logickill Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Honestly, I have a broken heart; she has the same. We have "broken up" due to my distancing myself as a direct result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We have been in love since day 1, 6 years ago on August 14th, 2006. We've done everything together, enjoyed just the very thought of each other and held each other at any chance that we got. I moved out of state due to extreme circumstances, she followed! This was the happiest day of my life; living with the girl that I love with every inch of my entire being. A little over a year later, she gets pregnant and we have a beautiful daughter! We continued doing well but over this time I began to change, little by little my work was breaking me down. At this time, I worked in the U.S. Intelligence Community where we conducted paramilitary operations along with target surveillance and acquisition. During this time, everything began to unravel and I saw my friends die; saw them become nothing more than a memory and a folded flag. I felt my humanity slipping away and I was lost. When I got the opportunity to go home, regardless of how tired I was, I tried to spend every waking moment with her and my daughter. I would go days without sleep just to have the opportunity to hold my beautiful girls. The silent killer was lurking in the back and it was creeping on me. Nightmares ensued, activating events and depression; she saw this but I refused to admit that there was anything wrong with me. Fact is, I was dying inside; little by little, night by night I felt as if I can never see the world as I once did. How could I? I saw my fair share of death (both children and adults), hardship, defended myself by using lethal force on those who attempted to do harm to my team, my country and myself. My very sense of humanity and even my identity was fading away. I became distant and I did not mean this. I felt what it was doing to us so I left. Yes, I left - physically but my mind could not escape the captivity and control that my former employer had on me. Over time I would let go of that but the distance remained. I would kiss her, make love and when it was good it was amazing! A few months ago, I was diagnosed with fibrosarcoma cancer. I was torn, not because I was scared but because I was scared that I wasn't going to be here for my girls. I ended up beating up; or so I thought. I recently found out that there may be a chance that it is still in me; thus the distance remains. I've tried so hard to change it and when I finally break free of the captivity and horror; this nightmare happens. I feel so empty. She told me last night that she'll NEVER be able to love somebody how she loves me, not even close. I will never love ANYONE like I love her - she's amazing and I hurt her. I feel horrible! I asked her that if she can see that I'm being sincere, we will be together again one day. That day has to be soon because the person who is now alone is the REAL me; a vulnerable one who has an undying love for this amazing person. Please help me, give advice or anything!
scarlet.vixn Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 You have just learned that you have a fatal illness, in addition to getting all the treatment that you need to get to extend your life and hopefully beat the illness, being sick is not a reason to stay away. Yes you need to adress the post traumatic problems, see a councelor and do everything you can. But this woman obviously loves you, if she's willing to stand beside you thick and thin, then let her, love her, cherish her, because there may come a time that you want to do these things, that you're "ready" to do these things and then there isn't any time left. Time is precious don't waste a second of it. Good luck to you, thank you for serving sir, and I pray you find peace and happiness.
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