Trouble in a Long-Distance Relationship

[luckymeme]

Okay so here is my story:

 

I was working in brazil for a year at a sanctuary, origionally im from england. Whilst there a girl came to work as a volunteer staying for 3 months, she was french. To begin with althoguh she barely spoke english we had an imediate attraction and got on incredible well. After a couple weeks or flirting etc, we slept together for the first time. After which we spent more and more time together and lived together for 3 months in brazil. We had an AMAZING connection, both physical (sex was absolutely amazing) and psychological. During the 3 months we did some travelling around and sight seeing. As it was nearing the time where she had to leave we spoke and agreed to start our relationship and she would come back for another 2 months in 3 months time. We both knew we had never loved someone so much and it was amazing (she knew english almost perfectly by now). so we stayed 2-3 months apart, emailed and skyped everyday, still had a strong connection, she came back and we spent the next 2 months together again which was also amazing. things were as good as ever we even spoke about getting married etc.

 

After these 2 months she went back to france again and 2 months after that I went back to england.

We kept in contact still and i went to visit her in France.

In france our relationship was much more difficult to start with, we always knew our lives were different but I had to adapt myself quickly, and we both stayed in her TINY flat etc, we still had amazing sex and physical connection but didnt argued quite abit etc, I stayed there for almost 1 month, and toward the end of it, things started to look up, we both adapted ourselves better and was much more possitive. We were both really sad to say goodbye and loved eachother alot.

 

After another 2 months apart and fairly good contact via skype (not as good as brazil). I visited again, only this time was a different problem. We had sorted most of our previous differences so didnt argue like before etc. But she had skipped her period on her pill one time i was staying there so now her hormones were all messed up and she didnt have any desire. Before she would be annoyed if we didnt have sex 2 times a day lol, and now she didnt want anything at all. And it wasent just with me she never masturbated anymore or was attracted by anyone. And this had been going on for about 4 months. So this time when staying with her it was difficult, she tryed to want sex with me and do it etc, but it wasent right. She was abit ill also, but when i left we understood this problem and were sad to be parted loved eachother etc.

 

After i left france this time, she was super busy, with schoolwork, work, other things organised in her life etc, so i decided to give her some space as didnt want her to feel i needed to take up all of her time. Anyway this was obviously a bad idea we drifted apart etc quite abit. We had planned to see eachother in december. Anyway out of the blue she sent me an email saying she doesnt feel the same about us anymore etc, and doesnt know if we can recreate what we had etc and she still wants me as a friend but not as a lover anymore and doesnt have time for a boyfriend in her life.

 

Obviously I protested this and she said for us to give it some time and we would discuss it on skype in about a weeks time so it was still sort of "up for debate".

 

Anyway during the week i replied to her on email, explaining i think its alot caused by her desire etc and that we have drifted for the last month. She sent me an email saying i feel i need you again i hope we can keep in contact etc. But she doesnt think the circumstances are right for us at the momment and it cant work.

 

And when i skyped with her was very confusing, she told me she had been shopping and bought lots of stuff because she was sad. she looked so happy to see me, and kept saying like "your so beautiful" and told me she loved me/je taime and missed me.

 

And i was upset but she was laughing and happy most of the time because i think she wasent taking it seriously etc and when i tryed talk seriously she would try to make a joke etc.

 

Previously i suggested we keep some email contact and meet for a weekend in london in december/january to talk about things. Anyway whilst we were talking i was trying set a date for when we would meet or when we would contact eachother and she would say "no but we can see eachother when we want, or if you want to email me jsut email me, we dont have to make an exact plan".

 

Then I said to her i dont know how i will feel and im scared if she meets someone else, and she said its the same for me obviously its going to be difficult if you meet a girl.

 

She swears to me she has never cheated and says at the momment she doesnt have time for a relartionship and doesnt ant to report to someone when she gets home or have someone report to her. She wants to feel free in her mind.

 

I tell her we should go on a break, and she says no its not a good idea. all of this is confusing as hell.

 

Then at the end i say to her what should we do about our facebook status we can hide it etc or whatever. and she says she wants to keep it as were still "in a relationship" ?????

 

At the end i tell her i dont want us to speak for a month or something (hopefully so she will miss me), she says she does want to keep speaking now but its up to me. Afterwoods we will meet in december/january and see what happens.

 

Im crazy about this girl, what do you thinks going on in her mind?

 

Do you think me not speaking to her for a month to make her miss me etc is a good idea?

 

What can i do to win her over again?

[mammasita]

I don't think you have a choice but to give her time and space. I don't suggest not talking to try to get he to miss you. Yes it's a welcome side effect, but shouldn't be your sole purpose for cutting contact.

 

It does sound like things changed. The skeptic in me says she met someone else. I also don't think that missing a cycle would mess up her hormones that much to cause her desire for sex to dip. Did a doctor tell her this or was it her "explanation". I'm not an expert, so it may be possible, but it really sounds like BS to me.

[luckymeme]

Yes well idea of giving her some space/time is so she can get perspective (hopefully in a positive way).

 

I really doubt she has met someone else, she is a very honest person (sometimes too honest!) and im sure she would of told me. Also i know her schedule recently has been mental. + if that were the case why would she keep our relationship on facebook where her entire friend/colleague network can see if she had? and why would she want to continue to meet etc?

 

Well im not an expert on girls hormones but she basically continued taking the pill for 2 months, and it caused her sexual "dip" straight after she missed her cycle. Its not what she has said she cant explain it but its a potential answer ive come up with. (google ftw).

 

I suppose this is the optimist speaking from me here.

 

Its been 3 days of us not talking now, not sure if i should message her let her know shes on my mind or stick it out fully for a couple weeks....

[Million.to.1]

Did she change birth control pills by chance?

I lost my sex drive completely on a particular type of pill. I didn't even like the way my boyfriend smelled. I loved him though, but my sex drive vanished. The pill as a birth control method, any of them, just really don't work for me. But i never noticed while i was on them, it was only after I stopped and started to feel "normal" again.

 

Hormones do effect woman. This could be the reason her drive was down.

 

Seems like there is more going on than just that though unfortunately.

LDR are hard. You either have to be planning to make the relationship more, or decide to make it less. There really is no in-between.

[luckymeme]

Thanks for all the advice etc before, their have been some developments!

So for the last 3/4 months my ex kept her distance alot avoiding skyping with me etc, but sent me the occasional email. When it came near to us meeting she apologetically said she had plans to do something else etc, but said she was attending this event in May (6 months away) which we were both going to.

Anyway the emails become very infrequent but still abit affectionate when we did speak.

A couple days ago out of the blue she sent me an email saying she is really sorry she hasent taken time to write to me and "please don't be disappointed".

Anyway she said she wanted to come to England the end of February to come and see me, When i replied I asked where she would like to meet (assumin London). And she wants to come and stay with me at my house :S

Obvioulsy i still love her to bits and this is great news for me, but even i felt this is very sudden. She would be meeting my parents for the first time and staying with just me for several days, she also said she plans to come to London in April and will elt me know about that, and this meeting in May.

 

What do you think this means?

Just to recap in short. Dont speak with my Long Distance Ex, who broke it off with me for 3/4months. Now she apologies and wants to come and meet my parents for the first time and stay with me in England for a few days at the end of the month. Girls are so confusing!

[PepperPotts]

Ofcourse you will never know what went wrong and its better you dont even think about it.

 

No. Just... no.

 

Meme, you need to bear in mind when you do this how much she hurt you before, and be prepared to cut off contact if she edges towards that again. She needs to be on probation right now.

 

Talk to her. Make it clear you were hurt before. Make it clear that you're strong enough to protect yourself from the same pain this time around.

 

If you want to make this work, you need to have a very lengthy and frank discussion with her about what went wrong before. You don't just welcome back your ex with open arms and say "I'm so confused right now, LOL." You have to know what happened. You have to think about it. Because if you don't, you will both repeat the same mistakes, and hurt each other in the same ways. The situation hasn't changed, so you need to if this is going to work.

 

Please, please, please keep your guard up. I realize you're excited, but in spite of her meeting your parents this sounds suspiciously like an international booty call to me. She didn't want a relationship before, and "something came up" when it was time for her to visit. Now she has plans to visit England, and hey! You're there! And she happens to know that you're still head over heels!

 

I hope this ends well for you. I really do. But she's hurt you before, so please be careful

[TMichaels]

To begin with althoguh she barely spoke english we had an imediate attraction and got on incredible well.

 

Im crazy about this girl, what do you thinks going on in her mind?

 

Umm, have you considered *communication* between the two of you (or lack thereof) may be contributing to your dilemma?

 

If English isn't her first language, and even though it's supposed to be yours, it may well be there's a bit of "Lost in Translation" going on.

 

Just a thought...

 

TMichaels

[Asda]

Looks like she is spinning your head, from what you have said you are kind of chasing her and she is trying to be friendly and patiently waiting till everything will be over. Go to brazil with her for another year after that things might be different but in this environment everything will be over sooner or later, you wont be able to force her through your care or whatever you trying to do.You can see yourself she is not serious. Long distance sucks, it is torture, you have to be near with woman otherwise it is not natural, and i am sure somebody out of two will be a cheater.As soon as cheater start to play that is it,dead end.