raea Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I find myself feeling absolutely crushed at the moment, and wanted to get some feedback. I have been out of town for much of the week. I drove back this afternoon, which just so happens to be my birthday. My boyfriend and I have been together for long enough that I thought this would mean something (8 months, exclusive with months of dating before). I guess we have never talked about it. He watched my puppy for me, so the plan was that he would meet me back at my apartment when I got in. He showed up, stayed around for a few hours, and really didn't acknowledge my birthday besides giving me a hug when my roommate handed me a card. He didn't forget it- he sent me a text at midnight, last night when I was still out of the state, that said "happy birthday to the greatest girl in my life, you are the best". I don't know if I'm justified in feeling as absolutely hurt as I do, seeing as really we had never made plans or talked about it. His birthday was in August. On that day, I brought him a cake, a card, and I gave him a soccer jersey and a set of shorts for a team that he really enjoys. He had friends over, and I did leave early because I worked the next morning, but I stopped in for an hour or two before leaving. I tried really hard to find something that he would enjoy, and he seems to. I realize we don't have the same type of communication, so I often have to stop and reassess what he meant to convey as opposed to how I "expect" things to be, which isn't fair for a relationship. Part of me thinks that Ive been spoiled in the past- my last long relationship, I was constantly presented with small tokens and celebrations never went by without some sort of to-do. last year, when I was single, my best friends organized a girls night out, and we just spent time together before going out dancing. All of them are now in different Ph.D programs, so we'll be together on thanksgiving, but they aren't near tonight. Any feedback? I know I need to bring up to him the issues, but I'll not be able to until we meet again and I wanted to hear some other insight before that point.
iiiii Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Some people are really into anniversaries/presents, and some aren't. It's possible that he just isn't that into that type of thing, and doesn't understand how important it is to you. It could be a sign of disinterest, but if he seems to really value you in other ways, then you might just need to communicate how important this is to you.
dasein Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 No it's not being spoiled to expect a birthday gift of some sort from an 8 month BF. I don't even like my birthday being made a deal of, but would be really pissed in your shoes. It's not a good precedent at all, maybe even a dealbreaker. Even if he isn't into birthdays, he should acknowledge the way you celebrated his as an indicator, and do something other than send a text. Bleh. I don't like this guy much. How is he otherwise?
Author raea Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 I hate being center of attention, so I didn't want a big deal made of it either. I guess I just expected SOMETHING more than a text at midnight. Even a phone call would have probably made me feel better. I think the icing on the non-existant cake was that he asked what I wanted to do when he dropped off the pup. I told him that I wasn't feeling well, but I wanted to catch up on a show that he watches. He left before that show even started. I did ask him this morning why he left when he did, seeing as the only thing i requested for a birthday celebration was to watch that with him. He told me that I was being distant and he didn't like it. Dasein, I was going to reply and say that in other areas things are great, but his comment made me feel like **** because if he felt I was acting distant I feel he should have said something before leaving. He has tried in other ways to show me he cares - we've discussed how I hate that he doesnt verbalize it, and he stated that he's not good at it but he tries by showing me. He has made me dinner randomly, just so I had a home cooked meal (he's not a big cooker, so it was something he definitely had to think about). He's surprised me with a trip to Vegas back in august, and is always quick to help when I need something, fixing my flat, offering money when I'm running short for the month, etc. We ended up talking, with me stating that I felt disrespected and like an afterthought. He said he was sorry for ruining my birthday, that he tried to give me anything I wanted last night but that it went unnoticed. I told him that I just wanted to feel like somebody gave a damn. He told me that he does, that I mean the world to him and that he offers to do anything for me. He called me on his lunch break and stated he ran to the post office to pick up a package I missed when I was out of town, and offered to bring it by. I assume that's his way of trying to make up for it. I think what struck a chord was when he said he offers to do anything for me - it's true that he does, but it's only when I request it first. I think what it comes down to is that, for once, I wanted him to take initiative and do something for me just because, not that was requested to be done. So, I have some thinking to do. And maybe some more conversation with him. Thanks for the responses, guys.
dasein Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Well, OP, based on your last post, I imagine this kind of bad behavior on his part is going to continue or increase, with these kind of slights becoming more and more frequent. I'd consider moving on. Good luck.
Author raea Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Well, OP, based on your last post, I imagine this kind of bad behavior on his part is going to continue or increase, with these kind of slights becoming more and more frequent. I'd consider moving on. Good luck. Yep, that's where I am. Sucks it took this long to realize on my behalf. Thanks for the feedback, again!
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