ashtree-house Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 My ex and I recently decided to try dating again. We were together for a year and it was the most intense and passionate relationship I had ever been in, and we were crazy about each other. We broke up 2 and a half months ago because our relationship had gotten overwhelming.. which it had. We were friends and co-workers for years prior to dating and really dived into a committed relationship and were talking about moving in/ marriage far before we were ever ready. We also saw each other all the time, and it really sucked any mystery out of us. He became distant and I became emotional and eventually we broke up. I was devastated but really focused on myself in the time apart.. therapy, self-help books, dance classes and good friends. Still, I missed my ex and thought he was something special. Eventually he began pursuing me again and I let him do all the chasing before agreeing to take things slow. Things have been really good between us. We are trying to see each other less often than first time we were together to keep some healthy space between us, and communicate more effectively. We haven't slept with each other yet, because I'm really trying to create trust. Last night we were out on a date, and I was feeling really good about me and us, so I asked him something that maybe I rushed into. I asked him if he had been with anyone since me. He said he was with one woman during our break-up and he was really drunk. I was really hurt, even though logically I know I shouldn't be. He wasn't mine at the time, and I know men tend to rebound quickly after break-ups. Still, I was insanely jealous, especially since he isn't the type to get drunk and have one night stands.. but I kept everything together and stayed very calm and understanding ("choosing my reaction", something therapy is helping me achieve instead of flying off the handle). He told me it meant nothing, and it made him miss me more. He then asked me if I had been with anyone during the break up, which I had not. But I thought as we were being honest, I did tell him I had thought about it, as I have become attracted to a co-worker in my new job (My and boyfriend and I no longer work together), and there is some sexual tension between us (I'm only physically attracted to my co-worker, not emotionally), and that one night we were drinking at a work function and I thought about sleeping with him but obviously didn't. My guy was absolutely hurt. He said it wasn't the same because he got drunk and slept with someone and felt terrible after but I was developing a crush on someone else. I told him I was only ATTRACTED to my co-worker and thought about sleeping him while I WAS DRUNK, but it wasn't a crush.. especially since I'm still so hung up on my guy. Anyways, the night ended on a sour note. He looked a little teary, and even though I held everything together, I was sick on the inside. He told me he really wanted things to work between us and didn't want to lose me again, so was willing to deal with some emotionally nights in order to have many, many happy ones. We obviously care about each other alot, and we both really want it to work.. but is this too much drama for the beginning of a relationship, is it just going to become overwhelming again? We said we were going to communicate better, and I feel like this conversation had to be had, and it wasn't going to be easy NO MATTER when we did it. Can we get over the jealously of little flings we had during our break up? Has anyone got over something like this? I know I can trust him, and I can get past a stupid fling, and I do want to have sex with him soon, but want us to be truly happy and trusting with each other. But I'm scared he won't be able to trust me with my co-worker. I'm feeling a bit insecure.
scarlet.vixn Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 My two cents. First of all I want to applaud you for doing something that I myself, though I am an extremely rational person, wasn't able to do when I had my heart broken, stay calm and focus inward without making things extremely messy between the two of you. That's probably why you guys were able to get back together so quickly. From everything I've ready you've really handled this beautifully and it seems like you and your ex lol current boyfriend have a chance of working out, congrats, I'm happy for you. Now for the advice part... When you took time apart and focused inward you helped yourself get back more of that mystery and independence. You re-established yourself, and hopefully he did too while you guys were apart. Any time there is a break up there's a reason for it, you said it got overwhelming, although it sounds more like you guys took a break rather than broke up but the fact is now that you guys are entering into this new relationship you need to act as if it was a new relationship. Rediscover each other and enjoy it, enjoy the changes, you're smarter and wiser now you know how to avoid the pitfalls of what happened in the last relationship. Take things slow, if this was a new relationship how soon would you sleep with him? Forgive eachother for the past and start honestly new that's the only way to make things work. Good Luck
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