Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I posted here a like 2 weeks ago about texting between a guy I have been seeing for 2 months now. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him, but it seems to have slowed down between us. At first he would contact me pretty much all day. I would wake up to a text from him. Now its kind of randomly throughout the day. Sometimes he will contact me, sometimes I contact him first. Anyways, I asked him if he was losing interest, and he said he wasn't, but that he goes through weird phases where he texts a lot, and sometimes not so much. I'm not sure what to think of that answer, sounds like a bunch of bull**** to me. Anyways, so I backed off contacting him, and he still contacts me each day, sometimes just later on in the day. A few times I have asked if he wanted to hang out, where he just ignores my invitation. Doesn't reply back or anything and acts like I didn't even ask. Tonight being one of those nights. When I asked him if he was losing interest, he basically said something along the lines of "I can tell you want more, and I'm sorry I can't give that to you." He was referring to the fact that he considers us casually dating. Which I am completely fine with. I have only known him for a little over 2 months, so that is fine with me. I have kept myself from getting too close with him, but it really bothers me that he just completely ignores me when I ask him. I mean even if he sad no, at least thats an answer. I have met his parents, even watched t.v. with them. His dad referred to me as his girlfriend. I have gone to dinner with him and his friends. He waits for me to get out of class at school. He sends me pictures of himself making faces, he sends me pictures of the most random stuff, his sister whom I have not met yet since she is out of the country, requested to be my friend on facebook. When I say bye to him, he always asks for a kiss. To me, this is what is included in a relationship. Although it is not much of a problem to me, I just can't figure out why he is against being in a relationship right now. Also, I saw he was online while typing this, so its not like he is busy. Anybody have any thoughts on this? Is it worth it to continue? It doesn't happen everyday, but when he does this stuff it makes me feel like he is not interested. But then he talks to me the next day, and acts pretty clingy when we are together. He initiates holding hands, kissing, asks if I want to hang out on occasion. He is busy during the week usually, as he works 2 jobs and goes to school full time, so I know not to expect too much time from him. But how hard is it to reply back to a text? I could just be overreacting, but I'm not sure.
Author Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 How old are the both of you? Younger people sometimes have problems communicating properly. But in my opinion...if he is just flat out ignoring you at times, I wouldnt put up with that. Im 22 he's 23. I have not heard from him yet, so yes, I guess you can say he just ignored me. He will probably text me something completely random later on today. Thats usually what he does. It makes me feel like I am annoying him or something.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 All the things you're reading into are completely irrelevant, just because a guy "treats you like a girlfriend" doesn't mean you are or will become one. Also just because other people refer to you as his girlfriend doesn't mean you are either, or any closer. In this case this is a guy who doesn't respect your boundaries and feelings, that's why he's "confusing" you, because his gestures are not as much thoughtful and though out for a greater purpose, they are just simply things he does because he wants to do at the time or are more convenient for him. He already told you were "casually dating" and what that means in man-speak is I'm willing to sleep with you, be with you, touch you and pretend to love you in some way shape or form but ultimately I don't want to be with you, committed and progress to more...regardless of whether it's two months, three months or four months. Now you're trying to convince yourself you're ok with that because you think as this develops things will reach that level. Well the joke will be on you because this is exactly in line how many women think and end up being strung along, as well as they think they can win-over the guy and see it as some form of competition, competition for them to step up their game and win the guy...but it's a fools bet more than a challenge, because all this sacrifice you will make for this in the end, will leave you empty handed. Unless of course you are going for the inglorious victory through war of attrition, where you basically hang on to a guys leg being dragged for months, possibly years until he never quite pushes you away because you won't let him go and then he kind of submits when he feels the grass isn't any greener on the other side because of his own inability or lack of confidence, not because of love for you. Many women guilt men into relationships by using time as value...for example six months from now you can say something like "we been together for 6 months, you obviously feel something for me, how could you just leave me and not give this a chance, give us a chance!" crap like that which basically begs men to stick around even though they don't want to...I'm not sure what kind of girl you are and what your limits are but that could definitely be in your future with a guy like this. Hopefully you use your brain over your emotions, or whatever "like" you have for this guy, you're naivety will lead you to believe you can "control your emotions"....I mean look around at other women, how much control do you really see going on when they're with a guy they really like? quit kidding yourself, you'll go down with the ship just like them, and then you'll look at this crappy pseudo-relationship and be blinded by your own emotions before you know it. The good news is this guy is kind of a jack@ss and isn't much of a swooner or he'd really have your wrapped around his finger eating out the palm of his hand, so I attribute this clarity that you have now only to his lack of ability to and maybe even desire to wrap you up into his little world, some men are more selfish and heartless than others. But he's definitely not a good guy, that's what you think now he's already showed you that you're an option, someone he contacts out of convenience and doesn't consider you a priority and you're not someone he does or he'd be all over you, regardless of all the crap he is telling you....when a guy is into you, he will choose the sacrifices to be with you rather than lose you...and you should pretty much always hold onto that and remember it unless you want to waste your time with this delusional romantic affairs that are one-sided. Moments like this are defining for women...are you going to demand more for yourself, more respect, more commitment...or are you simply going to follow the footsteps of many women before you and chase men around a bail of hay until you get burnt out and get tired of chasing, only to realize he never wanted you to catch him in the end. He does sound busy and invested in his other obligations, which means he's setting himself up for a future that he sees for himself, which likely doesn't include you. He's motivated for bigger things, so right now you're just a girl for the interim. You need to trust your gut, you know it's bull****, but curiosity is the bane of women with men many a time. Which means you've got to find out the hard way or let the sign hit you in the face before you it really sinks in. I know a lot of this is preemptive, you're not this far down the road with the guy, but I guarantee if what I'm saying above doesn't make sense, then it definitely will in the future if you keep chasing after unavailable men...so consider this is foresight. 3
taya Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 i agree hun hes not into you sorry just look at his action and you keep running after him which make it worst ..stop texting or call him from now let him do the chaseing hes one of them guys that when they know a girl want them alot he treats them like **** for it because he can..so my advice from now on let him go never text him first again and lets see what he does 1
Author Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 i agree hun hes not into you sorry just look at his action and you keep running after him which make it worst ..stop texting or call him from now let him do the chaseing hes one of them guys that when they know a girl want them alot he treats them like **** for it because he can..so my advice from now on let him go never text him first again and lets see what he does I did stop texting him. He still texts me everyday. That's why I'm confused, if he wasn't into me why would he still text me everyday?
todreaminblue Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I think its nice to reply to texts i think it shows respect and consideration even if its a one word answer.......i had an ex who would reply to every text half the time two word or three word answers....but that to me is respect.....the only time he didn't was when he was mucking up.....excellent communicator horrible cheat....we communicate better now we arent together he always replies I think you should talk to him next time you see him in person explain how you feel and dont initiate anymore texts if he is not responding it will just make you feel like crap if he doesnt respond......and that isnt fair......if you are not happy with the casual dating tag you need to tell him because if you differ on what you expect from a relationship you will never be happy ....everyone deserves to have happiness in life and love.....best wishes.....deb
Author Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 From personal experience, I don't think it is healthy for people just starting out to see each other everyday, so I told him that. He agreed and said he liked that about me. Within the first week of dating, he constantly told me he was comfortable around me. When I asked him if he was bored with me, he said "no, not at all, I like what we have right now, don't want to ruin a good thing." I am fine with that since it has only been 2 months since we met. I guess whats got me confused is, how fast we started out (even though we said we were going to take things slow), compared to now. My good friend gave me advice and said, he probably doesn't feel the need to impress you anymore, and thats why the texting has slowed down. Anyways, I'm not too sure if this will go anywhere, but I just wondering. If any men would like to give some input go right ahead
Author Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I think its nice to reply to texts i think it shows respect and consideration even if its a one word answer.......i had an ex who would reply to every text half the time two word or three word answers....but that to me is respect.....the only time he didn't was when he was mucking up.....excellent communicator horrible cheat....we communicate better now we arent together he always replies I think you should talk to him next time you see him in person explain how you feel and dont initiate anymore texts if he is not responding it will just make you feel like crap if he doesnt respond......and that isnt fair......if you are not happy with the casual dating tag you need to tell him because if you differ on what you expect from a relationship you will never be happy ....everyone deserves to have happiness in life and love.....best wishes.....deb Yeah, he could've at least said no. Its not that I'm not happy with casual dating. I am completely fine with it, but I think we have different views of what causal dating is. I have talked to him about it, and he said he was comfortable around me, and doesn't want to ruin what we have at the moment.
Author Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 It sounds like he only pays attention to you when its convenient for him. Thats what I'm thinking.
Author Car10e Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Thats usually one of the problems. Setting the ground rules and defining what "casual" dating is. Usually people just kind of live in a grey area...going along with it just so they can get that slice of the person. But that can lead to bigger issues.....because one of the people always tends to want more than the other....and sooner or later, conflicts ensue. Yeah, we do everything that I would consider a relationship to be. I think he feels he needs to commit more time to me, but I already told him I don't want to see him everyday. I don't really have a problem with us causally dating. I'm more concerned with whether he's even interested still, because obviously I don't want to waste my time. I asked him what he considers a serious relationship, and his response was, 'Idk, I guess when it becomes facebook exclusive." Haha I guess thats a red flag right there.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Yeah, we do everything that I would consider a relationship to be. I think he feels he needs to commit more time to me, but I already told him I don't want to see him everyday. I don't really have a problem with us causally dating. I'm more concerned with whether he's even interested still, because obviously I don't want to waste my time. I asked him what he considers a serious relationship, and his response was, 'Idk, I guess when it becomes facebook exclusive." Haha I guess thats a red flag right there. casual dating is not a relationship. Why are you bending to his rules when you deserve better? Do you even know what you want? Don't bow to his needs when yours aren't being met- if you want a relationship seek out someone who is on the same page as you. Obviously, dating does not mean seeing each other everyday,but no guy who is into you would agree with that; they will go out of their way to see you, despite their busy schedule. My boyfriend who works all day at the hospital still try to make time to see me everyday or every other day and his travel time despite how tired he is. Let this guy go.
Author Car10e Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 casual dating is not a relationship. Why are you bending to his rules when you deserve better? Do you even know what you want? Don't bow to his needs when yours aren't being met- if you want a relationship seek out someone who is on the same page as you. Obviously, dating does not mean seeing each other everyday,but no guy who is into you would agree with that; they will go out of their way to see you, despite their busy schedule. My boyfriend who works all day at the hospital still try to make time to see me everyday or every other day and his travel time despite how tired he is. Let this guy go. What rules am I bending? I've only known him for 2 months, so I don't expect him to change plans to see me. I don't have a problem with not seeing him. I think I have already said that. I am just curious to hear other people's view on the situation about him not texting as much as before.
tori0001 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Car, what ever you decide to do, I wish the best.
Author Car10e Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Car, what ever you decide to do, I wish the best. Thank you for your response, I do appreciate it
xpaperxcutx Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 What rules am I bending? I've only known him for 2 months, so I don't expect him to change plans to see me. I don't have a problem with not seeing him. I think I have already said that. I am just curious to hear other people's view on the situation about him not texting as much as before. You're contradicting yourself. You want him to text you yet you don't want him to see you? I do believe the two go hand in hand, if he's wiling to text you, he's willing to see you. You're not bending any rules but you're letting him draw the lines of where this " casual relationship" is going. As I've written, if you want a relatioship, do not settle for less.
Author Car10e Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 You're contradicting yourself. You want him to text you yet you don't want him to see you? I do believe the two go hand in hand, if he's wiling to text you, he's willing to see you. You're not bending any rules but you're letting him draw the lines of where this " casual relationship" is going. As I've written, if you want a relatioship, do not settle for less. Thanks you for your response. I see what you're saying. I have not let myself get too close yet, so I'm not sure if I want a relationship with him yet. I guess thats why we are casually dating to see if this does go anywhere.
taya Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 What rules am I bending? I've only known him for 2 months, so I don't expect him to change plans to see me. I don't have a problem with not seeing him. I think I have already said that. I am just curious to hear other people's view on the situation about him not texting as much as before. ok hun this is what i think i said it before that i dont think hes into you but you reply and say but he text me everday ..now you say he dont text much beside the point tho ..if i guy is acting like this guy dont reply when you text him ...you ask him out he dont answer you hes not into you even if he text everday or not am sorry but by his actions he is telling you that ..you need to see that and stop worrying about him and move on if a guy like you he would not be doing what this guy is doing ,hes just not into it as you are into him ...somthing is wrong on his part and we cant tell you what that is because we dont know all we know from what you say and thats hes not into you as you are into him and i would have not respond to alot of his texts from now on and see what he does .
Author Car10e Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 ok hun this is what i think i said it before that i dont think hes into you but you reply and say but he text me everday ..now you say he dont text much beside the point tho ..if i guy is acting like this guy dont reply when you text him ...you ask him out he dont answer you hes not into you even if he text everday or not am sorry but by his actions he is telling you that ..you need to see that and stop worrying about him and move on if a guy like you he would not be doing what this guy is doing ,hes just not into it as you are into him ...somthing is wrong on his part and we cant tell you what that is because we dont know all we know from what you say and thats hes not into you as you are into him and i would have not respond to alot of his texts from now on and see what he does . Thanks for responding. I believe he is still interested in me, because if he wasn't then he most likely would just cut me out for good. I think I made it sounds worse than it really is. It doesn't happen all the time. Its happened twice. I'm just trying to figure out if thats normal? I mean I have friends that do the same. It seems like people on here think I sit by my phone all day waiting for his texts, but I don't. I just want to let that be known haha. I didn't text him last night or today.
ja123 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 You've gotten some very good responses ... from Taya ... from PaperCut. The best response is from Ninja ... re-read what he wrote. I'm a woman, and I can tell you what he says is right on ... because I've made the mistakes he describes. Don't do the same, respect yourself, and move on.
taya Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks for responding. I believe he is still interested in me, because if he wasn't then he most likely would just cut me out for good. I think I made it sounds worse than it really is. It doesn't happen all the time. Its happened twice. I'm just trying to figure out if thats normal? I mean I have friends that do the same. It seems like people on here think I sit by my phone all day waiting for his texts, but I don't. I just want to let that be known haha. I didn't text him last night or today. ok so thinking what you said i agree with you if he dident like you or into you at all you he wouldent have even bother texting you ok ,,my question now is does he like you enough for it ever be somthing more to show you the respect you deserve do you always want to wonder if he likes you or why hes not anserwing your texts .what am saying is this if he start making you wonder why he dosent text back or just feel somthing is off do you think it will get better if you stay and keep doing what ever this is... will he make a effort in the future to show you he cares and wants more??? can you honestly say you see him becoming more..... i dont see it a guy that wants you will stop at nothing to make sure you see he wants you he would be texting you like craxzy ..so we say hes into you but is he into you enough???? thats the question you have to ask your self
Author Car10e Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 ok so thinking what you said i agree with you if he dident like you or into you at all you he wouldent have even bother texting you ok ,,my question now is does he like you enough for it ever be somthing more to show you the respect you deserve do you always want to wonder if he likes you or why hes not anserwing your texts .what am saying is this if he start making you wonder why he dosent text back or just feel somthing is off do you think it will get better if you stay and keep doing what ever this is... will he make a effort in the future to show you he cares and wants more??? can you honestly say you see him becoming more..... i dont see it a guy that wants you will stop at nothing to make sure you see he wants you he would be texting you like craxzy ..so we say hes into you but is he into you enough???? thats the question you have to ask your self I totally see what your saying. I felt like it was going somewhere at first, but lately its at a stand still. Well, I have not contacted/talked to him at all today. I don't plan on contacting him. I'm curious to see how he reacts to this. Thanks for the advice, that is a really good point you made.
taya Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I totally see what your saying. I felt like it was going somewhere at first, but lately its at a stand still. Well, I have not contacted/talked to him at all today. I don't plan on contacting him. I'm curious to see how he reacts to this. Thanks for the advice, that is a really good point you made. welcome..and yeah thats what i was saying before let him be no texts no calls and lets see what he does ....you will get your answer from it
bolase Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 He's not that into you and never will be. Ninja is right, we ladies are curious, we look for rays of hope, but he has been very very clear with you that it will end sometime. He said he can tell you want more and he can't give you that. That means he doesn't like you as much as you like him. That means you move right along!
curlygirl40 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 I can see why you're confused, I have gone through this myself. It's almost as if you have many pieces of a puzzle: He ignores you sometimes He blows hot and cold His family thinks you're his gf He sometimes acts like you're his gf He's not as texty as he used to be, but he still texts every day He says he can't give you what you want He's loving when he does spend time with you But yet you can't make that puzzle look like a clear picture. That causes confusion and causes your mind to race, and to not make sense of anything. When someone's words don't always match their actions, this causes confusion. But this is all you need to know. When asked, he flat out told you that he didn't want a relationship with you, or that he couldn't give you what you wanted, etc. Listen to this. That is all you need to know. Everything else means absolutely nothing. The fact that he is still interested, and still texts every day, etc., does not mean that he's changed his mind. He still likes you, still wants to spend some time with you, still wants to keep in contact with you, but yet he wants it on his terms. He has nothing else going on right now, and he does like spending time with you, he likes having a text buddy, he likes having someone to sleep with. But if you think the longer this goes on that he will change his mind and want to be in a relationship with you, that you will win him over, that when he does want a relationship you'll be the logical choice because you were there all along, you're wrong. He will have lost respect for you by this point (if not already) because you were willing to be strung along. You've lost value in his eyes. Either he doesn't want a relationship right now, or he doesn't want a relationship right now WITH YOU. It hurts but that's the truth. If you're not the guys girlfriend within the first 2-3 months, then you will never be. Some may argue but I believe this. If he really likes you and has feelings for you, he's going to want to make you his girlfriend so he can make sure that no one steals you away. And you are bending to his rules because you're letting him call the shots. He's flat out ignoring you sometimes and this is o.k with you? That's what papercut means when she says bending to his rules. He is calling the shots and you are like a ship in the wind just blowing around, not having any control over the situation yourself. I vote for leave. Read Ninja's post again, print it and tape it to your mirror. He's a guy, he knows how guy's minds work. And he's spot on. See, men and women are different. Men are better at living in the moment (in my opinion) than we are. He likes you, he talks to you. He feels like texting, he texts. He wants to spend time with you, so he contacts you. It doesn't mean anything, aside from right then, at that moment, he was reaching out to you. Men will keep women on a string because they want to know that they will be there for them when they want them. Doesn't make you his girlfriend. If you want to be his gf, send him a text that says something like 'it's been fun hanging out with you these past couple of months, but I'm not looking for something casual, I'm looking for a relationship. And since you're not looking for the same thing, it's time for me to move on. No hard feelings. Good luck. Lose my number'. And move on with your life. If he chases you after that, then maybe you could have yourself a boyfriend there. But I bet he won't. He'll be like 'man, that sucks I liked having you at my beckon call and having sex with you and having you entertain me via text when I was bored'. Best of luck to you.
curlygirl40 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks for responding. I believe he is still interested in me, because if he wasn't then he most likely would just cut me out for good. I think I made it sounds worse than it really is. It doesn't happen all the time. Its happened twice. I'm just trying to figure out if thats normal? I mean I have friends that do the same. It seems like people on here think I sit by my phone all day waiting for his texts, but I don't. I just want to let that be known haha. I didn't text him last night or today. Wanted to respond to this post of yours also. This is where you're going wrong in your thinking. You assume that if he wasn't interested in you that he would cut you off for good. Men don't do that. They want to make sure you're still around if they want you. I have done a lot of dating in the past 2 + years (after my divorce) and many guys who don't want a relationship with me will still text, still call, still ask to see me. They like having a harem that they can pull from when they are bored. Don't take this as a sign of real interest. And yes, you have friends who do the same (sometimes don't respond, etc.) but are you sleeping with these friends? So it's not the same, is it? Sorry if I'm being too harsh.
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