gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 I cheated on my bf with my ex. My ex was a jerk and abusive and I was addicted to the sex. I'm over it now... and I want to win back the bf... I lied, and cheated and did everything wrong. my actions have been completely and totally wrong and I'm beyond remorseful. My ex revealed the cheating to my current bf on Monday, and since then he has gone from not talking to me, literally refusing to respond to text or call or even open his door to me. To having two sit down conversations with me. He keeps saying he needs to be alone to figure out what he wants... that he doesn't know what that means for us in the future. But I feel hopeful because he's gone from not talking to me to at least being open to discussion. Earlier today I asked him to try to remember the good as he was thinking about what to do... I see the good... everytime we meet face to face he gets soft and sort of melts for a while and then he steadies himself and tells me no he doesn't want to get back together... I think he feels like WE SHOULD be over, but he still has really strong feelings for me... I don't want us to be over... so earlier today he said he'll always remember the good but he'll also always remember the bad... I told him that I couldn't change the past but that I knew that as we moved forward the good would far outweigh the bad... and if he didn't forget the bad I was willing to do the hard work to make the good so much greater... I've agreed to give him some time to think about it, and he's agreed to have a sit down discussion after Thanksgiving about it. In the meantime we're texting... but not a lot... I'm not begging anymore like I was earlier this week. I've decided to only text him once or so a day and just to remind me of the good things. I know everyone is telling him to be done with me, we're in grad school and everyone in our class is taking his side and being cruel to me... which is fine I made a bad moral choice... plus I think the meaner they are to me, and the better I handle it the more he feels sympathy for me.... So what do I do... what do I say... if you've ever taken back a cheater what persuaded you... I know now what a great guy I've pushed away... how do I get him back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Update... His Gchat status said "brand new day" after everything happened... I told him I hated that status... because it sounded like he was already moving on... I told him that two or three days ago... today I log into gmail/gchat to check my email and see that he has changed the status... Obviously he's considering my feelings... that has to mean something right? Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 If I was him, I wouldn't consider your feelings and end it with you. He isn't a man if he allows his girlfriend to cheat on him and continues the relationship. Tell him to find his balls and break up with you, honestly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 It's not about finding his balls... he could easily break up with me... he shut me out completely at the beginning and I know I was completely wrong... but you don't think its ever worth fixing? anyone else? Please someone weigh in here... I'd love to repair this, and right now I'm waiting and hoping that he'll make up his mind to do so... I'm looking for any sign... anyone have anything to say? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Why'd you even cheat on your BF? Because your ex was better in bed? Do you expect any guy to accept that reason and take you back? Link to post Share on other sites
scarlet.vixn Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 You're probably going to catch a lot of flack for the affair from people here but I'm not going to judge, instead I want to help you move forward if I can. I hope my advice is good for you. First thing you need to do is forgive yourself for what you did. Don't gravel for the past but rise to be better in the future. Also, no ammount of I'm sorrys will fix the pain or the trust issues, the only thing that can do that is time and a lot of soul searching. Secondly examine why you cheated. You said you were addicted to the sex and then you said you were over it, but are you truely over it or are you simply experiencing the burn of being caught? You need to know exactly why you went back to your ex, why you even had contact with him if he was abusive, what damage has that done to you psychologically that you may have felt you had less control. You need to deal with all of these things before you think about getting your boyfriend back. After you find out what it is that caused the affair work on rebuilding that area of your life. If it was insecurities or what. Cement that nothing like this will ever happen again with anyone ever again. I'm saying all of this not so you can get your boyfriend back, but rather so you can get your self respect back, which is the first step in getting your boyfriend back. You've tried being remorseful and it didn't work, mostly because like I said, saying I'm sorry doesn't fix anything, only true change can help you get back what you lost, and even then sometimes it's not enough, but at least you can move on and possibly find someone else in the future. You need to under go a change, truly try to fix mentally why you cheated. When you do talk to him this Thanksgiving, after you've done that soul searching explain that you want to be with him, you love him, but at the same time you messed up and you're in the process of figuring out how you could have sabotaged something you valued so much. Tell him that you want him in your life but you understand that trust needs to be built, and even more importantly you need time to fix the root of the problem to make sure it never happens again. Tell him that while he might not think you deserve it to give you time as well and stand beside you but you absolutely understand if he can't do that right now. Let him know that whether he takes you back or not that you're going to change, that you are changing, and that the woman that will come out of all this mess will be stronger, better, and beautiful, and should she be lucky enough to have a second chance she will make sure that he never regrets it. I don't know if he'll take you back or not. Cheating is a big thing and a big deal breaker for most people. If I was giving him advice I'd tell him to think if he could ever let it go and forgive you and trust you again, things that you need to do yourself. Good luck, not necessarily with the boyfriend, but in picking up the pieces from here on out, it's a grueling road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Why'd you even cheat on your BF? Because your ex was better in bed? Do you expect any guy to accept that reason and take you back? There's never any good reason or excuse to cheat... yes some of it was the sex... and there's an aspect of abusive relationships that are literally addicting.. it's a thing, it exists I'm not making it up to excuse my bad behavior... what I did was absolutely completely wrong... I'm not expecting anything... just hoping and begging and pleading... Listen I know what I did was completely terribly inexcusably wrong... I know it was... please don't keep telling me how badly I messed up I know I did... I'm just wondering if there's any way at all I can fix this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Dazed_Confused1989 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Two things in this world I can't stand, cheaters and liars. And he shouldn't stand for it either. If he already knows how you feel, you should leave it at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Thank you so much for this... It truly means a lot... and you're right I know I have a lot of work to do... I've started on that process already... I know I kept going back to my ex because the cycle of abuse was addicting. I know I kept going back because although he could destroy my self esteem with one word, he could also send me soaring... and I see now that he knew he could do it and used that often against me. I know I cheated on my bf because after the abusive relationship being alone for any amount of time was painful... to be honest it still is, but in the abusive relationship I found myself alone replaying all the hurt and pain and agony that he caused... replaying every hateful thing he said to me, and believing they were true... so I would go back to the abusive ex hoping he would say something positive so I could have a new soundtrack for a while... I know I'm over it, because I got lost in our little cycle of craziness, but seeing how my abusive ex responded to this situation and how my ex bf responded... seeing how crazy and irrational and hateful my abusive ex was... he didn't care who he hurt, he didn't care what it did to anyone else he just wanted absolute power... the current bf the one I cheated on, has been kind and gracious, and although he's hurting he's never lashed out, or insulted me... he's never crossed the line into abuse... I know I'm over it, because briefly even for a moment I realized how a real man can act... and I got to see outside of the crazy little bubble my abusive ex had created around me. I know I'm over it, because for the first time in months, I don't miss my abusive ex... I haven't even thought of him really, except that I'm sorry that I ever hurt the current bf by going back to the abusive ex.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 uggghhh... I absolutely own that what I did was completely wrong... but really I should just leave it... just walk away and say you know how I feel and you decide... doesn't that seem like quitting... like taking the easy way out... I want to stand and fight and apologize and demonstrate my remorse... not just walk away... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 the way cheaters get their girlfriend or boyfriend to stay is they lie, they say everything they know the partner wants to hear, they beg, they promise it will never happen again, they swear they love you and the list goes on....none of it is truth there are problems that you have you need to address........one is your sex addiction the other is your ex you are still attracted to him so if the situation arose you would probably cheat again.....you should take some time out for yourself maybe get some counseling...cheating on someone is damaging and it is also damaging to you......so take time out forget getting back with your boyfriend give him time to process the choice you made.....so then it is up to him what choice he makes in regards to what you did....there is no swaying or convincing someone you have done the wrong thing too...you made your choice now it is turn to make his....without you having a say......i wish you luck in love.....stay away from your ex......deb Link to post Share on other sites
tori0001 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Yes you can fix it as long as you both are willing to do the work. It's going to have to start with trust, and you being totally remorseful for cheating. You may have a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Yes you can fix it as long as you both are willing to do the work. It's going to have to start with trust, and you being totally remorseful for cheating. You may have a chance. Does it seem like there's any chance he might want to work it out? I don't want to get my hopes up if there's not a chance... but it seems like there's a chance... Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Gotta take sides w/ Dazed_Confused....leave your bf be and go clean up your act. You did him dirty. Caused him much pain and humiliation I'm sure. Now the dirt is stuck on you. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 the way cheaters get their girlfriend or boyfriend to stay is they lie, they say everything they know the partner wants to hear, they beg, they promise it will never happen again, they swear they love you and the list goes on....none of it is truth there are problems that you have you need to address........one is your sex addiction the other is your ex you are still attracted to him so if the situation arose you would probably cheat again.....you should take some time out for yourself maybe get some counseling...cheating on someone is damaging and it is also damaging to you......so take time out forget getting back with your boyfriend give him time to process the choice you made.....so then it is up to him what choice he makes in regards to what you did....there is no swaying or convincing someone you have done the wrong thing too...you made your choice now it is turn to make his....without you having a say......i wish you luck in love.....stay away from your ex......deb Thank you so much for this... It truly means a lot... and you're right I know I have a lot of work to do... I've started on that process already... I know I kept going back to my ex because the cycle of abuse was addicting. I know I kept going back because although he could destroy my self esteem with one word, he could also send me soaring... and I see now that he knew he could do it and used that often against me. I know I cheated on my bf because after the abusive relationship being alone for any amount of time was painful... to be honest it still is, but in the abusive relationship I found myself alone replaying all the hurt and pain and agony that he caused... replaying every hateful thing he said to me, and believing they were true... so I would go back to the abusive ex hoping he would say something positive so I could have a new soundtrack for a while... I know I'm over it, because I got lost in our little cycle of craziness, but seeing how my abusive ex responded to this situation and how my ex bf responded... seeing how crazy and irrational and hateful my abusive ex was... he didn't care who he hurt, he didn't care what it did to anyone else he just wanted absolute power... the current bf the one I cheated on, has been kind and gracious, and although he's hurting he's never lashed out, or insulted me... he's never crossed the line into abuse... I know I'm over it, because briefly even for a moment I realized how a real man can act... and I got to see outside of the crazy little bubble my abusive ex had created around me. I know I'm over it, because for the first time in months, I don't miss my abusive ex... I haven't even thought of him really, except that I'm sorry that I ever hurt the current bf by going back to the abusive ex.... Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 OMG- I had to post one last time to this. You basically said you are using the others in your class being "mean" to you as a way to manipulate "sympathy" for yourself from your bf? You haven't learned a thing from your cheating. He should be done with you. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Two things in this world I can't stand, cheaters and liars. And he shouldn't stand for it either. If he already knows how you feel, you should leave it at that. Agreed. I made the mistake of taking back my cheater. He too cheated with his ex. First of all... you did the single most disrespectful thing anyone can do to their partner. I'm not even going to bother asking why because you have no excuses. At the end of the day, you just wanted to go screw your ex. You weren't caring about your boyfriend while you were doing it. And it's not even like YOU confessed. Your ex told him. I'm sure he did it out of spite, or to ruin the relationship. That's immature of him, but you participated and shouldn't be all that surprised that he came out with it. In my case, when he cheated with his ex, she never told me. I found out a year and a half after it happened because someone else threatened to expose him. I'm going to tell you that the relationship with him was never the same. It was dead and gone, and yours is too. I think cheating with an ex is also worse in the scheme of cheating. When I was dating my bf he would talk so much s.hit about his ex. How he was so much happier with me. She was so boring in bed. So stupid. Didn't love her the way he loved me. Saw a future with me and never one with her... OK so WHY the hell would you cheat on me with her then???? The trust was gone after that. The only reason I stayed with him was because "I loved him." I stupidly believed we would get through it. I can tell you from first hand experience, infidelity ruins everything. I never felt the same for him after that even though I stayed. I hated him. And he saw it. I was always angry, depressed, insecure. The worst mistake I ever made was staying with him after he told me he cheated, and if your "boyfriend" is smart, he'll run the other way. Life is way too short to spend it on people who don't give a s.hit about you. You need to dig deep within yourself to understand why you cheated. That's a problem WITH YOU that shows a clear lack of morals, integrity, and it's a huge character flaw. You're not married to him, you don't have kids with him, if I were talking directly to him I'd tell him that he should thank God that he has none of that with you and he's free to just end it and move on with his life. Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 blah blah blah..all dumb excuses. i'd throw you to the curb. once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. I would not give you the time of day. there would be nothing to talk about. nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 OMG- I had to post one last time to this. You basically said you are using the others in your class being "mean" to you as a way to manipulate "sympathy" for yourself from your bf? You haven't learned a thing from your cheating. He should be done with you. I'm not using them... they're genuinely just being mean.... its actually pretty horrible... however, I think them being mean and me being nice (which is what I would do ANYWAY) is showing him that even though I made a bad decision I'm still a good person... Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 You "now know what a great guy you lost"--- get outta here. You shouldn't need to cheat to find that out. Know what you got, when you got it. Or else you lose it. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlet.vixn Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 That's a good step. Realizing that there's something better out there, realizing that it was your ex's problems that kept him abusive and nothing that you would do. The second step is loving yourself, who you are, even your quirks, all the things your ex would pick on, and making yourself so strong and so in love with yourself that no one can come in and tear you down ever again. You got a taste of what the love of a good man can do, let it be infectious, he saw you as worthy now you need to believe it too. Again what I'm saying isn't necessarily to get your bf back, because I want to be honest when I say that it just might not happen, but I think that most people deserve happiness and just because you made a mistake means you need to keep paying for it, the worse you feel about yourself the more you open yourself up to insecurities and we're right back where we started. Link to post Share on other sites
tori0001 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 There may be, idk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracesf Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 You're not married to him, you don't have kids with him, if I were talking directly to him I'd tell him that he should thank God that he has none of that with you and he's free to just end it and move on with his life. WOW.... that's pretty rough... you don't believe that a good person can make a mistake? I made a series of bad decisions and I regret them... There are people who cheat and they get through it... we have a couple of friends who stayed together after infidelity and they are stronger and better then ever, they weren't married and didn't have kids... Furthermore, I think going out and actively looking for someone to cheat with is worse... its GIGS... I didn't have GIGS I was stuck in this crazy abusive cycle and I am so glad to be out of it now... I won't ever cheat on anyone again... and I'm genuinely sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
dark-07 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 I really feel for you here as I am going through a somewhat similar situation. It is always best to give him his space so that he has enough time to process what has happened and he needs to evaluate it to see if he can live with it (knowing that you were sexual with another man). If you are able to make ammends it will be a very different kind of relationship. I know guys do not like to be bugged, by calling them or texting them. He knows your stance, let it be... Link to post Share on other sites
tori0001 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
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