurting his children is huge for him.

 

But after 24 years, he hasn't thought about leaving until he met you.

 

So yes, he will be leaving the life he only knows to start over with you.

[OtherWoman1971]

Then tell him you love him and will give him 6 months to work it out. In those 6 months he should be able to make a decision and put a plan together.

 

He will not do anything until after Christmas, no way is he going to start 'divorce' talk with his wife during the holidays.

 

Can I ask? Why did you get involved with him if you knew he was married? With kids? That makes the odds of him leaving even greater.

 

How long has he been married, and how long are their kids?

 

 

He's been married for 24 years. The kids are teenagers. I knew he was married but I didn't plan for falling in love with him, especially this quickly. In fact, both of us joked that remarriage was out of the question for both of us. It didn't take long for both of us to say we wanted to be married to each other.

[OtherWoman1971]

But after 24 years, he hasn't thought about leaving until he met you.

 

So yes, he will be leaving the life he only knows to start over with you.

 

You really believe that? I think the length of his marriage makes it less likely. He's used to putting himself last in terms of needs. I don't know but I am stuck between not knowing how to be without him and not being able to stand this continuing indefinitely.

 

Thank you for your responses.

[whichwayisup]

You really believe that? I think the length of his marriage makes it less likely. He's used to putting himself last in terms of needs. I don't know but I am stuck between not knowing how to be without him and not being able to stand this continuing indefinitely.

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

If he is ready to walk out the door? Then yes. Those who want to divorce, do so. Those who aren't ready or don't have the balls to make a change, don't.

 

Good for you for coming to this conclusion quickly. Too many OW sit and wait for years (and i'm not kidding about that!) and just continue being the OW in hopes that 'one day he'll leave and divorce' will happen ... That's a wasted love and energy on someone who isn't putting you(general you) first.

 

Another good thing is, it's only been 3 months. Sure you love him and all but the amount of time you've invested in him it'll be easier for you to end it , grieve the loss than for him to just throw away 24 years and a long history with his wife. Their D could take a long time due to the kids, house, money, investments...And, he may talk to his wife, tell her he wants a D, then realize he doesn't want to after seeing her reaction.

 

is he unhappy in his marriage? Does he say negative things about his wife? Ask him if he had thoughts of leaving or divorcing his wife before you entered his life.

[Tenacity]

You really believe that? I think the length of his marriage makes it less likely. He's used to putting himself last in terms of needs. I don't know but I am stuck between not knowing how to be without him and not being able to stand this continuing indefinitely.

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

She doesn't mean he WILL leave. She means that if he leaves it will be "for" you and not because his marriage isn't working.

[OtherWoman1971]

If he is ready to walk out the door? Then yes. Those who want to divorce, do so. Those who aren't ready or don't have the balls to make a change, don't.

 

Good for you for coming to this conclusion quickly. Too many OW sit and wait for years (and i'm not kidding about that!) and just continue being the OW in hopes that 'one day he'll leave and divorce' will happen ... That's a wasted love and energy on someone who isn't putting you(general you) first.

 

Another good thing is, it's only been 3 months. Sure you love him and all but the amount of time you've invested in him it'll be easier for you to end it , grieve the loss than for him to just throw away 24 years and a long history with his wife. Their D could take a long time due to the kids, house, money, investments...And, he may talk to his wife, tell her he wants a D, then realize he doesn't want to after seeing her reaction.

 

is he unhappy in his marriage? Does he say negative things about his wife? Ask him if he had thoughts of leaving or divorcing his wife before you entered his life.

 

 

He's unhappy. He says they have nothing in common other than their children. Apparently she lost all interest in sex after the kids were born. Sounds like she has insecurities about her body but I have no way of knowing that. He said he would have left if they didn't have children yet made a decision to try and find a relationship to maintain his sanity because there is no emotional connection left. He doesn't say a lot of negative things but the comments he does make seem reasonable for someone unhappy in their marriage (nothing too extreme). He told me he wasn't planning to leave until his children were all out of the house but now that has changed.

 

I don't want to resent him by waiting but I don't want to waste my life waiting either.

[OtherWoman1971]

She doesn't mean he WILL leave. She means that if he leaves it will be "for" you and not because his marriage isn't working.

 

I don't want him to leave for me. Life is too short to be miserable. There is a difference to me between leaving for me and leaving because he realizes how unbearable his marriage is.

[CarrieT]

I don't want him to leave for me. Life is too short to be miserable. There is a difference to me between leaving for me and leaving because he realizes how unbearable his marriage is.

 

Sorry - I did mis-read your opening post.

 

But, as you state above, you don't want him to leave for her.

 

The answer then is to end the affair and have NO CONTACT with him whatsoever. Tell him to contact you after he is divorced and not before - not DURING the divorce process. At that time, he can date you properly.

 

He has to want to leave for himself - and take the chance that you may or may not be available when/if he is free. That is the only way you will ever know if he is leaving for himself and not for you.

[2sunny]

He's unhappy. He says they have nothing in common other than their children. Apparently she lost all interest in sex after the kids were born. Sounds like she has insecurities about her body but I have no way of knowing that. He said he would have left if they didn't have children yet made a decision to try and find a relationship to maintain his sanity because there is no emotional connection left. He doesn't say a lot of negative things but the comments he does make seem reasonable for someone unhappy in their marriage (nothing too extreme). He told me he wasn't planning to leave until his children were all out of the house but now that has changed.

 

I don't want to resent him by waiting but I don't want to waste my life waiting either.

 

Wait - you say he doesn't say a lot of negative things about her but your paragraph is filled with terribly negative and hurtful things he's said about her! VERY intimate and personal info that is so disrespectful for him to share with anyone!

 

And he stayed for his kids - well guess what, he's still got kids!

 

Don't communicate with him or see him again unless his divorce is FINAL!

 

Personally - I think he's saying to you what all MM tell the OW in order to keep them hanging around = meanwhile - your making ALL the sacrifices by waiting for empty promises!

 

IF he intends to divorce - let him prove it with action by getting it done!

 

Until its final - he's not available.

 

He sounds like a complete douche!

 

To answer your thread title ---> I doubt he leaves.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want him to leave for me. Life is too short to be miserable. There is a difference to me between leaving for me and leaving because he realizes how unbearable his marriage is.

 

The thing is, he hasn't given his marriage a chance. I bet his not discussed much with his wife. Not done marriage counseling or given her a chance or himself a chance to really put time aside and make that effort to reconnect.

His marriage is far from over. It's easy to say "i want out" then actually doing it.

 

Imagine him leaving and coming to you, then after xx amount of months, going back home? All because he left without really trying to fix things to make it better with his wife.

 

Those who divorce do because they know all measures have done to try to save the marriage or those who do, just want out. Your MM is no where near the mindset of actually leaving.

[whichwayisup]

My guess is, he's not put much effort in his marriage or spending tons of time wooing his wife again and they just let life, routine and kids get in way.. As time goes on it's just easier to go with the flow and do nothing. He isn't that unhappy. It's just meeting you has made him realize what he's missed. What he doesn't realize is, if he put as much energy into his wife and marriage that he's put into you and the A, his marriage actually could be revived. Right now it's stale. That doesn't mean it's over.

 

The love is there. Unless they fight, and hate each other (it happens!) that love can be recaptured. Sometimes it takes an affair to wake people up.

 

Would you have the courage to tell her that you've been having an affair? Or tell him, if you don't tell your wife the truth about us, I will ? Then see how he reacts.

[OtherWoman1971]

My guess is, he's not put much effort in his marriage or spending tons of time wooing his wife again and they just let life, routine and kids get in way.. As time goes on it's just easier to go with the flow and do nothing. He isn't that unhappy. It's just meeting you has made him realize what he's missed. What he doesn't realize is, if he put as much energy into his wife and marriage that he's put into you and the A, his marriage actually could be revived. Right now it's stale. That doesn't mean it's over.

 

The love is there. Unless they fight, and hate each other (it happens!) that love can be recaptured. Sometimes it takes an affair to wake people up.

 

Would you have the courage to tell her that you've been having an affair? Or tell him, if you don't tell your wife the truth about us, I will ? Then see how he reacts.

 

I think if he actively looked for an affair, he's unhappy. What would me telling her accomplish? What would me threatening to tell her do other than tell him that he can't trust me?

[frozensprouts]

something here doesn't make sense to me, and maybe you can help me to understand...

 

you say that your married guy and you have been in an affair for three months ( not long), and that he was actively seeking an affair because he was unhappy...

 

here are the reasons ( paraphrased) that you say he is unhappy...

 

after his kids ( who are now teenagers) same along, his wife lost all interest in sex, and wasn't putting any effort into the marriage...so after at least 13 years ( probably more) he's decided to start an affair with you? during this time, he talked to his wife, told her how he felt, tried everything he could to get a response from her, tried counseling, etc., but nothing worked, so as a last resort to get some "intimacy" he found you?

that sounds kind of off...what do you think? do you think he's telling the truth? If so, why? If not, why? All your answers will help you figure out what your future with this guy may well end up looking like...are you his first affair or has he had others?

 

if he is as unhappy as you say, and his kids are both grown, what is keeping him tied to a wife that makes him so unhappy, when he could come and find happiness with you? could it be that things at home aren't as bad as he is letting on ( and you'd like to believe)? The alternative is that he is just someone who's cheating and treating his spouse, who has no idea it's happening and probably didn't really do anything to deserve it, pretty badly...if that's the case, what does that say about him and who he is right now? does he sound like someone you can trust?

if he does leave and ends up wanting to be in a full time relationship with you, if i were in your shoes I'd insist that he get counseling, etc., because as it stands right now, he is a man who sees cheating as an acceptable choice to solving problems in a relationship....that isn't to say that he can't change or can't learn new ways of handling problems, but right now, in his ,mind, cheating has worked once, so why not try it again the next time he has a problem?