The usual - broke up with my girlfriend and I shouldn't have

[jthomp26]

Hey everybody....just looking for some honest advice here!

 

Ok so I started dating a girl in January 2011 and we dated for about a year until I broke up with her around February 2012. Our mutual friend basically tricked us into meeting up with each other 2 days later and I decided to ask her to continue dating me. I broke up with her because of some religious differences that we had and we weren't really on the same page, but I really loved her and so when I saw her I just couldn't stick to my guns. It was a huge mistake because the entire time we continued dating I was still thinking that we weren't really going to work out.

 

We dated again until I broke up with her for the second time on April 28th. Honestly we had a fantastic relationship besides some different religiously led moral beliefs - of which I was definitely the one with the wrong moral beliefs. She thought she was going to marry me. It was really really hard for me and I have thought about her every single day since then. We had absolutely no contact whatsoever until I texted her on July 17th and basically told her that I wanted to be friends with her.

 

She told me that she didn't want to start talking on the phone or texting or seeing each other because she wasn't emotionally ready and it would be too easy for us to get right back into things.

 

NOW...I was in the Marine Corps. and I was in a lot of combat in Iraq and Afghanistan and I was really just working through a lot of things mentally...and most of the things that we didn't agree on were based on problems and thoughts/beliefs that I had developed during my time in the military. Since that time I have worked through those things and I am in a really great place in my life. I am honestly happy, but I can not stop thinking about how much I love her and how much happier I would be with her in my life.

 

I've never been the overbearing or smothering type...so I don't barrage her with text messages or phone calls or anything. But on August 20th after we'd exchanged a few emails I asked her to meet me for ice cream. We met for ice cream and I basically told her everything that I've told you and I told her that I was sorry for hurting her and I would never do it again. I told her that I wanted to marry her. She said we could never date again because she couldn't trust me, but after some begging she agreed to go on one date with me.

 

We went on a date and she told me she needed some time to think about it, and that she thought it might be best to just remain not in contact with each other for 2 or 3 months and see if I still felt the same way.

 

She decided in the end that she didn't want a relationship with me and she couldn't explain why. She said that basically she had spent so much time trying to move on emotionally, and then she did.

 

We've kept in cordial contact basically just a "hey how are you" every now and then, and about 3 weeks ago I told her that I would still love to take her out to dinner if she would consider it. She said she didn't think it would be fair to me because she didn't want me to invest any emotions in her because we were never going to date again.

 

I told her that I still had feelings for her and I needed time to heal without any contact from her. So last Sunday she texted me and said "I can't go outside of (her hometown) without thinking about you, and then we celebrated veterans day at school and you've just been on my mind a lot. This is really hard on both ends. I just didn't want you thinking that this was so easy for me."

 

I told her that I still wanted to take her to dinner and that it sounded like she still had feelings for me. She said "I don't think that's the case, I think that i just miss you and i miss what we had and having you as my best friend."

 

I asked her to just think about going to dinner with me, and she said she would talk to me about it the next day. The next day she texted me and said "I've thought about it and I still just think it's best the way it is."

 

I told her that I wasn't going to let her go until she went on just one date with me to see if she still has feelings for me. She said "yeah but if we do go on a date and nothing changes you'll feel like crap and I don't want to do that to you again."

 

So other than a couple playful joking texts I've sent her we haven't talked since then.

 

NOW I've never been a very romantic guy. I have my moments but I'm not very romantic. Don't get me wrong I treated her great, but just flowers and stuff really aren't my thing. BUT she works at a school so I called to ask if they allow flower deliveries to their teachers, and the lady that answered the phone was named Sharon. She said "you bet we do but people might feel left out so do you want my name too?"

 

She didn't realize that I had caught her name. SO....tomorrow I'm sending flowers to my ex girlfriend with a box of her favorite candy and candy for her students, and the note says "an outward smile brings warmth to the heart Proverbs 3:15 I hope these bring a great BIG smile to your beautiful face" and I'm also sending thanksgiving flowers to the office and they're going to say "To Sharon and friends so noone feels left out :-)"

 

Do you guys think that sounds like a good move? And I'm really stressed out about what my next move might be. Thanks so much if you read this whole thing...I didn't realize how easy it was to write so much on here!

Edited November 19, 2012 by jthomp26

[salmagundi]

I think its a terrible idea, you're just getting desperate now. If all your chasing her hasn't gotten you the result you want, do the believe the answer is stepping up the desperation? This is a classic hail mary and it will probably backfire on you. She already knows you want her back, she already knows she has all the power and she has already said no repeatedly. At this point you're just throwing good money after bad and possibly coming off as a couple steps shy of being her stalker.

 

I would respect her decision and give her some space. You're chances may even improve...

[Kite]

This is a tough one.

 

Everybody agrees that the one that did the breaking up must put in the effort and truly show the other person that they want them back.

 

Your romantic gesture could backfire horribly, and as the poster above said, you could look desperate and stalkerish.

 

Look, you're broken up and she said her feelings have changed, so really there is no harm in trying, right? She's hurt and maybe just needs to see that you won't run. Unless she outright tells you to stop, I think its worth trying. Just don't do things that will put her in an awkward situation, maybe send all the flowers to her home, with something that will remind her of you. Keep it between the two of you.

 

I still love my ex, but he would have to move mountains to be with me again. My pride won't allow him to just walk back in.

 

Hope this is not awful advise. Gosh, you acted like an idiot!

[itsmyfault]

Here is my advice, listen or don't. But im speaking from my recent experience.

 

Being a Dumper myself I made a desperate attempt to get my EX back. It DID NOT WORK.

 

Here's how I would have approached it given my time again.

 

write a list down of everything you can, about how sorry you are, what you did wrong, how you didnt realise what you had, how nothing is the same etc etc.

Then create ONE and ONE only detailed letter or E-mail.

 

Once you have done this, break contact. Do Not contact the girl again.

Constantly bombarding her will scare her off. You plant the seed, you let it grow.

 

It may grow or it may not. But the decision has to be hers completely. any efforts from you to persuade her will most likely not work. You have hurt her.

 

If nothing comes of it? well then atleast you havent invested weeks of begging and recovery time. Time in which you have probably just made your ex resent you.

 

Good luck.

[jthomp26]

Ok so I sent the flowers and she texted me and said thank you and told me her mom is in love with the flowers haha...so it's good that she showed her mom.

 

She told me all about her students going crazy when she got the flowers and stuff and there was some other conversation about the candy I sent and etc... then I said "Did I earn a quick phone call?"

 

So she called me and we talked for a few minutes and I asked her if she would go on one date with me. She said "yeah I'll go on a date with you, but I just don't want you to expect it to change anything I still feel the same way I did before."

 

Now obviously my hopes for sending flowers weren't that she would magically fall in love with me again...but I was literally just hoping she would go out with me again and give herself a chance to see if she really doesn't have feelings anymore or if she's just scared of getting hurt again.

 

Now I'm in an even more stressful situation because I have to take her on this date with a boatload of pressure knowing that this could make or break me!!!

 

I plan on just taking her to outback steakhouse which is her favorite restaurant and then to play putt putt golf because that was always kind of our little thing...we used to get pretty competitive playing putt putt. I plan on not mentioning anything whatsoever about us being a couple or about why I want to get back with her. I've already told her everything there is to say about that. If she brings up why I want to date her again I'll just say "I miss you a lot and I acted like an idiot. If there's any chance of us being together I wanted to make sure I took it. I don't want this date to be about the past and the stupid things I've done, I want this date to be about getting to know each other again. Think about it like a first date, and I'm willing to spend as much time regaining your trust as I need to." After that I will avoid conversations about us and our relationship at all costs.

 

Does that sound good? Any other advice?

[jthomp26]

1. Relax.

 

2. Be mentally prepared for anything. You may be permanently friend-zoned already but, as horrible as that may be to some folks around here, I've found that friendships tend to last a lot longer than romances so perhaps that's not such a bad thing.

 

3. If she's amenable to anything else, take it slow and pay close attention to what she's saying and doing. You're going to have to work your a** from the sound of it. She no longer trusts you.

 

You have had exactly the same thoughts that I have about what she's feeling. I'm really good at figuring out what's going on but I'm really bad about knowing how to respond to it.

 

HOWEVER..I texted her today and said "I'll pick you up at 6:30" and she said "i'll meet you there :-) "

 

So the way I interpret that is that she is basically saying she's not interested in going on this date with me and she'd like to keep it as impersonal as possible by not having me pick her up, and she'd also like to have the option of simply walking out to her car and leaving at any point she would like.

 

I guess I don't have a choice, but she seems to be really set on making sure that she does everything in her power to not like me again. My plan was to take her to dinner and then to putt putt (which has always been kind of our "thing") but it seems like she is planning on going to dinner just so we can catch up and then leave.

 

Obviously I don't want that because I want her to spend time with me having fun (not just eating dinner) and remember why she fell in love with me in the first place.

 

I just feel like I'm really wasting my time...I mean I always knew the chances were slim that she would get back with me, but her insisting that we meet each other there just makes me feel like she is dead set on just being friends.

 

From the outside looking in, does it sound like I'm just reading too much into it or am I wasting my time?

[Million.to.1]

let us know how it goes.

[Cutiepie1976]

If you want this to work do things her way rather than insisting on your "plan." Let go of your agenda and just go with the flow. If she doesn't want to play mini golf afterwards, don't force it. Your goal isn't to play golf or drive her, it's to have her enjoy herself and want to spend more time with you. If she feels pressured into something she doesn't want to do or awkward and uncomfortable, you're toast!

 

Best!

[confused 2012]

In my opinion as an outsider looking in, it does seem that you are putting too much hope into her wanting to get back together with you.

 

She clearly stated to you her intentions - which were to be just friends. When somebody says they have made up their mind, take them at their word.

 

My ex said the same thing to me when he broke up - that he was not going to change his mind. And 2.5 months later he still hasn't, we're still broken up.

 

As for you trying to get her to be nostalgic with the mini golf, chances are your ex remembers the good times you had, just like you do. I'm sure she has not forgotten that mini golf was your guys "thing". It just isn't enough to change her mind. All relationships have good times, and great times, and special "things", but sometimes those things just aren't enough.

 

Just don't get your hopes up, and maybe focus more on using the date as an opportunity to just leave things on an amiable note.

 

Good luck.

[LexiB]

So....how'd it go?

[Negative Nancy]

why did you even break up with her? there must've been reasons - what exactly has changed about those reasons?

 

i would be weary too, and extremely emotionally guarded.

 

you have to basically convince her now that this time you are serious, not trying to talk her back into a relationship with you.

 

though i would never give an ex a second chance. giving exes a second chance is like putting sour milk back into fridge and hoping it's going to be drinkable again tomorrow.