Sameold Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 2 things reall that I could do with advice on: 1)I've started dating a girl and we are having fun, have been on a few dates and have kissed etc a lot (not slept together yet). How long is normal to suggest becoming a formal relationship? I ask as I dated a girl for 3 months but we never really moved forward to anything formal and eventually it just died out. Is having sex a good marker to move things forward or do I let the girl bring this up? 2)Also, having been single now for 6 months I am starting to get used to the screwed up world of dating and I can see that actually my 3.5 year LTR is not so complicated as we are NC and done. However, this girl I am now seeing seems almost too honest about things. She has openly told me that as she has been single for a while she has been guilty of dating quite a few people and things have never worked out, with her ending things. Sometimes she has explained why and in all honesty I find it wierd she does this. She is still friends with some of these guys and I think if I was actually her bf I would find this uncomfortable as the guys are still single and obviosuly they have had (probably more then likely still do have) intentions of trying to get with her. She has been the one who insigated our dating and she kind of picked up on fact I thought it was wierd she mentioned these other people and that she is their freind still. Infact this morning I didn't text her for sometime and she text me that she was worried I didn't want to see her anymore. What should I do here? Do I just trust her and if we become bf and gf then I set what my boundaries are? I just find some of it odd. An example is at one point she dated this guy she works with (she's a Police Officer) and for whatever reason she decided he wasn't right etc and that he just wanted sex. However then she tells me she is going shopping to the big city with him as mates in the week??? I told her I didn't get it and she said she wouldn't go if I didn't want her to but I said no do what you want as we arn't going out. It is just confusing, some girl mates have said she might be doing it to make me jealous. Others have said that as she has been single a while she has kept these guys around as they have made her feel good. She also has another friend colleague that is basically infatuated with her after dating a few times and having sex once. She's had to tell him to lay off. I like this girl and I know being in a job like the Police can be a bit insestuous. I want to protect myself here though. Do I just set my boundaries if we become official and if she doesn't like it then I go? or do I say something now?
dasein Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 (edited) Well her social life is hers entirely until you become exclusive. I have a suspicion you are getting a bit too heavy into the relationship, ex, emotional topics with this girl. Try to back off that. My POV on exclusivity is that the woman should at least broach the topic, and then you can state your wishes on it. The reason for this is that often this is the first proactive step the woman can take in the average relationship where the guy has been doing all the planning, asking out, contact, etc. If she's been doing some of the asking out and pursuit, fine for you to bring it up. Otherwise, IMO best to just keep taking her out on fun dates until she is obviously wanting you for her BF and says as much. Others will disagree of course. She should be willing to cease contact with exes, even friendly contact once exclusive, and you should definitely bring this up when discussing what exclusivity means. Good luck. Edited November 19, 2012 by dasein
Author Sameold Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks dasein, a really helpful insight. Generally speaking I would say meeting up has been pretty mutual so far but obvious as the gent I've been driving, paying on most ocassions. I did tell her that I'd rather not talk about her exs and people she has dated. At the time in the car she said she felt bad, like she had blown it with me etc...she hadn't I just thought it odd. She has warned me that she is very open about things in her past and I guess she is. It is just wierd her saying that at school she fancied this guy, they briefly dated but now she doesn't fancy him and they are off shopping to the capital as friends. Guess if we become gf and bf then I would say that isn't acceptable to me. In terms of become exclusive I would want her to make some kind of movement to reassure me her past is fully behind her and she is commited. She also mentioned how she would find it difficult bringing me to her work party because of this guy who is in love with her as it would cause drama. If we were going out and she did that I'd be off. Reasonable? 1
todreaminblue Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks dasein, a really helpful insight. Generally speaking I would say meeting up has been pretty mutual so far but obvious as the gent I've been driving, paying on most ocassions. I did tell her that I'd rather not talk about her exs and people she has dated. At the time in the car she said she felt bad, like she had blown it with me etc...she hadn't I just thought it odd. She has warned me that she is very open about things in her past and I guess she is. It is just wierd her saying that at school she fancied this guy, they briefly dated but now she doesn't fancy him and they are off shopping to the capital as friends. Guess if we become gf and bf then I would say that isn't acceptable to me. In terms of become exclusive I would want her to make some kind of movement to reassure me her past is fully behind her and she is commited. She also mentioned how she would find it difficult bringing me to her work party because of this guy who is in love with her as it would cause drama. If we were going out and she did that I'd be off. Reasonable? I think you need to let her know what you are comfortable talking about and what you are not, if she cares about you then she wont want to make you uncomfortable........i feel the past should be a one conversation deal all out in the open....move on.....not bought up every single time you date........What you have said is reasonable if you cant go with her to her work party because of some other guy that is an issue.....good luck....deb
peytondoll Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 (edited) I feel ya on the whole "keeping men around that she has dated." That would kind of be a red flag to me. Its fine sometimes people dont work out and sometimes people are better off as friends. However, sometimes people do this because they like having a lot of options and they like having others to use as an ego boost. These people tend to have problems with boundaries in a relationship as well. I only have one ex that remained in contant with all of his exes and he kept them around to use when he was lonely and to feel good about himself. However, Its really hard to tell based on your decription. I always find men's posts to be interesting. I always wait for the guy to bring up exclusivity. Every time I have brought it up first in the past it scared them away. I dated a guy over the summer for almost 4 months and he never brought it up and I assumed he didnt want exclusivity so I moved on. (Turned out later I was right...we spent alot of time together but he was still going on the website trying to find other girls to go on dates with) My point is: maybe she is waiting for you to bring it up as well. As a girl I can tell you I have several girlfriends who agree with me on the exclusivity part as well...so do not assume everyone has the same opinion as you. Edited November 19, 2012 by peytondoll
DC4 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I always find men's posts to be interesting. I always wait for the guy to bring up exclusivity. Every time I have brought it up first in the past it scared them away . I hate initiating that conversation more than anything. I'd rather tell someone they have six months to live.
peytondoll Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I hate initiating that conversation more than anything. I'd rather tell someone they have six months to live. Well if that is what you want from her...at some point one of the two of you will have to bring it up. The easiest way is to just ask if she is seeing other guys or wants to see other guys. If she really likes you, believe me, she will not be turned off by it. However, the way you describe her in your post makes it seem like she might like messing with people so I wouldnt blame you for not wanting to ask her.
Author Sameold Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 This girl seems to have thrived off male attention when she has been single. It is clear that as a result she has managed to lead at least one on to a point he basically loves her. I am going to keep this simple but always be honest about how I feel. I will approach the whole gf bf thing before Christmas so I know where we stand, and if we do officially go out then I'll make it pretty simple really. No gf of mine will be swanning around with guys that were trying to sleep with them only a few months back. Any indications that she wants to even spend time with these kind of people and that will raise a huge red flag. It isn't about being jealous, she just doesn't get to act like she is single if she is seeing me properly. Also, if she starts to detach me from other things in her life like the work xmas party then again, huge red flag. I'm no part-timer.
Author Sameold Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Another thing came up tonight too, after a few dates is it intense to be calling each other in the evening? She had a busy shift tonight and was tired but she didn't call me despite me saying she could drop me a line when she came in if she wanted. Think I need to chill out a bit here, I'm letting my concerns ride my behaviour in to wanting more contact. Ironically she seems to be more bothered when she think I'm hacked off with her. Guess I'll just see how this goes.
Author Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 hmmm I'm starting to see this girl probably isn't going to be the one. Sad We had a really nice date on Saturday but now she is back at work and doing things after with friends it all seems a bit pointless. Last two nights I've opened it up to chat to her on phone and tonight in particular she has dissapointed me. She basically text me to say yeh lets chat after I suggested it and she was putting her PJs on etc. I then text her asking if she was free and she says can we chat tomorrow as shes too tired...I just replied saying no problem. It is dissapointing but at end of day she's had enough energy to go to work and then to see her friends at bingo and then text to say shes home and getting changed etc and yet cant even press call/recieve and have a 5min chat. Some people may say it isn't a big deal but to me it is just a normal kind of way for things to progress in dating. Guess I'll just leave trying to chat etc now until I see more effort from her. Otherwise the next time I see her will be over a week, but to me they are just "static" dates and to me that is pointless when you are hoping to get to know someone on a higher level. Opinions? Am I being too harsh?
Author Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Can anyone advise me on post 10?
todreaminblue Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 hmmm I'm starting to see this girl probably isn't going to be the one. Sad We had a really nice date on Saturday but now she is back at work and doing things after with friends it all seems a bit pointless. Last two nights I've opened it up to chat to her on phone and tonight in particular she has dissapointed me. She basically text me to say yeh lets chat after I suggested it and she was putting her PJs on etc. I then text her asking if she was free and she says can we chat tomorrow as shes too tired...I just replied saying no problem. It is dissapointing but at end of day she's had enough energy to go to work and then to see her friends at bingo and then text to say shes home and getting changed etc and yet cant even press call/recieve and have a 5min chat. Some people may say it isn't a big deal but to me it is just a normal kind of way for things to progress in dating. Guess I'll just leave trying to chat etc now until I see more effort from her. Otherwise the next time I see her will be over a week, but to me they are just "static" dates and to me that is pointless when you are hoping to get to know someone on a higher level. Opinions? Am I being too harsh? You are being a little harsh....recap.....good date saturday night,she has chatted to you one other night and asks you because she is tired can she chat to you tomorrow night instead of tonight....she works and has other friends as well and she went to bingo....you should not think she isn't the one because she disappointed you once.......if it was constant then maybe you could question her interest....you are early in the dating sphere you dont want to seem overly pushy, understanding and patient would be good....do you have friends that you could maybe hang out with.......you should maintain relationships other than with your girlfriend so you have a full and active life......i don't mean with opposite sex i mean mates you can chill or have neglected lately touch base with them....dating doesnt have to mean all consuming to your life or to hers...dating her is a part of your life....a wonderful part but it should not overtake your life or it will become a chore not a pleasure for both of you....best wishes....deb
Author Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 You are being a little harsh....recap.....good date saturday night,she has chatted to you one other night and asks you because she is tired can she chat to you tomorrow night instead of tonight....she works and has other friends as well and she went to bingo....you should not think she isn't the one because she disappointed you once.......if it was constant then maybe you could question her interest....you are early in the dating sphere you dont want to seem overly pushy, understanding and patient would be good....do you have friends that you could maybe hang out with.......you should maintain relationships other than with your girlfriend so you have a full and active life......i don't mean with opposite sex i mean mates you can chill or have neglected lately touch base with them....dating doesnt have to mean all consuming to your life or to hers...dating her is a part of your life....a wonderful part but it should not overtake your life or it will become a chore not a pleasure for both of you....best wishes....deb Thank you, yeh I have things planned for this weekend and still keep in good contact with my mates, it has just been a bit dissapointing that this week it has felt like me putting in most of the effort and I know that can be a bad sign. I think I compare things to how they started with my ex but I know I need to realise that actually as I'm older now people have lots of stuff going on in their lifes and generally speaking things take longer to get going. I'll try and chill out and hopefully I'll see her in a week. If she cancels I'll let her be the one to try and rearrange.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 You are coming on way too strong. Calls every night after few dates? You will scare her away. I have been scared away by guys who did that. She is giving you cues to slow down (texting instead of calling etc). Perhaps this is due to incompatible communication styles. If you really like her, back away and let her miss you a bit. You are suffocating her.
Author Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 You are coming on way too strong. Calls every night after few dates? You will scare her away. I have been scared away by guys who did that. She is giving you cues to slow down (texting instead of calling etc). Perhaps this is due to incompatible communication styles. If you really like her, back away and let her miss you a bit. You are suffocating her. So true. I know she had a really good time Saturday with me so I need to stop questionning things. I will back off. If I have already scared her off then obviously it wasn't meant to be as it obviosuly wouldn't take much to put her off me. I just prefer talking to texting, I find texting very linear and quite boring. Much rather have a 5 minute chat, if that is too much for someone after spending hours with me in person then I find it odd but I know it is the way many people are.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Does she really know it's only gonna be 5 mins? I am scared of phone calls because they tend to drag on for at least 30 mins. She is not "too tired" to accept a call, she is just trying not to offend you by telling you straight up that it's too much. It's a good sign that she texted you. At least it shows that she is still interested in keeping this going.
Author Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 yeh you are right ES, we both tend to go on a bit for it wouldn't be 5 minutes. I just replied to her last night saying "no probs x" but I wont ask to talk again. This morning I sent her an upbeat message and she replied so I sent one back just in response to what she said. I'll leave it now. She has told me she is a bit of a commitment-phobe but I'm only prepared to accept that for so long. If in a months time things are like this then they will never progress, I know that from experience. She has dated quite a few guys and broke it off with them all but keeps them around to make her feel good. If she thinks she can do that with me she has another thing coming.
todreaminblue Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Thank you, yeh I have things planned for this weekend and still keep in good contact with my mates, it has just been a bit dissapointing that this week it has felt like me putting in most of the effort and I know that can be a bad sign. I think I compare things to how they started with my ex but I know I need to realise that actually as I'm older now people have lots of stuff going on in their lifes and generally speaking things take longer to get going. I'll try and chill out and hopefully I'll see her in a week. If she cancels I'll let her be the one to try and rearrange. Perfect plan bud, It is wrong to compare any relationship to an old relationship it is always going to be unique when you start a new one, as soon as you feel that mind set of comparison coming on tell yourself that. Disappointment shows you care about the relationship dont sweat feeling disappointed just let it go though, I agree with eternal sunshine just relax a bit dating is supposed to be enjoyable i have heard that...lol....dont know if i believe it after being on this forum for a while.......more like enjoyable torture.....grinnin......your gf does need to put some effort in though in the future if you relax that effort might come naturally let her initiate....forcing issues is never fun......for the doer and the receiver......so chill with some friends have some fun and lots of laughs without her and when you do get together you will be relaxed and more secure because you have a life outside of the dates ....as she does....as i said perfect plan you have there....and i wish you much luck dating and little torture...smilin atcha...good luck.....deb
Author Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Cheers Deb, it just feels like the texts are drying up from her now, yet it was only Sunday she was getting self-concious and asked me if i still wanted to keep dating her. Will send her a text saying night i guess but i bet if i didn't she wouldn't text me....maybe i'm just doing it all wrong.
theredpill Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 (edited) Please stop texting, calling or any unnecessary contact - you will come across as weak, needy and insecure. Tough to hear when your heart says otherwise, but real life is not like in the movies - you cannot simply chase or use logic to make a woman like you. Love is playful and fun, leave the drama, questions such as "where are we?" way alone or you will lose this woman, guaranteed. It's your own actions that are to blame here, please understand and don't try to rationalise her lack of interest. Good luck anyway and if it goes pearshaped, learn from your mistakes for the next one Edited November 21, 2012 by theredpill mobile keyboard..
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I think you are now even texting her too much. You shouldn't be texting good morning/good night this early. Especially with this girl who has kinda been dodging your contact. Maybe one text max during the day. I would even lay off that for couple of days and let her initiate and put some effort in.
Author Sameold Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 To be honest i dont think ive done too much wrong here, she was texting me loads before, it just seems now shes cooled off. In actual fact she was the one second guessing my thoughts on her up until this weekend. I'm going to leave it now as I am finding her messages to be pretty dry and she isn't really prompting much discussion. No more texts from me tomorrow. End of the day she needs to be bothered enough to text me and she was before so unless she was just dicking about then she will be again.
Recommended Posts