Breaking up because of online friends

[Viv]

Hi

 

I would really appreciate some advice. I met a guy a couple of months ago, we only dated for a couple of weeks before he was leaving the country for 3 months. We had a great time, and agreed to not see anyone else before he came back. I wasn't keen on this at first but agreed eventually as I did really like him.

 

The problem is that since he's been away I noticed that he interacts alot on facebook with girls who are much younger than him, always attractive and seem to be mostly single. When I asked him about this he said that while he was single he made some connections online and some of them have become friends, they write to each other and as he his doing nothing wrong (it is entirely innocent) he doesn't see any reason to stop. I was quite honest with him about my past relationship making it hard for me to trust again, and I feel like he has used this against me, by calling me insecure, childish, suspicious etc. He also 'likes' nearly all of their profile pictures.

 

I am totally open to the idea that it is my insecurities that are causing me to be upset, and would love to know what other people think?

 

Viv

[movingon12]

It's quite possible that it's entirely innocent and he just likes having single female friends. Some guys are like that, and it doesn't mean they'll cheat.

 

But guys like that need girlfriends who don't mind if they have lots of single female friends. And it doesn't sound like you're that kind of girlfriend (I'm not either, so I'm not judging you).

 

He hasn't actually done anything wrong (that you know of) but if the way he likes to socialise makes you uncomfortable you've either got to a) learn to live with it or b) break up. I don't think it's realistic to expect him to change his behaviour when he clearly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

[LostOne1]

It's quite possible that it's entirely innocent and he just likes having single female friends. Some guys are like that, and it doesn't mean they'll cheat.

 

But guys like that need girlfriends who don't mind if they have lots of single female friends. And it doesn't sound like you're that kind of girlfriend (I'm not either, so I'm not judging you).

 

He hasn't actually done anything wrong (that you know of) but if the way he likes to socialise makes you uncomfortable you've either got to a) learn to live with it or b) break up. I don't think it's realistic to expect him to change his behaviour when he clearly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

 

I had this problem too. I have lots of girls on my FB. I don't date them or anything, but I like having friends and meeting new people. Doesn't mean I would cheat on my girl ever. My ex must be insecure, because she always went off on me if I posted happy bday or something on another girls profile.

 

It was annoying, because some friends I had that are girls were scared of tlaking to me, because my ex would fight with me always or bitch them out.

[Viv]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your replies, I agree that I either need to be OK with it or leave. I told him a few times that I think we just have different ideas of what is acceptable and should probably end it, because it will cause problems in the future. Everytime he talked me out of it, apart from the last where I think he has had enough. I never wanted it to end badly and I really didn't want to become that possesive gf.

 

The thing is I'm generally OK with my bf having female friends. My last one's best friend was a girl and it didn't bother me at all. It's the online aspect I don't like, they haven't bonded at work or gone to school together, they've liked how each other look in their profile pictures. Plus online relationships can become so intimate without people planning on it. I don't like the thought of him spending time writing to other women. He doesn't understand why I'm bothered because they are in different countries and will probably never meet. He said that he's spoken to his friends about it and no one can see why I have a problem. Am I overthinking it?

 

Ughhh I hate having these doubts, whether it means I do have a real problem with jealousy/insecurity. But I really do think that I could meet a guy who doesn't think it's OK to make online relationships with the opposite sex either?

 

Another issue is that he only has two pictures up of himself, one from over 20 years ago, and one from over 10, like he is pretending to be younger than he is?

Edited November 18, 2012 by Viv

[threebyfate]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your replies, I agree that I either need to be OK with it or leave. I told him a few times that I think we just have different ideas of what is acceptable and should probably end it, because it will cause problems in the future. Everytime he talked me out of it, apart from the last where I think he has had enough. I never wanted it to end badly and I really didn't want to become that possesive gf.

 

The thing is I'm generally OK with my bf having female friends. My last one's best friend was a girl and it didn't bother me at all. It's the online aspect I don't like, they haven't bonded at work or gone to school together, they've liked how each other look in their profile pictures. Plus online relationships can become so intimate without people planning on it. I don't like the thought of him spending time writing to other women. He doesn't understand why I'm bothered because they are in different countries and will probably never meet. He said that he's spoken to his friends about it and no one can see why I have a problem. Am I overthinking it?

 

Ughhh I hate having these doubts, whether it means I do have a real problem with jealousy/insecurity. But I really do think that I could meet a guy who doesn't think it's OK to make online relationships with the opposite sex either?

 

Another issue is that he only has two pictures up of himself, one from over 20 years ago, and one from over 10, like he is pretending to be younger than he is?

I wasn't going to respond to your thread until this post.

 

So you don't show a pattern of jealousy for female friends where this guy's liking all the younger girls pics and is misrepresenting himself online.

 

Do these girls know he's got a girlfriend?

[movingon12]

I met my first husband online. He cheated on me with a woman he met online. My sister met her husband online. You're right: it's very easy to get 'intimate' with someone online even if you don't intend to. Doesn't mean it will happen with him, but it definitely does happen with some people, so you're not being crazy to wonder 'what if', especially if you've had a bad experience in the past.

 

Yes - you can definitely find someone who isn't interested in online friendships with unknown women, and it sounds like that's what you need.

[Viv]

Hi Movingon, thanks for the reply, Im sorry to hear what you've been through. This is my first relationship since my divorce, which is why I think I'm questioning myself so much right now. Yes i'm not convinced he's actually doing anything wrong right now, but the fact that he doesn't seem to think there needs to be boundaries around online behaviour worries me for the future.

 

@ threebyfate, we've just started being together, so even though he calls me his girlfriend i wouldn't expect it to be on his page. But no there is no way anyone would know because the only information about him is those two old photos, he doesn't have any others up at all, and doesn't let people tag him in any. I thought it was because he is quite insecure about how he looks at the moment. I'm about 10 years younger than him, and all his past gfs have been much younger than me.

[threebyfate]

So you don't show a pattern of jealousy for female friends where this guy's liking all the younger girls pics and is misrepresenting himself online, where no one knows he's not single and where he doesn't believe in boundaries for online behaviour. He also has a youth fetish and is insecure about his current age and how he looks.

 

Does it help when I summarize it like this?

[Viv]

Mmm yes

 

Honestly I've written all this down before in a diary (not so well or so bluntly) but he is so convincing when I speak to him of what a good guy he is and how my insecurities are going to stop me from being happy and us have something wonderful, that I seriously doubt myself, it's driving me crazy.

[threebyfate]

Have you ever seen the movie "Gaslighting", where Charles Boyer tries to convince Ingrid Bergman (wife) that she's crazy by doing freaky things and then denying they ever happened?

 

This term has now become idiomatic, to describe the way cheaters act, when caught or suspected of cheating by their partners.

[Viv]

Yes I've heard of the term, even wondered if that's what was happening but sometimes it takes someone else to really point it out. A couple of my friends advised ending it but seeing it in black and white makes it clearer. If he doesn't finish it next time we talk, I have to and this time I'm going to avoid explaining why because I don't want to be talked around or made to feel like I'm seriously messed up. It's hard because he's the first man I've really liked since my ex, but I guess it just shows that I've still got some work to do before I start liking the right people.

[threebyfate]

One thing I should clarify is that while this man might not be cheating, he's one of those men who crave external female validation enough that he's a prime candidate for cheating.

 

But yes, I understand what you mean about trust issues. The ex-husband also cheated on me where it took time to overcome my own trust issues. Those issues surrounded my inability to trust my own judgement about people.

 

Funnily enough, I too got involved with someone who was similar to your guy where my gut instincts kept a low lying buzz of warning but I couldn't quite pin it down. When I finally figured it out, it gave me a boost of confidence that once more, I could anchor to those gut instincts since even with the ex-husband, I didn't like him when first met, where he pursued me for two years until I finally agreed to date him.

 

So, trust the warning you've been getting from your gut instincts. If it's buzzing, stop, look and listen. An explanation will be forthcoming after your mind has sifted through the fog.

[Viv]

So I just finished it by email, would have rather done it on the phone or skype but he usually only wants to communicate by email. I told him it was because he hadn't got back to me for a while with no explanation, whereas before I would hear from him a few times a day. It just wasn't worth saying anything else.

 

@threebyfate Hi, yes I told him a while ago that it seemed like he needed alot of attention from women and he just laughed.

 

I was wondering if you think you've become better at trusting your judgement now, and is it just practice? I had a bad feeling about him really on, but had no way of knowing if it was fear of a relationship or something more. And I think that I let it go on for too long because I wanted to avoid feeling sad again. I feel really depressed now, and I know it's not because of him but more the possibility of finding someone that I might have a connection with and feeling happy again with someone is gone...again.

 

Oh well I really hope that an explanation will be forthcoming for sure, later down the road