SecretFlower Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I'm sitting here alone without my family or anyone once again for thanksgiving. It feels eerily similar to when I was the OW and would sit alone on holiday after holiday and be miserable because he was with her and I was alone. Last year I was happy with my STBXH and spent what felt like the beginning of a new chapter. Now, I'm back where I started. He's off to our hometown with his son and she's heading home as well. My ex will be spending the holiday with his family (obviously) and most of my friends are spending their day with their husbands and children and families. I suppose I could go home, but I really don't want to deal with the drama of my family and concern over my "well-being". So, what about everyone else? As OW did you loathe holidays? And after? In the years after did it still hurt to be alone? I just feel like I've regressed and am back to sitting in my apartment sobbing while he spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. I feel jealous and envious and it feels icky. I feel horrible. (I should clarify she's going to CT and he's going to MN.)
carhill Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I remember when I was a single OM and was 'alone' at the holidays I'd pick those days to do my volunteer shifts at the zoo, since people go there 365 days a year. Never lacked for interesting people and interactions. Then I'd go home and fix whatever I wanted to for dinner, no 'customs' or 'traditions', or have dinner at my mom's if she was around. Lately, since she's dead now and I'm divorced a couple years, I pack up the camper and go to the beach and meet up with friends. Life goes on. 4
Author SecretFlower Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 ^^ I know what I should do. I should book a last minute flight and go home, but I don't see that happening. I'm just...in a bad place.
carhill Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Also, probably not encouraging, it's OK to feel miserable and grieve if that's what you want to do. These things are a process. When the time is right, it'll be evident. What death and divorce taught me is the gift of life and love in an otherwise desert landscape of solitude until the grim reaper comes, so I appreciate whatever comes my way. 4
Author SecretFlower Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Thank you for your kind words, I understand grieving and it's not even (and I hate to say this) that I want him to be around I just want someone to be with. I don't necessarily want an instant family with him and to go to his family's house for the holidays I just want that feeling of being with people you love and being happy. I want to feel how I did last year with my husband. I want that feeling back. I guess a part of me misses my husband and I'm sitting here in the middle of a divorce wondering what the hell I was thinking. I love my DMM in many ways, but I'm starting to doubt this will ever be resolved and whether or not this is all just a disaster waiting to happen -- and thanksgiving just seems to be our tipping point. He offered to stay home and send his son with his ex for the holiday, but why should I take that precious time away from him? And is that how our life is going to be? Beating around the bush and avoiding awkward situations with his ex-wife and family? A few months ago when I first posted about our rekindling the relationship someone asked whether I thought they'd ever accept me and I'm starting to think they won't and I doubt my family will accept him. I'm sorry to turn what was a simple post into such a melodramatic mess (lol) I'm just freaking out a bit right now.
Barrsitter Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 SecretFlower....I know how you feel. Maybe go to a homeless shelter and help serve turkey dinner. I did that one Christmas Day and it was the best Christmas ever! Or go to a local hospital and visit people who have no one visiting them. Or go to a movie! Or call a friend and invite yourself to their Thanksgiving. We all need companionship and community so your feelings are quite normal. Just put yourself out there and do something completely different. Maybe it will turn out to be the best Thanksgiving ever!
MissBee Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I'm sitting here alone without my family or anyone once again for thanksgiving. It feels eerily similar to when I was the OW and would sit alone on holiday after holiday and be miserable because he was with her and I was alone. Last year I was happy with my STBXH and spent what felt like the beginning of a new chapter. Now, I'm back where I started. He's off to our hometown with his son and she's heading home as well. My ex will be spending the holiday with his family (obviously) and most of my friends are spending their day with their husbands and children and families. I suppose I could go home, but I really don't want to deal with the drama of my family and concern over my "well-being". So, what about everyone else? As OW did you loathe holidays? And after? In the years after did it still hurt to be alone? I just feel like I've regressed and am back to sitting in my apartment sobbing while he spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. I feel jealous and envious and it feels icky. I feel horrible. (I should clarify she's going to CT and he's going to MN.) TBH...that wasn't something that affected me deeply. I didn't spend any holidays sobbing and jealous...and it's because I was spending it with my own family doing our own thing. Part of it might also be because we were LD so I guess it didn't feel obviously like he lives 30 minutes away but can't see me because he's with "her", but we lived in 2 different countries, so I think that helped me to feel like, even without "her", I probably wouldn't be spending it with him as easily. I definitely understand those feelings though...it's especially more difficult IMO when the person lives relatively near but why they aren't around is because they have a whole other life without you. I'm kinda confused though...is your ex husband with his OW?
Author SecretFlower Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 ^^ No, my stbxh is spending the holidays with his family and (allegedly) new girlfriend. My DMM is spending the holiday with his son and his ex-wife is spending the holiday with her family. Thus me alone by myself for the holiday.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Get yerself on that plane and go be with your family! Even if you don't feel cheery and in celebrating mood, GO! A change of scenery might do you good! 3
MissBee Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 ^^ No, my stbxh is spending the holidays with his family and (allegedly) new girlfriend. My DMM is spending the holiday with his son and his ex-wife is spending the holiday with her family. Thus me alone by myself for the holiday. Ohh okay. I agree that it seems better to be around family asking about your "well being" than alone. But you can be the judge of that. As irritating as family can be sometimes, at the end of the day, they do care and you may surprisingly have a lovely time or at least the "drama" will take your mind off of sitting around mulling over all these thoughts of loneliness and jealousy. I agree with WWIU. Book the last minute flight and go be with family!
BrokenPrincess Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Going home sounds like a good idea, but if not, I vote for inviting yourself to a friends house. We've hosted single friends and also been the ones crashing other family dinners when we moved across the country. The more the merrier when it comes to the holidays! But in other sucky holiday news, I decided to go online & saw posts about xMM & family now that daughters home from college. Feel like I got punched in the stomach & now imagining all the festive cheer he's having like I never existed. Blargh time for a glass of wine & some TV. 1
Author SecretFlower Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 ^^ Thanks for the advice everyone. I called my mother and booked a plane ticket, I'm leaving later this afternoon. Hopefully it will get my mind of things and I can finally figure out what it is I want. 1
SunsetRed Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I feel exactly the same as you do. My relationship w xMM is over but I am not dating anyone else either. He's w his wife, who also has a birthday in Dec as well as its their wedding anniversary. I don't want to be with my family of origin either, due to them asking me if I'm seeing anyone and advising me to "go to church" because then my life wouldn't be so messed up. Last year I geared myself up for a great 2012, filled w hope, promise and change. Well, I did date some and tried some new job adventures, but nothing panned out so here I am alone for another New Year. Well. good luck to you. I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.
Author SecretFlower Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 ^^ Hey SunsetRed, I hope your holidays went well and I know those feelings of being alone really suck. It's a kick in the gut everytime you see someone who's with someone. Anyways, thanks everyone for the advice. I (obviously) ended up going and it was really nice to get away and get some clarity regarding the whole mess that has been my life the last few months. I'm home now and everything is back to normal -- in fact I had a nice conversation with my STBXH a few days ago regarding everything and while I doubt it will make our divorce any more civil or change anything it was nice to know that he wasn't always an a$$ and that he didn't always seem to hate me. Sooo...Maybe my holiday didn't suck as much as I thought it would. 2
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