I eneded my 4 week relationship...but feeling guilty....looking for support/advice

[Sweets1919]

Hi all,

 

I met a guy via internet chatting in mid June and we started seeing each other at the end of June. I told him I didn't want to rush into being a "couple" until I knew him more. Two days later he asked me to be his girlfriend b/c he coudn't wait for me to ask him. It was at the end of a fun day and I didn't want to say "no" (seeing we'd spent a week hanging out every day) so I agreed.

 

During the first couple weeks he sent me thoughtful text messages a lot, bought me some flowers and we spent a lot of evenings at my place watching movies and TV (he often worked until 11pm and then came over).

 

Since that time I have come to recognize many things that concern me and I came to see that it is too much for me to deal with..especially in such a new relationship:

 

-2 days after we started going out, he told me that he is bulimic and has been for 6 years. He said he'd go to counselling if he had to if I was going to leave him b/c of it.

-He is on anti-depressants that he takes when he feels anxious

-He takes a sleeping pill every night for the last 5 years b/c he has nightmares and insomnia. I asked him when he plans on getting off them and he said never, that he will probably take them forever.

-He has poor relations with his sister and brother in law...when they do not help him as he expects (i.e. drive him somewhere)....he swears about them and says that his sister is a bitch who only thinks of herself.

-he has flashbacks of being sexually abused as a child but says he has never sought counselling and doesn't plan to because he figures there is no point now.

-He complains incessantly about his day, swears a lot about it....he has yet to be happy, cheerful and optimistic.

-After 2 weeks he told me that he loves me

-He rarely inquires about my day and really doesn't show interest in how I have spent my time.

 

To be fair, he is 29 years old, he has a job and he has a vehicle. He shares an apartment with his sister and her boyfriend. He is continuing his education.

 

I am 30 and live in my own home and have secure employment. I am self sufficient, but I still want someone who seems to be interested in me and who is interested in giving as much as they get.

 

Tonight I broke up with him and he told me that I "don't know a good thing when I see it". I think that I have actually made a good decision by ending this relationship early when I recognize these concerning things. I have been through relationships before where I go on a "rescue mission" ....thinking the guy will change and/or mature. The fact is that I am not getting my needs met and I don't feel butterflies or the excitement I want in a new relationship. There is a part of me that feels a bit guilty and I know he is hurt...but I really think he needs to spend time healing himself and dealing with the issues that are in his life (whether he is aware of them at this point I'm unsure).

 

Any ideas or advice or comments would be most appreciated....

Thank you!!

[overseas2004]

What is there to give advice about? You have reacted in a mature and adult manner. You are completely right for wanting a parnter over wanting another project.

 

You get the KUDOS to YOU award ... good job getting rid of bad rubbish....

 

By the way... you are right he wont change.

[KaiaMahina]

Sweets, do you know how many women literally waste years of their lives with men like this?! You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. No one's perfect, but this guy is a train wreck and he's obviously happier complaining and blaming others than actively pursuing a positive outlook and constructive help for his problems.

 

I had a similar situation...a very needy guy with very little patience, and some emotional problems (including childhood sexual abuse). We went out on one date, at the end of which he told me he could fall in love with me and wanted us to be exclusive! One date, mind you!

 

The next day he asked me for my home phone number and I refused. Felt creepy about him having access to my home number. Didn't want this guy "owning" me this quickly. He became absolutely enraged and wrote me a nasty email accusing me of being emotionally unstable (!!!) and "afraid of commitment". He "dumped" me (if you can indeed be dumped after one date) and I never heard from him again.

 

He did his best to make me feel as though there was something wrong with me, and laid the blame for our "failed relationship" on my doorstep! This guy is doing the same thing to you, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! You have a stable, self-sufficient life which you've built and you have the perfect right to expect a partner on the same level.

 

I think that you'll know a good thing when you see one, you just didn't see it in him. And you were right. Don't feel badly for one more moment and steer clear of this guy if he's continuing to contact you.

 

You did good!!!!

[Sweets1919]

Thank you for your replies and encouragement. He sent me a long email this morning....some of it being confused as to how I could end things so quickly...some angry saying I am missing out on a great person (him!)....some of it upset that I didn't talk to him about what was bothering me and instead just broke up with him.

 

 

He hasn't called me and part of me does want to have a mature converstion explaining why I decided to break it off(because I do have reasons...though last night I just told him it was because of "stuff" and me not feeling happy or that it was going to work out). I called him tonight and left a message, but no word from him yet.

 

 

I know I have been called picky in the past and on this board I was called "snobby" for reasons I broke up with a guy....so again I'm thinking "did i write him off too quickly??" "should I have talked to him about all these things that bothered me and tried to work it out?" The fact is that I don't really have any feelings for him...no butterflies, excitement or passion. We hung out, we kissed, he slept over a lot and we made out. We never had sex and we never really got to know each other as friends. After he confided all of his personal info on day 2, he pretty much kept quiet about himself.

 

***Here are a few other things he did which ticked me off....

 

-one night he was over after work having a shower. I made myself waffles for a snack b/c I was hungry (10pm)...the next day he told me I was inconsiderate b/c I didn't make him any (though after he got downstairs from showering and asked where his waffles were, I said he was welcome to make some)

 

-one night he had a sore back and i rubbed it for him. the next day i said i would rub it again that night, but we ended up being out all day and got to my house at 11pm, ate and I could barely keep my eyes open by midnight and i told him i probably wouldn't be able to give him a back rub. the next day he told me he was disappointed and upset that i didn't do what I said and let him down b/c i didn't rub his back and that i just fell asleep....

 

- Two weeks later (this past monday) he told me that we have been together for 3 weeks and that I have yet to give him a "rub down"{this seems to mean a "total massage"...me with full devotion to laying him on his stomach and just massaging him all over}...i told him that I have rubbed his back and he said "yes, but you won't give me a rub down...what's your hang up"....when I told him I have been tired (esp. seeing he doesn't even get over here till 11:30pm)....he said that being tired is no excuse and that he is affectionate with me when he is tired so that is no reason.

 

-this week i followed him to drop off his vehicle to get fixed and then drove him home in the AM then picked him up from work at 11pm and then drove him to work the next morning at 7:30am before i went to work. Last night in our call before I told him i wanted to break up, i asked him if he thought things were going well. He told me that I made him feel like crap when I drove him to and from work (supposedly I am "not subtle at all when I am making someone feel like a pain in the ass")....however I really don't know how i did that...I didn't make any comments about being mad or inconvenienced...I was there to pick him up on time and everything....left home 45 min early in the morning so he was on time...Maybe I wasn't totally talkative (it was either very late or early)...and of course I wasn't raving about how thrilled i was to be out taxi-ing him around...but I didn't say one negative thing...I may have been neutral if anything...He said I wasn't cheerful about it and that I MADE him feel like crap....meanwhile it was during these drives that he just bit**ed about his day and never asked me about mine...

 

 

I guess I'm just feeling guilty about how I ended things. I know it could have been done better (it ended up being over the phone)....I think that by the time I thought about things for a few days I had just got to the point that I had to do it (and not wait till I'd see him next which would have been at least 3 days). I know I would have handled things a bit more maturely if it had been a bf of even 4 months...vs. the 4 weeks.

 

From the sound of the two replies I got earlier, I did the right thing by reading the "flags" and being aware of the concerns I had. Any other thoughts on this would be great. I love the feedback the readers of this forum offer...thank you!

[KaiaMahina]

Hmmm! I'm actually surprised you're still in contact with him. I would have deleted his email and not phoned him. You made a decision that it's over, and it seems like the right one. So what's the problem?

 

If you want to vent about the lousy, selfish, ungrateful attitude he displayed toward you, let it all out! He is morbidly self-absorbed with a big old sense of entitlement the size of the Empire State Building. You're supposed to be cheerful when doing things for him? In other words, you're not supposed to feel the way you feel, you're supposed to feel the way he WANTS you to feel to please HIM. And you're thinking of having a "mature discussion" with this overgrown infant? All you'll get is more blame, censure, pouty insults and illogical, irrational bulls**t!

 

You don't need to justify what you've done. He's smelled out a "victim" in you already. He sees that you're a compassionate and empathetic person and he'll milk it for all it's worth if you don't scrape him off like the emotional leech that he is. You're not "snobby" for rejecting (yes, use the word REJECTING, there's nothing wrong with it) a potential partner who is badly damaged and has no good in store for you. Would you be considered "snobby" if you rejected Hitler because he had some "personality disorders"?

 

Now he's trying to entice you back by telling you what a great guy you're "missing out on." Well, it seems to me that if he was such a great guy, you wouldn't be missing out on him because you wouldn't have rejected him! But such plain logic obviously escapes him.

 

Do yourself a favor. B**ch all you like about him. That's what this place is designed for. But block his emails, don't take his calls and do not contact him for any reason. You're well out of this mess and if it bothers you that dumped him via phone (which, honestly, I agree was not the way to do it), then get over it by determining that the next time you have to reject someone, you'll do it in person. And don't let his poor opinion of you phase you one bit. His opinion doesn't mean a thing.

 

Hope this helps in some way.

[Sweets1919]

Thanks for your positive words! I guess I just wanted to hear it from someone else too that I made a good decision. You're right that the wanted me to feel how he wanted me to. Another example is that the one day he bought me flowers he came to my house and "suprised me" with them ....he had layed them on the kitchen table wrapped in the paper the store puts around them. We were supposedly going to his parents' house later and I didn't want to assume they were for me (I had walked in and said "heyyy!"...indicating I saw something exciting and he responded with "what?"...so i said "oh, nothing"....thinking if they WERE for me he would have maybe handed them to me or indicated they were for me) I thought for all I know they were for his mom or something.

 

So when we were about to go out I finally said "are those flowers laying on the table for me?" and he said "yes"

 

So i said "oh they are really nice! Thank you!" and put them in a nice vase and arranged them and thanked him again. Later that day we were out and I thanked him again...telling him it was thoughtful and that they are really nice. He said that he didn't really like my reaction to the flowers and was disappointed that I just said "thanks"...he said he wanted more of a reaction b/c i didn't seem appreciative.

 

He said he wanted me to get excited and I got the feeling he would have liked me to "freak out" like I just won the lottery or something. He said "I'll just have to remember that next time I get you flowers that you aren't going to show much of a reaction"

 

That's just the type of person I am...I am not overly exhuberant about a lot of things...but i thought saying "thank you" and expressing my appreciation was good enough... but apparently not for him

 

*** I seemingly can't chauffeur him around OR accept flowers with the right displays of emotion!!!

 

Like my friend said....they were flowers he gave you....not diamonds!!! haha

 

Thanks,

 

Sweets1919

[loveinasia]

You are ABSOLUTELY right to leave this person.. This has all the classic signs of an abuser. These people are master manipulators, and they use their background (and perhaps even lie about it) as an excuse for their behavior. And they use guilt and give you false impressions of "hope" to keep you hooked in.

 

LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP NOW.. Break off all contact, and my suggestion is that you read up on emotional abuse.. It only gets worse, not better.

[Velveteel]

I think it's interesting that you bring this problem to the board because, like the other posters, I'm convinced you did exactly the right thing. You ended a relationship that didn't show promise or make you happy. Your doubts now--wishing you could explain yourself, etc.--come about because you're trying to grow and mature. You want to make sense of your life and your decisions, and you think it would be ideal if you could talk them through a little with the person you know you've hurt.

 

But this guy is not mature enough to handle that conversation. Let him blame you. Walk away. It's just a few weeks out of both your lives, and you've actually shown considerable strength of character in not dragging this out "for his sake" or because he needs rescuing.

 

I don't know whether he's a future abuser. I do know that three or four weeks into a relationship, when people are still getting to know each other, he should be pleased and grateful that you'd do favors for him like take him to work, not resentful because you don't look happy enough about it. He should feel touched that you would take on a domestic chore like this. He should feel delighted to use your shower, frankly--it shows trust, and it's somewhat erotic--not pouty that you didn't make him waffles!

[Sweets1919]

Thank you Velveteel. I appreciate the comments you wrote to me. I have spoken to the guy today and yesterday on msn. He was looking for reasons and today I laid it all out for him. Basically two things: my concerns for all of his issues (and his lack of seeking help for them )....he then told me that it was my "job as his girlfriend" to be "intrusive" and get him to get the help.....I told him that those things were not my "job"...they are his as he needs to take care of himself. (He also said he would have "nagged the hell out of me if the tables were turned"....great!!!!) haha

 

I also told him that I wasnt' "running away" from him when I found out he had an eating disorder (as he said I did). He said that it should be seen like any other illness that is out of his control (he said like "MS" or cancer)....I then told him that in that case, he should be getting medical help for it like someone would for "any other illness". I told him that I was choosing not to pursue a relationship after discovering these issues, that I saw them as more of a problem than he did and because I didn't have strong passionate feelings for him. I told him that during the 4 weeks we met, i felt attraction, we got to know each other and i decided it would not work long term. End of story.

 

He seemed to accept that explanation.

 

Velveteel, thanks for your comments about how he should have appreciated my driving him around and letting him use my shower...esp. after only a couple of weeks. You made some excellent points. Thanks also for the congrats about getting out of this relationship that was going nowhere for me!!!

 

Sweets1919