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The truth why he left me after four years, should i move on or wait for him?


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Posted

I have come to a crossroad in my life, and need to figure out whether I should just move on because he might also move on, or should I 'wait' for him??? Before you judge, please read what I have to say.

 

Our relationship was pretty 'normal'. No abusive relationship, no children/step-children, drugs, alcohol issues, cheating, wife/husband or anything like that....only one of the worst KILLERS in a relationship. TRUST and JEALOUSY on my part.

 

 

Story:

 

Me 22, Him 33. 18 when we met on NYE. (Romantic ay? Except I lied about my age which is dumb I know)

 

Almost four years together.

 

He broke up with me in a heated argument over the phone on October 27th. I moved out of our flat two weeks ago. LC since only about practical issues and him wishing me a safe flight.

 

 

issues why he broke up

 

We both used to be fun, outgoing, outspoken people hanging with friends and enjoying life. I am from Denmark btw originally, moved to London when I was 17 because I was bullied severely in my town, was abused so had to get away and 'start over'. Fast forward to 2009 after I met him and we start going out, I begin my law studies and start to change. I wanted to act more mature, dress more sophisticated, act like lawyers pretending to be someone different. I started to neglect my friends because I was consumed in our relationship, I started to become controlling.

 

I would have issues with him speaking to his female friends of whom he has known and worked with for 9 years, I would not trust him when he went out (have been cheated and lied to in another relationship), I would be jealous/paranoid of things I saw on FB and the pictures uploaded on his page (FB is a bitch, dont stalk your partner or ex nothing good comes from it).

 

Because of my own issues with the past from having been bullied and not properly addressed being abused, I hit rock bottom and got severely depressed. He couldn't understand this illness as he has always been a happy spirit. Adding my trust issues and jealousy into this becomes toxic. So for all the incidents of me acting crazy jealous adding together, doomed to fail. He is introvert so doesn't like to speak about our issues and what bothers him, it makes him uncomfortable. We discussed our problems sometimes but never properly resolved. He has now left me and feels that some the burden has been taking off his shoulders. But he said 'never say never, I know you can change, but right now I don't want to be in a relationship. I enjoy not having to think about other people's feelings'.

 

He said I was his first love, he was mine. He has never lived/been with others for more than a year.

 

I want to change for me, I want to be fun and bubbly again. I always used to be a happy little spirit, now I am just ....lost.

 

What's the verdict people??? Please help. How can I change.... and start over with him?

Posted

Lesson you need to learn here:

 

1. Never change for anyone. You are who you are. Find someone who accepts you for you.

 

2. Lack of communication will always contribute to the demise of the relationship. He has communication issues. You are NOT the only one to blame for the end of this relationship.

 

3. NEVER wait for anyone.

 

He broke up with you. "Never say never" isn't something you should cling to. That's the most non-committal statement if I've ever heard one.

 

He said he doesn't want to have to care about you, he doesn't want a relationship. You have no clue if or when he will EVER want one again, it's not fair to you to keep you holding onto hope when there honestly is no hope. He'll keep dangling carrots in your face for as long as you allow it.

 

He didn't come to you to address and fix problems, so what do you think is going to happen if you ever married this person? How would you get through a marriage if all he said was, "talking about our issues make me uncomfortable" ??? You'd be divorced within 5 years.

 

Keep NC. The longer you spend away from him, I guarantee the fog in front of your eyes will clear and you'll start to see that this isn't the guy you want to be with.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for replying, can always count on you Katzee.

I agree with you.

 

I spoke to him on the phone because we had to discuss practical issues about the flat. I told him I got his whatsapp message, and I was ready now to hear what he had to say about the break up, and why he did it as the other explanations had me baffled.

 

I didn't want to write a long detailed posts, as people never tend to really read them. He did try to talk to me at times about my jealousy/trust issues. He said I never really listened. I would change and then I would go back to being jealousy. I think my insecurities are mainly due to me being young and lacking life experience in general.

 

He is just happy now now having to worry about me. When we were together, he would be afraid to go out with his friends because of the drama, if there were girls there he would never here the end of it. He would always have to come home early, or I wouldn't be impressed as I would freak if he came home at say 3am. Even if he said he would be home at a certain time, and were half an hour late I would be really annoyed. He said he couldn't picture himself being in a trapped relationship like that. I can understand where he is coming from, because if he treated me like I did him I would feel the same way.

 

The ironic thing is that the relationship before him, I used to date someone who was crazy jealous. I was not allowed to wear short dresses, or anything that revealed skin, I couldn't speak to any guys, go out have fun with friends. If I did he would spit me in my face, he used to hit a lot and check my phone, laptop etc. I felt trapped. He cheated on me on several occasions, he could go out etc. It was like double standards. I am amazed that I have almost become my ex. (Not to that extreme, no violence etc)

 

But I have male friends and my now ex didn't mind. I would get jealous when my ex would have fun with my friend (female) when we all on a night out.

 

But I agree, he should have tried harder to speak to me. He said he was uncomfortable because of my reactions to what he had to say. He hated that we would argue the whole night and him not make it in time for work.

 

These were the bottom line issues of our relationship. I don't want to be this person as I never was. I don't want to just sit in on a Friday night and not having out with friends, because I used to be fun and do all of that. I then changed, don't know when but I know why :(

Posted

Totally agree with KatZee and have a few things to add:

 

-Were you REALLY getting what you needed emotionally from him? If so, maybe you wouldn't have been so jealous. Did he ever take the time to talk and reassure you so you wouldn't be jealous?

 

-You say you were together 4 years. Thats long. Where was the relationship going? Did you want to get married? Did he not want to? Did you discuss where you hoped to see this relationship go? I don't like that he wouldn't talk..especially after dating you so long.

 

From what you have said I understand that you are dealing with some issues and that's ok, we all have them. Don't be too down on yourself. But for some odd reason, I'm getting the picture here that this is not all your fault and that for some reason maybe there was reason for your jealousy ...sometimes your gut tells you things you don't want to hear or see. Im not saying he was cheating on you or anything but something to me here sounds "off" and it could be that he was using your "trust" issues and turning them against you to exit the relationship.

 

Dont wait. Hold your head high and move on while you work on your issues. If he comes back make sure he is giving you what you need. Are you for positive this guy wasn't the controller all along? Think about it.

  • Author
Posted

Hi Hopeful714,

Thanks for your reply and advice much appreciated :)

 

I think I am seeking a lot of validation and attention from my boyfriend. I honestly don't care what other boys think of me. Yes, I get flattered when someone compliments me etc. but to me, his validation was so important to me because I really cared for him.

 

To answer your questions:

 

For the jealousy part and getting what I needed from him...in the beginning when we used to date he made me feel insecure. I was not used to go out with a man who would tell me that he thought other girls were hot while watching TV or when we spoke about famous people while only complimenting me with comments like: 'you look lovely'. He would tell me of all of his nights outs, his exes who he never liked, girls who used to fancy him. He showed me a photo on his phone and accidentally showed a photo of a naked woman. I got upset and he told me that that was an old picture of a woman who he met in a club. She said her boobs are not real, he said 'no way', she wanted to show her boob job and sent her that picture. All of this happened the first month of when we first started dating. It has stuck with me memory ever since. Every time we would have an argument, I would say I feel insecure, and I the way that he came off when we first started dating I was scared he would be like that when he went out with the boys. I even brought this up 2 years after.....But ever since I told him about my insecurities because of what he said the first month, he has never commented on other girls looks again or told me past stories about exes or something to that extent. He started to show more love and respect....but my insecurities has stuck with me ever since.

 

He said he wanted to marry me. I said I wanted to marry him too. We were planning weddings for fun, spoke about having children. This was pretty early on and we have never really changed our minds about this. I was at uni still and so obviously timing wasn't right.

 

I want to make this his fault. I did until I spoke to him tonight about why he said he didn't love me like he used to. Before I couldn't understand or make sense of it all, but when he gave me all the examples of my past reactions/behaviours I do think I was out of line. His fault lies for not trying to communicate with me more and just trying to avoid arguments because this has ultimately led to our break up. I can't fix my issues if I wasn't aware of what I did wrong. I knew I had trust/jealousy issues, but didn't know how to cope and deal with them. I would get jealous if she spoke about a female colleague who said something funny, or I would look at him to see if he was checking out pretty girls that I found pretty. He stopped going out as much as he used to before me because of the drama, but he is not that kind of person who wants to sit in on weekends. He wants to enjoy life, he wanted us to go out together or us seeing friends separately. I don't drink whatsoever, so sometimes going to a bar with friend I find it dull :o

Posted

I certainly hope that he did give more love and respect as the relationship went on because from what you described in your first paragraph...ANYONE would have been insecure from that. I would have been...and was...something very similar happened to me...and yea it stuck with me too.

 

I am glad you see your faults...but still, I think you are taking on too much blame. When you spoke on the phone did he admit to contributing to the problems by not talking with you?

 

Im still very uneasy with this for some reason. We all know guys dont want a whiny, insecure, needy GF but regardless of who ever he is with issues will arise and if he wants to have a successful relationship he is going to have to deal with relationship problems or there will be fighting/etc.

 

And Im still not convinced that he is not the controller here. By doing what he did to you in the very beginning he planted a "seed" that said you are not good enough... and it stuck with you....that was HIS doing.

 

Re-read KatZee's post too. I dunno. You don't have to make this "his" fault, but I totally dont think its all yours either. Be away from him for awhile and see how you feel. I bet you begin to feel a whole lot better about yourself and you may see things you didnt see before as you come out of the "fog".

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