raykinsella Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I am new to this site. First post. Hope I am following proper porotcol. I was just wondering if anyone is or has gone through the same thing I am going through. My wife of 12 years cheated on me with a co-worker. The affair lasted about 6 weeks. I found out, she ended it, and since then has done everything she can to show me how sorry she is and how much she loves me. She really has done anything and everything you would want your wife to do after something like this. However, I still an not sure I will be able to forgive her, or at least be able to stay with her and truly be happy again. It’s been almost 3 months since I found out. Like most I was a total wreck for the first week or so. I am at least functional now. I can go to work and get through the day. But I am still so sad. It’s like a cloud hanging over me. And the part that scares me the most is that I am most sad when I am around her. She is definitely a “trigger” for me and I am not sure if that will ever go away. My friends and co-workers have commented that I “look” so much better, that I am sounding and acting better. At the same time my wife is telling me that she thinks I have gotten worse. That I am sadder and more depressed. I feel like when I am around her I instantly become depressed. Is this normal? It's almost like I don’t want to see her “looking” happy and I definitley don’t want her to see me happy. Almost like I am not ready to let her see me smile or be happy. Will this change? I can smile and laugh when I am at work, but when I get home or am around her my mood instantly gets “depressing”. Is this one of those things that time will help? Or is it a sign of something else that being around my wife makes me sad? I did forget to mention, that I love her. I love her dearly and I miss her when I am not with her. We text and email all day long. But most of the time when I see her at lunch or at home after work my disposition turns to sadness. Should I keep trudging along or should I be concerned about this? Thanks.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Are they still working together? If so, then this is a problem too, how can you ever really begin to heal and start to trust her again if they work side by side..? Is she remorseful? Truly genuine? Is she an open book so you can check up on her anytime you feel like it? Is she making tons of effort to reconnect with you? Did she go to counseling to find out why she cheated on you? Fix herself? It just takes time. Do talk to her, let her know how you feel and why.. 2
Author raykinsella Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 Yes, she did quit. The day after I found out. I do believe she is remourseful. As i stated she is doing everything possible to help me get past this and save our relationship. Even answering questions honestly even when the answer hurts me. We have been going to counseling together. Why did she cheat? We are both pretty sure why this happened. For reasons not relevant to the story, this summer I kind of went into a "shell". I withdrew from her. She came to me several times and tried to talk to me. She said "I feel like you don't Love me anymore" "you're not attracted to me", "you don't care whether I am here or not""it seems like you look right through me","you never tell me nice things" etc. I remember these conversations vividly, and I just brushed her off. I was mad about something and sort of balmed her. And a short time before this a new guy started at her work who was going through a divorce. They started taling about it and then texting and talking on the phone. Of course she opened up to him and told her about us, and of course he did what most guys would do, started telling her how beautiful she was and how stupid I was and giving her all the attention I wasn't giving her. She said after feeling ignored by me for months she became addidcted to the attention. They did have sex several times, but she swears it was not about the sex. She was afraid if she didn't the attention would stop. She even told him she wanted to take "sex off the table for awhile". And I know this is true because I read some emails and she accused him of "using her". But she also told him in texts and emails that she loved him. I don't believe she has any real feelings for him. She sent him a text a few days later and told him how angry she was and that the whole thing was a joke and that she is sick to her stomach thinking about how he took advantage of her. But she knows that is not an excuse and she knows he didn't force her to do anything. She made a choice to cheat. In my heart I believe she wouldn't have done this if I was more attentive to her. I don't blame myself, but I know I had a hand in what she did. She was always the doting one, she invested more in our relationship than I did. I kind of took her for granted. Big mistake.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Almost like I am not ready to let her see me smile or be happy. Will this change? I can smile and laugh when I am at work, but when I get home or am around her my mood instantly gets “depressing”. This all trust related. You're still in protection mode and your walls are up. A tiny effort by you to reach out to your wife, show her your emotions and what you are feeling inside could go a long way and be so beneficial to your path of healing and feeling more at peace with her. She needs you to need her during this rough time.. She has to feel like you need her again. I think it'll open your heart too.. I do know you're afraid, but look at all that she's done so give her a chance..Give yourself a chance. 1
karnak Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 If all the cheated husbands read Michelle Langley's books there sure would plenty of cheating wives being kicked out the door. (sigh) 1
threebyfate Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 When spouses stop communicating, there are two emotionally healthy ways to address it. They can go to marital counseling if they can't break through the barrier themselves or they can split up. She did neither and chose to cheat. The fact that she keeps blaming the OM and not taking her larger share of the responsibility is her victim mentality. This type of thought process is something that doesn't happen in a vacuum. If you look back on your relationship and marital history, you'll find more of this type of behaviour. If so, have you been taking the blame or larger portion of the blame, for things that you weren't really responsible for? So my question to you is why are you staying with her, if she's your trigger and someone who won't take responsibility for her own decisions and actions? 1
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 If all the cheated husbands read Michelle Langley's books there sure would plenty of cheating wives being kicked out the door. (sigh) You mean betrayed husbands? The OP didn't cheat, it was his wife who cheated. Just FYI.
karnak Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 They did have sex several times, but she swears it was not about the sex. She was afraid if she didn't the attention would stop. She even told him she wanted to take "sex off the table for awhile". And I know this is true because I read some emails and she accused him of "using her". But she also told him in texts and emails that she loved him. Crap. She chose to have sex with the guy. And she did it because she loved to **** with him. Not because she needed attentiom. If she really loved you she would be disgusted after having sex the first time. He probably dumped her and she's now accusing him of being a manipulator in order to look good in the picture. Open your eyes, man. Your wife is trash. Do you have kids? 1
Author raykinsella Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 Oh, she has seen my emotions. And she knows how badly I need her. We have had many "heart to hearts", and she has seen me cry more times than I care to admit over the last 3 months. Sometimes when I wake up early in the morning I roll over and and rest my head on her stomach and cry like a baby. I have made no secret about how much I love her and that I want to stay with her and work through this. I know she loves me. I told her I wanted a divorce because our marriage was over the second she started this affair. She agreed to everything I asked. Signed over the house to me, no alimony and signed off on all of my 401k. She signed off on over $150,000 to prove that she was sorry and that the only thing that matters to her is working through this. We never separated and pretty much started working through this immediatley. I never(or her) really had a chance to grieve alone. She cries because she hurt me and she didn't want to get divorced. I am also sad about the divorce but I know that can be fixed easily once I can get past this. I do want to marry her again. I just can't seem to get past the pain and the sadness of having to live the rest of my life with these memories of what she did. It almost feels like I am settling for a love that is "less' than what I deserve. Don't we all deserve that? To be with some that doesn't bring these negative feelings.. But I do love her so much and can't imagine living without her. 2
karnak Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 You mean betrayed husbands? The OP didn't cheat, it was his wife who cheated. Just FYI. I know that. And I meant betrayed husbands.
threebyfate Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 It almost feels like I am settling for a love that is "less' than what I deserve. Don't we all deserve that? To be with some that doesn't bring these negative feelings.. But I do love her so much and can't imagine living without her.You only have one life to live so why settle for an unhappy one?
Spark1111 Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Are you in counseling? The reason I ask this is you sound like me; the affair triggered childhood issues I had not dealt with I fel frightful lily unsafe! There was the affair issues and then there were the childhood issues the affair triggered. I had a very good therapist who helped me sort the two out and NOT crucify my H for what mommy and daddy had wrought. But yes! Your spouse can be the biggest trigger of them all of the affair. Some find it safer and saner to separate for a while and if this is true for you, than do it! remember, there is a limit on the amount of punishment and acrimony any marriage can withstand, EVEN AFTER INFIDELITY, before it reaches the point of no return and your already weak and damaged WS cannot take anymore and divorces or leaves you. I'm cautioning you to be careful here; do not shoot your marriage in the foot. Separate if need be, to get your head straight, but do not become too punishing as you grieve....you could still lose your marriage. You must answer: DO I love her? Can I forgive her? can i stop punishing her? Can we move forward in happiness toward the future? If not, set both she and yourself free now. Divorce.
brokenheartedntx Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 It's been over a year for me. My wife shows very little remorse though. I do feel the same as you. I own a small company and I was unable to function for a couple of months. I just now feel normal at work and functioning well. I do great when I am work and don't think about her affair much. When I come home I do get depressed as well when I am around her and can't stop thinking about her affair. My emotions seem out of control. She does mention that I do seem worse than when I first found out. I am at the point though that I realize I can't really stand much longer being around her and I want out. I guess I stay because of the kids and I also really don't want to split my assets. It's a tough price to pay with being unhappy. To answer your question though after a year things have not gotten any better.
Author raykinsella Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 It had to do with her 2 sons.(my stepsons). They are 20 and 19 now. They both have been a handful. Both had minor troubles with the law. We both have been looking forward to them going out on their own. The eldest joined the Army last year and was doing very well. The other had planned on going into the marines this summer after he graduated. So by this summer both boys would be gone and I was really looking forward to that. She was too. BUT, the eldest was discharged and was back home and the other decided not to join the Marines. They both were back home and neither had jobs. I was so dissappointed. Everytime I walked in the door and saw them watching tv or playing video games it pissed me off. I talked to my wife about it and she told me she gave them a deadline to be out of the house by the end of the summer. But I had already gone into my "shell" and just withdrew from her. I was mad at her. And we did talk about it. But that is basically what caused me to pull away over the summer.
meandmyself Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Yes, she did quit. The day after I found out. I do believe she is remourseful. As i stated she is doing everything possible to help me get past this and save our relationship. Even answering questions honestly even when the answer hurts me. We have been going to counseling together. Why did she cheat? We are both pretty sure why this happened. For reasons not relevant to the story, this summer I kind of went into a "shell". I withdrew from her. She came to me several times and tried to talk to me. She said "I feel like you don't Love me anymore" "you're not attracted to me", "you don't care whether I am here or not""it seems like you look right through me","you never tell me nice things" etc. I remember these conversations vividly, and I just brushed her off. I was mad about something and sort of balmed her. And a short time before this a new guy started at her work who was going through a divorce. They started taling about it and then texting and talking on the phone. Of course she opened up to him and told her about us, and of course he did what most guys would do, started telling her how beautiful she was and how stupid I was and giving her all the attention I wasn't giving her. She said after feeling ignored by me for months she became addidcted to the attention. They did have sex several times, but she swears it was not about the sex. She was afraid if she didn't the attention would stop. She even told him she wanted to take "sex off the table for awhile". And I know this is true because I read some emails and she accused him of "using her". But she also told him in texts and emails that she loved him. I don't believe she has any real feelings for him. She sent him a text a few days later and told him how angry she was and that the whole thing was a joke and that she is sick to her stomach thinking about how he took advantage of her. But she knows that is not an excuse and she knows he didn't force her to do anything. She made a choice to cheat. In my heart I believe she wouldn't have done this if I was more attentive to her. I don't blame myself, but I know I had a hand in what she did. She was always the doting one, she invested more in our relationship than I did. I kind of took her for granted. Big mistake. Dear OP, I am really sorry for what you have to confront... it saddens me because I know exactly what you are feeling. I would like to give you my 2 cents on why I think people cheat because is very unfair you blame yourself for what ONLY your wife is responsible for.... I think cheating is all about a sexual need (sometimes emotions can also be triggered), usually the WS feels very sexually attracted to the OM and when this attraction is reciprocate then the WS will take anything that can use to break her moral barriers and justify what she is desiring to do... You can be the most attentive and nice man in the world ... it doesn't matter... at that time she has already taken her decision. So please stop blaming yourself for what only your wife is to blame for... Having said that I will tell you that if you decide to forgive your wife and go ahead with your life you will need to accept what happened and get over it (I think you are still in a very early stage for this but if you really want it to work you can't keep punishing your wife for ever). The decision of staying with her or not is only yours, you need to weight what you have and will lose if you leave her against your capacity to endure what she has done. There is not a scientific measurement for this unfortunately so it will be only about your feelings but if I would be you I will keep a good eye on her. I am a believer of the famous sentence "once a cheater always a cheater". I see it as the person who stops smoking or drinking, they are clean but they should also be away from the temptation...
meandmyself Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Oh, she has seen my emotions. And she knows how badly I need her. We have had many "heart to hearts", and she has seen me cry more times than I care to admit over the last 3 months. Sometimes when I wake up early in the morning I roll over and and rest my head on her stomach and cry like a baby. I have made no secret about how much I love her and that I want to stay with her and work through this. I know she loves me. I told her I wanted a divorce because our marriage was over the second she started this affair. She agreed to everything I asked. Signed over the house to me, no alimony and signed off on all of my 401k. She signed off on over $150,000 to prove that she was sorry and that the only thing that matters to her is working through this. We never separated and pretty much started working through this immediatley. I never(or her) really had a chance to grieve alone. She cries because she hurt me and she didn't want to get divorced. I am also sad about the divorce but I know that can be fixed easily once I can get past this. I do want to marry her again. I just can't seem to get past the pain and the sadness of having to live the rest of my life with these memories of what she did. It almost feels like I am settling for a love that is "less' than what I deserve. Don't we all deserve that? To be with some that doesn't bring these negative feelings.. But I do love her so much and can't imagine living without her. I don't think it matters much how remorse she is for what she did... because she did it... What matters here is what you feel, if you love her and you think she is the one for you... you may want to give her a chance because the pain for her absence could be bigger than the pain for what she has done... but I will only go that way if your feelings about her are still strong and you are sure you will not be miserable your whole life for what she has done... Plus I would demand from her full disclosure of where she is and what she does at least for a long while... she has been unfaithful once... she can do it again and believe me the second time is easier than the first one...
drifter777 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 ray - One thing that I am finding universal among betrayed husband's is that they will begin to defend their cheating wives about 2 - 3 months after d-day. I'm starting to believe it's because they are beginning to recover from the initial horror and shock and are now seeing reality - and it's terrifying. Right now your emotional world has been turned upside down and you are desperately trying to find something to hold on to. Like a drowning man you will cling to anything so believing your wife has become the perfect woman is a life-raft in this storm. The thing is, deep down you feel sick just looking at her and are looking for a magic bullet to make things ok again. Sorry but it doesn't exist. You are going to have to face her betrayal and work through the issues either now or sometime in the future. I recommend now. You need to look at your current reaction and simply ask yourself why the sight of her is making you sick. Sometimes the explanation of human behavior is simple. Maybe all of the anger, sadness, and disgust you feel when you look at her is simply a manifestation of your true feelings. Really. Why do you think that your current feelings are "wrong" simply because your wife seems to be trying hard to make up for her betrayal?
Author raykinsella Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Because when I look at her I am reminded of what she did. It's why I started this thread...she is a trigger. I am disgusted, angry and sad, but I also love her. I want to forgive her. I want this to bring us closer, if that is possible. I've read hundreds of posts from people who were able to forgive and grow as a couple. I'm not sure if I can or not. But I know I hope that I can do that. I have told her that I am really angry and hurt by the fact that she wasn't able to fulfill the vows or "for better or worse". And I have every right to give up on her and us because of what she did, but isn't that the same thing she did. Giving up during the bad times? It's pretty easy to see people's "agenda" or attitudes about this situation from the tone of their responses. I guess I was kind of hoping for the people who were able to trust again, love again, and forgive, and not just the people who are jaded and are telling me to "come to my senses" and move on. I understand that this might be the end result. But I also know that there are many BS who have forgiven and went on to rebuild a stronger more loving and healthy relationship. Although I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hoping that I will someday. I love her and I am choosing to try to work through this.
meandmyself Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Because when I look at her I am reminded of what she did. It's why I started this thread...she is a trigger. I am disgusted, angry and sad, but I also love her. I want to forgive her. I want this to bring us closer, if that is possible. I've read hundreds of posts from people who were able to forgive and grow as a couple. I'm not sure if I can or not. But I know I hope that I can do that. I have told her that I am really angry and hurt by the fact that she wasn't able to fulfill the vows or "for better or worse". And I have every right to give up on her and us because of what she did, but isn't that the same thing she did. Giving up during the bad times? It's pretty easy to see people's "agenda" or attitudes about this situation from the tone of their responses. I guess I was kind of hoping for the people who were able to trust again, love again, and forgive, and not just the people who are jaded and are telling me to "come to my senses" and move on. I understand that this might be the end result. But I also know that there are many BS who have forgiven and went on to rebuild a stronger more loving and healthy relationship. Although I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hoping that I will someday. I love her and I am choosing to try to work through this. Dear friend, that happens when you ask other people's opinion... they may not think the same as you do and they may tell you things you may not want to hear... nevertheless you are the ultimate decision taker in this history because it is YOUR history here... By the way I don't think your wife gave up with nothing... she just felt on the temptation of having a different feeling in her life and surrendered to her animal side... she cheated and was dishonest but saying that she gave up is not fair, (my wife left with the OM without giving me any choice or explanation , that is really giving up...) Don't get me wrong I don't try to say your wife did good or even justify what she did, it was horrible, the worse betrayal it can be since it comes from the person you would never expect to do that to you ... but as I told you before if you are going to try to continue with your relationship (your own choice and it seems what you will try to do..) you better beguine trying to put your things together, you can't keep punishing your wife for ever, if you are planning to do that then you better leave her because you will make her miserable and you will be miserable yourself too... So here are the options: a) You try to save your relationship (it will take time to heal and it will have moments of terrible feelings)- then you need also to take some steps on trying to make your life together as good as possible .... she is the one that owes you and she will need to gain your trust by giving you all the disclosure of where she is and what she is doing as you may need to feel comfortable (that should not be negotiable). b) You decide that what she has done is too much for what you can endure and you leave her. You have the full right to give up on her since she destroyed the foundation of your relationship (the trust) So it is up to you, you decide....
kamani Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Please don't blame me, I am not a suppporter of 'adultory' I didn't read all your posts, but the first few. I feel for your wife as well. Feeling being 'neglected' by your husband is so painful and devastating. She complained you several times, tried to get things sorted out. But you have neglected it. She didn't choose to cheat you, somehow she was made to do it. I know it's wrong, but not everybody has the same courage to resist feelings. Perhaps the grounds had been already set for her. We hear only your part of the story. May be she has more to say. She doesn't love this co-worker and was never in love with him, though her messages say so! She was the victim of his desire. If you love her and can't live without her, forgive her and continue. Continue counselling, time is the best healer.
meandmyself Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 (edited) Please don't blame me, I am not a suppporter of 'adultory' I didn't read all your posts, but the first few. I feel for your wife as well. Feeling being 'neglected' by your husband is so painful and devastating. She complained you several times, tried to get things sorted out. But you have neglected it. She didn't choose to cheat you, somehow she was made to do it. I know it's wrong, but not everybody has the same courage to resist feelings. Perhaps the grounds had been already set for her. We hear only your part of the story. May be she has more to say. She doesn't love this co-worker and was never in love with him, though her messages say so! She was the victim of his desire. If you love her and can't live without her, forgive her and continue. Continue counselling, time is the best healer. Mmm how do you know if she loved someone or not??? you don't know her so please don't make assumptions based on NOTHING... By the way, I don't care what neglected she felt... she is the one that took the decision of cheating... that is not a solution for having problems in your marriage it is just a justification... I have seen that kind of behavior also very often in people who are on a diet... they are looking to that nice pie the whole week but they know they should not eat it... never the less there is always that one day they feel they deserve it because they have had a bad day... same history here... a mean to an end...a justification for something she already have wishes to do... is what is and you should NEVER blame the betrayed for what other person decided to do! And Kamani, it is NOT ok to blame the BS for anything someone else has done, it is very low and may affect even more the self esteem of this person.. If you don't have anything constructive to say, you better say nothing! Edited November 20, 2012 by meandmyself
kamani Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 OK, I never wanted to blame OP, I only wanted to console him or help him. I thought continous talk of his wife, how she did, so....... and so........ would only feel him worse. That's all. Just forget my post.
meandmyself Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 OK, I never wanted to blame OP, I only wanted to console him or help him. I thought continous talk of his wife, how she did, so....... and so........ would only feel him worse. That's all. Just forget my post. So you comfort people by telling them they pushed their partners to cheat? If I ever get to post my history in this forum please don't comfort me!
waterwoman Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 It had to do with her 2 sons.(my stepsons). They are 20 and 19 now. They both have been a handful. Both had minor troubles with the law. We both have been looking forward to them going out on their own. The eldest joined the Army last year and was doing very well. The other had planned on going into the marines this summer after he graduated. So by this summer both boys would be gone and I was really looking forward to that. She was too. BUT, the eldest was discharged and was back home and the other decided not to join the Marines. They both were back home and neither had jobs. I was so dissappointed. Everytime I walked in the door and saw them watching tv or playing video games it pissed me off. I talked to my wife about it and she told me she gave them a deadline to be out of the house by the end of the summer. But I had already gone into my "shell" and just withdrew from her. I was mad at her. And we did talk about it. But that is basically what caused me to pull away over the summer. Why were you pissed off with her? I'd struggle to cope with a man who got fed up with my children being there? My children are a big part of my life and will always be no matter if I meet and marry a new man.
meandmyself Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 I don't think he had problems with the children sticking around, more with the actitud of those ones. (For what I read they do not work nor study and just lay down at OP's home watching tv or playing video games... I would also get angry if that happen regardless if they are my wife kids or my own!
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