Just stopped affair...questions about committing

[firstvanity]

Two weeks ago, I stopped an affair on my husband, and I told him. During the affair, I became attached to the other man on an emotional level, and it has been very much of a struggle to let him go.

 

The thing that has helped me in letting him go, though, is the thought/fear of losing my husband. I have apologized a thousand times, and we have cried together many times. I truly regret ever having done it in the first place. It was the sort of thing that I never saw coming, and I just liked the fact that I was desired by someone besides my husband. I know I should not have done it, and I was wrong for entertaining it.

 

My husband now is deciding whether to leave me, and he wants a commitment from me that if he stays and we go through the pain of repairing our relationship, we will stay married forever and grow old together. I don't know if I can do that, because too many things could happen, realistically. I will not get into another relationship again, but...I could fall out of love him, decide I just don't want to be married, decide I'm miserable...a lot of things.

 

He says he knows that if he commits to me and works this out, he is ready to die together. I don't know how he can know that, and I don't know how I can know it either.

 

Please help with this. Thank you.

[karnak]

You say you stopped your affair because you fear loosing your husband.

 

Do you really love him? Or have you just settled in life with him?

 

Honestly, it seems that subconsciously you already know that your relationship is doomed. Yet you're not ready to admit that. You cheated on your husband. That's a proof that your feelings for him are not as high as you expected when you married him.

 

And you're right: they will probably keep getting lower with age.

[road]

Two weeks ago, I stopped an affair on my husband, and I told him. During the affair, I became attached to the other man on an emotional level, and it has been very much of a struggle to let him go.

 

The thing that has helped me in letting him go, though, is the thought/fear of losing my husband. I have apologized a thousand times, and we have cried together many times. I truly regret ever having done it in the first place. It was the sort of thing that I never saw coming, and I just liked the fact that I was desired by someone besides my husband. I know I should not have done it, and I was wrong for entertaining it.

 

My husband now is deciding whether to leave me, and he wants a commitment from me that if he stays and we go through the pain of repairing our relationship, we will stay married forever and grow old together. I don't know if I can do that, because too many things could happen, realistically. I will not get into another relationship again, but...I could fall out of love him, decide I just don't want to be married, decide I'm miserable...a lot of things.

 

He says he knows that if he commits to me and works this out, he is ready to die together. I don't know how he can know that, and I don't know how I can know it either.

 

Please help with this. Thank you.

 

 

You had an affair because your BH most likely was not meeting all of your needs. The OM found out how to meet them so he could do you.

 

This is what OM do.

 

Now because your BH was not meeting your needs does not justisfy you having an affair. But you both have to learn how to affair proof your marriage and meet each others needs.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair; and His Needs Her Needs; both by Dr Harley.

[meandmyself]

You had an affair because your BH most likely was not meeting all of your needs. The OM found out how to meet them so he could do you.

 

This is what OM do.

 

Now because your BH was not meeting your needs does not justisfy you having an affair. But you both have to learn how to affair proof your marriage and meet each others needs.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair; and His Needs Her Needs; both by Dr Harley.

 

I don't know who this road guy is nor what is his/her history but keeping blaming the bs for the affair of his wife (he did the same to me) is not fair. Even this person has recognized that she felt for the OM because she liked to feel desired by another man.... what else does she need to say???

 

Really stop reading so many books and beguine to leave a life... you will find out that there is more things than the ones you read in the books...

[alexandria35]

My husband now is deciding whether to leave me, and he wants a commitment from me that if he stays and we go through the pain of repairing our relationship, we will stay married forever and grow old together. I don't know if I can do that, because too many things could happen, realistically. I will not get into another relationship again, but...I could fall out of love him, decide I just don't want to be married, decide I'm miserable...a lot of things.

 

Didn't you already make that promise to him when you said your wedding vows?

[Decorative]

I don't know who this road guy is nor what is his/her history but keeping blaming the bs for the affair of his wife (he did the same to me) is not fair. Even this person has recognized that she felt for the OM because she liked to feel desired by another man.... what else does she need to say???

 

Really stop reading so many books and beguine to leave a life... you will find out that there is more things than the ones you read in the books...

 

He follows Willard Harley. Harley blames affairs on unmet needs of the cheater.

 

It gives the betrayed spouse a false sense of security, because following the theory, if you begin to "meet" all of the needs, then your spouse won't cheat.

 

See how that works? Burden on the betrayed? Harley says that the affair is 100% the wayward's fault, except that the wayward would not have cheated if the betrayed had been meeting all of their needs. If you think about it too hard, you'll get a headache.

 

I was on that site for a long time, and read all those books. They have good advice for the initial discovery period of the affair- bit as for longterm recovery? Nope.

[firstvanity]

You say you stopped your affair because you fear loosing your husband.

 

Do you really love him? Or have you just settled in life with him?

 

Honestly, it seems that subconsciously you already know that your relationship is doomed. Yet you're not ready to admit that. You cheated on your husband. That's a proof that your feelings for him are not as high as you expected when you married him.

 

And you're right: they will probably keep getting lower with age.

 

 

No, I actually really do still love him, and I never really stopped loving him. It seemed so simple to me at the time that if my H never found out, I could keep with the A, and the A would eventually fizzle out. I feel like I loved both, though, but my long-term commitment was always to my H.

 

In response to Road, though it's a bit rough, I do identify a little bit in that the OM may have discovered a part of me that responded well to being desired by someone who didn't HAVE to desire me or was in no way obligated. But in response to Meandmyself, I do realize that is the reason I allowed it in the first place...or at least why I didn't stop it. I knew I was getting in over my head, but I enjoyed it so much at the time. I do not enjoy the aftermath of it now, though, and I had no idea somehow how much it would tear my H apart. I feel foolish for thinking anything else.

 

Alex, yes I did make the vow on wedding day, and I did this anyway. That's EXACTLY the same reason why I am hesitant to somehow...without a doubt...tell him that I can/will commit again forever. I did the first time! And this A happened anyway! I may not do another A (in fact, if I do, I'll just flat out tell my H that I want a divorce first), but there may be something else.

 

To Karnak, there was a point at which I realized the normalcy of a marriage wasn't always going to be exciting, and I was ok with that. Maybe when I did see the exciting thing, then, I was just more open to it...I don't know. It had something to do with the OM, too, and his good qualities. I want to commit without a doubt forever so badly, but I'm just not sure how.

Edited November 18, 2012 by firstvanity

[road]

I don't know who this road guy is nor what is his/her history but keeping blaming the bs for the affair of his wife (he did the same to me) is not fair. Even this person has recognized that she felt for the OM because she liked to feel desired by another man.... what else does she need to say???

 

Really stop reading so many books and beguine to leave a life... you will find out that there is more things than the ones you read in the books...

 

The BS contributes to things not being the best in the marriage. Leaving the WS with unmet needs and unhappy.

 

This does not blame the BS for the affair. Prior state of the marriage is no justification for the WS to have an affair.

 

The decision for a WS to bang another is their choice alone to make. In making that choice to have an affair all the blame for the affair goes to the WS.

 

The WS could of forced the marriage issues and go to a MC with the BS or go straight to divorce. Then after the divorce go find a new mate. These choices are the appropriate choice for an unhappy spouse to make. Notice these choices do not include having an affair.

 

Just because the BS was content with the status quo does not mean their spouse was happy or content in the marriage.

 

Unfortunately people have to get burnt before they learn that the stove is hot don't touch it.

 

Well the same is with marriages. Neither spouse knew about the importance of learing how to meet all of their spouses needs and having appropriate boundaries to prevent affairs.

 

The horse got out of the barn. The horse can be put back in the barn. Then the experience can be used by both horse owners to learn how not to do things that allowed the horse got away.

[Decorative]

The BS contributes to things not being the best in the marriage. Leaving the WS with unmet needs and unhappy.

 

This does not blame the BS for the affair. Prior state of the marriage is no justification for the WS to have an affair.

 

The decision for a WS to bang another is their choice alone to make. In making that choice to have an affair all the blame for the affair goes to the WS.

 

The WS could of forced the marriage issues and go to a MC with the BS or go straight to divorce. Then after the divorce go find a new mate. These choices are the appropriate choice for an unhappy spouse to make. Notice these choices do not include having an affair.

 

Just because the BS was content with the status quo does not mean their spouse was happy or content in the marriage.

 

Unfortunately people have to get burnt before they learn that the stove is hot don't touch it.

 

Well the same is with marriages. Neither spouse knew about the importance of learing how to meet all of their spouses needs and having appropriate boundaries to prevent affairs.

 

The horse got out of the barn. The horse can be put back in the barn. Then the experience can be used by both horse owners to learn how not to do things that allowed the horse got away.

 

This plays better to an audience that hasn't read a wide variety of books about the psychology of infidelity.

 

You cannot have it both ways. You cannot start the talk of unmet needs in one breath, and follow it with " but it's 100% the wayward's fault" in the next. It doesn't follow. It plays well where you come from, but not here. And the betrayed spouses? They are not the people with boundary issues. I've never had an issue with boundaries in my life, personally. And I would bet that's a familiar and common story.

 

For the record? When my cheating spouse read the Harley books, when we were early in recovery ? He was very very upset at the premise that I wasn't meeting his needs. I believe the technical term he used was " blameshifting horsecrap". LOL

 

You should read some Glass, Vaughn, Fisher, Pittman, etc. learn about over benefitted partners. You would really be surprised at just how wrongheaded Harley is.

 

* for the record, Harley also believe that same gender marriages will turn heterosexual children homosexual simply by hearing about such things because it will create neural pathways that change sexual orientation ( google it- I wish i were exaggerating)So consider the source of his "expertise".

Edited November 19, 2012 by Decorative

[firstvanity]

One of the problems is, that I miss him. I can't go through a day with out saying, "I wish ___knew this," or "I wish I could tell ______ this." I know that's destructive to my M, and so I won't do it. But I can't help desiring it.

 

So it seems like I've let my faith in commitment regarding myself down. And if I let myself down before now, what else can happen? I'm still in love with my H. How can I commit for the long-term?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed what would you be asking of your husband? Have you both been tested for STD's since you also put your husband's health at risk as well.

[meandmyself]

The BS contributes to things not being the best in the marriage. Leaving the WS with unmet needs and unhappy.

 

This does not blame the BS for the affair. Prior state of the marriage is no justification for the WS to have an affair.

 

The decision for a WS to bang another is their choice alone to make. In making that choice to have an affair all the blame for the affair goes to the WS.

 

The WS could of forced the marriage issues and go to a MC with the BS or go straight to divorce. Then after the divorce go find a new mate. These choices are the appropriate choice for an unhappy spouse to make. Notice these choices do not include having an affair.

 

Just because the BS was content with the status quo does not mean their spouse was happy or content in the marriage.

 

Unfortunately people have to get burnt before they learn that the stove is hot don't touch it.

 

Well the same is with marriages. Neither spouse knew about the importance of learing how to meet all of their spouses needs and having appropriate boundaries to prevent affairs.

 

The horse got out of the barn. The horse can be put back in the barn. Then the experience can be used by both horse owners to learn how not to do things that allowed the horse got away.

 

Oh, oh, oh.... I think you make this so complicated... ALL marriages and I say ALL... have problems man, there are 2 persons with their own insecurities and their own problems, there is not such a thing as perfect marriage... when one of the two decide to cheat or not is based on 2 premises...

 

a) person will power is low (we all get temptations but not all of us end up falling on them)

b) There is a strong sexual need or a strong sexual attraction towards a third party

 

 

When premises a and b are matched be prepared cheating is in its way... doesn't matter how good the relationship is and how many books you have read about relations...

[2sunny]

One of the problems is, that I miss him. I can't go through a day with out saying, "I wish ___knew this," or "I wish I could tell ______ this." I know that's destructive to my M, and so I won't do it. But I can't help desiring it.

 

So it seems like I've let my faith in commitment regarding myself down. And if I let myself down before now, what else can happen? I'm still in love with my H. How can I commit for the long-term?

 

You think too much of yourself and not enough of your husband.

 

Divorce him - he deserves better than a wife who trashes his life and still can only think of her own needs.

 

You have no idea how to participate in a healthy marriage.

 

Please, get some serious counseling going.

[road]

One of the problems is, that I miss him. I can't go through a day with out saying, "I wish ___knew this," or "I wish I could tell ______ this." I know that's destructive to my M, and so I won't do it. But I can't help desiring it.

 

So it seems like I've let my faith in commitment regarding myself down. And if I let myself down before now, what else can happen? I'm still in love with my H. How can I commit for the long-term?

 

How did you meet the OM?

 

Did you send the OM a NC letter?

 

Do you work with or live near the OM?

 

Are you in 100% NC with the OM?

 

Many WW need time to mourn the loss of their OM. In time and with NC you will realize how what the OM did was not honorable making him not suitable for a relationship.

 

You need NC to get over your addiction with them OM.

 

Reading OM old texts, emails, letters, looking at OM FB page is not being NC.

These actions are maintaining contact and your addiction to the OM.

Edited November 19, 2012 by road

[Decorative]

This laughable book should be retitled, if the husband is the cheater:

 

HIS Needs, HIS Needs

 

And if the wife is the cheater:

 

HER Needs, HER Needs

 

LOL!!! That is the truth right there!!!!

 

I swear- those Harley books do more harm than good.

[Decorative]

Maybe the OP needs to tell her husband about her much-needed "mourning period" so his pending decision to leave could be made quicker AND with all the facts.

 

Should the BS decide to kick her to the curb instead of being subjected to and unknowingly coddling her "mourning period," perhaps then she'll shift focus and energy into looking for ways to make it up to her husband instead of pining for the OM and feeling sorry for herself.

 

Me, me . . . and me.

 

Right. And following the Harley line of thought- she should also give him the headsup that for the rest of his life, talking about affair ( after an initial period of disclosure, then it's shut up time for the BS), mentioning the affair partner, or even seeing the affair partner across the room will render her helpless and running back to the AP. Because let's give all the power in the world the AP and the WS. Yup.

[meandmyself]

Really OP, divorce him and leave him alone... he doesn't need your drama!

[2sunny]

Seems you aren't sorry you did it - just sorry

It can't continue.

 

There's no

Way the M can recover as long as you're so focused on how YOU feel!

 

How about your H's feelings?

[Sauron]

Harley and the marrigae builder concept is right on target. Once a partner stops meeting needs you go and find a way to meet those needs. He is especially on target in the area of sex. Once a spouse is married, it does not mean you can get lazy and boring in the bedroom-for all of you that like to throw out "wedding vows", I don't recall any vows that say, I promise to let myself get fat and become lazy, become as unattractive as possible, and do everything I can to not meet your sexual needs, even though I pretended to before the marriage".

 

Good luck OP, my wife found about my first affair many years ago, and because of kids and life we muddled through. Now we have a decent realtionship and we don't fight about much of anything. Of course I also have several lovers on the side. It works for me. I would think if you have 2 willing partners the marriage builder concept would work if both made the effort and were sincere in the application of the principles it outlines. I actually tried this program with my wife but she lost interest in it and decided things were fine the way they are. I would divorce her except I am family oriented, we own businesses together and the major finacial hit I would take.

[meandmyself]

Harley and the marrigae builder concept is right on target. Once a partner stops meeting needs you go and find a way to meet those needs. He is especially on target in the area of sex. Once a spouse is married, it does not mean you can get lazy and boring in the bedroom-for all of you that like to throw out "wedding vows", I don't recall any vows that say, I promise to let myself get fat and become lazy, become as unattractive as possible, and do everything I can to not meet your sexual needs, even though I pretended to before the marriage".

 

Good luck OP, my wife found about my first affair many years ago, and because of kids and life we muddled through. Now we have a decent realtionship and we don't fight about much of anything. Of course I also have several lovers on the side. It works for me. I would think if you have 2 willing partners the marriage builder concept would work if both made the effort and were sincere in the application of the principles it outlines. I actually tried this program with my wife but she lost interest in it and decided things were fine the way they are. I would divorce her except I am family oriented, we own businesses together and the major finacial hit I would take.

 

Well if blaming your wife for your affairs helps you to go ahead with your selfish life it is not me the one that will getting you out of your marvelous world... If you felt your wife was not meeting your needs you should have told her and if she would not improve and you were not able to cope with it you should have taken a decision and leave her... That is what a man would do... a coward would take any kind of excuse to full around and still have the guts to shift the blame to the betrayed one.. I pitty your wife..

By the way you probably don't look anymore how you used to do in your wedding day... so don't blame your wife if she decides to open her legs to everyone in town as you are not the handsome guy she married anymore..

Edited November 20, 2012 by meandmyself

[firstvanity]

So many responses.

 

First of all, I don't care about Harley and whether his book is good. I'll turn to MC vs. reading a book about a situation not necessarily tailored to me and my H. It seems like there's a lot of bickering about this.

 

Yes, Brian, we are sure that we do not have STDs. Most people may not think to ask, so thanks.

 

Meandmyself, I think premise 1 was stronger than 2...my will power was low, and I didn't really know how to have the will to resist when it happened. I am aware of it now, though, and we are in IC and MC.

 

Road/Alice/Anybody, how long should a "mourning period" be on a 6-week affair that resulted in saying "I love you" and emotional attachment...I mean honestly, I do miss the OM, and I feel for him now that he has noone. This does not make me go back to him, but I do desire to know whether he's alright. When does this end? How can I know that there won't be another weakness in the future that I don't see coming now that can sideline us?

 

I didn't understand my H's feelings at the time, and I thought he wouldn't find out. I was stupid; I know. I know. I can't stand the thought of losing him, and I know it's what I deserve. Seriously.

 

I have thought briefly about polyamory and its practice as a lifestyle, but my H is not for it, and I want him more than I want it. I feel like, since this A was unexpected and I never thought I could do an A without divorcing my H, there may be other things that I don't expect. I don't know how to guarantee my H that if we aren't married until we die, it won't be my fault. I know it was my wedding vow; I did not know how hard it would be to keep. I do want to do whatever's necessary to keep it, though, and that's why I'm here.

[meandmyself]

So many responses.

 

First of all, I don't care about Harley and whether his book is good. I'll turn to MC vs. reading a book about a situation not necessarily tailored to me and my H. It seems like there's a lot of bickering about this.

 

Yes, Brian, we are sure that we do not have STDs. Most people may not think to ask, so thanks.

 

Meandmyself, I think premise 1 was stronger than 2...my will power was low, and I didn't really know how to have the will to resist when it happened. I am aware of it now, though, and we are in IC and MC.

 

Road/Alice/Anybody, how long should a "mourning period" be on a 6-week affair that resulted in saying "I love you" and emotional attachment...I mean honestly, I do miss the OM, and I feel for him now that he has noone. This does not make me go back to him, but I do desire to know whether he's alright. When does this end? How can I know that there won't be another weakness in the future that I don't see coming now that can sideline us?

 

I didn't understand my H's feelings at the time, and I thought he wouldn't find out. I was stupid; I know. I know. I can't stand the thought of losing him, and I know it's what I deserve. Seriously.

 

I have thought briefly about polyamory and its practice as a lifestyle, but my H is not for it, and I want him more than I want it. I feel like, since this A was unexpected and I never thought I could do an A without divorcing my H, there may be other things that I don't expect. I don't know how to guarantee my H that if we aren't married until we die, it won't be my fault. I know it was my wedding vow; I did not know how hard it would be to keep. I do want to do whatever's necessary to keep it, though, and that's why I'm here.

 

I guess it is all up to your H now... and his capacity to endure what you have done versus what he will lose if he leaves you... but make no mistake your marriage will never be the same. You will need to every day earn his trust back and honestly when I read how worry you are about the OM feelings I don't think it going to work...

Just be aware that most of the times the BS will give a one chance to the WS to proof they are up for the marriage but if your "low will power" makes you go the same route again chances are big that you will be end up without your H.

 

I think you should try to erase the OM from your mind to begin with... it is not fair that you ask your Husband to take you back when you are still not totally over from your A.

 

I don't know what your husband will do but looking at the signals that you are giving at this forum (and if you have asked him about poliamory..) I would not take you back... anyway it is not up to me but up to your husband and he is the one you need to worry about...

 

Good luck!

[Saba]

....Road/Alice/Anybody, how long should a "mourning period" be on a 6-week affair that resulted in saying "I love you" and emotional attachment...I mean honestly, I do miss the OM, and I feel for him now that he has noone. This does not make me go back to him, but I do desire to know whether he's alright. When does this end? How can I know that there won't be another weakness in the future that I don't see coming now that can sideline us?

 

I didn't understand my H's feelings at the time, and I thought he wouldn't find out. I was stupid; I know. I know. I can't stand the thought of losing him, and I know it's what I deserve. Seriously.

 

I have thought briefly about polyamory and its practice as a lifestyle, but my H is not for it, and I want him more than I want it. I feel like, since this A was unexpected and I never thought I could do an A without divorcing my H, there may be other things that I don't expect. I don't know how to guarantee my H that if we aren't married until we die, it won't be my fault. I know it was my wedding vow; I did not know how hard it would be to keep. I do want to do whatever's necessary to keep it, though, and that's why I'm here.

 

I really feel for your h. You write that you feel for your OM since he has noone but your h also does not a partner he can trust and rely on. Your OM knew the score when he became involved with you, your h did not.

 

The only way you can make your marriage work is to commit to doing whatever it takes to make it work. Honesty is key. How honest are you being with your h? How much compassion and understanding do you really have for your h?