ProbablySelfish Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I've been married for 14 years to a wonderful woman. She's a fashion model, a great mom (we have one teenage son), a great cook (always has a hot meal on the table) and everyone loves her. Now on to the obvious sex problem: it's boring and all about her. We can only do missionary position with virtually no variation. Sometimes she gets on top if I insist. I used to give it a pass because she is so physically beautiful. The other issue I can't get past is the lack of kissing. She thinks french kissing is gross and unsanitary. She will not open her mouth at all, her lips feel like and move like a stiff fish mouth. I LOVE passionate french kissing as much as I love sex. So if someone thinks mouth kissing is gross, you can imagine how she feels about oral sex. That doesn't exist going either direction. She is completely incapable of performing oral sex on me. She hates it and couldn't be more terrible at it. I enjoy giving oral sex to woman, she gets scared stiff if I insist on going down. Her eyes bug out and she goes stiff as a board until it's over and can't stand it. Again, I don't think it's me, she thinks it's the most unsanitary thing ever and it completely grossed out by my desire to do it. I've chosen to go the dis-honorable road to solving this. I cheat. A lot. I do it because it's easy and there so many woman that are willing to carry on a sexual relationship with a married man. This is not only dishonest, but it hurts me and takes an enormous emotional toll on my well being. When I get involved with other woman I sometimes fall hard for them and it kills me when it inevitably ends. This feels like an endless cycle of hurt and destruction. Now here it gets a bit more complicated. She has cheated too. Not like me, but it has happened. I'm not sure what she's missing that she needs to cheat. I sometimes think she only has done it to 'get back' at me. She says she's happy and does not want the marriage to end. She seems to be much more in love with me than I am with her. My parents LOVE her, everyone in my life LOVES her. My own father told me I'll never ever get another girl as good as her. From an outside objective viewpoint, that may be true. Further complication: She has a 4 year degree, amazing social skills, lots of job experience...but no career path at all. For a while she was working and making $35k/year which was great! But she said it was too stressful and wanted to start pursuing art. This shift in focus happens every couple years and frustrates me because we only have one kid and he's grown. I was completely okay with her working part time and taking care of our child while he was young. She did great at it and that is worth ALOT. That part of our life is over and I feel like she wants to chill and have me finance her hobbies. I'm a hard worker with a career and resent people who don't want to work. It will destroy my relationship with my parents and many friends if I initiate a divorce. Everyone thinks we are a 'perfect couple' and we've been an inspiration to others to pursue marriage. I could easily keep up this facade. Should I?
CarrieT Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I could easily keep up this facade. Should I? I don't think so. You can't live your life for your parents and if you are not happy in your marriage, you shouldn't live a lie.
karnak Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 (edited) What a messed-up life. Do you really want to live like this? If so, then your head is messed-up too. And that avoidance of sex from your wife is a bit suspect. Specially considering she's a fashion model and should be at ease with her body and nudity in general. Has she ever really been attracted to you or were you only a good "provider"? Edited November 18, 2012 by karnak
Author ProbablySelfish Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 And that avoidance of sex from your wife is a bit suspect. I didn't really say she avoids sex. She enjoys sex, has orgasms and sometimes initiates it. I just said it can only go a certain way and gets turned off by the idea of any variation in the routine. Btw, I don 't make a whole lot of money. Hence the insistence to have a dual income. She is a former fashion model and is comfortable with her body, just not certain 'fluid exchanges' as she see it as unsanitary.
Author ProbablySelfish Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I don't think so. Thank you Carrie, it's so hard to talk about this subject with people in my life. The only people that sympathize with me seem to be other married men with marital problems. My single guy friends who want to be married think I'm a total ******* and am messing with the pool of available women. We are currently fighting because I brought up the job thing last week. We are currently sleeping in separate beds due to my coldness towards her recently. I don't know what I expect to hear from this forum. I know the only solution and I am scared of the consequences. I just needed to get it out.
meandmyself Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 (edited) If you have any sense of decency at all just tell your wife you are leaving her and just go... she does not need your drama... Edited November 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
heartinlove Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I cant for the life of me understand why you would want to stay in a marriage just to keep up a facade for friends and family? That must seem crazy to you just reading it. Have you spoken with your wife and let her know how much of a deal breaker her sexual hangups are for you? Is this something she's willing to work on? Why aren't you being honest with her about all this and then deciding from that point to either work on the marriage or to separate. Having constant affairs is such an unhappy way to live. Why would you settle for a life like that and/or subject your wife to that? You're not being fair to your wife while your putting all this energy into keeping a facade for everyone else. Why are you working so hard to deny the essential truth of what you need as a man to be happy in a marriage and why aren't you communicating all of this to your wife? 1
Author ProbablySelfish Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I cant for the life of me understand why you would want to stay in a marriage just to keep up a facade for friends and family? That must seem crazy to you just reading it. Have you spoken with your wife and let her know how much of a deal breaker her sexual hangups are for you? Is this something she's willing to work on? Why aren't you being honest with her about all this and then deciding from that point to either work on the marriage or to separate. Having constant affairs is such an unhappy way to live. Why would you settle for a life like that and/or subject your wife to that? You're not being fair to your wife while your putting all this energy into keeping a facade for everyone else. Why are you working so hard to deny the essential truth of what you need as a man to be happy in a marriage and why aren't you communicating all of this to your wife? To communicate all this to my wife would be to initiate a divorce, which is a strategic choice. I keep with it because she and my son depend on me emotionally and financially. I don't want to abandon them. I guess it's the "Bridges of Madison County" syndrome of wanting to make the choice of hanging in there for the family. I'll admit I'm a liar and a coward and that will stay the same whether I'm married or not. It IS crazy but I'm not the only one in the world in this position.
Author ProbablySelfish Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Mmmm I don't know if you are for real or just trolling ...... but in case you are really for real man, you are a shame for all the husbands who actually understand commitment and try to live everyday the marriage as it should be and as you promised in your marriage vows... If you have any sense of decency at all just tell your wife you are leaving her and just go... she does not need your drama... Thank you for your frank honesty.
karnak Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 To communicate all this to my wife would be to initiate a divorce, which is a strategic choice. I keep with it because she and my son depend on me emotionally and financially. I don't want to abandon them. I guess it's the "Bridges of Madison County" syndrome of wanting to make the choice of hanging in there for the family. I'll admit I'm a liar and a coward and that will stay the same whether I'm married or not. It IS crazy but I'm not the only one in the world in this position. You don't have a life. You have a lie. 3
frozensprouts Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 To communicate all this to my wife would be to initiate a divorce, which is a strategic choice. I keep with it because she and my son depend on me emotionally and financially. I don't want to abandon them. I guess it's the "Bridges of Madison County" syndrome of wanting to make the choice of hanging in there for the family. I'll admit I'm a liar and a coward and that will stay the same whether I'm married or not. It IS crazy but I'm not the only one in the world in this position. was she like this before you married? If not, what has changed? has anything? honestly ( and you may not want to hear this) a big part of why you are in the situation you are in is cowardice...by not telling her you have issues with her hangups ( which seem to have been there for a very long time) you are, in effect, punishing her for something she knows nothing about...expecting her to chnage when she doesn't know there is a problem then punishing her for when she doesn't... 1
stillafool Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 To communicate all this to my wife would be to initiate a divorce, which is a strategic choice. I keep with it because she and my son depend on me emotionally and financially. I don't want to abandon them. I guess it's the "Bridges of Madison County" syndrome of wanting to make the choice of hanging in there for the family. I'll admit I'm a liar and a coward and that will stay the same whether I'm married or not. It IS crazy but I'm not the only one in the world in this position. But your son is a grown man. I might understand it if he were a minor. Who do you want to live your life for? Yourself or other people? Tell your wife that you fell in love with the last AP you were with and that will peak her to decide if you two should divorce. Let her go if you no longer desire her. It may be the best thing for her as she will regain her independence and be forced to restart her life. 1
2sunny Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 To communicate all this to my wife would be to initiate a divorce, which is a strategic choice. I keep with it because she and my son depend on me emotionally and financially. I don't want to abandon them. I guess it's the "Bridges of Madison County" syndrome of wanting to make the choice of hanging in there for the family. I'll admit I'm a liar and a coward and that will stay the same whether I'm married or not. It IS crazy but I'm not the only one in the world in this position. You already abandoned them when you decided to cheat. There's no trust or respect amongst the two of you - it may be a perfect match. 3
heartinlove Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 To communicate all this to my wife would be to initiate a divorce, which is a strategic choice. I keep with it because she and my son depend on me emotionally and financially. I don't want to abandon them. I guess it's the "Bridges of Madison County" syndrome of wanting to make the choice of hanging in there for the family. I'll admit I'm a liar and a coward and that will stay the same whether I'm married or not. It IS crazy but I'm not the only one in the world in this position. That was an honest response. I appreciate that, but I dont believe having an honest conversation with your wife automatically will turn into initiating divorce proceedings. I think thats an illusion and a cop-out you tell yourself to keep up this facade and not face anything. Clearly if everyone around thinks you have a great marriage you must have some ability to be honest with your wife so talk to her. If you choose not to, then you are settling on living an unauthentic life and what good does that do to anyone. Why set your sights so low on your life that you automatically assume you will be a liar and coward no matter what. Also, this isnt bridges of madison county as you are actively living a double life. I dont judge, because i know many people are in your situation. I just think most people in your situation feel it is better to live a lie than break up a family. I believe you do more damage to everyone, all three of you, in the long run living a lie as the truth ALWAYS comes out. Maybe not all the details, but the essence of it always comes to the surface. Find some courage. Deal with this now. You're going to have to face the music one day, why not do it before it all blows up on you. 1
sad puppy Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 And blow up it will. Instead of "everyone" thinking you're the greatest couple ever, they will all find out that you're a coward and a cheater. Handle it, or it will blow up. 2
jamielee Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 my baby daddy wont stop cheating how do i deal with all that pain if i try to get away then his sorry wants to change then after month again we get back there how do i deal with this or how do iget out of this relationship?
Recommended Posts