KatZee Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 (edited) At least it has been for me. I'm sure a lot of you are aware of how I give advice on here. Pretty straight to the point. I'm a strong woman, always have been, and I would never get back with my ex. However, I do have certain moments on some days where I think back to the relationship with my ex and think: "We may have been able to have worked it out." or "I miss how I felt with him." These moments are fleeting and few and far between. This evening, I was looking for wrapping paper for a gift, and I came across notebooks in a giant tub from when I moved into my new apartment. I've just spent the last hour reading them and I'm in shock. I knew I had these journals, but as time goes on you sort of forget what you write. I'm also a terrible journal'er and I'll go on periods where I write for a couple weeks and then stop, and then pick up a month later in a NEW book. So my journals are all scattered, one page just completely stops mid-sentence. Anyway, the one notebook I found I actually labeled. I called it "The Limited/NC Book 2012" and it started at the beginning of January (4 months before he broke up with me.) I was attempting to instill some of the methods that are written about in "Why Men Marry B.itches." I was attempting to stop being so available, stop acting like a wife, act a bit aloof, stop catering to all his whims. It came into existence because this was the month he told me he had no idea who he was, needed space, wanted to "slow down" the relationship. (RED FLAG!!) I'm surprised on one of the pages I wrote, "That's it. We're done. When we come back from vacation I'm dumping him." I was legitimately going to dump him 4 months before he did. Why I stayed, I don't even know. I don't even remember writing that, but apparently I knew he was treating me so horribly and one entry talked about how I didn't love him anymore, and that I knew I wasn't looking at him the same way, didn't trust him, etc. I wanted out way before he did. I also found a Microsoft Word document, 5 pages single spaced, a list of 20 things I had issues with. How he treated me, how he was emotionally abusive, unappreciative, passive aggressive... I'm glad I found these journals because now if I ever get that fleeting feeling of nostalgia I can look at these and remember what I felt, how I felt, and how he blinded me into staying with him when I had wanted out. ***And this is the most shocking thing, I actually wrote down direct quotes from him, and what he said to me, he said to his ex. I'm not sure why I didn't see it at the time, I guess I was just so clouded with emotions and so stressed out... but a few of his "issues" with me are direct pickups from the problems he told me about his ex!!!! --- Past behavior indicates future behavior? It's so eerie, and so odd to see this. Edited November 17, 2012 by KatZee
Hopeful714 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 You are so correct. I sorta kept a journal. Most of my entries were at the very beginning of the BU 2.5 months ago. Im feeling lonely and thinking of the good times lately and wondering if we could have worked it out too... most likely because of the approaching holiday... but I need to go back and read what my relationship really was like. I too wrote down phrases he said to me, or the lies and things he did and I look at them and think really? He said/did this to me and I hung around? Its damaging. Its abusive. No wonder I was/am a mess. Here are a few of my favorites....lets hear some of yours. -Many girls want me -I could have 1000 girls -You will take what you are given -Mama always comes first -Your birthday gift is in lay away (forgot BD, no gift existed) -I had as* in my face all night (after a guys night out) -People are jealous of me This is just a random sample. There were plenty more. How embarrassing.
Author KatZee Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I don't have too many of his hurtful words, those were designated to text messages, and I held on to them for a while for reference, but a couple months ago decided to delete them all. So I don't have the crappiest of what he would say to me. Mainly they're my feelings, but in early January is when he said he wanted to "slow the relationship down" and I have a play by play of every single day and what went on, and there were days we went 4+ days not even speaking. In one entry I say: **He contacts me when he feels like it, and only responds when he feels like it. That was basically the run down of the week of his behavior. Another was me saying I wasn't even excited for our vacation because I knew we weren't going to last as a couple. A direct quote from him was on Christmas of 2012, I spent $200 on new shirts and ties for him and he said: "I have enough shirts, I don't need new shirts." <-- he didn't even say thank you as he opened the gift. That's exactly what he said. And I wrote that he was a hurtful spoiled brat. One entry I wrote: "Why do we always have to spend EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND with his a.sshole friends?" (They were extremely rude, disrespectful and hurtful to me and they are a huge reason why we didn't work out as a couple.) This entry talked about how his friends made up something I said... basically started this rumor about something, and when I went to my bf he just laughed in my face. One entry I talked about how I spent all of the summer 2012 trying to change to be a better girlfriend for him, and 4 months later he was saying how I didn't change at all and he couldn't have a girlfriend like me. His exact "complaints" were: 1. I had a job that wasn't going anywhere 2. I had a controlling mother 3. I still lived at home 4. He wanted his children raised Catholic 5. He wanted to be the best boyfriend he could be (??) To address his "complaints" about me: 1. Apparently my job wasn't going "anywhere" because I had been in the same position for three years. 2. Yes, my mother can be overbearing but how does this affect him? 3. Yes, the economy is crap and I was in debt. I was at home to pay off my bills and save money (I was 26 when he said this) 4. I'm not even sure why this had any relevance on our relationship. I am not religious. 5. This didn't make any sense to me at all. 3 days after saying these things to me, he confessed to cheating on me. So these "grasping for straws" reasons for dumping me suddenly made sense. It's also amazing to me that he said these things to me because he didn't even HAVE a job at that point. He was in school. His father is just as bad, if not worse at times than my mother, HE was still living at home, he had no money saved, no savings account, and thousands of dollars of debt. He's now 27 and STILL in his parents house. He said: "We are good when we are apart but when we spend significant amounts of time together things are bad." <--- he said this when he was living out of state--- at this point we hadn't spent any significant amount of time together in 18 months. We were a LDR. I think all of his excuses were just bulls.hit honestly. He said the same things about the ex before me.
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