tigerlilly2004 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 How many of you married folks have a "one who got away" that you can't get out of your head? How do you get over this? Do you ever forget him or her? When is it a problem? Mine I haven't seen in five years and I'm still constantly looking for him. I feel a need to know where he lives, if he's married or engaged. The thought of him living far away really bothers me and I'm dying to see him one more time. Of course, I'm married to an awesome guy that I could never hurt but..... I can't forget the one I let go. To make matter more confusing, when I met my husband I said to myself, "This is the guy I'm meant to marry for better or worse." I just knew. I fought it somewhat because I was in love with my commitment-phobic "one who got away" that I was casually dating at the time. But my husband and I got engaged in 1 month. Married a year and a half later. His quick proposal lead me to make a rash decision and I had to end things with my "one who got away sooner than I would have liked. So I chose my husband because I couldn't imagine hurting him, and plenty other reasons, but somehow I managed to curse myself with a lifetime of "What ifs". Is that unselfish love or stupidity on my part? Anyone else out there experience this? It's so frustrating!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Sorry, I haven't been in your situation, but I tend to read all the posts in here. ( My job is very boring this time of year. ) It's sad to see that you, "Settled", for the husband you have now. But here's the thing that I gathered: Of course, I'm married to an awesome guy that I could never hurt but..... When you say this, keep in mind, how would he feel if he knew how you felt towards the one that got away? It would hurt me terribly to find out I was my wife's second choice and that she's kicking herself for not opening door number 1. You are married to choice number 2 now. You need to let number 1 go, and honor the vows you made to put your HUSBAND FIRST. Is that unselfish love or stupidity on my part? Anyone else out there experience this? It's so frustrating!! I think it's more selfish than unselfish. You're more concerned about the one that got away than you are about how your husband would feel if he knew. Stupidity? I wouldn't say that. I would say more confused than anything. Honor your vows and let the one who got away, go away. Moose Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I'm not married but I had a similar case. I was with my bf (ex now but not the point) and I kept thinking about the one that got away. We were on and off for 3 years and it took me a while to get over him and I really never did. Well I ended what I had with him for my bf and I still thought about him constantly. I had to know who he was with, was he happy, what he was wearing..lol.. Well, I ran into him after about 2 years and after I saw him and saw my bf I knew why he was the one that got away. I had grown and matured since I'd seen him and After seeing him I realized he really wasn't for me and my bf was. After that he wasn't the one that got away anymore. I think your with your husband for a reason and you should appreciate him and love him. You made your vows to him and not the one that got away. I still think it's healthy though to reminisce on old flames and as long as you don't go find them and cheat your ok. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Ex's are ex's for a reason, and when you don't have contact with them, sometimes you have a tendency to just remember the good times and romantize the past. Try not to do that, since it only hinders what you have with the person you are with. You just have to resort to the fact that 'Everything happens for a reason' and there was a reason why you two split up. Link to post Share on other sites
rachelcarney Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 My situation is very similar to yours, down to the 5 years separation. I guess I've just taken it a step further by talking to my husband about it and now emailing the ex, you can read about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44547/ If you'd like to talk, feel free to PM me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigerlilly2004 Posted August 6, 2004 Author Share Posted August 6, 2004 I appreciate your stories Eternally Confused and RachelCarney. I think it's a woman thing...not to scare the guys out there. I find the more I talk to friends about it, the more women I discover that also have a "one that got away". Funny enough, my friends that didn't are the ones that got divorced and the ones that do are still happily married. Probably just coincidence. I do mean happily because you can be have a happy, healthy marriage and still have a "one that got away". My husband kind of knows about my infatuation because he jokes with me about it and reminds me that my "one that got away" wouldn't have let me go if he shared the same feelings for me that I had for him. He's right. We have a very open relationship because we trust each other and know that we would never hurt the other person. My husband does come first. At the time, I gave up the other guy to be with my husband, not because he was second runner up...because we had something special I could never find with another guy. It's just hard to remember that sometimes after being married for awhile. My problem isn't that my husband is the second runner up, it's that there is still a second runner up that I can't seem to give up. Letting go is sometimes easier said than done. RachelCarney I can't believe how similar our stories are. I think the fact that we Can talk to our husbands about it and they're cool about it is one of the reasons we chose the men we did in the first place. I tried to PM you but the system wouldn't let me. Have you activated your private messaging? Would love to chat. Link to post Share on other sites
rachelcarney Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 Hi, I got a PM today, so I'm pretty sure you can PM me. I tried to PM you and wasn't allowed, though. I think it's because you registered so recently. I couldn't PM my first day, either. Maybe try again in a day or two? Or check your settings? Or if that doesn't work, ask a moderator. Talk to you soon, I hope. Link to post Share on other sites
lovnhim Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Yes, I have the exact same situation. I'm embarrassed to say how many years it's been, and yes it IS stupid, because I'm pretty sure he's not thinking about me every single day. I've been looking for the answers to your questions for years, and I haven't found them. I've tried to reason my way out of it, pray my way out of it, look him up on the internet and hope to find out I wouldn't even like him if I met him today... nothing has worked. My husband does know about my infatuation, but only because he went hunting far and wide and read back a year's worth of a blog I kept on the internet. He, of course, was very upset. The extreme drawback in our marriage (from my perspective) is that he can conveniently blame our marital problems on my infatuation with this guy, and thus excuse himself from any responsibility or need to make changes. We had a very serious problem early in our marriage that has been pushed under the rug. Our mode of dealing with things has become, by necessity, ignoring them. When I tell him things he does that upset me, nothing ever changes. We are almost certainly headed towards a divorce because of things BETWEEN US, but he is wrapped safe in the knowledge that when we're heading towards divorce, he can believe he's the innocent victim and convince himself the divorce is all about my infatuation with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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