earlgrey Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Long time lurking, slow to post. I have been married for almost 8 years now, with one child. My wife and I have what I thought to be an unusual relationship until I started reading the boards here. She and I have been living an low-emotional, low-affectionate, rarely-sexual relationship our entire marriage. I married for friendship with potential to really evolve into something stronger in those departments. Now with a two year old who sucks up all my energy and the complete lack of time for each other, our marriage fails to fulfill. The lack of romance/emotional connection is really disintegrating my state of being. I am a pretty passionate person and sex is something I'd like to give and recieve without effort. Women outside my marriage are starting to look appealing, and now I feel guilt. We have never been excellent at communicating our needs, and now after years of dealing with each other, are finally understanding that we need to start back at square one IF we want to save our family. I started seeing a therapist and she is looking for one herself. Shortly we will be in couples therapy. Anyone been through this and actually fixed things up? I guess I am looking for a success story. Earl
tojaz Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 (edited) Welcome to LS earlgrey (which is sounding pretty good on this cold night). Yes there are success stories to be found, unfortunately I cannot count myself among the type your looking for. Most threads that end like that fizzle out before the happy ending comes around. There have been a few I was lucky enough to witness off of the forum, but they never returned to post the good news. I will say that it sounds like you both are off to a great start and thats a refreshing change of pace around here. I wish you a lot of luck and hope you continue posting. With any luck, next time someone asks for a success story, I will know where to direct them. TOJAZ Edited November 18, 2012 by tojaz
aMguilts Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Long time lurking, slow to post. I have been married for almost 8 years now, with one child. My wife and I have what I thought to be an unusual relationship until I started reading the boards here. She and I have been living an low-emotional, low-affectionate, rarely-sexual relationship our entire marriage. I married for friendship with potential to really evolve into something stronger in those departments. Now with a two year old who sucks up all my energy and the complete lack of time for each other, our marriage fails to fulfill. The lack of romance/emotional connection is really disintegrating my state of being. I am a pretty passionate person and sex is something I'd like to give and recieve without effort. Women outside my marriage are starting to look appealing, and now I feel guilt. We have never been excellent at communicating our needs, and now after years of dealing with each other, are finally understanding that we need to start back at square one IF we want to save our family. I started seeing a therapist and she is looking for one herself. Shortly we will be in couples therapy. Anyone been through this and actually fixed things up? I guess I am looking for a success story. Earl hiya earlgrey looking for a sucess story? I`m not being harsh so please forgive me if it comes across that way. You said.. "I married for friendship with potential to really evolve into something stronger in those departments. " and .." We have never been excellent at communicating our needs, and now after years of dealing with each other, are finally understanding that we need to start back at square one IF we want to save our family. " Going back to square one would be what? Being `friends again`? and then seeing if you work out again? Do you love her? Would you die for her? Is she on your mind from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep, and even then you dream about her? No to any of them questions then i`m afraid it not worth `going back to square one`. How does she feel about all this? Hugs aM
Author earlgrey Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Do you love her? Would you die for her? Is she on your mind from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep, and even then you dream about her? No to any of them questions then i`m afraid it not worth `going back to square one`. No offense taken here. These are the reasons I said unusual in the first post. It's just not as cut and dry as you describe. I wish it were believe me. We wax and wane in the friendship department. I wish I lived the ideal version of the "love" you so describe. Not so. In fact, I don't believe anyone does. EVER. There are compromises in all things we do and love. Am I being realistic about going back to square one? Time will tell...
Enema Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Divorced guy here. I didn't make the mistake of having kids so it made it a lot easier. All I can say is - you only get one round at life, make yourself as happy as possible. Right now, you're not happy.
Author earlgrey Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I have been living in cloudy, grey, coffee addicted Seattle, so "happy" is relative at best. We had a great conversation last night that clearly spelled out my unhappiness. It even went so far as to theorize what baggage we both brought to our initial meeting that we didn't acknowledge then, and are now just discovering. It's weird though. Connecting to our past and talking through our feelings made me feel better, but the issues are still present. Emotionally I am in a better place, and logically still the same. What a mind-F^&^K. First session in Individual Counseling yesterday morning. It was SO nice. Because we had a previous therapy relationship we dove in quite deep right from the beginning. If you have not started therapy, DO IT! Next steps are couples therapy. That's the scary part for me. Am I afraid they are going to pass judgement? Afraid of what might come up? Afraid to do the work?
aMguilts Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 hey earlgrey I don`t know what to say to you that you haven`t already heard and are probably tired of hearing? I get the feeling you are holding back on something? "Am I afraid they are going to pass judgement? Afraid of what might come up? Afraid to do the work?" You know what? I promise i will never judge you. aM
tojaz Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Next steps are couples therapy. That's the scary part for me. Am I afraid they are going to pass judgement? Afraid of what might come up? Afraid to do the work? Your probably afraid of all of the above, thats the case for most people though so I wouldn't sweat it. If you feel your counselor is passing judgment on either of you, look for another counselor. Otherwise, treat it just like IC and just be as honest and forthcoming as you can... and whatever does come out that you don't like, both of you need to try your best to leave it in the room until the next session. (Thats harder then it sounds) TOJAZ 2
Author earlgrey Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 I do appreciate all of your advice. It's another great outlet. The last few days have been ridiculous. The amount of over thinking on my part is truly astounding. I've been going all the way back to my dating years and re-examining the good and the bad. It's been horrible really. I've basically come the conclusion that I don't really know how to love someone... The mess I am currently in is my fault completely. I put up walls right from the beginning and never really learned how to love my wife, just like all those past relationships. Even the good ones. It all seems to have started when our sex life didn't "take-off" like I had hoped. Keyword "I". Initial disappointment lead to complacency. Now I am nine years in and wondering if I can fix this. Hard to breathe right now... EG
aMguilts Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 I do appreciate all of your advice. It's another great outlet. The last few days have been ridiculous. The amount of over thinking on my part is truly astounding. I've been going all the way back to my dating years and re-examining the good and the bad. It's been horrible really. I've basically come the conclusion that I don't really know how to love someone... The mess I am currently in is my fault completely. I put up walls right from the beginning and never really learned how to love my wife, just like all those past relationships. Even the good ones. It all seems to have started when our sex life didn't "take-off" like I had hoped. Keyword "I". Initial disappointment lead to complacency. Now I am nine years in and wondering if I can fix this. Hard to breathe right now... EG earlgrey hi The biggest step you have already overcome. anything is `fixable`. Its something else to say it`s all your fault thou. Who`s to blame is not the point. What you do about it is. What are you doing to move forward? aM 1
tojaz Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I do appreciate all of your advice. It's another great outlet. The last few days have been ridiculous. The amount of over thinking on my part is truly astounding. I've been going all the way back to my dating years and re-examining the good and the bad. It's been horrible really. I've basically come the conclusion that I don't really know how to love someone... The mess I am currently in is my fault completely. I put up walls right from the beginning and never really learned how to love my wife, just like all those past relationships. Even the good ones. It all seems to have started when our sex life didn't "take-off" like I had hoped. Keyword "I". Initial disappointment lead to complacency. Now I am nine years in and wondering if I can fix this. Hard to breathe right now... EG They call it OVER thinking for a reason Earl, it's easy to look back and find ways to blame yourself for these things. Do it long enough and you can force all the pieces together to point right at you. Doesn't mean thats the whole truth Cut yourself a break, you made mistakes, she made mistakes, we all make mistakes. You did the best that you were capable of at the time. Its good that your looking at these things, but once its in the rear view the emotional beat down that goes along with over analyzing the times you may have fallen short doesn't really help much. Write down your thoughts and share them with your counselor either in IC or if your ready for that, in MC with your wife. A third party that doesn't have all the emotions running through them can help you keep some perspective and point you in a direction that can help you work through what you need to work through. Understanding those moments are good, but its going to be what you do with that knowledge thats going to decide what comes next. TOJAZ
Author earlgrey Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 Still going to IC, no MC yet. Finding a compatible person has taken a bit longer than we'd hoped. The last few weeks have been emotionally much better but only because I've been ignoring the depression. Keeping busy and moving through the really "Great" parts of my life helps keep dark thoughts at bay. I find myself really loving work, my son, and the television (escapism) and ignoring the issues. We have fallen back into complacency which surprisingly was a step up. So, emotionally we are laughing together and doing basically what we've done the last nine years. But, we are not addressing much. MC has got to start soon. My sex drive has really shut down. I don't have much desire to even hold her hand, or hug, or the little things one does to validate. I feel like now I "see" more clearly what that does for her, and what little the return does for me. I feel terribly guilty about this. She is putting up with a lot of rejection from me at present, and with a smile. EG 1
2sunny Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 It may help when you both get honest. It's NOT honest to smile as IF everything. Is ok while feeling rejected. Ask yourself HOW can I make this different than it has EVER been? WHAT IS IT that I CAN DO to CHANGE this? Are you reading any books? Have you read the five love languages? Are YOU willing to CHANGE EVERYTHING to see if the M can be happy? One thing is for sure - stop doing what you've been doing - since THAT obviously hasn't made this a happy M! Do OPPOSITE of what you've been doing! Even IF you don't feel like holding her hand - hold it...to at least see IF you may be able to form a bond that hasn't been there.
aMguilts Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 2sunny`s right. Be more assertive. Be the leader, the `alpha` male. You are tarzan, she is jane, kidda thing, and she how she reacts. Remember how you used to be when you 1st met her? Be that man again. Seems you both got lost along the way, and it happens. It`s good you are keeping busy earlgrey. Keep posting, i wish you well aM
aMguilts Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 btw , I `liked` your last post because even though there was a lot of negativity in it, you said quite a few positive things too, which is good. You seem to be lifted by the postive things and are ignoring the negative? Good job Keep your chin up, you`ll get through this aM
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